Missthecountry2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 So people have different opinions on this subject...just curious as to what the general thoughts are. If you were friends with the opposite sex before getting in a relationship, would you still keep in contact as friends? Or out of respect not talk to them anymore? How would you react if your bf/gf didn't directly asked you to cut ties with them but is strongly suggesting it? A co-worker of mine and I were on this subject, made me wonder what the general thoughts were.
GemmaUK Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 I have no issue with it at all, never have. Only one man I dated had an issue with me having male friends but he turned out to be controlling and emotionally abusive. 2
Porter56 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 As a man I know how men think so...yeah it'd bug me. I know men almost always want to sleep with women they know so I would know that this guy who's friends with my gf secretly wants to bang her. But then again that means I want to sleep with all her friends....and at the end of the day everybody wants to sleep with everybody.... What was the question??? Lol
TunaCat Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 I have friends (more like acquaintances) of both sexes and I have always had them. I would not give up my friends for anyone I was seeing. If they had a problem with it, then they just aren't the one for me. I have never been inappropriate with them and I don't cheat (and would never cheat) If someone I was seeing, suggested that I cut ties with a friend, I'd wonder why my significant other doesn't trust me and that would be a deal-breaker for me because I will not be in a relationship with a person who doesn't trust me. 4
smudge21 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Comes down to trust. If one person has problems with anothers friends, then there's some serious trust issues going on. That said, it always depends too on how one behaves around their friends, especially infront of a loved one. Some people can have that close flirty type of relationship with members of the opposite, and this to others can be seen as worrying. Nothing that can't be sorted out if the relationship is strong enough... but like others have said, I wouldn't give up on my friends for someone else, nor would I expect them to leave their friends for me.
guest569 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 What if you are super close with this opposite sex friend, spend lots of one on one time with them to the point where you are basically dating and people, including your partner, wonder if you are a couple. I don't think it is appropriate and wouldn't expect the partner to tolerate that. It's not always about trust. If they are just regular, opposite sex friends, no problem!! 1
mike_89 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 My ex didn't just suggest that sort of stuff, she literally told me to break contact with some of my female friends. I told her that it wasn't happening, and that I would continue to see them regularly. It's completely unreasonable to expect people to stop contacting their friends just because there's a relationship now. 1
kismetkismet Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 It's tough i think because it's sort of a case by case basis thing. My best friend is a guy and we talk every day and know everything about each other and that sort of thing. But i think it's pretty obvious to everyone around us that there's nothing romantic between us at all. My boyfriend can actually be pretty jealous sometimes, but he’s not threatened by my guy friend at all. They really like each other and we all get along well as a group. My last boyfriend though had several female friends and a couple of them bothered me while others didn’t at all. With 2 there was a definite strange/romantic boundary issue/flirtation between them, and my gut instinct ended up being right about that. It all has to do with what each of you is comfortable with. You can’t really demand that a person not be friends with someone and expect them not to resent you and feel controlled – even if you’re right about their relationship crossing some minor boundaries (as you see it). If you guys are on the same level emotionally, and have the same ideas about what relationships and friendships should be, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If you aren’t, then the problems are larger than that one specific friend of theirs. I realize now that my ex that had some boundary issues and I were incompatible. His feelings about the boundaries of a relationship were just part of a larger incompatibility – we wanted different things from the relationship and saw relationships differently. 1
GR4 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Not really an issue in general but as someone else pointed out it can be on a case by case basis. Friends with an ex is a different story. I would never date a girl that was friends with an ex.
guest569 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Before I settled down a little and started being more of a relationship type guy, I was often that male friend that a lot of girls have. I was having some kind of sex with most of my female friends. Usually, when the girl met a guy and they became serious, she would lie to him and say that her and I were strictly platonic. That way, he would seem jealous and controlling if he took issue with her calling or texting me. Now that I'm usually in a relationship, I think opposite sex friends are a tricky situation. A lot of people on here are going to talk about how they have had these friends before they met their SO, and that new SO had better just learn to deal with the opposite sex friends. I think that's unfair to the SO. Sure, I still have some female friends, but when I am in a relationship, my friendship with those ladies gets dialed down significantly. Sure, she might be on my Facebook, and I might even get the occasional text from her, but I don't invite her to my place for drinks, we don't go out and see movies together, we don't talk every day, and I definitely don't tell her about any relationship issues I might have. I have found that by doing those things, any new woman I date doesn't usually have a problem with any female friends. It's about boundaries and respect. This is perfect! Respect and boundaries! Well said. I broke up with someone who didn't get this concept it's sad because this was the ONLY issue we had. There were no boundaries at all, she just charged into our relationship, destroyed it, and he let her. If you are very close with the opposite sex friend, it definitely needs to be dialed down if you want to maintain a relationship. Even if your significant other is not a jealous type, they won't appreciate being shoved aside and made 2nd best woman/man. There needs to be a clear distinction between the friend and the partner. 1
guest569 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 It all has to do with what each of you is comfortable with. You can’t really demand that a person not be friends with someone and expect them not to resent you and feel controlled – even if you’re right about their relationship crossing some minor boundaries (as you see it). If you guys are on the same level emotionally, and have the same ideas about what relationships and friendships should be, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If you aren’t, then the problems are larger than that one specific friend of theirs. I realize now that my ex that had some boundary issues and I were incompatible. His feelings about the boundaries of a relationship were just part of a larger incompatibility – we wanted different things from the relationship and saw relationships differently. I agree with this, it is a case by case thing and depends on how everyone is feeling and what the dynamic is. When the boundaries are crossed, not cool. I think this is what it all came down to with my relationship's downfall. Different ideas of what a friendship is and what a relationship is. Different idea about what boundaries are. 1
sunking101 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 The worst thing is when a SO takes a 'like it or lump it' attitude to them having opp-sex friends. If boundaries are being overstepped and a usually non-jealous partner feels they're being unduly stressed then it's not fair to spiel the usual "they were here before you were and will remain long after you've gone" mantra. Either you show your SO respect and commitment or you stay single and stick with your posse of boundary issue opp-sex 'friends'. I have no problem with fringe mates of the opposite sex but when they're contacting my SO daily and often multiple times daily then I feel like boundaries aren't being respected, and I'm not being respected. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 If neither person has any attraction at all, and it's a genuine friendship that's awesome. But what's been known to happen? 1) One person is hiding their true feelings and pretends to be OK w/friendship. Then they eventually blindside the person. 2) "Let's just be friends" is used as a rejection and the person stays in the "friendship" pining away hoping the other person will change their mind. 1
phineas Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 I have one female friend I go out to bars with when she is in town. We've slept together yrs ago when we first dated for a few weeks and it didn't work out. have not done anything since. All my other women friends i've slept with at least once and when it became clear they didn't want to date but "just have fun" when it fit their schedule I stopped spending time alone with them. So I, for the most part only spend time alone with women i'm dating so having women friends isn't an issue for me because all the rest are strictly group situations. Most respectful people KNOW it is inappropriate to hang out alone with friends of the opposite sex so it has never been an issue for me with good women.
seamos Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 This may have already been covered, if so I apologize. I trust my wife and have no problem w/ her having male friends, however, I don't necessarily trust the male friends intentions as much as I trust my wife. Therefore, even tho I trust her, if she had a male friend who obviously wanted more then I would feel disrespected if she were to keep that friendship. 1
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