Why can't daters be honest with each other when rejecting someone?

May 14, 2016

Over the years I have been dating I have noticed that there are generally three ways to be rejected after a first or second date. Firstly there is being told directly, usually through a text that they did not think there was a romantic connection. Secondly there is being completely ignored. Finally there is what I term the "messed around" rejection in which they flake on a date they initially agreed to and follow this up by completely ignoring you. Reading a few threads it seems this sort of rejection is reasonably common and that both men and women are guilty of it.

Typically the messed around rejection goes like this:

You go on a date that seems to go reasonably well. At the end of the date they indicate they would like to meet up again.
You call or text them asking them out for another date. They appear receptive to the idea and agree to meet up again. Crucially however their response is a bit ambiguous. For example, they will say something like: "Yes Wednesday sounds great to meet up, however I will have to confirm that I am free, I will get back to you".
They never get back to you confirming whether the date is on, leaving you to call or text them again asking if the date is happening. They reply saying they can no longer make the date for whatever reason and suggest meeting up later, however they do not set any date.
They never get back to you with a new time for the date. If you call them or text them suggesting to meet up, your calls or texts go unreturned. Game over.

Of course not all of this type of rejection will go exactly like this. Sometimes they might string it out and reschedule the date only to flake a second or even a third time. Or they may continue texting you after they flaked.

What is so annoying with this sort of rejection is that you stuck in limbo for a week or so wondering whether the date will happen or not. It is both dishonest and cowardly. Receiving a text in which they say they felt no romantic connection might be painful to hear, but at least it makes it very clear what is happening between the two of you. Even with being ghosted, while it may be cowardly, at least it is not being dishonest and after a day or so of not hearing from them, it is obvious that you will not be seeing them again.

Why can't people just be honest with others if they do not feel like dating them anymore. Seriously how hard can it be to send a "sorry I did not feel any spark" text. What exactly do people have to gain by appearing to be interested and then flaking?

May 14, 2016

Sending a text immediately saying there is no romantic connection is a bit final, so some like to keep the plates spinning for a little while, so they can pick them up later if they need to, with an excuse - Sorry I am just really busy just now, I have been ill, my phone died, I had to go out of the country for business...

Some just do not see the need to say anything, they use silence to say it for them.

Some want to avoid conflict and an argument, "What do you mean you don't want to go on any more dates???? I'm perfect for you'"

May 14, 2016

Sending a text immediately saying there is no romantic connection is a bit final

I agree sending a text saying there was no connection immediately after the date is a bit too final, it comes of as rejecting someone for the sake of it. However if someone attempts to set up another date then I think it is best to tell them directly in a text that they do not fancy going on another date, say after a couple of hours.

May 14, 2016

Because:

People are cowards.

It's uncomfortable rejecting someone.

Many times the other person wants to talk you into NOT rejecting them and it turns ugly.

I agree we should all be able to be honest but sometimes it's easier to just avoid the whole talk.

May 14, 2016

Because:
People are cowards.
It's uncomfortable rejecting someone.
Many times the other person wants to talk you into NOT rejecting them and it turns ugly.

Yeah, I mean...I don't know how many people have tried to outright be honest with someone, but with the time spent being on the few dates with the one party thinking it's going superb, while the other just outright ghosts for no reason...there's more to it to them when it comes to going silent.

Usually it's because it's some silly reason they don't want to have to wind up discussing.

Basically, if the reason for being ghosted/dumped is a stupid one, they know it is and if they know if they actually say something to the person they dumped, they know the person will say, "What? You're dumping me because of that?!"

Reason I bring this up, because some things DID come to light when the person being dumped found OUT the reason. We knew this guy in his mid 50s, was seeing this woman for a time... same age.

He showed up by himself to one of our events and someone asked her whereabouts.

He said, "Another man that was a former fling came into town, and she's seeing where that goes."

He was even from another country, although sadly she was local to him.

That was kind of messed up and flighty on her part.

I think the dumper is in a quandry and the common theme with them is sometimes they don't know what the heck they want, so they are in constant transition trying to figure out who to settle down with.

