I'm not sure who should apologize.

[Tis]

Last night my boyfriend slept on the sofa and left me to sleep alone.

 

We had his mother over for dinner. I hate his mother but it seemed to go okay as far as the reactions between his mother and I.

Only halfway threw her visit my boyfriend started to complain that she and his father were always easier on his little brother than they were him. I immediately told him to stop it and not ruin the visit.

 

After she left he really went on to complain that she never treated him fairly some more. I told him that he needs to get over it by now because he is 40 and that I don't know why he is gripeing at me about it.

Then went on to complain about more things that deal with his family and teen years and I told him most of it boiled down to the fact he doesn't respect his elders.

 

He really got mad because I pointed out that he is still not respectful to his elders or superiors and told me he just is "not going to listen to that."

 

Today he text me and asked me to lunch and I told him I wasn't hungry and he said nothing else.

 

Should I apologize for dismissing the fact that he is still angry about mild teen problems or should I request an apology from him?

 

And yes before you point it out, yes our behavior was very immature.

[losangelena]

I would assume that he probably feels like you're taking his mom's/parents' side in all this.

 

If I were him, I'd be bothered by that, too. If I had issues with my family, I would want my partner to be supportive—not in a coddling way, necessarily, but it would bother me if a BF just told me to get over it and that I was "disrespecting my elders."

 

He wants to be listened to, not scolded.

 

If he really has legit grievances, then he should really go see a therapist or counselor about those things. You don't need to bear the brunt of it all, certainly.

 

I think you should really apologize to each other. You may need to be the bigger person and do it first, though. Reach out to him. Don't just decline his offers for lunch. Bridge the chasm.

[jen1447]

Sounds like you should both apologize for being a little bullheaded. He wasn't really debating w/you, he was just venting, so you should take that for what it is and just listen, not get academic about whether his points are sound or not.

 

That said it does sound like he's a little juvenile to be preoccupied about parental 'unfairness' at 40. He should know better than to get bent out of shape about that and shouldn't use you as a complaint processing department.

[bathtub-row]

I think you should've been more supportive of him and should not have corrected him in front of his mom. I think you're the one who owes him an apology.

[Tis]

I think you should've been more supportive of him and should not have corrected him in front of his mom. I think you're the one who owes him an apology.

 

I didn't correct him in front of his mother I just told him we need to change the subject. His mother is old and very stressed she doesn't need to be invited to dinner to be stressed more over something that was 20 years ago.

[StormyEyes]

Childhood wounds run deep and are hard to overcome. While you are correct in that he needs to let that stuff go, it is much easier said than done. I would have tried to show some empathy for him and talked about it after she left rather than scolding him. You aren't his parent, you are his partner.

 

A therapist would be helpful, but you could also try acknowledging his feelings. Sometimes all people need is to be heard and validated. Then perhaps you two could work together to find some strategies to help him move past the old psychic wounds.

[Methodical]

How long have you dated?

[GemmaUK]

He needs some therapy or to grow some balls IMO.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

 

A subject from that long ago he should have worked on by now if he finds it that upsetting.

[TunaCat]

You did nothing wrong.

 

He does need to get over it. You're absolutely RIGHT about that, and I would have said the same thing. Then again, I'm definitely a call it as I see it kinda woman.

 

Sorry I don't think that just because you're a couple you ALWAYS have to back him up. Especially when he's being so juvenile.

[d0nnivain]

I was kind of with you until you rejected the olive branch he offered by asking you to lunch. Food wasn't on the menu; feeding both your souls through a repair of the rift was & you blew it.

 

He needed to vent. That obligated you to listen, not correct, not fix, just listen. Later not in the heat of the moment, these things could be raised again by you because they need to be addressed if he has a habit of self sabotaging behaviors but last night wasn't the time.

 

So I think you need to apologize for not being supportive & for being stubborn today over the lunch invitation.

