Friendzoned because I didnt make a move

May 15, 2016

Women want to be sexy and desired. You can do this in a nice and sexy way without being a sleaze. It's all about finding the moment and KNOWING the moment is right.

May 15, 2016

My gut says its over....but is there any possible way that I can win her heart again? I know its all my fault because I didn't make a move when she was openly available for it and I hate myself right now for not doing a simple gesture such as holding her hand or a kiss or something... I feel sick and I'm hoping that in time she will give me another chance... I don't plan on talking to her anymore until she reaches out to me again (if she even does)...

What should I do guys? I'm really broken up right now

Who knows if she will come to her senses and realise she is cutting her own nose off despite her face. But my advice is this. Leave her alone, no more texts, no more being friends. Just move out of the picture completely. While you are there she will continue to lash out and that's just going to hurt you and eventually burn your feelings for her.

In a few days time when she's cooled off she might be reach out and be over her little temper tantrum. If not, then move on. Sucks but it's your only choice.

May 15, 2016

yeah, that's exactly it... I mean I still am kinda hoping that she'll understand and give me another chance...but I doubt it now

It doesn't work that way. Her desire died. There's really no coming back from that. There's no guarantee things would have gone well if you had acted earlier, but at least there would have been a little spark between you back then, whether it worked out in the long term or not. You'll know better next time. And there will be a next time. Lots of other fish in the sea. You were doing fine with the hugging and touching at first, but as long as when you do that and you're within the first 3 dates, and she hasn't pulled away or said she just wants to be friends, then end the night with a kiss on the mouth, a good one. And don't ask first. We expect a kiss when you drop us off. Doesn't have to be of Olympic proportions, but not just a peck. Good luck.

May 15, 2016

yeah... I'm just broken up inside because A) It was all my fault and it was on me... I mean she did say she wanted to take things slow...but I guess I took it too slow

Taking things slow means intercourse, not kissing. If a woman won't even kiss you by the third date, she isn't ever going to be attracted to you and you may as well move on.

May 15, 2016

Thanks for all the replies guys and gals. And yeah, you are all right. I WAS nervous to kiss her because I didn't know how she would take it...it was really all my own fault in this case and I now lost one of the more perfect girls ive ever dated because of it... and I don't think there is a chance in hell I'm going to get her back again

May 15, 2016

All these problems wouldn't exist if women just made the moves.

I never 'make a move' because I grew up in a culture which advocated respect for women. That is, not to make women feel I only want to have sex with them. I like women to feel valued for their brains, wisdom, insight, spirit, heart, humour, and personality above their sexual appeal. I genuinely like the women behind their packaging. I don't merely want to touch the packaging.

That said, all my exes and casual sexual partners had no problem initiating the 'moves'. I had one girlfriend where we didn't even hold hands for 3 months, nor did we have penetrative sex for 15 months - she was a virgin. She initiated the lot, and was grateful for me giving her time and space to feel relaxed, and to build up sexual tension. When she eventually reached out to hold my hand, the buzz was incredible.

Why the rush these days? What's wrong with building up sexual tension? The whole expectation to subscribe to a time-frame "kiss by 3rd date or you're just too shy" etc is so irksome and daunting.

Anyway OP, you asked:
From my experience, the only way is to disappear from her life. Not even so much as a "hi how you doing?" text. It's not a guarantee, but it's your best possible chance. It probably won't win her heart, but it will at least win some desire and curiosity... possibly.

Speaking as a (old) woman who has occasionally "made the move,"

I can only tell you that I only bothered to make the moves on guys who were confident and hot and had a lot of options, to get their attention, not guys who were too fearful to make the moves themselves. For example, once I saw a rocker in a bar talking to a skinny waitress I was tired of tripping over and on the way out the door to the ladies room, with her standing right there, I leaned over to his ear and said, "You can do better" and just kept walking out the door. He followed me, of course.

May 15, 2016

Women want to be sexually desired plain and simple. You can show sexual desire without being a sleaze bag. If you do some heavy flirting, hand holding, light touching, or kissing it isn't disrespecting a woman at all. When you hold back it looks like you are weak and lacking confidence...it becomes confusing, and a turn off.

Some women like myself have np making the first move, but most women feel that it lessens their value if they do. I know guys, it's not what you think but it's a fact that is how women feel. Attraction, and developing sexual tension is a two way street IMO. Women want sex just as much as guys do, nothing wrong with making it known.

Exactly, plus when all along the guy has been saying how he's being respectful, then if she makes a move, they're thinking, Well, then he won't think that's a respectable thing to do.