May 14, 2016

Sending a text immediately saying there is no romantic connection is a bit final, so some like to keep the plates spinning for a little while, so they can pick them up later if they need to, with an excuse - Sorry I am just really busy just now, I have been ill, my phone died, I had to go out of the country for business...
Some just do not see the need to say anything, they use silence to say it for them.
Some want to avoid conflict and an argument, "What do you mean you don't want to go on any more dates???? I'm perfect for you'"

Online dating and women I know personally do this to me all the time.

With online you can just take that to mean it's time to look at the other online options.

With people you know personally you just act like it never happened so you don't look butthurt around them.

For both situations i've had some women change their mind (or run out of decent options:lmao:) contact me out of the blue.

I'm a direct type of guy & don't play THEIR games or waste my time chatting with women who don't want to go on a date.

When women from online contact me i'll chat a little then pointedly ask them what they want.

They either tell me "to date" or some other passive bs so they don't look like their reaching out to me.

I make it clear i wasn't impressed by past behavior but if they ask nicely i'll give them a second chance. i'm not that blunt of course.

I tease them a little and play around a bit but i make sure they know this asap.

very rarely do they contact me looking for just attention.

Now, women i know personally, i'm even more direct with because i've made it clear what I want & until they want the same thing they are friendzoned.

If i've slept with them in the past or done anything sexual their only option is dinner at my place. period.

I've had women like this get me out or to their place knowing full well what I want(again) only to basically shut me down after I get so far with them sexually (bonar time) then get "busy" again when I go for another date.

Screw that noise.

So they come to me now. women who have done things with me sexually or wasted my time before & are serious about getting with me have ZERO problem coming to my place for dinner.

Time wasters are "busy".

If nothing has happened between us sexually I make it clear it is a date & there won't be a second if there is no kiss at the end so they better bring their A game so I'll want to kiss them.

Essentially, once a woman backburner's me and comes back she needs to put in work to get & keep my attention because i'm not going to chase a woman who made me her 2nd,3rd,or 4th choice.

yeah i'm kind of a dick. but i'm also fairly happy & frustration free when it comes to dating.

Of course it isn't THAT easy when you meet a woman you actually like & she does this but you gotta just learn to stop giving them time and energy until they are worth it.

women do in fact know this so by not giving them your time & energy (chasing) when they are not interested, they will actually respect you more and may change their mind.

Especially if you get in shape, new job or they see you with other women.

May 14, 2016

I see both sides, everybody wants to have it told to them upfront and then they can adjust and go from there but when they aren't certain and haven't the pre-built boundaries that some do they think they should contact one more time or what if...

then on the other side I have heard a ton of times that women do this because the the most common reaction they get from men for being honest is to be called names in a reply email.. who wants that... so they go silent hoping the guy will get the hint...

May 14, 2016

Oh boy! - I can really identify with this when I was first divorced and dating.

I had many nice dates, nothing special, usually coffee & chat. We seemed to get on well. Sometimes at the end of the date the guy (who I was really interested in) would say how much he'd enjoyed meeting with me and that he would give me a call to arrange another date.

Despite, possible times, dates venues being discussed the result = nada, zilch, rien, nothing. Complete radio silence from these guys.

Sometimes I was asked for another date by a guy who was pleasant but no great shakes, no spark etc. So I turned them down nicely. I told them that I had enjoyed chatting with them but really, from my point of view I didn't think we had enough in common to take things further as a couple. I thanked them for meeting up and wished them well.

So I was honest.

IMO guys are just cowards when it comes to OLD

May 14, 2016

IMO the people that do this are ambivalent about the person, and want to leave the door open until they get more clarity and realize they do want to date that person, or not.

Announcing they are not interested shuts that door and leaves no room for them to gain that clarity, or if they were not that interested after the first date, change their minds and come back later.

May 14, 2016

Online dating and women I know personally do this to me all the time.
With online you can just take that to mean it's time to look at the other online options.

With people you know personally you just act like it never happened so you don't look butthurt around them.

For both situations i've had some women change their mind (or run out of decent options:lmao:) contact me out of the blue.

I'm a direct type of guy & don't play THEIR games or waste my time chatting with women who don't want to go on a date.

When women from online contact me i'll chat a little then pointedly ask them what they want.

