Does love even exist?

[ForeverAlone2016]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am sure we have all questioned the above mentioned question at some point in our lives.

 

I have been in two serious (long term) relationships and in both of those relationships I have either been cheated on, disrespected or emotionally and verbally abused by him and his loved ones. I have only recently ended my second long term relationship and its difficult. He is already actively looking for new love on social media by adding very attractive women. This clearly shows I meant nothing to him, despite him promising the world to me.

 

I don't like to date for fun. It takes a lot for me to trust someone and open up to someone (fellow introverts will relate), but I am losing all hope. It feels like I am being used and abused each time I give my heart to someone.

 

I am really considering living alone for the foreseeable future. I don't think I can trust someone again.

 

How does one get their self esteem back after failing at love?

 

Sorry if this has turned into a bit of rant.

 

xx

[mikeylo]

Start from yourself. Forget about guys and dating , completely. Do things that you like. Work on yourself.

 

I promise you , love will hit and the right guy will come along when you least expect it.

[gimlynick]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am sure we have all questioned the above mentioned question at some point in our lives.

 

I have been in two serious (long term) relationships and in both of those relationships I have either been cheated on, disrespected or emotionally and verbally abused by him and his loved ones. I have only recently ended my second long term relationship and its difficult. He is already actively looking for new love on social media by adding very attractive women. This clearly shows I meant nothing to him, despite him promising the world to me.

 

I don't like to date for fun. It takes a lot for me to trust someone and open up to someone (fellow introverts will relate), but I am losing all hope. It feels like I am being used and abused each time I give my heart to someone.

 

I am really considering living alone for the foreseeable future. I don't think I can trust someone again.

 

How does one get their self esteem back after failing at love?

 

Sorry if this has turned into a bit of rant.

 

xx

 

Hey, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

1) yes, love exists. You both were deeply in love. Only problem: people can also fall out of love. And it sucks!

2) It's really hard to take distance of someone who has abused you or has cheated on you. But it's possible. With time you will understand this.

3) This is the moment to start working on yourself. Make an even better person of yourself then you allready are.

4) You probably have had two unstable boyfriends, who don't know how to cope with certain situation and then just cheat or abuse on you. They are not mature and maybe never will be. If he is allready looking for someone new, that maybe means that this is his way of coping with the situation.

5) Stay single for a while. One day someone will come into your life. Don't look for it. It will come. Enjoy the single life, it has lots to offer aswell!

Be a little bit more selfish now, this is the moment to do things that you couldn't do with your ex.

 

Enjoy life, go NC, they don't deserve a second chance if cheating or abuse was in the game. Once a cheater, allways a cheater.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

Lay fewer eggs at the altar of others and, for the ones chosen to lay, lay them freely and without expectation.

[JuanDelToro]

Let's say that you're in a basketball court. You stand at the free throw line with a ball in your hands. You aim and shoot with the intention to score a basket. You miss the first throw and you miss the second one as well. Now, let me ask you this. Is it sensible to believe that you will never be able to score because you missed the first two times, put the ball down and walk away?

I want to believe that you would agree that the sensible thing to do is to keep throwing the ball, knowing that it's just a matter of time before you make the basket.

Of course with every throw you become better, further improving your chances to score.

 

Love is like that. We keep trying our chances until we find it.

Relationship failures are purposefully there to help us understand what is it that we truly seek and grant us with clarity to identify it when it comes our way.

[Giggles666]

I see "love" as something that depends on what someone means as opposed to what we are all taught.

 

Sure I love and care for my family and friends, sure I have had chemical reactions of attraction we call falling in love, then there is being in love etc etc.

 

I think the problem is some of us have varying definitions and understanding of "love" in a romantic or attraction sense.

 

It seems to me this love we look for is some kind of magic, it changes, it has twists and turns, it can be awesome it can be terrible and unfortunately in movies, society and in general is taught to us as some kind of awesome magic, and some folks look for that.

 

All that being said, I don't honestly know...not to sound corny, but what is love?

 

//I don't like to date for fun. It takes a lot for me to trust someone and open up to someone (fellow introverts will relate), but I am losing all hope. It feels like I am being used and abused each time I give my heart to someone.//

 

I understand this quite well. It gets very tiresome after a while also.

[Buddhist]

How does one get their self esteem back after failing at love?

 

Everyone fails at love. Because 'love' in the common way most people understand it isn't love at all. It's two ego's seeing their own wants and desires in another person. But the problem is someone's ego can't appreciate you, it must devalue you, in order to believe in it's own worth. That's why all relationships of this nature turn sour with at least one partner doing something that displays extreme selfishness (egotism). Ego's lie they manipulate and they promise you the world when they mean absolutely none of it.

 

The longer any relationship goes on, the stronger the hold of the ego and the more likely this devaluing will be pursued by one or both partners. You are lucky you have seen this pattern in only 2 relationships. Most people take 5 or 6 before they realise it's always going to go this way.

 

The key is to stop trying to find 'the one' and to start relating to people on some level other than that. More difficult to achieve than the extremely lazy way of just 'falling in love' with someone then watching it crash and burn. But if it was easy we wouldn't value it nor would it be the holy grail everyone seeks.

 

If you want to pick your self esteem up, then you need to find some intimacy with yourself first. Most people believe they know themselves, but they don't. What they are familiar with is the facade they call their personality which they believe to be who they are. It isn't. It's a facade. Very few people ever know the real person underneath all of that.

