Love triangle

[zacedwards]

This is a long, confusing story but I'm in serious need of help.

My ex girlfriend Crystal and I have been together for almost 5 years. She lives in Hawaii and I live in California. We clicked instantly and we were able to act like best friends and lovers at the same time. She was just a gorgeous person inside and out, and nobody around her realized that except me. We were so in love, believe me. We're still young, we met as kids and through our whole teen years we were together, and I know some people are gonna say things like "It wasn't real!", "You're too young!" but trust me, it was real. I fell so hard for her. Before I even knew what she looked like I felt something for her. We talked every single day ever since we met, to this day and the only time we don't is when we physically can't. But for the last few weeks or so, she was feeling really depressed because of problems with her parents and school, and she would tell me how badly she needed me and wanted me there to hold her. She told me how she went to dinner with her mom for her birthday and they were acting extremely rude towards her and she was crying on the way there. I was there to comfort her, always. I started worrying that the distance was getting too much to handle for her because she kept bringing it up, and neither of us could fly over to see each other and I told her that we need to wait a few more years before we can move in together and stuff and she would agree. I'm not sure why, but the distance didn't affect me as much. I was just happy she was in my life.

 

This is when the bad stuff started happening. Over spring break, she went over to her dad's house and spent a lot of time with him. Let me just say now I've always been worried about other guys trying to get at her. I get jealous and worried pretty easily and I think it's one of my biggest flaws. So she was with her dad and cousins a lot, and theres a guy who lives in the neighborhood who's always had a thing for her. I knew about him earlier because she was talking to him for a bit, but when I found out she stopped talking to him and blocked him everywhere. I guess a few months later, he texted her saying happy birthday and they started talking again. I don't know why, but I felt in my gut that something was wrong, and I ended up finding out she was cheating on me with him. When I found out, they had only been together for about a week and a half. Let me tell you now, I've never ever experienced something this emotionally painful. She told me she loved him, but wasn't "in love" with him and that she loved me more still. She had a kind of friend love with him.

 

So a few days pass and it's still extremely painful, but we still talked everyday. She was raised pretty religiously and one day she ended up telling me that she was praying asking for help on who it was, me or him. She said in her heart she knew it was me and she said "they say it all comes down to who you think about when you wake up and when you go to sleep" and it was me. That was the point where I should've started no contact. I wish I had known about it sooner because if I did, I would have her by now. I kept talking to her everyday. She always told me that she still loved me and she didn't feel like this with him. She told me she was still in love with me. With him she felt a friend happiness but with me she felt true love. I talked to my friend about this, and she told me that this happened because of our distance. She wanted someone in real life to date and wanted physical attention, also because I'm the only serious boyfriend she's had and she needs to experience things with other guys before she commits to me. Her and her boyfriend are moving ALOT quicker than we did. They started saying i love you within the first week and call each other pet names and stuff. I know he doesn't love her like I do. I know he doesn't love her, he's just excited to be with her and they're just enjoying the rush of the first few months in a new relationship, but even though I know all these things, I'm scared about her feelings for me.

 

Last week, she told me to leave her alone and I did. She saw I was doing better based on social media and came running back, telling me she couldn't lose me and she still missed me. She even tried to tell me her and her boyfriend broke up but I knew they didn't. We started talking again, and I know I shouldn't have. This girl is my weakness. One night we got into an argument because she heard about me and my friend talking about her and my friend was insulting her, and she thought I was **** talking her so she got super mad and told me to never talk to her again, and I didn't respond. Then she texted me again after ignoring her for 2 days. Last night, she was telling me how her boyfriend had a 3 year old sister who was moving away and he was really heartbroken over it. She herself had an older brother who she was separated from and passed away a little while after, so she could relate to his problems and give him advice. She told me that she thinks that God put her "with" him to help him through this because she still thinks that she has a future with me, but she wouldn't say she loved me this time. I went to a party later that night and I got kind of drunk and texted her "i still.." and she replied "hey me too" and I asked if she really did and she said it didn't matter.

 

I'm just confused on her feelings because 2 weeks ago, she acted normal and constantly said she loved me, a week ago she told me she was still in love with me and now she can barely say it at all. I don't know if its making her feel guilty, but I know her boyfriend doesn't love her. She even told me "I'm gonna leave him I promise. But its not time to yet".

