Friendzoned because I didnt make a move

May 15, 2016

i dont know if it was all your fault phil...to me...with the body language you were reading sounds like she wasnt as into you as you were to her...

take it as a lesson learned and next time you date another.....be a little braver in making it intimate ..not like tongue down the throat eating her tonsils sort of kissing but hand holding and a soft kiss wouldnt be invasive...best wishes......deb

May 15, 2016

i dont know if it was all your fault phil...to me...with the body language you were reading sounds like she wasnt as into you as you were to her...

Right... I'm guessing you didn't make a move because she didn't give any signs that she wanted to be close proximity of you.

When a woman's interested in the pre-kissing stage...she usually leans closer to you, touches you when she laughs, will to sit close enough so your legs are touching, is receptive to you touching her on the small of her back or hips when passing by her, etc.

Those are just examples, but I recall putting my arm around a woman to keep her warm on a cold day walking in the city, and she let me do it...but...she felt like a cold fish...her body didn't respond in kind to my doing that. That's why I didn't try to kiss her at the end of the night.

She was stiff, sitting upright, but would look at me while talking. Nice, cordial, but rigid. We did this for 3 dates and well, I figured by the third date she'd be less rigid when I would go in to keep her warm only to find she was just tolerating me touching her.

She wasn't repulsed by it, but I'm guessing she thought, "That's sweet of him, but I won't encourage it further."

That's just the vibe I got from her.

I'm guessing chances are during those 6 to 7 dates, she was likely not giving out the body language conducive to the desire to be touched by you...and that sub-communicated you into not going in for a kiss.

Basically, "Well, she isn't giggling, smiling and leaning close to me, so I better not kiss her....yet."

May 15, 2016

Exactly!! I didn't get the vibe from her that she was the touchy feels type and that put it off... I wanted to hold her hands and kiss her and stuff, but I didn't get the vibe that she wanted it... And now I got friend zoned for it and I feel like crap because it was all there in front of me to take

May 15, 2016

Exactly!! I didn't get the vibe from her that she was the touchy feels type and that put it off... I wanted to hold her hands and kiss her and stuff, but I didn't get the vibe that she wanted it... And now I got friend zoned for it and
I feel like crap because it was all there in front of me to take

Then again maybe it wasn't.

Maybe it is just a convenient excuse to let you go.

Had she been really interested, she may have hung around for 20 dates without a big move from you or she would have given you more of a green light to get closer to her in the first place.

May 15, 2016

Reading this post, I second she wasn't interested. Or VERY inexperienced.

How old are both of you? Any past LTRs?

Yeah... I've been wracking my brain around what went wrong and she was definitely the type that said she wanted to take things slow, and how we both really liked each other. But whenever I was with her, her body languages wasn't there for me to hold her hands or anything like arms crossed, not leaning towards me as much, always tired because we would date after work.... I just didn't know if she was ready for it or not and now I lost her because she was waiting for me.... Makes me sick to my stomach because I really really liked her

May 15, 2016

LTRs? not sure what that is...

but We are both in our later 20s...

I know she was cheated on by her ex in her previous relationship.. I know its unhealthy but I cant help but asking myself the what if and the should've couldves...had I only just reached out for her hand

May 15, 2016

LTR = Long Term Relationship.

Phil, just best to let it go and come out like a beast next time. Being sad and beating yourself up about it won't get you anywhere and moping will just make you look very unattractive to the opposite sex. Take the knock, learn, improve and keep your fingers crossed.

I doubt she'll come back to you but IF you can do the NC rule harshly, who knows. But IF that happens (and don't hold onto it) then it's time to blast like a bazooka.

In the meantime, do a few push-ups and listen to angry 90s rap for a bit, get hench and in fighting fashion. Wimping out is the worst thing you could ever do in this situation.

May 15, 2016

Then again maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it is just a convenient excuse to let you go.
Had she been really interested, she may have hung around for 20 dates without a big move from you or she would have given you more of a green light to get closer to her in the first place.

Yeah, maybe she just had you around for companionship of platonic sorts until someone she was attracted to came along.

A lot of unattached women do this, they find a guy that's interested in them, but they aren't interested in them back. But, they probably don't have many friends themselves to hang out with, so they just hang out with you with no intention of romance, and thus they don't really flirt nor react to your flirts/touches.

They are bored and basically only go out with you when they get bored, not because they WANT to be with you.