May 15, 2016

No worries dude! None of us would have any advice on friendzoned if he hadn't been at one point or another. For future reference don't worry about how they're gonna take it. If she takes it wrong then you know and don't waste any more time pursuing something that isn't there.

Better to know sooner than later I say!

May 15, 2016

But now you KNOW what to do next time.

BLAST, my friend, BLAST.

May 15, 2016

Yes, I think it's fair to say we've all been friendzoned before. Timing is everything, but the initial attraction does have to be there too.

May 15, 2016

yeah... I mean the worst part was that everything was there...and I just didn't seize the opportunity.. That's whats hurting me the most right now, that I didn't do it... eventhough it was right there for me to take. ugh

May 15, 2016

It happens to everyone to be rejected.

But if you want a honest feedback:

1) 6-7 dates in 2 months is... a kiss of death for romance, unless you're VERY actively communicating in between dates. Too busy (for a long time) is not an excuse for genuinely interested people.

2) Taking it slow... Means no sex on dates 1, 2 and maybe 3. No kiss for 2 months ... Gives the vibe you're not attracted to her. Women mirror - so her attraction died as well.

I had a guy like this. I'm still in touch as friends, I'm sure he wants more but there is no way back from my end. While he was hesitant I met my BF... Dating is cruel, it is all about timing. I was so weirded out with this guy - he wanted to talk for hours but no touch, no kiss- I felt like he's my little brother.

But it is a learning experience. From your description, she wasn't too much into you anyway... You learned something and are one step closer to find love respectively.

Hey everyone... this is my first post here but I have been reading these forums for a while. Lets just say right now my heart is pretty broke and I am really depressed and emotional.

So I met this girl on match and we kicked it off really well. After a week or so of talking, we met in person over coffee and we hugged and things were going really well. She works a lot so we only hang out like once a week, and I was traveling a lot too during this time so over a course of 2 months or so, we met 6-7 times. During this time, we hugged after each outing, such as dinner, movie, movie at her place, etc.. she even picked me up from the airport when I flew back. I actually love this girl a lot and I feel like things were going really well. That's why I didn't want to rush things and respect her boundaries by taking it slow. I didn't want to make sleezy moves or anything like that that would make her feel uncomfortable... I really wanted to be sure she was ready before I leaned over and kissed her.

But then recently she became really cold and started cancelling plans, became active on a dating site again, etc. I asked her about it over the phone after she cancelled our plans again and I asked her what was wrong and she said that She was confused on what we were because I would send her texts that would indicate that I want to be in a relationship with her, but when we hang out, we never hold hands or kiss or anything..just hugs like friends do and she started treating me like a friend. Then when I told her how I really felt and that I really liked her and I wanted to make a move but I didn't for respect for her and that if I had known she was ok with it, I would've been all over it.

She then said that she doesn't know what to say anymore or what to do and wanted me to remain her firend because shse still cares about me and think I'm an awesome guy, and I told her to please think about what we said and she said she would, but would need time.

We said our good nights and then this morning, I asked her if it was ok to give her a gift that arrived a few days prior for her, and I drove over and dropped it off after she said it was ok. She then gave me really cold shoulders, a hug or two, and when I was trying to tell her in person that I didn't want to lose her or be friendzoned, she told me she has nothing else she wants to say, because she said everything already last night. I moved in to give her a hug and tried to give her a goodbye peck on the cheeks but she pushed me back saying that I'm being pushy now and she needs space and time....

My gut says its over....but is there any possible way that I can win her heart again? I know its all my fault because I didn't make a move when she was openly available for it and I hate myself right now for not doing a simple gesture such as holding her hand or a kiss or something... I feel sick and I'm hoping that in time she will give me another chance... I don't plan on talking to her anymore until she reaches out to me again (if she even does)...

What should I do guys? I'm really broken up right now

May 15, 2016

What did you mean by she wasn't too much into me? lol I'm trying to piece together stuff in my head

May 15, 2016

Saying she's too busy with work and not initiating dates more frequently. I could be wrong of course, that's just what comes to mind reading your description.

Don't get too hung up on this. I've done that before - it didn't help. Just remember what you learned and move forward.

What did you mean by she wasn't too much into me? lol I'm trying to piece together stuff in my head

May 15, 2016

I feel for you, OP. But as people in the thread have pointed out (and you are aware of), at least now you know. And, to take the G.I. Joe advice to heart, knowing is half the battle.

