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My ex contacted me out of the blue and I'm afraid he's trying to manipulate me again

marycc

By marycc
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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marycc Member

marycc

Posted
Posted

I broke up with him. He knows I'm in a relationship and during the first two years he didn't send me one single message, and last August, on my birthday, he sent me a text for the first time. Then, he texted me on Christmas and New Year's Eve, and now he decided to text me this month. Btw, his birthday was in April and I didn't wish him a happy birthday, like he did to me. However, he keeps trying, today he texted me again, and the conversation was a bit awkward. I didn't know what to say and I didn't respond with long answers. Then, suddenly he said: You look so stiff, calm down, I don't have any ulterior motives, I'm just talking to you because I think you're cool and it was sad that we didn't talk anymore.

Me: I just got a bit reluctant because you didn't talk to me for two years, and suddenly out of the blue you decided to text me.

Him: On your birthday I kept thinking it was a "special date" but couldn't remember why, then I remembered it was your birthday, so I decided to text you

Me: Yeah, and that happened on Christmas and New Years Eve as well

Him: Jesus, chill out. What's the problem? I already reconnected with a lot of friends out of the blue

Me: Yeah, but I wasn't just a friend, we were together for 4 years and we haven't talked for 2 years...

Him: If it makes you more comfortable, I'm taken. If you don't want to talk, that's ok, I don't want to force anything

Me: It's fine. I was just explaining why I felt weird about this

Him: I'm glad it's ok and we can keep talking! I just hope our conversations aren't always as awkward

Me: Yeah, I don't know. It seems like we don't have a lot in common anymore...

Him: Well, I already knew that, but it wouldn't be funny if you were just like me! Also, I've had a lot of awesome experiences in these last years, it's been the best time of my life... (I didn't understand why he mentioned this)

 

Then I didn't answer and he didn't say anything anymore. I don't know what he wants or what is his objective.

 

Here is a little bit more information about our relationship: When I broke up with him, he told me he knew he would try again in the future, and that's something he would question me many times, if years later I'd be willing to try again and the only thing I told him was "I don't know".

 

Also, our relationship only lasted so Long because whenever I tried to break up with him, he would threaten me, he'd say he was going to kill himself.

 

He is a very sociable person and has a lot of friends (boys and girls), and I know he's very close to some of them, so I don't think he feels lonely.

 

Btw, I broke up with him because he would constantly flirt with other girls when we were together and even tried to go on dates with another girl during that time (he admitted so). He would say stuff like "we are very young, this won't last forever and I want to experience what it is like to fall in live again", but then would threaten me if I tried to leave him.

 

I find it weird that he didn't say anything for 2 years and then decides to start texting me from time to time (every 3 months or so) just to know how I'm doing (apparently). Also, I think it's weird that he told me he's taken. I can't understand if he's trying to manipulate me or if he truly wants to be my friend. I don't know if he wants to come closer to me because he thinks that, if he does it, maybe I'll break up with my current boyfriend.

 

Anyway, what do you think of this? do you think he's being manipulative or genuine?

Thanks guys

fands Established Member

fands

Posted
Posted
He knows I'm in a relationship and

Interesting. Do you?

kidm Established Member

kidm

Posted
Posted (edited)

You should be asking yourself why you are engaging him in conversation after two years especially if you are in a relationship? It seems to me both of you may be hiding your true intentions. I really didn't get the point of the exchange unless you have feelings for him and went him back and was hoping he was reaching out for another chance. Could you show these text messages to your significant other? Think about that rather than what his motives are because yours aren't clear either.

Edited by kidm
Typo
privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted
I broke up with him. He knows I'm in a relationship and during the first two years he didn't send me one single message, and last August, on my birthday, he sent me a text for the first time. Then, he texted me on Christmas and New Year's Eve, and now he decided to text me this month. Btw, his birthday was in April and I didn't wish him a happy birthday, like he did to me. However, he keeps trying, today he texted me again, and the conversation was a bit awkward. I didn't know what to say and I didn't respond with long answers. Then, suddenly he said: You look so stiff, calm down, I don't have any ulterior motives, I'm just talking to you because I think you're cool and it was sad that we didn't talk anymore.

Me: I just got a bit reluctant because you didn't talk to me for two years, and suddenly out of the blue you decided to text me.

Him: On your birthday I kept thinking it was a "special date" but couldn't remember why, then I remembered it was your birthday, so I decided to text you

Me: Yeah, and that happened on Christmas and New Years Eve as well

Him: Jesus, chill out. What's the problem? I already reconnected with a lot of friends out of the blue

Me: Yeah, but I wasn't just a friend, we were together for 4 years and we haven't talked for 2 years...

