Ignorant Bliss Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I wasn't sure where to post this, but here goes. I'm at a standstill in my relationship and could use some advice as I don't have very many people in my life that I feel comfortable talking with about this.. I have been with my fiance for over 2 years now, both of us are in our 30's. I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 13 year old daughter (biological), and a 16 year old son (not biological, but has raised from infancy with his ex wife). My daughter lives with us and his children live with their mother but have a standard visitation schedule and he also sees them extra when he can. His son does not know that my fiance is not his biological father. I think that they are planning on telling him when he is 18. Here's the deal. My daughter is very close to my fiance, but I do not feel close to his children. Of course it helps that my daughter is here all the time to deepen the bond. I have never been much of a kid person, especially teenagers who I feel awkward around. His kids are not bad kids, of course they have their issues like any other children, but I know it could be much much worse. Also, his ex wife could be much worse as well. And I have no drama/baggage with my ex husband. I am a very laid back, mellow person. I barely ever raise my voice and I have learned in life to hold my tongue at times when it is not important. I have a good sense of others feelings and I try to be considerate always. Although Im far from perfect, I feel that I have worked through many of my past issues and I have matured into the type of person I was meant to be. So everything should be going smooth, right?? Wrong! My first mistake was getting into this relationship too quickly and also meeting his kids so quickly. This was not our initial plan, but **** happens so here we are. I truly love my fiance and want our relationship to work out but he is nearly impossible to talk to about relationship problems, etc. He instantly thinks he is being criticized and shuts down, gets defensive, all that. He has came a long way, but we still have issues, and mainly about the kids. Nearly every time something comes up about the kids that we don't agree on, he gets pissed off, threatens to leave, accuses me of not wanting his kids around, and then some. Keep in mind that I treat his kids as his own, although I have not yet truly bonded with them (as they are only at our house a few days a month), I am trying and I do interact with them when they are here. We have a small home and when all 3 kids are here, it feels more like 117 kids lol. It has been extremely difficult to get used to this for me. My daughter and his daughter get along very well and are sharing a room. His son is basic teenager and does his own thing, plus recently got a job so he is busy with that. My fiance works many weekends, so there have been numerous times that I have been alone with all the kids while he is at work. Also, I cook and clean for them and take them to their sports activities, etc. My fiance tends to make decisions without talking with me first, especially about his kids. And when I dare to bring this up to him, he gets very angry and says that he does not need to consult me when it comes to his kids. (like if they are going to stay over extra nights, etc.) I feel like he does need to consult me because I am here with them frequently and it is extra responsibility for me. But every time something like this comes up, I am automatically shunned and accused of not wanting anything to do with his kids. This is not true, I knew beforehand that his kids and him were a package deal. I would not still be in this relationship if I didn't want them around. He actually packed his stuff and left me on Mothers Day over an argument about his kids. He came back but a big part of me didn't want him to because he is terrible at communication and throws everything in my face when he gets angry. I am at the point where I don't know whether to throw in the towel or to hang on. I am still young and there could be other opportunities for me, although in the area I live in, good men are in short supply. My fiance is a good man, he works hard, loves his kids, and is otherwise very good to me. I would hate to throw this relationship away because he cant communicate, but it cant go on like this. I need to feel stable and not be afraid that he is going to leave just because I say something that he doesn't like. But maybe I need to give up and either be alone or find a man with no children? I don't know if the kids are the problem here, or is it him? Is it me?
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Give him an ultimatum....if he isn't willing to work out a solution and listen to your end of things/how you feel, then it's going to be over because you won't deal with it anymore. Yes it is his kids, because of him. There is no way if it were me, to have HIS kids dumped on me to take care of while he works. He should stop using you as his babysitter and actually hire one to take them out for the day or maybe he should find a different job so he can be home for his kids. That's the whole point of having the kids visit...to spend quality time together.
mikeylo Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Your issue is neither the kids or him. Your issue is getting the kids into the mix before knowing each other well enough and discussing the step parenting rules/ obligations early on. Blending families is not easy. But since the kids are getting along well, you guys are not. Sit and talk and discuss the rules/ obligations/ duties and responsibilities.
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