FWB issues

[Gloria25]

I don't know, but trying to navigate this without investing too much emotions into it and getting hurt.

 

My last FWB, we went to movies, shopping, dinner...he brought me flowers, I'd cook, he'd fix stuff and we gave each other stuff - things you do when dating.

 

My current guy?

 

I don't know. Umm, I kinda am not laying out any cards cuz I look to see what cards he plays first.

 

I'm not trying to use a FWB situation as a sneaky way to get a guy to date me...but, I need to be close, but have that distance too. I don't want kids and the whole white picket fence, but don't wanna sleep around either.

 

I like him a lot but am putting up the wall. I'm afraid that the wall is gonna ruin what we got going on so far. He doesn't wanna label "us" and that could be a good or a bad thing. Good cuz it may blossom into dating, bad cuz w/o a label, he's free to dump me at the drop of a hat w/o explanation.

 

Ummm, I don't know what to do here. I think that I'm also being taken by surprise cuz he is great in bed, is smart, goal oriented, can even cook, athletic...gosh, stuff in a guy that I'd date. But, we just are in different places and can't let myself get carried away and be delusional like a Demi Moore, cuz there'll be a day he's gonna get a Mila Kunis

 

I'm gonna try to do like he says - which is to just enjoy each other and not think too hard about it...I guess.

 

Arrrgh, I hate FWBs. I sooo do!!! I mean, I just can't get horny for anybody, but if they have certain qualities, you have to be careful not to develop strong feelings.

[fands]

I like him a lot but am putting up the wall.

Good idea. Make sure the wall is sturdy enough that he can't escape. Remember, this wall is for keeping people in, not keeping them out.

I'm gonna try to do like he says - which is to just enjoy each other and not think too hard about it...

I've found that there's no such thing as too hard. But if he ever goes soft on you it's time to move on.

[RecentChange]

From what you have said here, it sounds like a BAD idea to persue a FWB thing with this guy (or any guy for that matter).

 

I - really enjoy a good "FWB" (or perhaps F buddy is more appropriate). Here are my "rules of engagement":

 

1. Open communication, it needs to be made absolutely clear what this relationship IS, and what it is not. For me, and my relationships it was a mutually beneficial relationship with the sole purpose of having great sex. Nothing more. Stated and CLEAR.

 

2. Emotions are going to stay out of it. Both agree to not let themselves get carried away, and to always come back to the fact that this is a one dimensional sole purpose arrangement. Putting walls up is not only acceptable, but required.

 

3. Either party can end it at any time no questions asked, no hurt feelings. Finding someone to " really date" will be an auto trigger to end things. This is just an option until something better comes along. I am not trying to be his GF, or hinder him finding one (in fact, I have encroaged it, and played dating coach). NO jealousy. We could openly talk about people we were dating / prospects.

 

Choosing a FWB that you WOULD date "conventionally" is asking for trouble. In my experience it works best when there is a big factor that makes him not BF potential (in my case, quirky nerdy types that I wouldn't get along with on a daily, or a difference in culture that would make him a no go....something to stop me in my tracks).

 

And he is not a pal to go to the movies with. No dates, no gifts, none of that "boyfriend" stuff. Maybe we will share a meal or a drink before the main event, but flowers? Never, totally crossing the "arrangement" line.

 

With my FWB we shared sex, and chat / discussion but nothing more.

[fands]

With my FWB we shared sex, and chat / discussion but nothing more.

Wow, I hope you kept the discussion superficial. Playing with fire, there. I prefer to limit my FWB encounters to sex and primordial grunting noises. Nothing more.

[RecentChange]

That's helpful fands, have any other helpful advice to avoid "catching the feels" and not ending up yet another poster coming to this forum with a tale of woe, about how they really started liking him, but now feel "used" because he just wanted sex (even though that is what they agreed upon in the first place).

 

So many threads on this board about being confused, hurt etc by their "FWB"

 

I have had several of these arrangements, some lasting years - and by adhering to the "rules" largely avoided any drama.

[Gloria25]

From what you have said here, it sounds like a BAD idea to persue a FWB thing with this guy (or any guy for that matter).

 

I - really enjoy a good "FWB" (or perhaps F buddy is more appropriate). Here are my "rules of engagement":

 

1. Open communication, it needs to be made absolutely clear what this relationship IS, and what it is not. For me, and my relationships it was a mutually beneficial relationship with the sole purpose of having great sex. Nothing more. Stated and CLEAR.

 

2. Emotions are going to stay out of it. Both agree to not let themselves get carried away, and to always come back to the fact that this is a one dimensional sole purpose arrangement. Putting walls up is not only acceptable, but required.

 

3. Either party can end it at any time no questions asked, no hurt feelings. Finding someone to " really date" will be an auto trigger to end things. This is just an option until something better comes along. I am not trying to be his GF, or hinder him finding one (in fact, I have encroaged it, and played dating coach). NO jealousy. We could openly talk about people we were dating / prospects.

 

Choosing a FWB that you WOULD date "conventionally" is asking for trouble. In my experience it works best when there is a big factor that makes him not BF potential (in my case, quirky nerdy types that I wouldn't get along with on a daily, or a difference in culture that would make him a no go....something to stop me in my tracks).

 

And he is not a pal to go to the movies with. No dates, no gifts, none of that "boyfriend" stuff. Maybe we will share a meal or a drink before the main event, but flowers? Never, totally crossing the "arrangement" line.

 

With my FWB we shared sex, and chat / discussion but nothing more.

 

Arrrgh...

 

But making all these "rules" and keeping it cut/dry to grunting and sex isn't gonna work. I enjoy the kissing and just going with the flow.

