Sondering Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 So. My last post here was about being NC for a couple weeks after a seemingly sideways comment from MM. I lasted a whopping 3 weeks after before caving to his "please let's talk about this" (Should have blocked him and done NC the right way, lesson learned) I even came here and re-read my thread and to all of those who commented and helped me, I feel like I let all of you down, personally:laugh: We did talk. He apologized. Explained that he just wants me to be "Ok with this" (meaning the fact that once my divorce is final I will be single and his situation won't change) I was always OK with that which threw me... fast forward 2 hours of talking, me spilling my heart out, his "this makes me so happy, you make me so happy, Yada, yada, YADA. I went head first back into it the A. Sucked in, fell in, crawled in a blubbering, desperate mess, whatever you want to call it. I bought it all AGAIN, hook, line and sinker. His M situation is the still the same. They are "roommates" no passion, desire, she doesn't, "like him" (his words) but they get along (? yeah, OK)...are a good team/parents...she says JUMP, he says how high, darling?...the same W that will not have ANY type of romantic/physical relationship but you know what THEY HAVE A PERFECT LIFE OTHERWISE! Why bother with fixing their issues if he can go outside his marriage, avoid the confrontation and get what he wants! This I'd like to call Epiphany Pt.1. Pt. 2 of epiphany comes a couple weeks later. We are talking again about situations, etc. He says something about if the tables were turned and he were in my position (divorced, single) he "couldn't do this". Insert what should have been sirens blaring and red flags waving...he may not have meant it this way but it is searing into my brain that that means this is not really worth it to him. Whether he were single, married, in an open relationship with a unicorn...that I'm not worth it. Of course, If I brought this up he would completely deny that's what he meant but I cannot shake it. The way he blurted it out was so matter of fact...it's haunting. I'm writing this here for accountability again, maybe a gentle but needed reality slap from you guys... Also the hopes that someone else will need to read this. For the love of every higher power, please get yourself out. You'll be over a year and a half in and in too deep before you can blink. If you're in that early stage of this is fab! but ow, this is kinda hurting, It gets worse. Much worse. Don't do it to yourself. No matter what you think or what voices and what you are doing is telling you otherwise, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Find it and be it for yourself. 4
NTV Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 If your husband was cheating on you and there was a chance to catch something like an std, wouldn't you be apprehensive about sleeping with him? I think that this man represents a piece of your old married life that you need to let go if you are to start over again with a new beginning. I also think if you tell his wife you are crossing the bridge to that new beginning and burning it behind you. Life was too short to be married to your stbx, it's also too short to be caught in this trap. You are strong enough to beat this. What freedoms will you gain in divorce that you're giving up before it even happens? I have faith in you.
Author Sondering Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 Thanks, NTV. My husband did cheat on me, several times. Been there, felt all those things, makes me feel like an even more crappy person because I've been the BS. I understand what he is thinking, it just sucks.
NTV Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Hell if your strong enough to survive cheating and divorce, then ditching this guy should be a walk in the park. There has got to be something emotional carried from your marriage you're attributing to him to make him feel more than he is...
Marc878 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Figure out what you want long term. The other thing. I'd bet if you heard his wife's side you might get a different story. MM spin that yarn all the time. You are and will be #2. So again what do you want long term?
Author Sondering Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 Other than that I have a connection to him? All of the crappy parts of the A aside, I do genuinely have some strange sort of love for him. I'm sure there is something I'm attributing to him and the thought of losing him is so hard, even though I KNOW I shouldn't be with him.
NTV Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Yeah or maybe you're scared of not having a romantic relationship? It's probably been a while since you were alone truly single. That is scary. ..
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 You let yourself down, not people on here. It's YOUR life and you need to hold yourself accountable. If you mess up, YOU should be disappointed in yourself and the choices you've made. When his wife finds out about the affair you're going to get a reality check of what his marriage is really about. I think he's lied to you about the roommate thing. Many MM still have great sex lives at home while having an A, just read threads in the infidelity section. Another thing, if he told you he had a pretty good sex life at home with his wife, (be honest) how would you feel? Probably wouldn't want to jump into bed with him knowing he is having lots of sex at home too right? THAT's preciously why MM lie about their sex lives at home. I hope you end it once and for all before he hurts you more. Or maybe that's what needs to happen, more pain and more confusion, more realizations, then more pain before you realize you deserve so much more than some MM who is never leaving his wife. 3
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Thanks, NTV. My husband did cheat on me, several times. Been there, felt all those things, makes me feel like an even more crappy person because I've been the BS. I understand what he is thinking, it just sucks. And you understand the pain his wife is about to feel when she finds out about your affair with him. Not sure how you can experience the pain of betrayal and then go help someone (MM) inflict the same pain and experience on his wife. Just shows the fog you're in to not fully grasp the devastation ahead. 3
ChickiePops Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Why have you always been ok with sleeping with a married man? 1
Author Sondering Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 I don't think I was ever OK with sleeping with a married man or any of the "pain and devastation" I know my actions can cause his wife. But I did it anyway. I genuinely did and still do feel sorry for him if his situation is as he says it is. In the early days of the A I swore I wouldn't let it get physical but it did and now I have to live with that. It's wrong and even though I DID make the decisions to go back to him over and over I would never want his wife to feel that hurt. He swears she would never find out.
