SadPhil Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Hey everyone... this is my first post here but I have been reading these forums for a while. Lets just say right now my heart is pretty broke and I am really depressed and emotional. So I met this girl on match and we kicked it off really well. After a week or so of talking, we met in person over coffee and we hugged and things were going really well. She works a lot so we only hang out like once a week, and I was traveling a lot too during this time so over a course of 2 months or so, we met 6-7 times. During this time, we hugged after each outing, such as dinner, movie, movie at her place, etc.. she even picked me up from the airport when I flew back. I actually love this girl a lot and I feel like things were going really well. That's why I didn't want to rush things and respect her boundaries by taking it slow. I didn't want to make sleezy moves or anything like that that would make her feel uncomfortable... I really wanted to be sure she was ready before I leaned over and kissed her. But then recently she became really cold and started cancelling plans, became active on a dating site again, etc. I asked her about it over the phone after she cancelled our plans again and I asked her what was wrong and she said that She was confused on what we were because I would send her texts that would indicate that I want to be in a relationship with her, but when we hang out, we never hold hands or kiss or anything..just hugs like friends do and she started treating me like a friend. Then when I told her how I really felt and that I really liked her and I wanted to make a move but I didn't for respect for her and that if I had known she was ok with it, I would've been all over it. She then said that she doesn't know what to say anymore or what to do and wanted me to remain her firend because shse still cares about me and think I'm an awesome guy, and I told her to please think about what we said and she said she would, but would need time. We said our good nights and then this morning, I asked her if it was ok to give her a gift that arrived a few days prior for her, and I drove over and dropped it off after she said it was ok. She then gave me really cold shoulders, a hug or two, and when I was trying to tell her in person that I didn't want to lose her or be friendzoned, she told me she has nothing else she wants to say, because she said everything already last night. I moved in to give her a hug and tried to give her a goodbye peck on the cheeks but she pushed me back saying that I'm being pushy now and she needs space and time.... My gut says its over....but is there any possible way that I can win her heart again? I know its all my fault because I didn't make a move when she was openly available for it and I hate myself right now for not doing a simple gesture such as holding her hand or a kiss or something... I feel sick and I'm hoping that in time she will give me another chance... I don't plan on talking to her anymore until she reaches out to me again (if she even does)... What should I do guys? I'm really broken up right now
preraph Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Are you saying kissing is a sleazy move? Who doesn't kiss at least by the 3rd date? And usually the first date. It sounds to me like waiting out of respect was really your excuse for being too fearful to kiss her. Then once she said what the issue was, you took that as her making a move and went for it, but for her it's over now because you were too afraid to do it before. 8
Author SadPhil Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 Are you saying kissing is a sleazy move? Who doesn't kiss at least by the 3rd date? And usually the first date. It sounds to me like waiting out of respect was really your excuse for being too fearful to kiss her. Then once she said what the issue was, you took that as her making a move and went for it, but for her it's over now because you were too afraid to do it before. yeah, that's exactly it... I mean I still am kinda hoping that she'll understand and give me another chance...but I doubt it now
Erik30 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 You already have the right idea, walk away. There's nothing you can really do, just learn from this experience. If she still has any interest left she'll contact you. And if she does, set up a date. 1
Author SadPhil Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 ok... I mean its so hard...because I felt like today I may have pushed her even further away for trying to tell her how I felt in person vice just being over the phone last night. I feel sick to my stomach right now, like I said, I really loved this girl
deadparrot Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 This happened to me once. Dated a guy for about six weeks...after every date, he'd never make a move past a hug. I figured he wasn't feeling it, but he kept asking me out. By the time I had to not-so-subtly imply that I'd like to be kissed at some point, whatever spark I felt was already dying, and when he actually kissed me...nothing. I've no idea if this is the case with the woman in question, but I think there's definitely a window on these types of things--if there isn't some form of physical affection early on, that attraction is going to start to fade. I think your plan not to contact her is a good one. If she is genuinely confused, it's a show of respect to give her the space she's asking for. 5
Author SadPhil Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 yeah... I'm just broken up inside because A) It was all my fault and it was on me... I mean she did say she wanted to take things slow...but I guess I took it too slow
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Sounds dead in the water. See it as a lesson for the future and don't stay as the 'friend' because all you'll be is that doormat of unrequited love she'll use for a bored afternoon to talk about all her issues to. Hell, she'll probably be dating someone else and expect to talk to you about it. It'll be humiliating. No contact, drop it, if she pursues and changes her mind then play hard next time otherwise you're just reopening a needless wound that will never ever heal the more you hang around. But the prognosis doesn't look good, I'm afraid. (And seven dates over two months is quite get-overable). Edited May 14, 2016 by RedPurpleOrange
