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My boyfriend says he doesnt know if he loves me anymore :(

Poddingtonpea

By Poddingtonpea
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and i thought that this was it. The one, my soul mate, the man id spend the rest of my life with.

Our relationship has been pretty good and we've both been happy up until recently when we've started to bicker and argue. Not arguements that have led to us breaking up but just small things that seem pointless. I always thought that no matter what we went through, he'd always love me and wouldn't leave because thats exactly what he has said!

We have recently moved in with each other, he has come to live with me in my place, and i thought it was all going great (i must add i have a son of 6 that lives with us aswell) this is the first time he has lived with a partner and he was alone for a long time before meeting me so is used to his own space and doing his own thing. Over the last couple of weeks i have been making extra effort to show him how madly in love i am with him. Doing small romantic gesters like hiding love letters in his lunch bag etc. I think i then came to realise that all these things i was doing were pretty much going unnoticed and he didn't really have much to say about any of it.

Yesterday he txt me saying he is sorry for being moody the last week and he just cant snap out of it. He continued to say he is not happy at the moment and he doesnt know why. Eventually after a long chat he kind of, without directly saying it, said that he wasnt happy in the relationship and wasnt sure whether he wanted to be with me anymore and wondered if he is starting to fall out of love with me and thats why he feels so unhappy and down. But he then followed that by say he does lobe me and he will always love me and he will never want to see me go without and he wants to help me with my son etc. He was going back home for 2 weeks to cat sit for his brother and said he was going to use that time to think and see if he could get passed the way he was feeling and see if being away from me made him realise that he wants to be with me and still loves me.

Im just finding it all very hard to process as its come completely out of nowhere! How can someone say they will never love anyone like they love you and without you they wouldn't know what to do with themselves to being so confused and unhappy that they don't know whether they want to be in the relationship or if they are even still in love within the space of a week?

We have been talking about buying a place together and me talking about the fact that i obviously want to marry him one day and he said that maybe that has something to do with it all because talking about it made him suddenly realise how serious it all was and he's not sure if he wants to do those things because he isnt sure he sees me in his future.

Is this just commitment issues? Is he having cold feet about what weve been talking about for our future? Is he bored with our daily routine we now have and is confusing it with falling out of love?

There is also another issue that he has been dealing with which is a sex based thing that he has been struggling with for most of his life. He thinks he may be asexual so we do not have sex very often because he doesnt want it but now he is feeling like this he is wondering whether that problem is linked to the fact that maybe he just doesnt want sex because he isnt in love with me.

Im so confused and hurt :( this is the first night we've spent away from each other in a very long time and im so worried that he is going to go away and think and never come back! Please any advise would be great. I hate this feeling :(

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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He is going to walk away & never come back. But that is OK.

 

 

When you moved in this became real to him especially your 6 year old. He freaked. It changed his world view & he is now running. Sorry.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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It's never "just" commitment issues, in the sense that those types of problems are not minor ones. They tend to be deeply-rooted and difficult to overcome. And they often don't surface until a bigger commitment is looming or already in place (ie. living with you and your child) which triggers them.

 

It's impossible to say whether he will come back or not. But what you do need to do is reflect on what this says about him.Do you want to trust your heart (and you son's) with someone who backs away when the idea of settling down is introduced? If he were to come back, I guarantee you would not feel very secure in the relationship.

 

You say he has never lived with a partner before - can I ask how old he is? Also, you say the sex has been sparse. Has he always been like this? How often were you two getting intimate before?

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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He does love you because you seem like a really nice lady but he isn't in love with you and maybe he thinks that is why he doesn't want to have sex with you. Also he may have decided that a woman with a child is not who he wants to settle down with. I'm sorry you are hurt. Go no contact and if it's meant to be he will contact you. Don't contact him because chasing never works in situations like this.

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Stasiman Member

Stasiman

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I found it very difficult when I first moved in with my ex partner. I moved into her place and it was very hard as I had no space of my own and the pressure seemed immense.

 

I said exactly the same thing to my ex gf after we had a break. I wasnt really sure how I felt and was being 100% honest with her. I needed time and space to see how things went, she didnt give it to me and we ended up arguing again and I eventually left. I have no doubt in my mind that I did still love her then but was struggling to cope with things and just needed a bit of space. When I didnt get the space I needed I knew it was over.

 

The point is you should give him space. I know this is hard with you living together but just take a back seat as much as you can. Dont be weird or ignore him or anything but just give him the time and space he needs and dont put pressure on him. Dont get upset and start questioning him on everything because that will push him away.

 

When people are not sure if they love someone anymore in general they still do (because you know when you dont love a person anymore) and feel under pressure. As well meaning as your romantic gestures are they have probably forced him into feeling under pressure. He obviously just needs some time to adapt

 

Hang in there.