They're moving fast, like a middle school relationship and everyones telling me they won't last, but a part of me is scared they will. We were together for so long and we were inseparable, so she must feel something for me right? The fact that she still gets jealous when I talk to other girls and comes back when I ignore her tells me she feels something. And if I have to, I'll leave for a month or two so she has time to experience life without me. They say that if you act the way you did when she fell in love, it'll happen again.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I'm hungover and tired as hell but please, if you have any advice, I'd appreciate it a lot and if you have any other questions let me know. Thanks so much

[seamos]

How old are the two of you?

 

What do you mean you felt something for her before you even knew what she looked like?

 

How did you meet?

 

That doesn't really matter tho, you may love her but she doesn't feel the same about you.

 

If having a social life is important to her then I don't think having a LDR is going to work. You talked as tho it would be years before you could be together.

 

Even if she was really trying to keep the relationship w/ you going (which it doesn't sound like she is) I think it would be about impossible.

 

Sorry, but I think you should let this one go.

[ExpatInItaly]

I didn't see this detail, but have you ever actually met her in person?

[justwhoiam]

Hi Zac,

 

All the previous questions that other posters asked are quite important to understand the whole situation, especially: how did you meet, how old are you both and have you ever met in person?

 

She was just a gorgeous person inside and out, and nobody around her realized that except me

What do you mean by that? Are you implying that her family is dysfunctional, she has no friends and she doesn't excel in school? Always remember that you only ever hear one side of the story, so try to be objective, instead of blindly believe whatever she says.

 

for the last few weeks or so, she was feeling really depressed because of problems with her parents and school

Have you tried to understand what her problems really are? Most teens have problems/disagreements with their parents, and many strive in more than a subject at school. Was she feeling like odd man out?

 

She told me how she went to dinner with her mom for her birthday and they were acting extremely rude towards her and she was crying on the way there.

Your friend's birthday or her mom's birthday? And how were they rude? And why?

 

neither of us could fly over to see each other and I told her that we need to wait a few more years before we can move in together and stuff and she would agree.

How many years is "a few more years"? And how can you even think of living with someone you've never ever met before? Isn't that totally crazy? You need to spend time with her in person before planning something like that. Do you have a job? What do you do?

 

I'm not sure why, but the distance didn't affect me as much. I was just happy she was in my life.

Do you mean you don't have any need of being physically with her? To kiss, hold each other, make out and more?

 

She said in her heart she knew it was me

What's the deal between you two? Should you move to Hawaii permanently? Or would she come to California? Or? If the plan is for her to move to California, I can see how she wants to keep you.

 

she must feel something for me right?

I think it's not fair that either of you plans a future together and commits to the other before meeting in person. You should fly there at least once before making any decision. You can't settle for someone "feeling something". You need someone being head over heels in love with you, otherwise it can barely work, especially with the distance. To her, you need to be worth the wait. Right now, you're not. And I can't blame her, because for now you're sort of a penpal. She might have hopes, while you have expectations. But you can't. You can't ask for commitment before meeting.

 

if you have any advice, I'd appreciate it a lot

I do think you need to first assess how she feels about meeting you. Like, you tell her you are thinking of buying a plane ticket to go see her. If she discourages you from doing so, then let her go. Go no contact and delete her from FB and everything else. If she gets excited at the idea, then give it a chance. You meet her, see how it goes, and then you can talk about expectations and make plans, making sure she wants what you want.

 

If she tells you that timing is not right for her, then let her go. You'll need to detach yourself from her. Because you will need your own experiences with other girls, and you might face issues if she continues to be in your life.

[zacedwards]

Ps: No negative comments please, I know the situation I'm in is bad enough but I need advice.

 

So I was with this girl for almost 5 years. We always seemed connected and understood each other, and were always in sync. It was one of those relationships where you could be best friends and lovers at the same time and we've basically been inseparable for the last 5 years. But we're still young, and we've been together since our early teens. This guy that's always been obsessed with her started to talk to her about 2 months ago, and I found out and we started arguing. I know he was trying to get her to date him and she told me he was like a best friend to her and she loved him, but was not in love with him. I got mad and I left for a while and she begged me to stay. I was gone for a while and once I came back they started dating. They rushed into things extremely fast though, they started saying I love you at most in the first week, it could've been in the first few days. We've been talking on and off for the last few weeks. She always tells me that she still loves me, still stalks me on social media, gets jealous when she sees that I talk to other girls etc. I still love her and it hurts to see her with another guy, but she's been iffy about breaking up with him. He's having some family issues, and I think she thinks right now is a bad time to leave him but I'm not sure. She was telling me yesterday that she can't fall in love with him unless she falls out of love with me, and she made it clear that she was still in love with me. She seems stuck because she knows he's falling for her but she still loves me and doesn't know how to break up with him. My friends have told me to wait until they break up because they seem like they won't last because they rushed into things as you would do in a middle school type relationship. She also says she's happy, but that our relationship was better in a lot of ways and I know that no relationship of hers can compare to ours. I definitely do not want to sabotage their relationship, even though I have the evidence to. I want to win her back fair and square, but I just don't know how to convince her to take the leap and break up with him. Any advice would be helpful and if you need any other details let me know. Thanks!