Philosopher Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 It is impossible to say for sure, but I would very likely yes. You can usually get away waiting for the second, third and maybe even the fourth date for the kiss, particularly if they are keen. However if it has not happened by the sixth date, even those women whom initially were into you will have lost interest and started to assume that it will never happen. They will assume you only want to be friends with them and start treating you like one. I think the only thing you can do is to wait and see whether she suggests meeting up, however I would not hold your hopes up too much. Next time when you go on a couple of promising dates with someone else look out for the signals, be bold and make the move. If you are unsure, perhaps trying holding hands first. If they are receptive to this they should be OK with you kissing them. 3
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Sorry, guy. For whatever reason this ain't gonna happen. Move on. 1
The_Dork_Lard Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) All these problems wouldn't exist if women just made the moves. I never 'make a move' because I grew up in a culture which advocated respect for women. That is, not to make women feel I only want to have sex with them. I like women to feel valued for their brains, wisdom, insight, spirit, heart, humour, and personality above their sexual appeal. I genuinely like the women behind their packaging. I don't merely want to touch the packaging. That said, all my exes and casual sexual partners had no problem initiating the 'moves'. I had one girlfriend where we didn't even hold hands for 3 months, nor did we have penetrative sex for 15 months - she was a virgin. She initiated the lot, and was grateful for me giving her time and space to feel relaxed, and to build up sexual tension. When she eventually reached out to hold my hand, the buzz was incredible. Why the rush these days? What's wrong with building up sexual tension? The whole expectation to subscribe to a time-frame "kiss by 3rd date or you're just too shy" etc is so irksome and daunting. Anyway OP, you asked: is there any possible way that I can win her heart again?From my experience, the only way is to disappear from her life. Not even so much as a "hi how you doing?" text. It's not a guarantee, but it's your best possible chance. It probably won't win her heart, but it will at least win some desire and curiosity... possibly. Edited May 14, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard
Jabron1 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 All these problems wouldn't exist if women just made the moves. These problems wouldn't exist if men just made the moves. Women are women. Accept it. I never 'make a move' because I grew up in a culture which advocated respect for women. Respect, or subservience? That is, not to make women feel I only want to have sex with them. I like women to feel valued for their brains, wisdom, insight, spirit, heart, humour, and personality above their sexual appeal. I genuinely like the women behind their packaging. I don't merely want to touch the packaging. It sounds like you're almost ashamed of your sexuality. That really isn't good. That said, all my exes and casual sexual partners had no problem initiating the 'moves'. I had one girlfriend where we didn't even hold hands for 3 months, nor did we have penetrative sex for 15 months - she was a virgin. She initiated the lot, and was grateful for me giving her time and space to feel relaxed, and to build up sexual tension. When she eventually reached out to hold my hand, the buzz was incredible. No problems initiating the moves... 15 months... This isn't something to promote to the OP in my opinion. Why the rush these days? What's wrong with building up sexual tension? The whole expectation to subscribe to a time-frame "kiss by 3rd date or you're just too shy" etc is so irksome and daunting. It's about doing what you want, and being real. You're telling me, man to man, that you didn't want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend for 15 months? From my experience, the only way is to disappear from her life. Not even so much as a "hi how you doing?" text. I agree. What should I do guys? I'm really broken up right now Put it down to experience, and go complete no-contact. 2
JS84 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Somewhat happened to a friend of mine recently. Now his usual habit was to start sleeping with the girl on the first or by the 2nd date. But he stopped that because he felt like he was leading them on. So recently he started dating another woman and wanted to break that particular habit but he over-compensated. Wouldn't kiss her and wouldn't make a move. After the 4th date ended she straight up asked him why he's never even tried to kiss her at this point. In short, if you're interested, try making progressive moves sooner rather than later. But it sounds like you treat your women like you're in junior high. There are women out there who eventually want to start ****ing, and sooner rather than later. It's over and you blew your chance. She pretty much told you why. Learn from it and don't make the same mistake with the next girl. If you make a move and the girl isn't interested she'll let you know. But if you sit on your hands for weeks on end, make a move and the girl isn't interested she'll REALLY let you know.
The_Dork_Lard Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 These problems wouldn't exist if men just made the moves. Women are women. Accept it. As I said, many men feel conditioned to not make moves, as it oversteps a 'boundary' put in place by a feminist agenda, which, has seeped into our culture over the last few decades, especially around the issue of consent - that's now such a touchy subject, notably in light of the borderline rape culture which seems to exist around college age youths these days. This of course is woven with a traditional ideology of chivalry and gentlemanly-ness spilled over from the bygone days. Not all of us are cavemen willing to beat a girl over the head and drag her back to our lair, not matter how much Saturday night town centres suggest otherwise. If women understood all these obstacles in men's way, and just made the moves, think how much simpler it would all be. You're telling me, man to man, that you didn't want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend for 15 months? I did want to, of course I did, but she clearly wasn't ready, so I showed patience, and she eventually led the way. She appreciated it deeply. It sounds like you're almost ashamed of your sexuality. I'm more than just my sexuality. My sexuality makes up only a part of who I am, and what I desire in women.
