singleagain91 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We met when we were 19 and 20 in college. I had one other longish relationship before him that lasted about 2 years but it was dysfunctional and on and off for those 2 years before I broke it off and moved on. I also had 2 or 3 high school flings..so I would say I had an average dating experience before we met and because of my previous dysfunctional relationship I would say I have a good head on my shoulders of when something is good and when something is obviously not working. My now ex boyfriend is the opposite. I was his first everything. (first ever relationship, first serious gf, first LDR, literally everything). The first 9 months of our relationship were very casual. We were dating exclusively but neither of us was seeing it as anything more than a college fling. After those first 9 months we started getting closer and out of the blue my ex broke it off saying he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a serious relationship this early in his college career. I thought fine, whatever, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I started no contact(knew this was the way to go based on previous on and off again relationship due to breaking no contact). Ex lasted two weeks before he contacted me apologizing about how he made a mistake and wants to be together. Since that very early "break up" everything has been great. We have had 5.5 years together. Survived a long distance summer, graduated, got dogs together, got real world jobs, and have even "survived" about 2 years long distance with no real problems. We are close with each others families, we are extremely compatible, and the stability/success of our relationship with each other could rival many marriages. Our friends looked towards us for relationship ideals and everyone has been convinced that this was it for us. I was also convinced. We have been planning a trip to Europe together for about 6 months now. It is coming up soon. We are currently living long distance due to our respective jobs. We have had vacations before but all domestic and not for more than a week or so. So this trip is a bit of a big deal. My ex has always been very cautious about everything. He takes a long time to make decisions and overthinks and analyses everything. It is just who he is. Also we are now 25 and 26. He flies in unexpectedly (very not like him to do this) so I knew something was up. And out of the blue he tells me that he has doubts about our relationship and he doesn't think he can take the next steps towards engagement and marriage. This came as an absolute shock to me. We had discussed marriage before but it was always something we were thinking of in the distant future for when we are no longer long distance and after I finished grad school. So now, here are my concerns. I suspect that he is going to come back eventually and he has just over analyzed all of this and got cold feet. I have not talked to him since and we have had no contact since from either side. When he does come back...I don't know what I am going to do. I believe in the strength of our relationship, our compatibility, and our bond, but I have no idea whether or not I can accept that the over analyzing and cold feet issue may never be something that goes away. It is likely to pop up every time we get to a big decision point in our relationship (if reconciled). Have you dealt with this before? If you worked it out with your cold feet prone partner how do you deal with this when it comes up? How the heck do I make this decision when it comes up? In the meantime, I am continuing no contact, I am trying to move on. Hanging out with my friends, working out, studying for my entrance exam finding new hobbies etc. I want to be ready to make this decision with a clear head when/if it comes up knowing full and well that it may take a while and we may see other people in between. But I am struggling and losing sleep over how to make up my mind. I can't decide if I would want him back or not even though I know we had/have a very special connection. It is made worse by the fact that we are both still planning on going to Europe...its just a matter of if we are going together or if we are just going to be on the same plane. I also already have a flight to his city at the end of the month..but am considering changing it to go somewhere else instead...but I am not sure. I am just very confused and stressed. 1
Ifeelok Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 As someone that has gone through this, I can honestly say the best thing to do is do you. As much as it hurts to no contact him, what he did was wrong. I was in a LTR as well, almost 5 years together. Out of the blue she decides to break up with me. It hurt like hell specially to know that a month later she was in a relationship with her supervisor. My advice is keep busy, try not to focus on why he did what he did. Sometimes, people do things and we will never know why. I learned that even if you spent years with this person, you never really get to know them. Try becoming a better you, focus on your goals. Spend time with friends and family and maybe even hit the gym. 1
Author singleagain91 Posted May 13, 2016 Author Posted May 13, 2016 I have been thinking about this all day and the upcoming trip I have to his city. I realized that by seeing him I am allowing him to feel ok about our break up by pretending to be "just friends" and that the real reason I was wanting to go is because I am hoping for a change of heart. That is not a good enough reason. I am keeping my plane ticket but it is to the closest airport to his city in a much larger tourist destination. His city is a 2 hour drive away. So, because I have already purchased the ticket I am going to go but I am not going to have him pick me up and take me to his city. I am staying in the large city and spending the weekend by myself doing what I want to do and taking a weekend getaway for me. Not for him. I feel really empowered by this decision..I am sure in the coming weeks I will question it, but I have booked my hotels and am going to follow through. Now the question though is this....eventually he is going to contact me to ask about when to pick me up and where and my flight etc....I am in NC right now...I don't feel that it would be fair or graceful to not let him know about my decision. So currently I plan to wait for him to contact me then wait a while to respond, then when I do respond I will simply say "I have decided to stay in XYZ instead." and that be the end of it. Is this an acceptable break of NC? I have a feeling that when I tell him this his feeling will be hurt and I will start to get bombarded.....
Author singleagain91 Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 So it took about 8 days...but ex has started texting me again. I still haven't told him about my plan to not see him at the end of the month. I have identified what I think was the cause of all of this...about a week before our breakup one of our friends who is the same age as us and has been dating his girlfriend for 2 ish years got engaged...we had a normal conversation about it nothing out of the ordinary no me putting pressure on him or anything just a hey did you know that this happened etc. but I think this triggered the GIGS for him. Sigh. Anyway the text said "if your ready to start talking to me again let me know. if not I'll try again another day." Which was just so nice and considerate of him that it royally pissed me off. Like WHY did he have to be so nice. Anyway, I failed at NC and said I wasn't not not talking to him just needing space to move on. And then the next day he texts me to ask how my week has been. I am back in NC and will not be responding. I've got plans to go out with friends tonight , getting my hair changed up next week, and made my hotel reservations for my weekend getaway. My gut tells me that he is going to come back soon...but I need to protect myself in case he doesn't.
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