Ex is super friendly texting and on the phone but won't make eye contact with me?

[PacificPlain]

I was seeing a guy last year for 3 months. We'd been into each other for a long time prior, since adolescence essentially but the timing never worked out until last August. We dated for 3 months, all fall, and my life was busy circling the drain. I was stressed out with a new job and grad school while working full time, and he's a nice guy but he definitely had some growing up to do (certain little things told me not that we weren't compatible, but that he kind of took the dynamic for granted). We ended things amicably, but I was definitely the one who came up with the idea.

 

We didn't see each other or talk for months. Then in mid March I reached out and reminded him how i'd told him not to be a stranger. The response was a string of long very friendly texts from him. SUPER friendly texts. We've texted intermittently since, and who starts its 50/50. We've been trying to plan to meet up for drinks.

 

I called him this morning about something, and he not only answered, again he was super friendly. At the end of the call "hey, we gotta catch up like we've been saying."

 

Then I saw him at a cookout this afternoon. First time I've visually SEEN him since we stopped seeing each other. And this is where it gets weird. He wouldn't look at me. If he had to talk to me, he wouldn't make eye contact. I don't get it? Why be super friendly but not make eye contact when you do finally see me? Is this typical?

[NTV]

This is because he doesn't know where he stands with you. It could be he wants to reignite the flame but is scared of another rejection. The breakup might have been really rough on him.

 

But you reached out to him. So it's confusing me whether you want him or not too.

[PacificPlain]

This is because he doesn't know where he stands with you. It could be he wants to reignite the flame but is scared of another rejection. The breakup might have been really rough on him.

 

But you reached out to him. So it's confusing me whether you want him or not too.

 

I don't feel like the breakup was really rough. We were never officially together. We never used the term boyfriend/girlfriend. Things could have been really good. Sexually our whatever it was was a lot of firsts for him.

 

The last time we met face to face was December, and we talked about what had and hadn't worked and why continuing wasn't s good idea at the time. His comment "I still like you. And you're as beautiful now as you've always been. And I'm glad this went to so well."

 

I assume he's gotten over it. I heard tell yesterday at the end of the cookout that he almost was seeing a pastor's daughter (which I found really weird because I know this girl and he's never been into her?) like a month or two ago. So I assume he's moved on from last fall.

 

Which is why I didn't get why in person it was like he didn't want to acknowledge I was there.

[TaraMaiden2]

I was seeing a guy last year for 3 months. We'd been into each other for a long time prior, since adolescence essentially but the timing never worked out until last August. We dated for 3 months, all fall, and my life was busy circling the drain. I was stressed out with a new job and grad school while working full time, and he's a nice guy but he definitely had some growing up to do (certain little things told me not that we weren't compatible, but that he kind of took the dynamic for granted). We ended things amicably, but I was definitely the one who came up with the idea.

 

We didn't see each other or talk for months. Then in mid March I reached out and reminded him how i'd told him not to be a stranger. The response was a string of long very friendly texts from him. SUPER friendly texts. We've texted intermittently since, and who starts its 50/50. We've been trying to plan to meet up for drinks.

 

I called him this morning about something, and he not only answered, again he was super friendly. At the end of the call "hey, we gotta catch up like we've been saying."

 

Then I saw him at a cookout this afternoon. First time I've visually SEEN him since we stopped seeing each other. And this is where it gets weird. He wouldn't look at me. If he had to talk to me, he wouldn't make eye contact. I don't get it? Why be super friendly but not make eye contact when you do finally see me? Is this typical?

 

Ok, let me break this down for you.

He is emotionally less mature than you, or at least, was.

 

You ended it. You say 'amicably' but believe me, he was very probably from 'sad' to 'utterly devastated or crushed'. Choose a point along that scale.

 

YOU then tried to engage him back as a friend.

 

Someone who's dated you and loved you and has been dumped by you - cannot just return to being 'a friend'.

Particularly if they still hold a candle for you.

 

You were completely wrong to attempt to engage him as a friend, because that normally smacks of uilt and selfishness.

In other words, you want to relegate/return him to status of 'buddy' because it (one) it makes you feel better about having ended it, as you feel bad about having hurt his feelings, and (two) it makes for comfortable living, and familiarity of 'before'.

He can't go back, and you can't undo what's been done.

"Super friendly" means 'I'm still in love with her'.

He can't look you in the eye because it means he'd lose his heart again.

And he needs YOU to say - "I made a mistake, I still love you, can we try again?"

He would dearly love for you to say that....

 

But you haven't said that, probably have no intention of saying that, and don't want to go out with him again.

 

The fairest thing would be to drop out of his life, leave him alone and quit stringing him along with vain hope, because trust me on this, he still wants you.

he's love-lorn and doesn't know how to act, because he doesn't know what you want. All he wants, is to be more than a friend.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't feel like the breakup was really rough.

Of course you don't - you're the one who broke up! He probably felt steam-rollered!

We were never officially together. We never used the term boyfriend/girlfriend. Things could have been really good. Sexually our whatever it was was a lot of firsts for him

.Dammit, no wonder he's still hankering after you....

 

The last time we met .....we talked about what had and hadn't worked and why continuing wasn't s good idea at the time. His comment "I still like you. And you're as beautiful now as you've always been. And I'm glad this went to so well."

That didn't ring alarm bells with you? You didn't get that he's still smitten by you?? Whadd ya need, trumpet fanfares....?

 

I assume he's gotten over it.

You 'assume' too much. And you know what they say when we 'assume'...

 

I heard tell yesterday at the end of the cookout that he almost was seeing a pastor's daughter (which I found really weird because I know this girl and he's never been into her?) like a month or two ago. So I assume he's moved on from last fall.

No, he's trying to move on. Seeing you again has probably launched him back into heartache and confusion....

 

Which is why I didn't get why in person it was like he didn't want to acknowledge I was there.

Perhaps now it's a little clearer.... ?

[NTV]

Errr... so do you want him or not?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Echo: Do you want him or not?

[Simon Phoenix]

You opened Pandora's Box by contacting him and now he's a mess because he still likes you. So either date him again or leave him alone. Don't try to friendzone a guy you dumped -- it's not the least bit cool.

[PacificPlain]

Echo: Do you want him or not?

 

If things had changed (i.e., our communication was better) I wouldn't be against seeing where it could go, again, slowly.

[TaraMaiden2]

If things had changed (i.e., our communication was better) I wouldn't be against seeing where it could go, again, slowly.

 

You don't get it.

You communication alone, has put him into a tail-spin, and he can't work you out.

He still wants to date you regardless of anything.

You're the one putting conditions on it.

 

Have you approached him with this idea?

What course of action do you think would be fairest on him?