Ocino Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I met this girl a few months ago. We hit it off relatively well. We're now 4 months into courtship and see each other about 2 times a week. I'm 30 she's 25. We both really like each other but she has an ex she still hasn't totally let go of. She feels like I haven't totally opened up to her, which is true. Basically she's not ready for a relationship yet. We haven't fully bonded. For me I'm not really ready either. I'm very busy. My job is in flux and I've been working hard to stabilize. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with my openness issues. That being said we both like each other a lot. We text every day. We have good converations. We have great dates. Sex has been great, cuddling wonderful etc... we are both kind hearted and fond of each other. She's got a big project coming up in August for work that she has to be focused for. It's going to last a few months and she can't have any distractions (like a breakup) during that time. She said if we keep going the way we're going and she gets too attached and we breakup for some reason during the height of her project, she won't be able to handle it. So I proposed we scale things back and see each other less frequently. The problem is its agonizing to do. She texts me everyday how she's sad that she can't see me. I have a huge urge to call and tell her to come over. It seems ridiculous that we like each other so much but are keeping ourselves at a distance just to avoid future heartbreak. So I dunno what we can do. Any ideas? I'm tempted to just go with what we feel and let the relationship run its course but maybe a little discipline is wise. I've posted about this before but can't get my username back.
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Just pull back slightly yourself. Also remember there will never be a good time for a break up so don't try to find one. 1
LostOnes05 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 What are relationships these days? People afraid to express mutual affection because it might end. News flash!!! At some point it will end either in a break up or death (The latter being a guarantee). And what is a relationship if you can't/won't/don't lean on and encourage each other during times of struggle? Relationships are built on giving...not based in fear. The mentality of too busy to maintain a relationship isn't entirely true. Does it put a strain on things...sure. But will it lessen 5 years down the road when you're married, have to work, have children, maintain a house, car, elderly parents? No it doesn't. People make time for who they want to make time for. Trust that! What matters is having a partner that communicates their needs effectively. Why get involved with someone if you don't know what you want?? I've found that people get involved, then say "I don't want a relationship/i'm too busy" etc. Then the next person they have interest in comes along and they still have the same obligations/baggage but make the effort to build and maintain a relationship with them (sometimes for better or worse). 3
Eighty_nine Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I think she's still seeing/sleeping with her ex, (or someone else), and can't let that go to commit to you. But she also cares about you and does not want to lose you in the meantime.
Erik30 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I hope I'm wrong for your sake, but to me that kind off sounds like she's already preparing to break up. Red flags for me are the ex, the whole "not ready for a relationship," and even mentioning a possible breakup in the near future.
kismetkismet Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 if you've been dating for 4 months and she's still not over her ex/you're still not ready to open up then I think it's safe to say that it's likely not going anywhere. Being fond of each other and being attracted to one another unfortunately isn't enough for a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. It has to be bigger than that in my experience. That's not to say you couldn't keep things going for a while and enjoy each other's company, it just seems to me like neither of your hearts are really in it. It's more like a companionship-for-now sort of thing. 1
basil67 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 If you scale back from the point you're at now, there will be nothing left!
Dis Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 if you've been dating for 4 months and she's still not over her ex/you're still not ready to open up then I think it's safe to say that it's likely not going anywhere. Being fond of each other and being attracted to one another unfortunately isn't enough for a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. It has to be bigger than that in my experience. That's not to say you couldn't keep things going for a while and enjoy each other's company, it just seems to me like neither of your hearts are really in it. It's more like a companionship-for-now sort of thing. I agree with this. If your hearts still arent in it at this point, I dont think they'll ever be. Maybe you two should have an open, honest convo about the reality of what this realtionship is and where its going (which is most likely no where). Also....she cant handle a breakup during her work project??? So you two would just fake it until the project is over??? That doesnt make much sense. As another poster already mentioned...theres never a good time for a breakup. I think the both of you need to get real about what is going on between you two...and also the inevitable outcome
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