[TaraMaiden2]

Goddammit, if I had a pound for every "we were young, been together XX years, first love she's strayed" thread we've seen round here, I could buy a 60' ocean-going yacht and retire sailing round the world.

 

Ok, in which case, I apologise in advance, but I'll be blunt.

 

She's with him because she's moved on from you maturity-wise.

She's not coming back, and you can't win her back.

her 'love' for you is fuelled mostly by a mix of habit and guilt.

 

You need to read the NC Guide (link in my sig) and implement it, because as things stand, your buddies are doing you no favours, and this is dead in the water.

It's over, and you're just prolonging the agony by maintaining a connection with her.

 

It's time you moved on.

[Marc878]

She's with him not you. She made that choice.

 

If you're smart you go completely dark and move on.

 

All she's doing at the moment is dropping you breadcrumbs.

[Satu]

Snip

*Ps: No negative comments please, I know the situation I'm in is bad enough but I need advice.

 

 

*As long as people stay within the rules of this forum, they are free to respond as they see fit.

 

To be blunt:

 

She's where she wants to be, with the person she wants to be with.

 

Here's something from my journal, which you might perceive as being 'negative':

 

 

"There is nothing you can do to make her come back, if she doesn't of her own free will, want to.

 

Not long letters of apology.

Not tears.

Not begging and pleading.

Not buying her 12 dozen roses.

Not 'fighting for the relationship.'

Not writing poems.

Etc...

 

Leave her totally alone.

 

It is *possible* that she'll miss you and will want you back.

 

But it is *probable* that she won't.

 

Do nothing.

 

No contact."

 

 

These are the stages of grief:

 

 

Denial

 

Anger

 

Bargaining

 

Depression

 

Acceptance

 

 

Unsurprisingly, you are in the denial phase.

 

Its normal and to be expected.

 

Let her go, insomuch as you can.

 

 

Take care, and be good to yourself.

[SomethingToSay]

People stay in the relationship they want to be in. You can say she isnt happy, or whatever else to help nurse your wounds, but ultimately she is where she wants to be -- for whatever reason. You should stop focusing on how to win her back and just focus on yourself. In fact, giving her attention and wooing her will almost guarantee she wont come back. She will have more respect for you and probably more desire for you if you go NC and show youve moved on. Right now I think she probably is enjoying having 2 men pining for her. Take yourself out of the race is the only true way to win.

[Cherryz]

How old are you guys?

Either way its clear she moved on.

 

And keep say those stuff to you to not hurt you.

 

I dont think she is a good girl for you. Move on. And stop talking to her.

[loveisanaction]

The guy who was obsessing over your girlfriend did something you are not doing...he never tried to steal her away from you; he waited until YOU walked away then he made his move.

 

You may have had the greatest connection with her since the invention of electricity but the fact still remains your ex-girlfriend now has a boyfriend and you must respect that.

 

It's time to move on. If she comes back (of her own accord and without you interfering) then you'll start again, if not...life goes on.

 

Remember, you didn't like it when that guy was obsessing over your girlfriend yet here you are on a forum asking for advice on how to win (steal) her back...

 

Do onto others.....

[Buddhist]

Girls are not trophies and possessions to be won. There's a starting point.

[noelle303]

Girls are not trophies and possessions to be won. There's a starting point.

 

Exactly. She isn't a gadget someone stole from you and now you have to conquer it back.

 

She is a person with her own autonomy and she will make a choice about who she wants to be with. It may be the wrong choice - but it's still only hers to make.

 

I would advise you to move on with your life, if in the future you two are both single and want to have another try at a relationship then go for it. As of now, she is making a choice to be with someone else every day.

