question about relationships - interested in peoples views please!

[clairelouise11]

Hello

I just need to get a few peoples views on something.

I have read in relationship books and various websites that when you are together with a guy, you shouldn't try and change him, you should support him in everything he wants to do, encourage him to be his best etc etc

But everywhere I look lately, girls are starting relationships with guys and then stipulating that they change their job or cut their hours or that they can’t go out with their friends on such and such a night and so on and the guys are actually changing it for them!! Not only that, the guys seem happy to be doing it!!

My boyfriend works all the hours god sends, I know he loves it though so I never nag to see him, never moan about not seeing him for days, never complain when he gets a night off and wants to spend it with his mates instead of me…….am I doing something wrong here? I feel in a minority! Do they secretly like having to work hard to keep their girlfriend happy? Do they feel more wanted if a girl tells them what she wants even if they have to suffer? Or will the guys eventually come to resent their girlfriends for upsetting their life? Am I making life too easy for my boyfriend? Can someone be too understanding?

What do you guys think?

[laRubiaBonita]

they are probably younger couples you are speaking of.

 

and yes, some girls will soon try to make their bf's into something that they want him to be....but it is not like the guy has to do what she asks.

 

it is as much the guy's fault for not speaking up for himself as much as the girls fault for being and taking control.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

it is as much the guy's fault for not speaking up for himself as much as the girls fault for being and taking control.

 

re-worded:

it is as much the guy's fault for being a spineless jellyfish as it is the girls fault for being a manipulative biotch!

[lindya]

A bossy woman might have drawbacks, but the chances are she'll keep a clean house and be a responsible, capable wife. Remember, clairelouise...men are practical creatures.

[scratch]

Originally posted by clairelouise11

Am I doing something wrong here? I feel in a minority! Do they secretly like having to work hard to keep their girlfriend happy? Do they feel more wanted if a girl tells them what she wants even if they have to suffer? Or will the guys eventually come to resent their girlfriends for upsetting their life? Am I making life too easy for my boyfriend? Can someone be too understanding?

What do you guys think?

 

I think you are behaving the way I'd like my girlfriend to behave. I can give you a ton of anecdotal evidence to this effect, but the best one is as follows.

 

I dated two women in succession. One was 39, moderately attractive, and had a kid. The next was 21, no kids, and as hot as any woman I've dated. Due to the sole fact that the older one took me for who I was, and the younger one wanted to change me, my trust of and feelings for the older one were far stronger.

 

As long as you don't feel like he takes advantage of you or treats you with disrespect, I urge you to continue what you're doing.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree. You shouldn't try to "change" people. Rather, you should avoid entering into relationships with people you feel need some 'tweaking' in the first place.

 

I think the BIGGEST mistake people make is thinking that they can love someone into becoming something different than who they are. While love can be a great motivator, drastic lifestyle "change" must come from that individual's willingness to compromise for their partner without being asked or brow-beaten into submission. It has to be something they want for themselves as much as their partner's happiness.

 

While both my partner and I have given up some aspects of our single life, we were more than happy to make the swap to achieve what we have now. That's why we call it "compromise" rather than "sacrifice." Neither one of us had to force the other into submission because it's what we were both looking for in a committed relationship. Wouldn't have even wasted our times taking that next step together otherwise.

 

As for me, while I had lots of fun being single, there is not a shred of nostalgia left for that lifestyle because I'm equally happy and content being just where I'm at. More importantly, I genuinely like my partner exactly the way he is…and "love" him because there isn't a single thing about him I'd ever want to change. As a matter of fact, the only thing that would ever make me consider leaving is if he ever did change into someone I no longer knew.

 

Now, if all of that isn't sappy enough to make you lose your lunch, then maybe confessing this will:

 

When either my partner or I say "Jump!"… the other asks, "how high?" And it's because we love each other so much that we actually LIKE it!

 

Does that concept sound crazy to most couples, or what??

[XNemesisX]

If a guy just seemed content to let me do whatever the heck I wanted and never raise an eyebrow...I would lose interest.

 

If a guy never acted jealous....hmmm I would probably not like that.

 

I think a little/moderate possessiveness and control in a relationship shows how much you mean to eachother. Just my opinion.

[smile95]

SOme men base how successful they are according to how well they do their job. If he is truly into his work and likes it, I would not worry. If he is choosing to do things with other people tho and not you, I would tell him that bothers you. I was way too understanding in one relationship and he took advantage of that. I wish I would have spoken up. If you do not, he thinks it is ok. Good luck. Don't say it in an attacking way, just tell him how you feel. FOr some men work=success. Success defines some men. And woman for that matter

[clairelouise11]

thanks guys, some interesting notions

i'm quite happy if he's happy basically and i know he likes things to be easy, well thats the jist i get, so i'm trying to keep things nice and easy and fun for us.

he sometimes does things like comments on other women in front of me which i wonder if its an effort to make me a bit jelous, but i normally laugh it off and join in haha! but i wonder if he'd rather i react bothered just so it reinforces to him the way i feel about him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think if you're genuinely happy with the way things are going, then it would be pointless to try and fix what isn't broken. But that's not to say you should fain indifference to those things that may give you reason to pause. Insuring your boyfriend's happiness should not come at the expense of yours. The best way to get what you want from a relationship is to have a deeper understanding of what it is you don't want.

 

For instance, your boyfriend doesn't get to spend a lot of time with you because of outside interests. For now - you seem to be okay with that. But you must also consider the long-term prospect of that in the event that "free time" isn't something he'll be willing to compromise later (on his own) if your relationship progresses further. Knowing the contents of the package, will you still be willing to buy it as is later on?

 

When the relationship is new and you're still feeling each other out, I always felt it was important to remember that what you see may very well be what you get. If you put out the vibe that you accept and "like" the person just the way are now, then its unfair to try and change any aspect of them after you've made the agreement to commit to a serious, monogamous relationship. It's better to take as much time as you need to have all that stuff worked out before taking the next step. Some lifestyle changes will occur naturally between two people who genuinely want to be together, while others will require that you discuss your personal boundries and relationship expectations up front.

 

he sometimes does things like comments on other women in front of me which i wonder if its an effort to make me a bit jelous, but i normally laugh it off and join in haha! but i wonder if he'd rather i react bothered just so it reinforces to him the way i feel about him.

 

As far as commenting on other women in your presence, I personally find it asinine, juvenile and sorely lacking in class. But that's just a pet peeve of mine because I hate seeing people mind f***ed like that. I've known a few Neanderthals in my life, but even their mothers had taught them some manners. Perhaps he's trying to get a rise out of you - test his boundaries, so to speak - but it may also give you an important clue as to the quality of his character (maturity) and provide a good indicator of future behavior. While I think making light of the situation was a far better response then getting upset and storming off, you may want to consider what kind of precedence this has set. Perhaps by laughing along you have sent him the message that this kind of behavior is "okay" with you. Maybe it is. But how would he know otherwise if (???) you are sending mixed signals to hide the fact that you are vulnerable and capable of being hurt?

 

In this situation, sometimes the best response to indignant behavior is no response. Sometimes, people will equate indifference with permissiveness. And once you allow something to happen too often, it can be difficult to pull it back once the minor irritant becomes a festering soar spot in the relationship.

 

i'm quite happy if he's happy basically and i know he likes things to be easy, well thats the jist i get, so i'm trying to keep things nice and easy and fun for us.

 

It seems that you are doing really well so far and are taking it slow and easy. That's good! But remember --- it's not just about keeping your boyfriend happy so that he'll stick around, it's also about making sure that Claire remains happy in her life, too.