6-7 dates is a long time for there to be zero physical intimacy. Two months is even longer, especially if you're communicating regularly. Women can sense a lack of confidence and it turns them off very rapidly. You have to show her you're interested in her romantically and more than as friends. Words aren't going to do it. As mentioned several times above, unfortunately as men, it's incumbent upon us to make all of the first moves. It's a gray area, because you definitely don't want to be too aggressive, but you have to make it crystal clear that you want her for her to reciprocate. Even if you don't go for the kiss straight away, you can escalate things physically and gradually to communicate your intentions. Light touching, a hand on the small of her back, her knee, etc.

I had a situation a few weeks ago where I was dating a woman I was really into. I did all the classic escalation on the first date. Due to some strange circumstances and the fact that the only time we were really alone "privately" was on our second date and I was house sitting for some friends (making out isn't my thing unless it leads straight into sex, and sex in other people's homes is a gray area etiquette-wise), we didn't end up kissing until our third date (if you could call it a date, it was really just me inviting her to something really quickly because I wanted to see her). By then, I had had enough and I went for it. It wasn't a full on make out, but she reciprocated. The two dates beforehand, I had escalated physically, though. For whatever reason, that ended shortly thereafter, part of me does wonder about "making a move" sooner. But this all transpired over the course of one week, so I'm confident enough to feel like I did what I could in that time frame to communicate my interest in her.

I say that to say this: the worst part, like you said, is the pain of knowing you could have done something but didn't. That you didn't leave it all on the field. You can kick yourself endlessly over that. That's something I didn't want to happen in the above situation, so despite the circumstances, I did something as quickly as I could. Now you know you don't want to experience this again and because of that, I bet you'll be more than ready to pull the trigger earlier on.

Keep your chin up.

May 15, 2016

ok... I mean its so hard...because I felt like today I may have pushed her even further away for trying to tell her how I felt in person vice just being over the phone last night.

I feel sick to my stomach right now, like I said, I really loved this girl

How could you love her?

You only knew her for a few months.... Say that if you spent years with her.

I know how you feel. I've been there and all you can do is forget about her and move on. Trust me nothing you do or say will change anything now.

Use the feedback she gave you now to improve for next time. Be sure next time you hold the girls hand.

May 15, 2016

Man strong romantic feelings are hard to fight. But love---real love---is something built brick by brick.

You actually got to learn two really really important things from this. The first is the friend zone how to avoid and how to react.

The second is what you get to learn about yourself. .. if you fall this hard on this little bit of contact then you know you're gonna need to keep your emotions in check better. If you keep this up you're looking to get taken advantage of. Maybe financially maybe worse.

So next time you fall for a chick keep that brick by brick thing in your head. True love isn't like the movies. How strong you and whoever your next chick feel that feeling in the beginning of a relationship means almost nothing 3 or 4 years later. It's what you build with it that's important. Build a strong foundation of honesty trust respect and loyalty and that's the foundation of true love.

May 15, 2016

I grew up with a lot of the "Nice Guy" ideas that a man should respect a woman by not moving too fast. It turns out that's totally wrong, because women aren't turned on by men who don't make a move. They're more turned on my men who are assertive in showing interest and desire for them.

These days I'm pretty assertive about showing interest. But I typically show interest in the wrong women.

May 15, 2016

While obviously not kissing by the sixth date is too late, I do think it can be very tricky knowing when and finding an appropriate time to kiss. I normally try to kiss on the second or third date, depending on how well it going and normally they reciprocate. I almost always test the waters so to speak by holding hands prior.

However there have a been a couple of times when I have been rebuffed. There was one women whom turned down a kiss on the third date. We had been holding hands for the last two dates and there seemed to be quite a bit of chemistry so I thought it was a sure thing. I tried kissing her again on the fifth date at my apartment, however again she refused. Both times she said "we should just get to know each first". On the next date she said we should be friends. My suspicion with her is that she was never that keen in the first place. Another women turned down a kiss on the second date, however she did reciprocate on the fourth date. On the other hand I think there have been a couple of women whom I lost because I had not kissed by second date.

Also finding somewhere private enough to kiss I find can often be tricky. The most private place is probably is at home, however if you invite a women home too early, it can appear you are just interested in sex. Finding a private place elsewhere is often very tricky, particularly if you live in big city like me.