May 15, 2016

LTR as someone said is long term relationship. I'm assuming you haven't been in one yet? No judgement here, just people learn how to escalate things with experience.

I never had a relationship till I reached my late 20s. Actually the only reason to get in one is meeting a very experienced man who was leading the progression. In your case you sound both inexperienced - which is a dead end situation since both of you didn't (know how to) make any moves.

Nevertheless if she was very into you, it could have worked. I don't think it was the case as I wrote earlier...

LTRs? not sure what that is...

but We are both in our later 20s...

I know she was cheated on by her ex in her previous relationship.. I know its unhealthy but I cant help but asking myself the what if and the should've couldves...had I only just reached out for her hand

May 15, 2016

Thanks for all of that guys and gals. I am just trying to move on and accept the situation aand not think about her anymore but its hard.

We had all these things planned out to do that will never come to fruition now because of my inability and lack of confidence to make that move.

A part of me wishes she could just give me another chance...but I don't think it'll ever happen especially after yesterday when she literally said I was now being pushy and not giving her space and time...

I gave her a farewell message on facebook today. I told her that I was sorry for not taking action when I had the chance and that I regret it very much. That I had fun the last 2 months and thanks for everything, good luck, and that maybe one day in the future we can meet up again to rekindle our friendship.

That is the last time I'm going to reach out to her and a part of me realy hopes and wishes she would come back to me in a few days to see how I am doing or if she wants to hang out again for coffee or something... maybe I'm just in denial still

May 15, 2016

Phil. NO CONTACT. Farewell messages that explain your 'mistakes' make you look like a weed!

Kick over a table and leave the room like John Wayne would. Then down six or seven slugs of Jack straight from the bottle and say "Jesus Christ", squint your eyes and look into the far distance.

May 16, 2016

While obviously not kissing by the sixth date is too late, I do think it can be very tricky knowing when and finding an appropriate time to kiss. I normally try to kiss on the second or third date, depending on how well it going and normally they reciprocate. I almost always test the waters so to speak by holding hands prior.

However there have a been a couple of times when I have been rebuffed. There was one women whom turned down a kiss on the third date. We had been holding hands for the last two dates and there seemed to be quite a bit of chemistry so I thought it was a sure thing. I tried kissing her again on the fifth date at my apartment, however again she refused. Both times she said "we should just get to know each first". On the next date she said we should be friends. My suspicion with her is that she was never that keen in the first place. Another women turned down a kiss on the second date, however she did reciprocate on the fourth date. On the other hand I think there have been a couple of women whom I lost because I had not kissed by second date.

Also finding somewhere private enough to kiss I find can often be tricky. The most private place is probably is at home, however if you invite a women home too early, it can appear you are just interested in sex. Finding a private place elsewhere is often very tricky, particularly if you live in big city like me.

So I can understand the OP's reluctance to kiss her as sometimes it is rebuffed and due to the need for privacy when doing it. However even if it is rebuffed if they are interested there will usually be another chance, while if you never make the move on the first few dates it is normally game over.

Seriously, as long as the woman knows it's a date because you called it a date when you asked her out and behaved as if you were on a date, women expect to be kissed when you drop them off, nothing too sloppy unless things have already gotten a little touchy, but the end of a date is when women expect a kiss. They are free to stop you, but if they're feeling that way, you can usually tell midway through the date anyway. They can turn their cheek. that's about the worst that can happen.

May 16, 2016

By the time you passed the 4th date and still hadn't kissed her, she had decided you just wanted to be friends or that you were too inexperienced to go further with. So even if you'd made an attempt let's say 6 weeks into it, by then she was already settled into her role as your friend and lost the excitement.

Let us know if you hear back from her. Meanwhile, just go do things with friends to take your mind off it and remember dating is a learning experience and we've all floundered at it one time or another.

May 16, 2016

Phil. NO CONTACT. Farewell messages that explain your 'mistakes' make you look like a weed!

When someone dumps/ditches you, the last thing you do is apologise.

You should have played it cool. Your attitude should be 'so?'.

Yes, even if you aren't feeling like that.

Women cry a lot. However, they do not like the man to know they do this, or that he's got to them.

It's called 'being smart'

May 16, 2016

These problems wouldn't exist if men just made the moves.

Women are women. Accept it.

Respect, or subservience?

It sounds like you're almost ashamed of your sexuality.

That really isn't good.

No problems initiating the moves...

15 months...

This isn't something to promote to the OP in my opinion.

It's about doing what you want, and being real.

