Porter56 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 The Friendzone....Gotcha I absolutely hate the term but it seems there are quite a few men on here always wondering about how to make a move, when to make a move, did I miss my opportunity? So on and so forth... I would like all the beautiful and intelligent women on here to give some input. When you first meet a guy...What is the window he has to make a move before he becomes that awful dreaded thing known as ....a friend (ugh). When do you start to look at him as just another friend and what is it that prevents you from seeing him as more than that. I officially nominate this the most original thread ever.... 1
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Can't speak for all women, but in my personal experience, there is no "window" and there is no "friendzone"; if I'm meeting a man with the intention of dating him, he's either attractive to me - and attracted to me - or he's not. If it's mutual, he'll either pick up on and respond to the social cues I'm sending that I too am interested, or he won't. If he does, we're good to go; if he doesn't, I'm not interested in dating him [anymore]. Miscues and/or missed cues and/or a lack of mutual interest can occur 3 seconds / 3 minutes / 3 days / 3 decades into it, so again...there is no "window" (of opportunity); every second spent together is as good an opportunity to blow it as the next. If he's not good at / incapable of reading social cues, he's not my type of man...so, really...it's no loss on either end, now is it? 4
IslandDude Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Can't speak for all women, but in my personal experience, there is no "window" and there is no "friendzone"; if I'm meeting a man with the intention of dating him, he's either attractive to me - and attracted to me - or he's not. If it's mutual, he'll either pick up on and respond to the social cues I'm sending that I too am interested, or he won't. If he does, we're good to go; if he doesn't, I'm not interested in dating him [anymore]. Miscues and/or missed cues and/or a lack of mutual interest can occur 3 seconds / 3 minutes / 3 days / 3 decades into it, so again...there is no "window" (of opportunity); every second spent together is as good an opportunity to blow it as the next. If he's not good at / incapable of reading social cues, he's not my type of man...so, really...it's no loss on either end, now is it? What are some of the social cues you use? My problem is that with some girls I don't get any cues (or I just miss them apparently) so I feel like they aren't into me. Other girls (the ones that don't end up being just friends) seem to exhibit at least some interest either through their look, touches, etc. I've had instances though where even though I don't see any social cues the girl still accepts subsequent dates. Maybe just the acceptance of the second date is the cue I guess. 1
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 What are some of the social cues you use? My problem is that with some girls I don't get any cues (or I just miss them apparently) so I feel like they aren't into me. Other girls (the ones that don't end up being just friends) seem to exhibit at least some interest either through their look, touches, etc. I've had instances though where even though I don't see any social cues the girl still accepts subsequent dates. Maybe just the acceptance of the second date is the cue I guess. Yes, flashing smiles, tossing the hair, licking my lips, touching his arm, my body positioning, touching his thigh, leaning in, flirting, making suggestive comments, widening of eyes, pupils dilating, oh-my-God-there's-so-many-planned-and-natural-cues-I-cannot-possibly-list-them-all... I can't speak for other women; there has NEVER been a man to whom I've been attracted that has NOT known I'm interested. If, after letting him know I'm interested, he doesn't return the interest (he's simply not interested, he's not good at picking up the cues, or he's too shy/insecure to respond to them), then I'm no longer interested. I don't do unrequited interest...it's a waste of everyone's time and energy. 2
basil67 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 What are some of the social cues you use? My problem is that with some girls I don't get any cues (or I just miss them apparently) so I feel like they aren't into me. Other girls (the ones that don't end up being just friends) seem to exhibit at least some interest either through their look, touches, etc. I've had instances though where even though I don't see any social cues the girl still accepts subsequent dates. Maybe just the acceptance of the second date is the cue I guess. Sounds to me like you're on top of it: You're able to pick up cues from the girls who are interested. And the others weren't interested. The acceptance of a date is not necessarily a cue. She could just have nothing better to do. Some women are happy to be wined and dined with no plans to take it further.
spiderowl Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I think it's really difficult for guys. Some I meet and I don't fancy them and some don't fancy me of course. If I like them, I will chat with them and be friendly. I don't really flirt. It must be difficult for a guy to suss out whether I'm interested in him or not. Basically, if he asks me to spend time with just him (walk, meal, date or something) and I'm not interested in him in that way, I'd probably just be vague and off-putting or say nothing. If I liked him, I would say yes, or seem pleased. Then again, if I was really attracted to a guy, I wouldn't believe he was interested in me so may behave in a confusing way as I would assume I was in the friendzone! It's all a bit silly I know and probably causes confusion. Basically, if I see a guy as just a friend, I will treat him as a friend and probably avoid spending time alone with him if I thought he might want it to be more.