Him: If it makes you more comfortable, I'm taken. If you don't want to talk, that's ok, I don't want to force anything

Me: It's fine. I was just explaining why I felt weird about this

Him: I'm glad it's ok and we can keep talking! I just hope our conversations aren't always as awkward

Me: Yeah, I don't know. It seems like we don't have a lot in common anymore...

Him: Well, I already knew that, but it wouldn't be funny if you were just like me! Also, I've had a lot of awesome experiences in these last years, it's been the best time of my life... (I didn't understand why he mentioned this)

 

Then I didn't answer and he didn't say anything anymore. I don't know what he wants or what is his objective.

 

Here is a little bit more information about our relationship: When I broke up with him, he told me he knew he would try again in the future, and that's something he would question me many times, if years later I'd be willing to try again and the only thing I told him was "I don't know".

 

Also, our relationship only lasted so Long because whenever I tried to break up with him, he would threaten me, he'd say he was going to kill himself.

 

He is a very sociable person and has a lot of friends (boys and girls), and I know he's very close to some of them, so I don't think he feels lonely.

 

Btw, I broke up with him because he would constantly flirt with other girls when we were together and even tried to go on dates with another girl during that time (he admitted so). He would say stuff like "we are very young, this won't last forever and I want to experience what it is like to fall in live again", but then would threaten me if I tried to leave him.

 

I find it weird that he didn't say anything for 2 years and then decides to start texting me from time to time (every 3 months or so) just to know how I'm doing (apparently). Also, I think it's weird that he told me he's taken. I can't understand if he's trying to manipulate me or if he truly wants to be my friend. I don't know if he wants to come closer to me because he thinks that, if he does it, maybe I'll break up with my current boyfriend.

 

Anyway, what do you think of this? do you think he's being manipulative or genuine?

Thanks guys

You broke up with him for constantly flirting with other girls and here he is taken and still texting his ex. A leopard doesnt change their spots.

You didnt give proper answers to "if I try again later are you willing"?

If you said "I dont know" its actually percieved as yes to a guy without boundaries.

I say you write a clear..."look, Ive moved on with no hard feelings and am glad we got to talk politely but have decided Id like to discontinue talking and move forward with no more contact and live our lives seperately for good now, please take care"

You dont owe communication to ANYONE after breaking up. You do not have to reply at all. Be done.

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marycc Member

marycc

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You should be asking yourself why you are engaging him in conversation after two years especially if you are in a relationship? It seems to me both of you may be hiding your true intentions. I really didn't get the point of the exchange unless you have feelings for him and went him back and was hoping he was reaching out for another chance. Could you show these text messages to your significant other? Think about that rather than what his motives are because yours aren't clear either.

 

I think the reason why I answered him is because I'm still afraid of him. I feel like I have to be polite to him and talk to him because I'm afraid that if I don't he will spread rumors about me (he knows many people I work with). Also, I think he was a nymphomaniac, when we dated he was constantly asking me to send him nudes and videos of myself, and, as a dumb teenager, I would do what he told me...so since we broke up I have this fear that he could put them online. So I guess that's it. I noticed that these things always come to my mind when he initiated conversation with me, I felt like I had to be cautious. However, today he talked to me again and I didn't respond, and I decided that I won't do it again.

DevotedBaker54 Member

DevotedBaker54

Posted
Posted

It's frustrating not knowing what someone's intentions are. Just make it clear what your intentions are with him. If he crosses a line and starts being manipulative again, let him know you're done talking to him. Have you told your current bf about the nudes your ex has of you? Maybe if you told him, your current bf won't hold so much power over you.

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

He can't manipulate you if you don't communicate with him.

  • Like 1
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted

Don’t engage him AT ALL any more. Block his numbers and email addresses if you can. You know what his intentions are, because you know him. They are not good intentions.

 

Why tolerate his reprimanding you? “Him: Jesus, chill out. What's the problem?”

At that point, it would have been best to respond: “Don’t contact me again” and then blocked, etc.

privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted

If you gave a mature classy "in respect for your new girlfriend, I wish you all the best, no hard feelings" type of breaking off his friendship attempts, he would have no reason to retaliate...but if you string him along and he gets angry you wont give him ENOUGH attention he might pull some immature stunt like posting pics (still doubtful anyways) so you STILL need to cut him off but just do it kindly, nicely, firmly, in a polite firm way wishing no hard feelings then be done. You can fear blackmail when it just MIGHT happen.

Thats not fair to you...and when you want and need to move forward without an ex to heal and restart your life, you cant let fear stop you.

Dont allow what could happen (and likely wouldnt) stop you from following your heart that he is no longer good for you. Your a new person now...we all have skeletons and made dumb choices when young...who cares. He was your commited boyfriend and he had nudes. Fine. But he has a new gf now and so who knows, he likely deleted them. You can ask him to let go now then just do it. Its ok.

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