How to let go when you KNOW the person is not the one

[laura9]

I'm sure it's panful breaking up when you still love the person. But how about when you still love the person BUT you're sure you have no future together?

 

I was in a 3.5 year relationship and it got to the point where he wanted to get engaged and I felt it wasn't the right thing. Yet I still find it so hard to let go.

 

He wanted to break up. I keep thinking about everything we've been through together. I keep thinking about the future. I feel guilty for not wanting him to be "the one" for me. Some of his personality traits were pretty much deal breakers, but I still want him around even though I know I wouldn't be happy with him. What is wrong with me?

 

I can't let go, yet I can't commit and get engaged either. Am I being selfish? What is this? I need clarity... Someone please help

[fands]

Some of his personality traits were pretty much deal breakers,

Perhaps you could elaborate?

but I still want him around even though I know I wouldn't be happy with him. What is wrong with me?

Well, I see your problem. You have an expectation of being happy in a relationship. You need to get real, and smell the coffee. Relationships are hard work, but the rewards are...are...I'll get back to you on this one. My point is that misery loves company.

[laura9]

Perhaps you could elaborate?

 

He has a very very difficult personality. Manipulative, demanding, needs full time attention... oh, and he has a very unnatural attachment to his mother. He puts her on a pedestal and I always come last. Trust me, it's odd.

[d0nnivain]

You can't marry somebody just to avoid hurting their feelings. No you are not being selfish by not wanting to marry him. You are being selfish by not having a clean break so he can move on. His attachment to his mother & other habits you don't like are unlikely to change. So continuing to dating him knowing that you don't have a future together simply holds you both back.

[makemyday]

Hi Laura,

 

 

Been there, done that. It's not easy.

 

 

Do you think maybe you hold on because you're afraid of being alone? When I was going through it, I kept thinking I'd "give it more time" to see if things improved. They didn't. We were who we were, and neither of us were going to change. It sounds like you know this. By prolonging things, you're holding both of you back. If the situation was reversed (you wanting the engagement and him not sure) would you want to keep going knowing he had doubts? The kindest thing for both of you is to end it. Life's too short to waste time and energy on people that just aren't going to work out. Good luck!

[BelleSkye]

Sounds like you enjoy co-dependent relationships or at least, feel committed to co-dependent relationships.

 

There's no quality in that - unless your main purpose in life is never to be alone and never take your feelings into regard (i.e. worrying about hurting your partner).