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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It's never "just" commitment issues, in the sense that those types of problems are not minor ones. They tend to be deeply-rooted and difficult to overcome. And they often don't surface until a bigger commitment is looming or already in place (ie. living with you and your child) which triggers them.

 

It's impossible to say whether he will come back or not. But what you do need to do is reflect on what this says about him.Do you want to trust your heart (and you son's) with someone who backs away when the idea of settling down is introduced? If he were to come back, I guarantee you would not feel very secure in the relationship.

 

You say he has never lived with a partner before - can I ask how old he is? Also, you say the sex has been sparse. Has he always been like this? How often were you two getting intimate before?

 

He is 32 this year i am 29. And yes it has been a problem his had all his life with all the girls he has dated. We are not sexually intimate very much at all and never have been but definitely more so im the beginning but he was honest with me about that side of things from the start so i chose to accept him like that because asexuals such as gay or lesbians can not choose who they are sexually attracted to.

Steven1 Established Member

Steven1

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It was a similar situation with me and my now ex, she said her feelings changed for me once she had moved to this country and started Uni here etc as it was a big change for her. I suspect your boyfriend is going through the same thing. Moving in with you and your kid especially has been a big change for him, he will not be used to it and it's suddenly becoming very real to him that he probably isn't read for this step yet or even for a relationship that has serious commitment.

 

Like you I was trying extra hard to impress/please my ex, but I often though, she loved me before I was doing any of this, why am I having to try harder and harder every day, only for it to go unnoticed? I think once you find yourself trying to convince someone TO LOVE YOU, the writing is on the wall sadly.

 

The asexual thing is a load of rubbish imo. My ex said EXACTLY the same thing to me, she now has another boyfriend! My ex said she didn't want to do anything or be with anyone for a while..eventually came clean and said she had been speaking to someone for a while. So I wouldn't believe that one for a second imo.

 

If you want to make it try you could see if he wants to go back to how it was until he feels ready, but sadly I think that now he has seen what it will be like in a serious relationship living with one another, he will cut and run.

 

Best thing you can do is to start to move on now imo, the right person will come a long.

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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He does love you because you seem like a really nice lady but he isn't in love with you and maybe he thinks that is why he doesn't want to have sex with you. Also he may have decided that a woman with a child is not who he wants to settle down with. I'm sorry you are hurt. Go no contact and if it's meant to be he will contact you. Don't contact him because chasing never works in situations like this.

 

I have said to him that we should have no contact over the next couple of weeks whilst he is away but he kinda tried to make a point of still wanting to help me out with my son etc whilst im at work but i said no its not a good idea id rather not see him at all. He said he does want to be with me he just needs some time and space. Its just so hard as all his stuff is still here and i just feel like i need to start grieving now if his gunna leave not drag it out for him to still not be happy.

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brothers343 Established Member

brothers343

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You have been with this person for 2 years and now he feels it's getting serious......what a joke. The only 2 people you should worry about it's you and your child. Let him go so he can wonder through life being alone. On the other hand, you sound like a very nice person. It will not be hard for you to find someone that loves you and your child and knows and understands what true commitment is. Good luck.

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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Thank you that is very sweet. I think i probably do need to just accept that somethings wrong and if he wanted to fix it he'd be here working through it or at least talkong to me about it instead of avoiding it and hoping the feeling will pass. I honestly think he loves me because i am a big chunk of his life and ive been his everything and rock over the last 2 years and we had a lot of fun and great memories along the way. I think he will always hold some sort of love for me but i think he is relating his unhappiness and being down to our relationship and assuming that because he's unhappy and having a rough time it must mean he isnt happy with me and he is distancing himself which in turn is obviously going to change his feelings towards me. I am just in complete shock because he has always reassured me that he couldnt live without me and how much he loves me etc. It has come completely out of nowhere

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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So a bit of an update. He came back whilst i was at work on Saturday to get his phone charger but he didnt take anything else. All his stuff is still here. I havent heard from him at all apart from once when i asked him if we were over and it took him all day reply saying "no i don't want that at all i just need some time to think like i said"

I honestly don't know what to do. He hasnt txt or called at all and he hasnt answered and of my messages. Half of me thinks he'll be back because everything he owns is here so why would he leave it, but the other half thinks he hasnt contacted me at all so i know he isnt coming back. What do i do? :( do i start to move on assuming he has made his mind up or do i wait for the next week as he was supposed to be coming home next monday. Im so lost i have no idea whats going on :(

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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Poddingtonpea,

I am sorry you are kin this situation.

 

What your bf is doing is emotionally abusing you by keeping you dangling. This is nasty and hurtful.

However, because he isn't suffering any consequences for his cruel behaviour then he keeps on doing it.