So I can understand the OP's reluctance to kiss her as sometimes it is rebuffed and due to the need for privacy when doing it. However even if it is rebuffed if they are interested there will usually be another chance, while if you never make the move on the first few dates it is normally game over.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Philosopher

May 15, 2016

It honestly sounds like you acted like a scared, love-sick little puppy around her. While that might be cute for maybe 3 minutes, it gets old real quick - and a woman doesn't want to feel like she's dating some love-sick teenage boy who she has to guide into manhood. Women don't find that appealing at all.

I'm not quite sure how you 'love' someone you've dated a handful of times over a couple of months, but again, this is part of your problem because you were MUCH more invested than she was.

May 15, 2016

It's your job as a man to initiate most physical contact. It's much better to go for sex on the first date, get rejected, and have sex with her on the third date than not to go for sex at all. It's a major turn off for most women if you fail to pursue her/won't try (I'm not a woman obviously but my impression is that women think this shows a lack of confidence).

As for this girl, make your move. If she rejects you just cut contact. Being friends is the loser prize, don't be friends if you want more.

May 15, 2016

This happened to me once. Dated a guy for about six weeks...after every date, he'd never make a move past a hug. I figured he wasn't feeling it, but he kept asking me out. By the time I had to not-so-subtly imply that I'd like to be kissed at some point, whatever spark I felt was already dying, and when he actually kissed me...nothing. I've no idea if this is the case with the woman in question, but I think there's definitely a window on these types of things--if there isn't some form of physical affection early on, that attraction is going to start to fade.

I think your plan not to contact her is a good one. If she is genuinely confused, it's a show of respect to give her the space she's asking for.

I've always wondered if there was a "window" of opportunity to get physical with someone and though the guy DID want to kiss her, but "Sorry, you missed out dude!"...then it's a bell that cannot be unrung?

In a sense, it kind of DOES suck that a woman is willing to throw it all away because he missed that window.

I dunno, I was in a situation where I thought we moved too fast and now I'm kind of taking it down a notch as I don't want to force things, but just go with the flow.

All these problems wouldn't exist if women just made the moves

Very good point, I'm thinking the woman in question probably made no attempt to get close to him or "Break his personal bubble" physically. You know how women can lean into a man's body when sitting next to each other? A cuddling attempt is usually a good sign, if she makes an attempt to cuddle.

THEN...he can kiss.

Edited May 15, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

May 15, 2016

While obviously not kissing by the sixth date is too late, I do think it can be very tricky knowing when and finding an appropriate time to kiss. I normally try to kiss on the second or third date, depending on how well it going and normally they reciprocate. I almost always test the waters so to speak by holding hands prior.

However there have a been a couple of times when I have been rebuffed. There was one women whom turned down a kiss on the third date. We had been holding hands for the last two dates and there seemed to be quite a bit of chemistry so I thought it was a sure thing. I tried kissing her again on the fifth date at my apartment, however again she refused. Both times she said "we should just get to know each first". On the next date she said we should be friends. My suspicion with her is that she was never that keen in the first place. Another women turned down a kiss on the second date, however she did reciprocate on the fourth date. On the other hand I think there have been a couple of women whom I lost because I had not kissed by second date.

Also finding somewhere private enough to kiss I find can often be tricky. The most private place is probably is at home, however if you invite a women home too early, it can appear you are just interested in sex. Finding a private place elsewhere is often very tricky, particularly if you live in big city like me.

So I can understand the OP's reluctance to kiss her as sometimes it is rebuffed and due to the need for privacy when doing it. However even if it is rebuffed if they are interested there will usually be another chance, while if you never make the move on the first few dates it is normally game over.

See...it varies from women to women. There are times where a guy would be rebuffed on the third date, while other women will be okay with it.

*Shrug* Women...go figure. lol

May 15, 2016

Either make a move, or move on. Those are the options.

Women are not just two a penny to all men, some men want to make a good impression as they do actually want to hold onto the particular woman in question or they do not have an endless supply of hotties waiting in the wings...

It is all about timing and reading the cues right, Phil misread the cues and was on a hands off/non-sleaze crusade for date after date after date, which would have been perfect for some women, just not this one, she had a "window" and so lost interest.

Edited May 15, 2016 by elaine567

May 15, 2016

Yeah... I've been wracking my brain around what went wrong and she was definitely the type that said she wanted to take things slow, and how we both really liked each other. But whenever I was with her, her body languages wasn't there for me to hold her hands or anything like arms crossed, not leaning towards me as much, always tired because we would date after work.... I just didn't know if she was ready for it or not and now I lost her because she was waiting for me.... Makes me sick to my stomach because I really really liked her

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Friendzoned because I didnt make a move

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