NTV Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Being friendzoned sucks... better to cut losses quick. I suggest going radio silent and if she tries to touch base responding in a cold a**hole manner. Like: "I have enough friends. Unless you have an interest or a girlfriend with interest let's keep our distance. Chow."
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 A move HAS to be made. If a woman is into me, then we're at least kissing several times on the first date and usually sexing. If they're into you and you're into them...then there is no other way. I made the mistake many years back of being overly 'respectful'. It looks like fear, smells like fear, it IS fear. They don't want that. And I don't mean they don't want respect, what I mean is they don't want a little toady who never makes a move. You lose value real quick. It's harsh, it's cold, it's true. I just don't understand why women keep guys like this as friends. It's a selfish act on their part and torture on behalf of the 'friend'. I'd never keep a girl I wasn't in to but who was into me as a 'friend'. I know it'd suck bad for them. 1
bu2002 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Just learn from this. Do you have any experience being intimate at all with a women? This is girl you met online, so it's not like you had a reason to be careful. It's not like you had known this girl for years.
basil67 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 It's not totally your fault. If she was really into you, she could have initiated physical contact. Women can and do initiate!
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 ^They do, sometimes, but it's primarily the domain of the man. And that is pretty much law. And if they do initiate, you gotta get in there hard, hot and heavy. A man who falters in that situation...death is preferable to that fate. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 She concluded you friendzoned her because you didn't kiss her. That is perfectly understandable. I was ready to dump the man who is now my husband because he did not kiss me on our 1st 2 dates. He got it right on the 3rd. You have one play here. Send her a small bouquet of flowers with a an apology for giving her the wrong impression & telling her you want to kiss her. Include a schmoopy something . . a silly doll with it's lips puckered, a pillow shaped like lips or my personal favorite a bag of Hershey's kisses. Get her to agree to another date. At least kiss her hello on the cheek & make darn sure you plant a big juicy French kiss on her before the night ends.
phineas Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 After my divorce I had so many women on my couch with me watching a movie & never made the move because I was so nervous & probably wasn't really ready. Those women WANTED to come over & hang for a movie. After I never made a move....friendzoned. Some got really mean because they considered me not trying to sleep with them when they came over as a rejection. Some of them actually shifted gears to trying to use me for things. Now THAT I recognized right away. Bottom line, I learned you go for the kiss on the first date. Period. Any woman that writes me off because I tried to kiss her on the first date isn't interested. Also, while I know this doesn't help the OP, i got sooooo much first date sex simply because I made the move. 1
basil67 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 ^They do, sometimes, but it's primarily the domain of the man. And that is pretty much law. And if they do initiate, you gotta get in there hard, hot and heavy. A man who falters in that situation...death is preferable to that fate. hehe - I've always tended to ignore dating rules 1
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 hehe - I've always tended to ignore dating rules Well I tend to ignore EVERY rule. I just continue down my own effed-up path of crazy truth. And it works a lot more these days. But if, on the first date, they're panting and moaning when they're kissing you...just rub give 'em a nice rub on the crotch. Works EVERY time. Oooooh yeah. 1
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Women want to be sexually desired plain and simple. You can show sexual desire without being a sleaze bag. If you do some heavy flirting, hand holding, light touching, or kissing it isn't disrespecting a woman at all. When you hold back it looks like you are weak and lacking confidence...it becomes confusing, and a turn off. Some women like myself have np making the first move, but most women feel that it lessens their value if they do. I know guys, it's not what you think but it's a fact that is how women feel. Attraction, and developing sexual tension is a two way street IMO. Women want sex just as much as guys do, nothing wrong with making it known. 5
Jabron1 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I'm kind of impossible to exploit in a friendzone. And I find it a very funny thing indeed. - Had a girl try that with me on a first date years ago, told her off, and we were kissing shortly after - Was seeing a girl recently that called me her 'friend' even though we were having sex. 'Friend' meant 'I'm looking around whilst I shag you'. Taken properly with a pinch of salt, because she was the most unfrienliest friend that I'd ever befriended. - Went on a date with a girl last Christmas that was trying to use me just as a date for the holidays ('cuffing'). She tried to give me as little as possible, and actively tried to friendzone me (telling me sob-stories, hinting at Christmas presents, resistant to flirting, etc). Kissed her anyway (it was crap), then ghosted. - Had another girl when I was younger friendzone me to get invites to parties. I kissed her one night, and the cognitive dissonance she expressed actually made me laugh. From that point, she started calling me 'friends, or whatever we are' The friendzone can get real exploitative for guys that are young, or just clueless. Either make a move, or move on. Those are the options.
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