They either tell me "to date" or some other passive bs so they don't look like their reaching out to me.
I make it clear i wasn't impressed by past behavior but if they ask nicely i'll give them a second chance. i'm not that blunt of course.
I tease them a little and play around a bit but i make sure they know this asap.

very rarely do they contact me looking for just attention.

Now, women i know personally, i'm even more direct with because i've made it clear what I want & until they want the same thing they are friendzoned.

If i've slept with them in the past or done anything sexual their only option is dinner at my place. period.

I've had women like this get me out or to their place knowing full well what I want(again) only to basically shut me down after I get so far with them sexually (bonar time) then get "busy" again when I go for another date.
Screw that noise.

So they come to me now. women who have done things with me sexually or wasted my time before & are serious about getting with me have ZERO problem coming to my place for dinner.

Time wasters are "busy".

If nothing has happened between us sexually I make it clear it is a date & there won't be a second if there is no kiss at the end so they better bring their A game so I'll want to kiss them.

Essentially, once a woman backburner's me and comes back she needs to put in work to get & keep my attention because i'm not going to chase a woman who made me her 2nd,3rd,or 4th choice.

yeah i'm kind of a dick. but i'm also fairly happy & frustration free when it comes to dating.
Of course it isn't THAT easy when you meet a woman you actually like & she does this but you gotta just learn to stop giving them time and energy until they are worth it.

women do in fact know this so by not giving them your time & energy (chasing) when they are not interested, they will actually respect you more and may change their mind.
Especially if you get in shape, new job or they see you with other women.

My guess is that you are single. It's a pretty defeatist mentality to play the numbers game rather than go for quality - if you want a relationship.

May 14, 2016

Yeah, I mean...I don't know how many people have tried to outright be honest with someone, but with the time spent being on the few dates with the one party thinking it's going superb, while the other just outright ghosts for no reason...there's more to it to them when it comes to going silent.

Usually it's because it's some silly reason they don't want to have to wind up discussing.

Basically, if the reason for being ghosted/dumped is a stupid one, they know it is and if they know if they actually say something to the person they dumped, they know the person will say, "What? You're dumping me because of that?!"

Reason I bring this up, because some things DID come to light when the person being dumped found OUT the reason. We knew this guy in his mid 50s, was seeing this woman for a time... same age.

He showed up by himself to one of our events and someone asked her whereabouts.

He said, "Another man that was a former fling came into town, and she's seeing where that goes."

He was even from another country, although sadly she was local to him.

That was kind of messed up and flighty on her part.

I think the dumper is in a quandry and the common theme with them is sometimes they don't know what the heck they want, so they are in constant transition trying to figure out who to settle down with.

I don't understand the relevance of this rambling post.

May 14, 2016

I see both sides, everybody wants to have it told to them upfront and then they can adjust and go from there but when they aren't certain and haven't the pre-built boundaries that some do they think they should contact one more time or what if...

then on the other side I have heard a ton of times that women do this because the the most common reaction they get from men for being honest is to be called names in a reply email.. who wants that... so they go silent hoping the guy will get the hint...

And this is it really.

Most men wont take no for an answer or take rejection gracefully.

So a woman just goes silent to avoid unpleasantness.

If you as a guy can't take her silence of avoidance as a clear sign of disinterest then you are possibly one of those guys who doesn't take no for an answer or takes rejection badly.

May 14, 2016

I see both sides, everybody wants to have it told to them upfront and then they can adjust and go from there but when they aren't certain and haven't the pre-built boundaries that some do they think they should contact one more time or what if...

then on the other side I have heard a ton of times that women do this because the the most common reaction they get from men for being honest is to be called names in a reply email.. who wants that... so they go silent hoping the guy will get the hint...

I have heard this is a common justification for this sort of behaviour. However does ghosting or initially agreeing to a second or third date then flaking actually prevent the dumper from receiving these sort of nasty text messages or e-mails from the dumpee. The dumpee could get angry for ghosting on them or call them out for flaking on them.

May 14, 2016

My guess is that you are single. It's a pretty defeatist mentality to play the numbers game rather than go for quality - if you want a relationship.

The dating landscape is FAR FAR different than when I was dating & married 10-15yrs ago.

There was no social media then.

Women did not have a constant stream of options contacting them daily through their phone.