 

But yes, the more convos we have I get interested in him and what's going on with him....grrrr. But, we have light convos. No txting/calling unless to meet. So, we're keeping it light. He was telling me about something recently and I was like 'You don't have to report to me' and he's like, 'No, I'm not reporting to you, but you might find interesting the thing I'm telling you about'...Arrrgh.

 

I mean of the bit of convo we have I'm learning more about him and liking and finding out we have stuff in common and scared I'm falling and I don't wanna fall...Arrrgh

[Gloria25]

That's helpful fands, have any other helpful advice to avoid "catching the feels" and not ending up yet another poster coming to this forum with a tale of woe, about how they really started liking him, but now feel "used" because he just wanted sex (even though that is what they agreed upon in the first place).

 

So many threads on this board about being confused, hurt etc by their "FWB"

 

I have had several of these arrangements, some lasting years - and by adhering to the "rules" largely avoided any drama.

 

Bleh, "Rule #1 of FWBs is not to mention FWB":laugh:

 

I feel like this is Fight Club:lmao:

[Methodical]

I hear you about needing to feel some sort of connection, yet keeping them at arm's length.

 

I posted about a friend who had a FWB that went wonky from poor communication. I finally suggested she approach the pink elephant in the room and address the issue. I mean, if you are mature and close enough to get freaky, you should be able to have a civil conversation. Fading and ghosting are childish when you've been with someone for awhile (a year in her case).

 

Anyway, they had a heart to heart and got back on track for awhile and then things started getting goofy again. I finally suggested she cut the cord. IMO, one person in the FWB arrangement always gets more invested, hence the term friend and the connection you're referring to. Sometimes, even with firm boundaries and mutual agreements, things go astray.

 

Good luck!

[SammySammy]

Problems like this tend to arise when you have only one FWB. Or when you're only seeing each other. Sometimes the lines get blurred and we start to wonder where the relationship actually stands.

 

Like RecentChange, I've had several of these that often last for years because we don't let the lines get blurred. We can hang out, talk to each daily, do things that any other "dating" couple would do, but our "understanding" remains the same.

 

For me, it's even more clear because I usually have several FWBs. I mean, for many, that's one of the purposes of defining a FWB relationship. So we don't have to lie to each other about seeing other people.

 

I'm not suggesting getting another FWB, but, if you don't, make sure the lines stay clear.

[ASG]

Problems like this tend to arise when you have only one FWB. Or when you're only seeing each other. Sometimes the lines get blurred and we start to wonder where the relationship actually stands.

 

Like RecentChange, I've had several of these that often last for years because we don't let the lines get blurred. We can hang out, talk to each daily, do things that any other "dating" couple would do, but our "understanding" remains the same.

 

For me, it's even more clear because I usually have several FWBs. I mean, for many, that's one of the purposes of defining a FWB relationship. So we don't have to lie to each other about seeing other people.

 

I'm not suggesting getting another FWB, but, if you don't, make sure the lines stay clear.

 

I find that this is very true. I always found that the lines were less blurred when I was actively sleeping with several people. It helped keep me on track.

 

I've had all sorts of different FWBs, so the "rules" are flexible. I've had ones where we only texted to meet and they would come over, have sex and leave, no big chats, no drinks, nothing; others where we'd have drinks and a chat at home, before having sex; others where we'd go out for drinks/dinner/movies before going home together.

 

 

I'm having a bit of the same problem with my FWB at the moment, and I know it's because he's been the only person I've been sleeping with for AGES. I have another FWB, but he lives across the world and we only saw each other a couple of times last year (and the sex has gone a bit stale for me now, so I'm a bit bored of him LOL), which is definitely not enough... but no one else has sparked my interest.

I'm actually debating calling things off with him, as I'm finding myself a little bit too involved for my liking... but then I'd have no one to have sex with, and that's making me hesitate...

 

 

So... yeah... if you want to keep it casual, you need to distance yourself. How to best do that depends... For me sleeping with other people is what works best.

[oldshirt]

Do you think your grandmother ever lost much sleep wondering what to do about a guy that wanted to have sex whenever he felt like it, but didn't want to date label the arrangement?

 

Do you think she was ever unsure of what to do when guys wanted the poon but didn't want to date or be involved in an actual relationship?

 

If you don't think she ever was troubled by this dilemma, maybe you could tell her all about it and get her input.

[oldshirt]

With all this talk about rules and boundaries and what activities you can and cannot do etc - how is that different from an actual relationship???????

[RecentChange]

Hahahah it IS like fight club.

 

I don't know, keeping FWB as my little secret always worked best. My fiends might know that I had this guy "Adam" on call, but they would never meet him.

 

It's not all just grunting though. I LOVE kissing and making out, so my FWB included tons of that. I have had long make out sessions that never led to sex with my FWB.

 

Sometimes it would be the typical late night booty call. Other times he might have a new recipie he wants to try out, and or a nice bottle of wine - we may enjoy a meal, and desert

 

But no "dating" stuff, we didn't spend much time talking when not together, but post sex talks about -everything, philosophy, life - were quite enjoyable.

 

I guess I see my FWB as a friend that provides a service. Kinda like if you were friends with an acupuncturist, might go over, have a glass of wine, and get poked

 

I appreciate my friends company, and the acupuncture work was great - but I am not going to start dreaming about long walks on the beach with them.

[RecentChange]

With all this talk about rules and boundaries and what activities you can and cannot do etc - how is that different from an actual relationship???????

 

Well, for me, I am not invested in them. It's basically an "open" relationship and I am free to sleep with anyone I like. I don't have to check in, chat, make time for them unless it's for sex. I don't have to make them a priority in any way. He's an option (and so am I!)

 

Mean while, a real relationship gets a heavy investment of my time, energy and emotion. A real relationship gets a commitment from me. A real relationship includes a greater risk of being hurt etc due to that investment.