You're telling me, man to man, that you didn't want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend for 15 months?

I agree.

Put it down to experience, and go complete no-contact.

^^^This!^^^

What was going in your head hun??? You didnt kiss the girl for 15 weeks but your surprised why she doesnt want to see you anymore???

I've friend zoned guys for not kissing me on the first date!

Hun, I dont mean to be blunt but you need to buck up alittle. Theres nothing disrespectful about giving a women a kiss after a date...but I think you know that...I think you were just to scared to make a move.

I once went out on a date with a guy who I kind of felt attracted to but when he didnt kiss me goodnight...that was that! Then I texted him telling him how I felt more of a friend vibe from him...he took it poorly...he proceeded to text me all these sappy, desperate texts, asking me to give him another chance...ugh that was even more of a turn off...as if I wasnt already done.

So next time, kiss the girl! And if she rejects you...dont continue to contact her...its not a good look.

May 16, 2016

I once went out on a date with a guy who I kind of felt attracted to but when he didnt kiss me goodnight...that was that! Then I texted him telling him how I felt more of a friend vibe from him...he took it poorly...he proceeded to text me all these sappy, desperate texts, asking me to give him another chance...ugh that was even more of a turn off...as if I wasnt already done.

And that's exactly what I did.... FML

May 16, 2016

And that's exactly what I did.... FML

Oh hun, its ok! Live and learn! Women need to feel that physical connection with a guy to consider him as more than a friend...if we dont get that...you know the rest. I really think you need to have more confidence in yourself. If a women goes on a date with you, if shes smiling, laughing, good body language (leaning towards you or quickly touching your arm) go in for the kiss at the end of the date! If shes not feeling it...thats ok! The world isnt going to end. At least you can say you tried. If she is feeling it then your probably in the bf zone!

Dont over think it, dont build it up in your mind. Theres plenty of fish in the sea, theres someone out there for you...you just have to be more proactive next time.

Def go NC with this girl. Close that door for good. Give yourself some time to process what happened...however long you need. Then when your ready, get back out there. I would recommend you push yourself to go out on lots of dates, get some practice...learn how to read women.

Dont beat yourself up hun...she wasnt the right one for you. But the right one is out there so be hopeful and confident!

May 16, 2016

Thanks for the advice! That's what ive been wracking my brain over the past 2-3 days is I don't think she did any of the things that would NORMALLY give me signs to kiss her or hold her hands even. I mean she never tried to reach out or touch my arms, she never leaned over to me...the only time was when she got a blanket when we were watching movie at her place and we shared the blanket, but there was a pillow between us and she was leaning away with her arms crossed....

I don't know did I misread something?! lol normally all those signs point to the girl not being interested or shes not the touchy feely type. But if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't be going out with me for multiple dates, so I figure she just wasn't the touchy feely type...

May 16, 2016

Thanks for the advice! That's what ive been wracking my brain over the past 2-3 days is I don't think she did any of the things that would NORMALLY give me signs to kiss her or hold her hands even. I mean she never tried to reach out or touch my arms, she never leaned over to me...the only time was when she got a blanket when we were watching movie at her place and we shared the blanket, but there was a pillow between us and she was leaning away with her arms crossed....

I don't know did I misread something?! lol normally all those signs point to the girl not being interested or shes not the touchy feely type. But if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't be going out with me for multiple dates, so I figure she just wasn't the touchy feely type...

Its hard to read signs sometimes but....why would you want to date someone that wasnt showing you they're interested? I think you missed a red flag there. But you may have created her feelings of disengagment because you didnt make a move for so long. Maybe she was entertaining the idea of you, hoping she could make herself feel a spark....but you needed to give her that spark...you needed to kiss her.

If the girl is interested in beginning (1-3 dates) you need to make a move then. Keep an eye out for the signs...if they're there...make your move.

May 16, 2016

Yeah definitely no signs in the first 3 dates, the last date we had was when we shared the blanket lol.

the first date was just coffee at a starbucks and we just chatted and she was getting sick so she didn't have a voice...

the second date we had breakfast for like 2 hours but she had to run

and then the third date was a movie where she leaned away from me (we had reclining chairs so the cup/arm rest was fixed and ginormous between us), and her arms were crossed. (I asked her over the phone the same thing after she said I didn't make a move and told her I didn't get any signs and she said she was cold).

but she said because she invited me over to meet her family with a fundraiser, invited me over to her house, picked me up from the airport, etc that's stuff she doesn't do for people (which I didn't know!) so I don't know, I felt like looking back, I didn't see any signs other than the blanket... Maybe I should've forced myself to hold her hand...I don't know