You had to find people in person to date.

These days it is a numbers game.

Women have so many options that the next new shiny object is hitting her up while you are trying to figure out if she is "quality" so you need to go after as many women as possible in order to find one whose attention you can keep long enough to get a chance to even see if you like her.

telling a man today to "go for quality vs quantity" makes you sound disingenuous at best and just plain clueless at worst.

Are you single?

If not how long have you been in a relationship?

As a woman dating today you're biggest problem is to decide which of the multitudes of men giving you attention to go out on a date with.

It is VERY much different for men these days.

May 14, 2016

I understand not wanting to be upfront in person or over the phone. As that may turn into an uncomfortable situation. BUT text messaging? Email? You cant be straight forward over those two? Some people are too cowardly.

May 14, 2016

However if someone attempts to set up another date then I think it is best to tell them directly in a text that they do not fancy going on another date, say after a couple of hours.

I agree that's a good idea, and good phrasing. Maybe some people need the phrasing and can borrow that.

There should be a "get out of another date free" card that you can cash in without getting any nasty responses.

As for being honest, I don't think that's advisable if the honest answer is, "The thought of kissing you makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth."

May 14, 2016

I agree that's a good idea, and good phrasing. Maybe some people need the phrasing and can borrow that.

There should be a "get out of another date free" card that you can cash in without getting any nasty responses.

----

**As for being honest, I don't think that's advisable if the honest answer is, "The thought of kissing you makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth."

LOL, I know, right?

Maybe just stick with it's nicer sidekick "it was nice meeting, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further. Best of luck!"

That's honest too.

May 14, 2016

LOL, I know, right?

Maybe just stick with it's nicer sidekick "it was nice meeting, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further. Best of luck!"

That's honest too.

It is honest. But it can also evoke a response about the silliness of "chemistry". Can't win!

I really feel there's a need for this, slightly altered.

Edited May 14, 2016 by xxoo

May 14, 2016

I agree that's a good idea, and good phrasing. Maybe some people need the phrasing and can borrow that.

There should be a "get out of another date free" card that you can cash in without getting any nasty responses.

As for being honest, I don't think that's advisable if the honest answer is, "The thought of kissing you makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth."

But i've seen women's phones when they told a guy they wern't interested and he responds with the typical "your loss" then keeps texting her about how horrible she is for leading him on or other crap.

I've also seen where a woman ignored a guy who asked her out for a drink over text & when she didn't respond told her "fine, ignore me" or some other butthurtedness and then keep texting angrily after the woman finally tells him she isn't interested.

I get it and why i do find it annoying having to wait a day to find out a woman isn't interested i don't stop my dating activity waiting to see.

That's dumb.

I keep looking exploring more options.

May 14, 2016

It is honest. But it can also evoke a response about the silliness of "chemistry". Can't win!

.

Do what I do.

Say it in a text, then block and delete!

Done! Let him think what he wants, who cares?

If he decides to bombard you with nasty texts afterwards, you won't get them as he is blocked!

Easy peasey!

May 14, 2016

LOL, I know, right?

Maybe just stick with it's nicer sidekick "it was nice meeting, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further. Best of luck!"

That's honest too.

When a woman does do this guess what?

I already knew when I left the date.

May 14, 2016

When a woman does do this guess what?
I already knew when I left the date.

I only do it if he contacts me again...asking me out.

Yeah sometimes it is just obvious there was no chemistry.

In that case, nothing needs to be said.

It is only for when the other person continues to contact you, then IMO it's common courtesy to tell them you're not feeling it. So they are not left wondering.

Then block.

May 14, 2016

When I was dating the majority of guys would ask me out for a second date at the end of the first date, like "How about seeing a movie with me tomorrow night?" What ever happened to men with confidence????

Of course I gave them a yes or no in a graceful way, that was easy enough.

May 14, 2016

Maybe say no with a GIF?

http://gifsb.in/no/polite.gif

May 14, 2016

Despite, possible times, dates venues being discussed the result = nada, zilch, rien, nothing. Complete radio silence from these guys.

It would kind of baffle me that men do this to women because men are the ones doing the pursuing, but I guess even men do it on occasion.

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Why can't daters be honest with each other when rejecting someone?

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