 

So you need to shut this down, be strong and take control of the situation.

 

So make the decision to move on.

 

Pack all his stuff up ready for when he comes and tell him to take it and go. Then change the locks and block any further communication.

 

If he doesn't come back then you send one more text telling him that you're done and his stuff is ready boxed for him to collect. Tell him if he doesn't come for it, it's going to the charity shop/sold on e-bay whatever. Then don't send any more texts or contact him again.

 

You will lose the relationship but you will regain your self-respect.

 

And - you can do this.

 

Good luck x

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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Oh scrap that, ive just had a txt saying "ive not been able to sleep all weekend :("

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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So a bit of an update. He came back whilst i was at work on Saturday to get his phone charger but he didnt take anything else. All his stuff is still here. I havent heard from him at all apart from once when i asked him if we were over and it took him all day reply saying "no i don't want that at all i just need some time to think like i said"

I honestly don't know what to do. He hasnt txt or called at all and he hasnt answered and of my messages. Half of me thinks he'll be back because everything he owns is here so why would he leave it, but the other half thinks he hasnt contacted me at all so i know he isnt coming back. What do i do? :( do i start to move on assuming he has made his mind up or do i wait for the next week as he was supposed to be coming home next monday. Im so lost i have no idea whats going on :(

 

For now, don't reach out to him again. No texts, no calls. Go silent. Not to manipulate him into coming back, but to gain some clarity for yourself. Ask yourself what you really want moving forward. Take care of yourself.

 

If next Monday rolls around, and you've heard nothing, let him know what while you understand the need for space, this cannot go on indefinitely. Designate a date for him to come and retrieve his things (preferably when you're at work, if you're okay with him being in the house while you're not there - seeing him packing up will be too painful) Make it clear that seeing reminders of him everywhere is hurtful to you and it is best that they are taken out of your home. Heck, you could even chuck some of them in a box to get them out of your line of vision. I did the same when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We'd lived together around 6.5 years and while I couldn't exactly pack up our shared furniture, I did place all his clothes and other personal items in garbage bags and told him they were all in the basement for him to retrieve.

 

It's hard to predict what he will do. He's clearly struggling with the idea of commitment. If he is gone for good, remind yourself that while it will hurt for a good chunk of time, ultimately it's better that someone who cannot be consistently there for you is not your or your child's life. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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Pp,

 

Oh scrap that, ive just had a txt saying "ive not been able to sleep all weekend

 

Oh the poor sad sausage :rolleyes: he's suffering and playing the martyr.

 

What does he think it's doing to you ffs?

 

It seems to be it's all about him.

 

So, my advice still stands.

 

Ignore his attempts to get you to feel sorry for him and start packing his stuff.

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Els Established Member

Els

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IMO moving in together is one of those 'make or break' milestones for a couple. You learn so much more about what it's like to live with a partner, and it just doesn't work out for some people. He probably had a different (and perhaps unrealistic) idea of what it would be like to live with you and your 6 yo son, so he wasn't able to adapt to the reality of it especially given that he has never lived with anyone before.

 

I think you should try to move on. If you want a future with him (living together/marriage etc) and he's reacting negatively after having lived with you for such a short time, he clearly isn't the right guy for you.

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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I've had a few txt over the last couple of days. First day beong him feeling sorry for himself and last night he said his mum was on her way round to chat because she had heard what was going. Apparently its made him feel better and not so lonely having company, even if it was just his mum. He said its the first night he has been drinkong and not eating and managed to get some sleep

I said before he makes any decisions, I wanted to let him know whilst we're apart i dont wanna get used to be on my own again and then he come ball dozing back in and nothing changes. If he comes back, i want commitment and stability and not him running away and not talking to me when things get hard. I want a serious commited relationship which will one day lead to marriage and a house etc and if he's certain he's never going to want that then id rather its all said now because i dont need to go through this heart break again. To which he answered - i kmow ive been thinking about all of that stuff.

Ive given him til the end of the day to inform me of what exactly is going on because i still have no idea!

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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If he doesnt then ive said I'll have no choice but to start getting on with my life without him.

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anitahayles New Member

anitahayles

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I can feel your pain in your words - I know this hurts! I am very concerned about the sex part and how he thinks he is assexual - not a great way to start off a marriage. I am also not a big fan of moving in with each other before getting married…if marriage is something you see down the road - why not move in once you are married? I would let him go to his brothers and give him space. I know that will be hard - but it may allow him to see what is really going on. Have you all gone to any counseling?