May 16, 2016

Yeah definitely no signs in the first 3 dates, the last date we had was when we shared the blanket lol.

the first date was just coffee at a starbucks and we just chatted and she was getting sick so she didn't have a voice...

the second date we had breakfast for like 2 hours but she had to run

and then the third date was a movie where she leaned away from me (we had reclining chairs so the cup/arm rest was fixed and ginormous between us), and her arms were crossed. (I asked her over the phone the same thing after she said I didn't make a move and told her I didn't get any signs and she said she was cold).

but she said because she invited me over to meet her family with a fundraiser, invited me over to her house, picked me up from the airport, etc that's stuff she doesn't do for people (which I didn't know!) so I don't know, I felt like looking back, I didn't see any signs other than the blanket... Maybe I should've forced myself to hold her hand...I don't know

Well the signs arent always going to be obvious hun. Sometimes you just need to go out on a limb. If a girl is on a date with you...esp if its a second date....you can pretty much assume you can kiss her. I mean...its a kiss...your not proposing marriage.

Like I said...dont overthink it. Just go for it.

And when you met her family...you probably shouldve known she was into you. I would think the kiss would come long before that

May 16, 2016

There are two real problems from what I've seen in this thread:

1. Your regret for not making a move.

and

2. The way you have this girl on a pedestal.

The solutions are this:

1. Learn from it. Make a move next time. There are all sorts of ways to build sexual tension - you don't even need to touch her to do that. You can build up for a kiss with flirting and eye contact alone. Experiment.

2. This is just a typical oneitis issue. She isn't 'perfect', and you weren't 'in love' - despite what you might think. You need to date (or attempt to date) more women to get some perspective. She wasn't such a special snowflake

Longterm, you'll be fine

May 16, 2016

There are two real problems from what I've seen in this thread:

1. Your regret for not making a move.

and

2. The way you have this girl on a pedestal.

The solutions are this:

1. Learn from it. Make a move next time. There are all sorts of ways to build sexual tension - you don't even need to touch her to do that. You can build up for a kiss with flirting and eye contact alone. Experiment.

2. This is just a typical oneitis issue. She isn't 'perfect', and you weren't 'in love' - despite what you might think. You need to date (or attempt to date) more women to get some perspective. She wasn't such a special snowflake

Longterm, you'll be fine

Yeah.. im suffering from oneitis because I was the one that screwed it up I mean if it was something she did and I broke it off, then I wouldn't be AS hurt...but this time I feel like I had everything in front of me and I just F***ed it all away because I didn't want to scare her away.. I cant even concentrate at work...

And honestly, she was one of the nicer ones that I have met...and I don't get a lot of girls interested in me because im busy all the time and I don't go out. I go off of online dating and no one there that I like responds to me..

May 16, 2016

Yeah.. im suffering from oneitis because I was the one that screwed it up I mean if it was something she did and I broke it off, then I wouldn't be AS hurt...but this time I feel like I had everything in front of me and I just F***ed it all away because I didn't want to scare her away.. I cant even concentrate at work...

And honestly, she was one of the nicer ones that I have met...and I don't get a lot of girls interested in me because im busy all the time and I don't go out. I go off of online dating and no one there that I like responds to me..

How many chicks going 'poor me' are hot to you?

Me? I like the ones that laugh a lot because that's what I wanna do. Smile and laugh and relax and have fun. And then I want to hide a drunk raccoon in the back of a business executive's limo before he gets in.... err disregard that last thing. What I'm getting at is that what you find attractive is likely what they will find attractive. A fit body? Nice clothes? Charming? Quiet? Thoughtful?

May 16, 2016

I gave her a farewell message on facebook today. I told her that I was sorry for not taking action when I had the chance and that I regret it very much. That I had fun the last 2 months and thanks for everything, good luck, and that maybe one day in the future we can meet up again to rekindle our friendship

What?

Sorry man, but this is a total NO NO. You could not have done any worse unless you put some sad piano music and wind chimes behind it on a Wav file when you sent her the message.

Don't even think about a friendship. Delete her from your life and start anew. You will never get anywhere with her now. If she had any respect for you, the FB message probably made that evaporate.

Please do yourself a favor. Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy PDF". And read it. I think you could glean a lot of good info from it that you could stand to use.

Good Luck.

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Friendzoned because I didnt make a move

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