[LostOnes05]

You both should apologize. Speaking from experience, lingering family issues can be quite a lot to deal with especially when the issue isn't taken seriously by the alleged offender or those who are supposed to support the offended person. So talk with him about it and offer some suggestions (besides get over it) in a loving manner. In return ask that he approach you in the same manner. If he is still upset about it, have him write down how he feels and how he can best cope with those feelings of resentment. But bottom line is be supportive...tell the truth...but be supportive.

 

Counseling would probably be the best option!!

[preraph]

I certainly understand having lifelong issues with parents, but I have to say that if it's reached the point where you can't get through a once every 6 months dinner without quarreling, you should just stop being around them. It's bad enough that parents get old and lose their filters when they get senile and start telling you everything that's on their mind, from how fat you are to how you never were as interesting as your sibling, but you certainly don't need to start that ball rolling yourself if there's no immediate issue at hand to force you to. If he can't at least try to the polite, he shouldn't keep being around her. I don't doubt this is a real issue for him, but at 40, making her elderly, it's probably way too late to work through it, so a truce is best.

 

Tell him you regret not supporting him more AFTER she left, but that you still feel he needs to be polite, especially since you are there having to cope with her as well.

[joseb]

It's very easy for those who didn't have a bad childhood to tell others to just get over it. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea how deep those early wounds go.

He will probably always have issues with his mum. Now he has a gf taking her side, telling him to get over it, etc.

I know in his situation I'd probably be tempted to call quits on the relationship, as it's only going to make him feel worse about everything.

[Buddhist]

Only halfway threw her visit my boyfriend started to complain that she and his father were always easier on his little brother than they were him. I immediately told him to stop it and not ruin the visit.

 

Well, hello mom! :roll eyes: Can you not see you are behaving exactly like his mother?

 

After she left he really went on to complain that she never treated him fairly some more. I told him that he needs to get over it by now because he is 40 and that I don't know why he is gripeing at me about it.

 

Yep, keep invalidating his feelings. That's a sure-fire way to start burning a relationship with your significant other. Would you like it if your BF invalidated your feelings whenever you opened up to him? No I didn't think so.

 

He really got mad because I pointed out that he is still not respectful to his elders or superiors and told me he just is "not going to listen to that." {/quote]

 

Well when you sound like his mother he is naturally going to act like a child.

 

Today he text me and asked me to lunch and I told him I wasn't hungry and he said nothing else.

 

And when he realised his error and tried to get the relationship back on track you give him the with-holding silent treatment.

 

Why don't you realise that instead of parenting your BF, realise that during these times he is just blowing off steam and listen without judgement? It's not for you to decide how valid or not his feelings are. They're his feelings. All you did is reflect his parents attitudes back at him, that will kill your relationship. Once he psychologically starts viewing you as his mother the relationship is dead in the water.

 

You are his partner not his parent, unless of course you'd like to have the same difficult relationship with him that his hatable overbearing mother has with him. Think about it.

[burnt]

Should I apologize for dismissing the fact that he is still angry about mild teen problems or should I request an apology from him?

 

The things that have gone wrong in early childhood or teen years leave behind long lasting effects on the rest of our lives. The issues that he is angry about might be minor mundane problems, but if he is still angry about them at 40 then that should tell you that for whatever reason he is still somehow being affected by those experiences after all these years--meaning the actual events might be mild, but not the effects.

 

When someone is venting about unresolved issues going back to that many years, the last thing, the worst thing they need to hear is something invalidating, judgmental, and dismissive.

 

When YOU are upset/angry about something, and when you choose to confide in your partner with trust and openness, you wouldn't want your partner to analyze whether or not your anger has a rational justification, but rather you would want him to be supportive--that means listening with empathy and without judgement.

 

If he's still angry that means all his concerns were dismissed by his parents; now getting dismissed by you on top only adds more salt to the still unhealed wound.

 

So, I think you should apologize to him.