mrldii Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 The problem with threads like this is they completely ignore the fact that every single woman is different...just like every single man is different. Guys are gonna read the responses in this thread and say, "Oh, well, I could NEVER do that..." or, "I ALWAYS do that, and still it doesn't work...", as if ONE thing/ONE way is gonna work on ALL women. It won't. Some women are going to be like me: more aggressive and more assertive than the *norm*; what works for us, WON'T work for others. Some women are going to by shyer and more reserved; what works for them, WON'T work for others. Some women are going to WANT to only be "friends first", so the "friendzone" IS where you want to be, at the start. The best advice I can give to ALL men who struggle with this, is STOP trying to find THAT ONE WAY that's gonna work on all of us. It's impossible...and, worse yet, it's insulting. You're not gonna be That Guy who can get ANY woman; he doesn't exist. The chances are better that you have a type of woman that you're attracted to; you probably find yourself going out with THAT type of woman, frequently. So, try stuff...put stuff out there...push a little/pull back a little, joke...chat...go silent, whatever...just DO something. And then (and, here's the magical part): pay attention to the results. If something you did or didn't do workedor didn't work on the type of girl you're interested in, then do it (or DON'T do it) the next time...and pay attention to the results. Repeated successes - AND repeated failures - should tell you something. Too many of you approach this whole *Oh, The Great Mysteries of Dating* by insisting that you're just going to keep doing the same thing, over and over, waiting for it to work. That's "insanity". If you wanted to learn how to hit the target with a bow-and-arrow, you wouldn't keep making the same shot, over and over, waiting for that lucky strike; you'd learn from your last shot, make the adjustments, and keep trying 'til you hit the bulls-eye and could continue to do so on a fairly regular basis. So many men who are *lost*, simply want to wait until the archery field decides to get rid of all the red and yellow circles and just make the whole damn 6'x6' target one big ol' bulls-eye. It ain't gonna happen. Besides, where's the *sport* in that??? 2
preraph Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 First of all, the recent social problem has been people are counting online interaction as if they're dates, and they're not. So you have to go on a real date, not just a hanging out together, because you want her to KNOW it's a date and that you want to date her not be friends. This is so simple. Seriously, the rules have been the same forever and the rule is as long as the woman hasn't developed an aversion to you during the first date and isn't actively ducking you if you hold her hand or hug or touch her arm, then a mouth kiss at least longer than a chicken peck is expected when you see her to her home or Uber. It's not rocket science. If you don't call it a date and you don't give her an end of date kiss, you're just failing to let her know what your end goal is. 1
Confused9999 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I read somewhere an interesting analogy. Men and women instantly rate the opposite sex with 30 seconds of meeting them, and put them on a mental ladder. The higher the step on the ladder the more they are interested and find them attractive. The interesting thing... Men only have one ladder. Meaning really attractive women rate highly and want we to sleep with them or date them, but if they are not interested we can be "friends" and will probably lower our ranking and move them down some steps. Women however have 2 distinct ladders. They will instantly put you on an "interested" ladder when she feels like it's a potential date, hookup, etc.. or on the "friends" ladder. They still rank you based on how they like you but there is 2 very separate and distinct rankings. The women can move men from "interested" ladder to "friend" ladder if the men are not interested in them but are still nice, or if the woman changes her mind about her attractiveness to him. However, it is VERY rare for a guy to be moved from the "friend" ladder to the "interested" ladder!
planb1973 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 The reality is that we, men and women, inadvertently put ourselves in the friend zone. All through college I was friend zoned. Now 20 years later through hooking up with an old "friend" from college I found out that most of those women had a crush on me. Why did I get friend zoned? Lack of confidence, not picking up on clues, fear of rejection, and not being direct. If you end up in the friend zone you have done it to yourself. I think there are more obvious signs when a woman is not interested in a romantic relationship. If you are not getting any of those signs and end up in the friend zone you put yourself there. Mrldii said it best, that all women are different. You can not lump them and their different ways of showing clues into one box. If you want something more than friendship then YOU have to communicate that.
ashteller Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Can't speak for all women, but in my personal experience, there is no "window" and there is no "friendzone"; if I'm meeting a man with the intention of dating him, he's either attractive to me - and attracted to me - or he's not. If it's mutual, he'll either pick up on and respond to the social cues I'm sending that I too am interested, or he won't. If he does, we're good to go; if he doesn't, I'm not interested in dating him [anymore]. Miscues and/or missed cues and/or a lack of mutual interest can occur 3 seconds / 3 minutes / 3 days / 3 decades into it, so again...there is no "window" (of opportunity); every second spent together is as good an opportunity to blow it as the next. If he's not good at / incapable of reading social cues, he's not my type of man...so, really...it's no loss on either end, now is it? You mentioned no window or friend zone. Not sure if your current age matters but like examples back in school college or just hanging out with a group of people you are not seeing a guy for dating. For you, you say your signals are pure, other woman sometimes give those same signals but are just being nice and friendly or having fun flirting. Like relationships and love can happen without anyone trying. I do have a problem with timing and I am not sure how soon or how patient I need to be. It's the biggest problem for me. I miss my window of opportunity or I jump the gun, either way it's ruined.
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 The friendzone is a most pathetic place to be. A friendzone CAN be turned around to a "friendwithbenefitszone" sometimes but even that can be painful. It's all about how you mentally frame things, how you compartmentalise your feelings. I cannot do that, I'm an on/off type of person. If I'm with someone, they're MINE and I'm THEIRS. I did have a girl eons back who friendzoned me but still did stuff with me, sexy holidays and the like. But I developed feelings and it was a one-way street. So I broke it off in the end. But it depends on the type of person you are, how you love.
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