stillyoung Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 When BF has an issue with something I did, instead of just telling me "I'm unhappy because...." he will way exaggerate it to make a point. Like, you never come to my house, you never go to movies with me, you never....etc. Sometimes it turns into lists or challenges. When was the last time we did (fill in blank.) I never really know how to respond effectively. I used to say, well we were just there last week, didn't we just see a movie last Tues, etc. Sometimes he will then say, well that didn't count, you were only at my house 20 min, the movie was with the kids, whatever. I finally realized that he is just saying he feels neglected or whatever, but if I realize that he's really asking, spend weekends at my house more or whatever, and I say, OK this weekend let's go there, he will often say, I know you don't really want to do that. Damned if I do, damned if I don't... So basically these arguments get nowhere. It's very hard not to respond with, wait that's not true (the items on the list.) It's almost as if he is really trying to prove his own point, and it is too late, there is no room for me to explain or even change things (suggest a future event we can do together.) Any ideas on how I can respond to this better? I've tried telling him this way to get his point across isn't effective, but he says I don't listen when he just tells me how he feels. I say, yes I listen, but he just doesn't like the answer (for example, I am too busy to see movies on weeknights.) Then a while later I'll hear, you don't go to movies with me....
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 I recommend "Five Love Languages"; it'll be tremendous help to you, OP. Whether or not your BF reads/embraces it, won't matter; it helps the reader to better understand what they need to feel loved (and how to communicate that need better), in addition to helping the reader better understand what their partner is *saying* and how to better provide what they need. How the Five "Love Languages" Can Help You Win at Relationships Best of luck to you, OP!
Author stillyoung Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 Thanks for the book. I will check it out. I still have the problem though that when he acts this way, it's very hard to listen to the message, instead I hear nails on a chalkboard. I don't like whining from adults, or kids either for that matter. It's like if your kid wants dessert and starts in with, you never give us dessert, etc. before just simply asking. Do you want to reward that behavior? Any ideas on how I can deal with that?
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Throw it back at him. When you say I never do something you are always exaggerating. I can't deal with you when you blow everything out of proportion. I'm happy to address what is bothering you but the hyperbole has to stop. 1
smackie9 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Start of by telling him if he wants things to work better then he will have to learn to communicate better. Tell him you are not a mind reader and his passive/aggressive approach doesn't work. Then instead of making suggestions to him (which seems to frustrate him), ask him straight what his expectations are, what does he really want, but with him not acting all fussy. If he gets out of hand, touch him lightly and calmly say "you are going it again, slow down and lets talk it out." Every time you do that, it will be one more step to correcting his behavior. If you get assertive with him, and tell him off, the wall between you two will only get higher. I feel the only way to make this work is to set up a proper schedule and stick to it, like dinner date on Tuesdays, brunch on Sunday and take the kids to the park, Movie night/sex sleep over Friday, etc. This usually works for married couples who forgot to be a couple after years of raising kids, etc. 2
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Thanks for the book. I will check it out. I still have the problem though that when he acts this way, it's very hard to listen to the message, instead I hear nails on a chalkboard. I don't like whining from adults, or kids either for that matter. It's like if your kid wants dessert and starts in with, you never give us dessert, etc. before just simply asking. Do you want to reward that behavior? Any ideas on how I can deal with that? When dealing with issues with your BF, you're not raising a child; don't compare methods used [successfully] on one with the other, no matter how immature (you may feel) your boyfriend is being. Your posts suggest that you are looking for ways/words to do/say something(s) differently to *make* your BF speak/act differently. You can't. You can only change the way YOU act and respond when he does/says what it is he says/does. Changing how YOU act/respond WILL change the dynamic. We groom children; we don't groom mates. We adjust to mates. Good luck, OP. 2
Author stillyoung Posted May 14, 2016 Author Posted May 14, 2016 When dealing with issues with your BF, you're not raising a child; don't compare methods used [successfully] on one with the other, no matter how immature (you may feel) your boyfriend is being. Your posts suggest that you are looking for ways/words to do/say something(s) differently to *make* your BF speak/act differently. You can't. You can only change the way YOU act and respond when he does/says what it is he says/does. Changing how YOU act/respond WILL change the dynamic. . I do agree that trying to "change" him, much as I'd like to, won't work. I also agree about comparing to kids, I just couldn't think of a better way to describe it. I've tried over and over to respond differently, but it's very hard not to "bean count" back when I get the lists. The most recent from him: I know about all these events in your life (a,b,c..). Do you know about (d,e, f..) in my life? What does that tell you? I responded, actually I know about some of them, but I don't believe you're asking a question, I believe you're trying to make a point that I don't listen to you enough. I'll admit I didn't have time for you in the past few days. But bean counting just makes me want to respond, well do you know about (j,k,l,m,n,o....) in my life? Then this becomes tit-for-tat rather than about an issue. Can you suggest a better way to respond? I really don't want to say, forget the whole thing, but I don't think I can do long term with this type of communication.
preraph Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 You can't control what he does, only what you do. If his lame arguments stop getting him any attention, if he has a brain in his head, he will stop making them. I'm a little retaliatory, admittedly, but if it were me, I'd make sure the next "you never" that came out of him was true: "After we argue, you never have sex with me."
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