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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UPDATE!!!! Ok so it's been a couple of weeks now, he did break up with eventually, after stringing me on for all this time. I told me the reason was that he just doesn't love me anymore. He absolutely smashed my heart into pieces with that reason but, are you ready for it. 2 nights ago I found some absolutely disgusting quite graphic images on his computer of him and a girl I've suspected something was going on with for a long time. It all finally came out last night that yes, he had cheated on me back in febuary and he had to leave because there was no way he could tell me the truth and he couldn't even look at me knowing how much I loved him and he had done this to me. He said he knew what he was doing and he must have liked her to have done it and there is no way he could go on being with me after he realised what he had done to us. He is absolutely disgusted with himself and feels so ashamed that he ruined us and that he managed to "be that guy" and have his head turned by another woman. Me being the stupid moron that I am felt sorry for him because he is in like no state I have ever seen in my life and yes I comforted him and told him I would give it another go but luckily for my own sanity he would not continue anything with me because I deserve better and he has just gone and done exactly the same as all my ex scumbag w***ers which he never thought he'd be capable of. And neither did I.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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UPDATE!!!! Ok so it's been a couple of weeks now, he did break up with eventually, after stringing me on for all this time. I told me the reason was that he just doesn't love me anymore. He absolutely smashed my heart into pieces with that reason but, are you ready for it. 2 nights ago I found some absolutely disgusting quite graphic images on his computer of him and a girl I've suspected something was going on with for a long time. It all finally came out last night that yes, he had cheated on me back in febuary and he had to leave because there was no way he could tell me the truth and he couldn't even look at me knowing how much I loved him and he had done this to me. He said he knew what he was doing and he must have liked her to have done it and there is no way he could go on being with me after he realised what he had done to us. He is absolutely disgusted with himself and feels so ashamed that he ruined us and that he managed to "be that guy" and have his head turned by another woman. Me being the stupid moron that I am felt sorry for him because he is in like no state I have ever seen in my life and yes I comforted him and told him I would give it another go but luckily for my own sanity he would not continue anything with me because I deserve better and he has just gone and done exactly the same as all my ex scumbag w***ers which he never thought he'd be capable of. And neither did I.

 

Wow.

 

I'm so sorry for this update, OP. You have just learned who he really is.

 

And he's right that you cannot continue to be together or give it another chance - you deserve a hell of a lot better!

 

I can sympathize as I went through something similar with a long-term ex, about 4 years ago now. I never found graphic evidence but there were other clues. Looking back, I am so grateful now that we parted ways. I never thought he'd be capable of it either. But that horrible period propelled me to make some amazing changes in my own life and bring me to the happier place I'm in now. It will take time to grieve and heal, but you'll get there too.

 

Now, go 100% No Contact with your ex. Forever. I mean it.

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

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UPDATE!!!! Ok so it's been a couple of weeks now, he did break up with eventually, after stringing me on for all this time. I told me the reason was that he just doesn't love me anymore. He absolutely smashed my heart into pieces with that reason but, are you ready for it. 2 nights ago I found some absolutely disgusting quite graphic images on his computer of him and a girl I've suspected something was going on with for a long time. It all finally came out last night that yes, he had cheated on me back in febuary and he had to leave because there was no way he could tell me the truth and he couldn't even look at me knowing how much I loved him and he had done this to me. He said he knew what he was doing and he must have liked her to have done it and there is no way he could go on being with me after he realised what he had done to us. He is absolutely disgusted with himself and feels so ashamed that he ruined us and that he managed to "be that guy" and have his head turned by another woman. Me being the stupid moron that I am felt sorry for him because he is in like no state I have ever seen in my life and yes I comforted him and told him I would give it another go but luckily for my own sanity he would not continue anything with me because I deserve better and he has just gone and done exactly the same as all my ex scumbag w***ers which he never thought he'd be capable of. And neither did I.

Don't disrespect yourself with this lying cheater by giving him a second chance if he comes crying back to you because I think you'd actually do it.

 

Find your pride and close the door on this loser for GOOD.

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Poddingtonpea Member

Poddingtonpea

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Yep, as hard as it is I will be going no contact. He made absolutely no effort to beg for my forgiveness, he just said he can't stay after what he has done. All his stuff has been collected and we are officially over now. I really do give up with men lol

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Yep, as hard as it is I will be going no contact. He made absolutely no effort to beg for my forgiveness, he just said he can't stay after what he has done. All his stuff has been collected and we are officially over now. I really do give up with men lol

 

You mentioned you'd suspected something was going on with this girl for a while.

 

Now you know you can trust your instincts. When something smells off, it usually is. Moving forward, you know you can rely on your gut to help guide you.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Well that was a kick in the gut, I am very sorry.

 

I think one thing to take away is not to have a relationship with a man who has sexual issues with you. Whether it's general or just with you or whatever, it always indicates that there will be problems later.

 

That's not to say that sex is the most important part, only that it is one major indicator of the health of the relationship.

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