[burnt]

It's very easy for those who didn't have a bad childhood to tell others to just get over it. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea how deep those early wounds go.

He will probably always have issues with his mum. Now he has a gf taking her side, telling him to get over it, etc.

I know in his situation I'd probably be tempted to call quits on the relationship, as it's only going to make him feel worse about everything.

 

^^^This 1000%. Well said.

[frus69]

He needs some therapy or to grow some balls IMO.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

 

A subject from that long ago he should have worked on by now if he finds it that upsetting.

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

He does need to get over it. You're absolutely RIGHT about that, and I would have said the same thing. Then again, I'm definitely a call it as I see it kinda woman.

 

Sorry I don't think that just because you're a couple you ALWAYS have to back him up. Especially when he's being so juvenile.

Do you know this bf? Do you know what his issue is with his mother? Who are you to say its "just an issue from that long ago" and "its juvenile to not get over it?"

[preraph]

Remember that the best way to get someone to listen to you as you make your point is to first reiterate that you heard and have taken in their point and make any affirmative comment, if possible, you can about it in the way of sympathy. And THEN you can launch into the finer points of why it was adolescent.

[basil67]

It's interesting that you hate his mother but tell him to get over his own issues regarding her.

 

When you stop hating her, then perhaps you'll be qualified to give advice.

[Buddhist]

It's very easy for those who didn't have a bad childhood to tell others to just get over it. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea how deep those early wounds go.

He will probably always have issues with his mum. Now he has a gf taking her side, telling him to get over it, etc.

I know in his situation I'd probably be tempted to call quits on the relationship, as it's only going to make him feel worse about everything.

 

Thank you. It's all very well for people who haven't needed to deal with this kind of stuff to just write it off as trivial. It needs to be said, often people carry stuff from their childhood for decades without ever connecting the dots or even being consciously aware of it. Jesus I'm 44 and only just unravelling the train wreck which was my childhood. It's not so much that I faced physical abuse or anything like that but I do have a self destruct sequence going off inside of me that's taken me decades to figure out where it came from.

 

The most disappointing thing of all is that society considers that because your parent didn't kill, rape or maim you that you should be grateful to them instead. It actively discourages people from connecting the dots and then getting the assistance they need to overcome it.

 

The worst aspect of this situation is here we have a man, feeling safe enough to express his emotions in front of his woman and she shuts him down and scolds him like a child. Really? Not only that but she continues on the emotional abuse by giving him the silent treatment for his 'slip'. This is a situation he will not soon forget. I really hope you don't ever want your man being emotionally open with you because I'm sorry to say it will probably never happen again in any context.

 

Society really does castrate the ability of half the world's population to ever develop in this area because it's considered 'unmanly' to do so. The comment about him needing to grow some balls is the epitome of such attitudes. That a man isn't allowed to his emotional state merely because he's a man.

 

What the OP's BF is complaining about is no different to someone coming home from the office and complaining about a boss showing favouritism. It's only frowned upon here because an elderly mother is involved and we all know that no-one should upset mommy dearest. He hasn't been heard on the issue for 40 odd years and it looks like he's not going to heard on it now either. Any wonder he can't build a bridge.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think you should apologize OP.

 

I can completely understand not wanting to engage in a discussion about family problems over dinner, but I feel the way you handled it was very dismissive and disrespectful. It sounds to me like he was just looking for an ear to listen, and you brushed it off and told him to get over it. Ouch.

 

When he tried to make peace, you again brushed him off. I don't understand your thinking behind that, other than to prove your point and gain the upper-hand. It's become a power struggle rather than a problem-solving opportunity.

 

How do you expect him to feel comfortable talking to you when you minimize what he's telling you, and judge his feelings as minor and inconsequential?