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I don't think I was ever OK with sleeping with a married man or any of the "pain and devastation" I know my actions can cause his wife. But I did it anyway. I genuinely did and still do feel sorry for him if his situation is as he says it is. In the early days of the A I swore I wouldn't let it get physical but it did and now I have to live with that. It's wrong and even though I DID make the decisions to go back to him over and over I would never want his wife to feel that hurt. He swears she would never find out. He has NO control on whether or not she finds out. He must think she's really stupid. All it takes is one suspicious thing to happen, her gut will clue in. She could hire a PI, or have a friend trail him. She could trace his calls, be reading his emails. He has spun lies to make you feel sorry for him, like he's the victim and martyr. 3
ChickiePops Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I don't think I was ever OK with sleeping with a married man or any of the "pain and devastation" I know my actions can cause his wife. But I did it anyway. I genuinely did and still do feel sorry for him if his situation is as he says it is. In the early days of the A I swore I wouldn't let it get physical but it did and now I have to live with that. It's wrong and even though I DID make the decisions to go back to him over and over I would never want his wife to feel that hurt. He swears she would never find out. I must have misunderstood what you said in your original post..my apologies. I do hope you learn to value yourself more than this. Being in a dead end affair where you're always someone's dirty little secret..you have to know you can do better than that...and I also hope that you can begin to act on the guilt you're feeling for participating in hurting his family rather than suppressing it. 2
NTV Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Hey I forgot to add something: thanks for sharing. I know you didn't have to and you could have lied to us. It takes courage to do that. And courage to say enough to your cheating husband and even more courage to follow through when saying enough doesn't stop him. You sharing maybe will make a difference to another reader and even if it's just one then that's a good thing. I hope you can see that you don't need us to give you a reality slap. You already see reality and have the courage to face it when you want to. NTV aka just some stranger on the Internet. 2
Arieswoman Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Sondering, I knew a girl like you once, and I've posted about her before. She was single, and when she was 25 got involved with a MM she met a trade convention. He lived in a different town to her. He told her straight from the get-go that he wasn't going to leave his wife because he was a Catholic and it was against his religion They had a few breakups but he always managed to talk her round again So they met up secretly at hotels and her place for 25 years. Yes you read that right - 25 effing years Her epiphany came when she woke up (alone) on her 50th birthday and realised that she had wasted all that time. She had denied herself marriage and children in favour of a selfish cake-eating hypocrite. So she finally dumped him for good. Is this really what you want your future to be? Think about it. 5
loveisanaction Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 (edited) He tells you that if he was single he wouldn't get involved with a married woman but he's okay being married and sleeping with a single lady? ppffff!!!! Girl, why do you even stay with this man? He's not getting a divorce from his wife, he offers you nothing but a few hours here and there and now he's even dissing you for being single yet still sleeping with him. Nahhh!!! Life is too short for nonsense like this. Next! Edited May 15, 2016 by loveisanaction 4
CaliGypsy Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 He's going to continue with his life and family, staying with him will leave you with crumbs. You deserve more. Take your fresh start and leave him behind. He's offering you nothing. And what he said about how he'd not be able to handle things if the situation was reversed? Absolute truth. 1
Lovetoohard Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Pt. 2 of epiphany comes a couple weeks later. We are talking again about situations, etc. He says something about if the tables were turned and he were in my position (divorced, single) he "couldn't do this". While his words are painful to you, they are (bluntly) true. Why would a single, divorced woman or man want to continue a relationship with a MM/MW, who has no plans on leaving their W or H? You have the freedom to start with a blank slate with an available man. He, on the other hand, has no desire to leave his marriage and so this arrangement where he has you on the side to fulfill whatever void, enhance his life, or whatever, suits him just fine. OP, sometimes you just need to max out on your threshold for emotional pain until your heart catches up with your head. You're not quite there yet, but you're inching to that point, slowly but surely. You will know that point where enough is enough. Everyone works at a different pace, but that is unfortunately and inevitably where most OW/OM end up, at which point, they truly call it quits. And by truly calling it quits, I don't mean NC or LC or whatever. You just naturally will have no desire to want to be around or talk to someone that continues to cause you pain. Best wishes... 3
burnt Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Hi Sondering You didn't let anyone down in this site. And I don't think you let yourself down either--but you did hurt yourself and you did prolong the inevitable pain. Do realize that most of the OW or xOW who tried to encourage you to cut off MM from your life have learned to do so the HARD way themselves. That is, most of us, failed to cut off contact when we should have, and as a result we saw what happened to us in the aftermath. Only the OW/OM know why we get sucked back into the affair the moment the MM/MW pulls us back in. Despite our best efforts, despite all the pain and anger, we lose control again and again. And you did the same thing. And what you did was normal. You got sucked back in because a big part of you were and still are in love with this man. However misguided, wrong, and self-destructive this "love" might be, it still is love. And when such strong emotions are involved, it's hard to walk away from someone you once loved so dearly. OK, so here we are now. So, you did try to end things; but you failed. But, so did most of the posters here. Most of us have travelled a very similar path. Most of us have suffered a similar pain. Most of us got sucked back in that "push-pull" game again and again until we were too broken and damaged to keep going any longer. Take comfort in that. And in time, WHEN (not if) you finally are able to say your FINAL goodbye to this man, you too will advice other OW/OM the same exact words: "Go NC--now, not any later". You will be able to foresee the same exact pattern of pain and damage and the ever inevitable bitter ending. For now, have compassion for yourself. But also recognize that you are nearing the end of this hurtful relationship. You ARE starting to come out of the "fog". Breaking out of an affair is a painful process. It always takes time, but you are moving in the right direction. I don't have to preach to you at this point--you already know NC is the only option you have. Best wishes. 4
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