[zacedwards]

Hi everyone, I'm stuck in a situation where I really don't know what to do. So my ex and I broke up 2 months ago and it was a pretty bad breakup. She started dating this new guy immediately after and they've been together for 2 months as well. We've had our arguments but we've been talking a little more now and we get along okay, but theres still a lot of feelings involved. She tells me a lot about her ex, not necessarily good things, and I know it's nothing compared to our relationship and I understand that she'll be with whoever she wants to be with, but at the end of the day we still have that connection and we're like best friends. BUT I also have attempted no contact, and I could get in usually about 3 days until she would freak out and try to contact me in every way possible and I couldn't resist not talking to her, and after a few days I already felt a bit better, but she keeps coming back. I've tried blocking her but there's ALWAYS a way she finds, so because of that I've never really completed it, but I always have wanted to, for myself AND to maybe get her to realize I'm better than this other guy.

 

That's where the vacation comes in. I'm going on a cruise to Europe for about 3 weeks with my family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. My parents have been hyping it for a while but after my breakup I've been dreading it and I know I shouldn't. I want to be able to enjoy it as much as I can with my family, but I know I will miss my ex a lot. I won't have many chances to talk to her since its overseas and the internet on board is really ****ty, and when we stop at docks I won't be able to talk to her for long, only a few messages or so. The thing I'm worried about is that she'll start telling her boyfriend all the things she tells me, about her life and problems etc and grow closer to him. This is bothering me because I really want to enjoy this cruise and this is going to be the first real no contact I've had with her, which is scary because I'm afraid that I'm using it too late. I know it's about me, but it's about her too and slowly trying to make her really want to get back together with me. I'm just the kind of person who worries really easily, I don't know if its anxiety or something but I also feel like I'm making things more complicated than I should, and I could really use some advice and kind words or inspiration or tips, anything. Thanks a lot and I hope to hear back.

[basil67]

Here's the thing about being out of contact: If she gets over you quickly, then there's no love lost. Or she may find that she really misses you and it could prompt her to make a decision.

 

Personally, I'd be pushing No Contact harder than you are. Enforce your boundaries. Only a girlfriend should get the intimate love and support you are giving - and if she's not willing to be your girlfriend, then she can suck it up.

 

Thing is, she's currently got the best of both worlds. A shiny new boyfriend and a sucker for her to lean on.

[zacedwards]

yeah, you're right. thank you

[Satu]

Let her go.

 

She isn't as special as you think.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[whatnot]

She tells me a lot about her ex, not necessarily good things, and I know it's nothing compared to our relationship

 

This is a recurring theme in your writing. "He doesn't love her like I do". "Our relationship was better than theirs..." (paraphrasing)

 

It was what it was but now it is what it is. And what your relationship with her now is different than it was .

 

The relationship you two had with one another pre other boyfriend is dead, gone, kaput, history.

 

Even though it's the same girl...it's not the same relationship with the same girl.

 

You two are now in a relationship in relation to her relationship with her current boyfriend [/i].

 

Somthing tells me that you sense on some level that if you walk...Their relationship may end. And you wanna be there when it does. Trouble is, you gotta walk for it to happen (if it ever does). (Personally, as crazy as she gets at the thought of "loosing"you...i believe she's the same with him about you as she is with you about him).

 

And...i agree. I believe if you walk, she'll be different with him to the point of a break up (just speculation...but, an educated guess nonetheless).

 

Thats what is called is a "delimna".

 

Delimnas stay until one idea is discarded and the other idea embraced.

 

You don't get both.

 

If ya like what ya gat, stay. If ya don't, walk. Those are the two options one has in your delimna.

 

You don't pass go. You don't collect 200. You don't get a "get outta jail free" card.

 

 

Take care

 

(And make your mind up to enjoy that vacation)

[bummer]

$50 says if you try hard to act like yourself and be happy you'll find some cute girl on your three week cruise by day three.

 

Your ex is your ex is your ex is your ex. Move on, dude.

[Marc878]

She's not your friend. Friend = trusting, honest , loyal. Get it

 

You are keeping yourself in limbo for what. Her plan B.

 

She told you and showed you who she is.

 

No contact is your best friend.

 

Quit wasting time on this. You'll starve living on breadcrumbs.

[VeveCakes]

She prays to God to help her choose who to pick? Like she was cheating on you and asking for which direction to go.... I'm not religious at all by Jesus - I think she is missing something about her practice of faith here.

 

Either way this was long distance and not real. I can't blame her, she's using you as an emotional shoulder when she needs you. The boyfriend is the real life one she has and when he's gone you will replace him until another one comes along. Sorry to be harsh but these long distance relationships where neither person can afford to visit each other are just time wasting shams.