[Tribble]

You shouldn't ask him for an apology. What's the point? Even if you got it, it would be insincere. And you should only apologise if you really mean it. Even if you think you're right, if you're sorry for how you handled it, you can apologise about that. Regardless, you both need to talk about the issue calmly. Even if neither of you say sorry, you need to come to an agreement about how to address the issues. If he wants to vent, does he want you to just let him get it out? Do you both come to an agreement that you don't discuss such things over dinner with his mother? etc. If you don't want to do that, you just want an apology, I don't see there being much distance in this relationship.

[burnt]

Thank you. It's all very well for people who haven't needed to deal with this kind of stuff to just write it off as trivial. It needs to be said, often people carry stuff from their childhood for decades without ever connecting the dots or even being consciously aware of it. Jesus I'm 44 and only just unravelling the train wreck which was my childhood. It's not so much that I faced physical abuse or anything like that but I do have a self destruct sequence going off inside of me that's taken me decades to figure out where it came from.

 

The most disappointing thing of all is that society considers that because your parent didn't kill, rape or maim you that you should be grateful to them instead. It actively discourages people from connecting the dots and then getting the assistance they need to overcome it.

 

The worst aspect of this situation is here we have a man, feeling safe enough to express his emotions in front of his woman and she shuts him down and scolds him like a child. Really? Not only that but she continues on the emotional abuse by giving him the silent treatment for his 'slip'. This is a situation he will not soon forget. I really hope you don't ever want your man being emotionally open with you because I'm sorry to say it will probably never happen again in any context.

 

Society really does castrate the ability of half the world's population to ever develop in this area because it's considered 'unmanly' to do so. The comment about him needing to grow some balls is the epitome of such attitudes. That a man isn't allowed to his emotional state merely because he's a man.

 

What the OP's BF is complaining about is no different to someone coming home from the office and complaining about a boss showing favouritism. It's only frowned upon here because an elderly mother is involved and we all know that no-one should upset mommy dearest. He hasn't been heard on the issue for 40 odd years and it looks like he's not going to heard on it now either. Any wonder he can't build a bridge.

 

A truly thoughtful, insightful, and beautiful post, Buddhist.

[tayriley]

 

After she left he really went on to complain that she never treated him fairly some more. I told him that he needs to get over it by now because he is 40 and that I don't know why he is gripeing at me about it.

Then went on to complain about more things that deal with his family and teen years and I told him most of it boiled down to the fact he doesn't respect his elders.

 

Should I apologize for dismissing the fact that he is still angry about mild teen problems or should I request an apology from him?

 

 

Your choice of words are very telling. You repeatedly minimize and undercut his experience when you cannot possibly know what he went through. This signifies you have a severe lack of empathy for him. This could be for one of two reasons. Either, 1) you are somewhat of a sociopath, or 2) you went through a lot as a child yourself but actively ignore your experience instead of dealing or talking about it.

 

Your bf came to you, someone he trusts, to speak about something he probably never gets a chance to because it is so personal. and instead of hugging him and saying, 'it's ok, i understand,' you act like it's a big burden that he would confide in you.

 

Think of it this way- if you were having cocktails with a friend and they told you this about THEIR childhood, would you say to them, 'UGH, stop complaining about your past, it's SO ANNOYING'??? or would you sit and listen to them, and try to sympathize with them, and realize that now you know this person better because of what they've told you? this person has allowed you into their personal thoughts out of trust and regard for you...if you shun them or shut them down, it is clearly an indication of you being a bad friend.

 

now back to your bf- it is slightly different with a significant other because sometimes you are the ONLY person they confide in, so it gets hard when they repeat the same things over and over. if this is happening with him (dont know how long you've dated, but i am talking about seeing this behavior after a year or so), then kindly suggest he should talk to a therapist or counselor about it because it might make him happier if he understood and dealt with the emotions and also learn mechanisms to not let his mother reignite the pain from his past.

 

tell him that you APPRECIATE that he feels safe enough to confide in you, but that you are not a professional and don't really know what to say or do to make him feel better about his past. suggest that a professional could make a huge difference in helping him let go of the past so that his present can be happier.