 

If you want someone to relate to your facade, by all means keep dating, keep believing that one day you will find the one person who will love it forever. But that road leads nowhere.

[SammySammy]

Love does exist, but I believe it's rare. In today's dating world, I think much of what we call love is actually lust or infatuation.

 

How to get self-esteem back?

 

I have to realize that I am whole and complete within myself. What others do is not a reflection of me. I'm only responsible for what I think, say and do. Realizing that, I then go out into the world giving it the best version of myself. Because I am absolutely certain that I have value and purpose. That through giving the best of myself, I can impact the world in a positive and uplifting way.

[ForeverAlone2016]

Thank you everyone.

 

He has tried calling me but I am fighting the urge to pick up and answer.

 

I have my moments where I just break down but I know this relationship does not have a bright future.

 

I have decided to date myself. I hope this allows me to get closure within myself. It won't be easy because I miss him terribly, but I will put myself first.

[Hoosfoos]

No. It's just a reaction to neurotransmitters and hormones.

[ForeverAlone2016]

I understand that completely. I can't bare the idea of even talking to a new guy anymore. I am happy with my solitude and I don't want that to change. At least I know that I can never hurt myself.

[NTV]

Love is something that is built brick by brick.

 

 

Based on what you've described on your last two relationships, you sound like you could have a few traits of co-dependence. I heard there were books that help with that like 'co-dependent no more' and the like, but can't say if that'll help.

 

 

The loss of any serious relationship is devastating (normally), so you aren't alone in feeling like you do. There's no rush to be in a relationship, to get married, to have kids, family etc. That stuff will come if you want it. And sometimes even if you don't but fail to take the precautions to prevent it.

 

 

Like in Jurassic Park, 'life will find a way' lol.

So what will help with the negative vibes? Try thinking about all the things you like but put off because he didn't. Sushi? shopping? chick flicks? whatever it was that you put on the backburner, brush that off and go have a blast!

You might find that what you gave up wasn't worth giving up. Which is just as valuable a lesson as anything my dumba** has said.

 

 

Good luck!

[Damaged217]

I agree with the consensus here of you working on yourself and doing you. The old adage of accepting the kind of love that you think you deserve is pretty true. Once you truly love yourself, you will not put up with any type of disrespect and men will sense this upon meeting you. This will help weed out some of the bad ones. You also just have to be more careful in regards to who you give your love to. You kind of have to be ready for love, but not expecting it. I think when you are actively searching out your "soul mate", that can lead to you forcing relationships with guys who aren't really good partners for you. (not YOU, but people, in general). I know you're feeling pretty pessimistic right now. Every one feels this way after a break up. It's natural. . but I can tell you from experience, that love is out there. Listen, my last 3 serious relationships all ended badly. Every single one of them cheated on me. You can imagine how I felt after all of this. I had the same state of mind of not wanting to try anymore..on just giving up on relationships and love.

 

Things ended with the last ex in February and I hopped on Tinder in March because I just wanted to meet a random nobody to help me forget about my ex. I was only looking for a FWB situation. I was done with love. I thought it was all BS. I didn't think I could EVER trust anyone again. Lo and behold, I end up meeting my current BF. He was in the same situation of having given up on love and wasn't looking for anything serious either. Sparks flew when we met and I knew immediately that this was a great guy and that he was going to be someone very important to me. He treats me like a princess and is everything I've ever wanted in a man. Although my gut and his actions tell me that I can trust him, prior experience has me taking things slow with him. And I think that's the way to go. Just work on yourself and learn from your mistakes. You'll find love when you least expect it. When you learn to be happy on your own, I think you'll be open to the idea of love again. You'll see. And I think sometimes we have to be hurt to really appreciate the right man when he comes along.

[Grumpybutfun]

Love is an action verb, the emotion euphoria (oxytocin) at the receiving of those actions are what people often mistake for the word love. Love is what you do, not what you feel. Therefore when you accept that oxytocin is secreted in the hypothalamus you understand in order for you to receive it, the other person must show with deeds, kindness, thoughtfulness, passion and compassion their intent towards you.

Learning to reject those incapable of loving you by only acting on their own insecurities, former rejections, childhood neglect or abuse saves you many years of floundering around feeling as though you can't believe in deeds and positive intent being available to you. You just have to learn how to fix your internal struggles first to attract someone whose positive intent matches yours.

I love my wife everyday by being supportive, respectful, faithful, passionate about her, helpful, and kind. After all, I want her to secrete oxytocin when I am around her so she feels euphoric. It has worked for us both for twenty two years.

Best,

Grumps

[ydb_xo]

Everyone fails at love. Because 'love' in the common way most people understand it isn't love at all. It's two ego's seeing their own wants and desires in another person. But the problem is someone's ego can't appreciate you, it must devalue you, in order to believe in it's own worth. That's why all relationships of this nature turn sour with at least one partner doing something that displays extreme selfishness (egotism). Ego's lie they manipulate and they promise you the world when they mean absolutely none of it.

 

The longer any relationship goes on, the stronger the hold of the ego and the more likely this devaluing will be pursued by one or both partners. You are lucky you have seen this pattern in only 2 relationships. Most people take 5 or 6 before they realise it's always going to go this way.

 

The key is to stop trying to find 'the one' and to start relating to people on some level other than that. More difficult to achieve than the extremely lazy way of just 'falling in love' with someone then watching it crash and burn. But if it was easy we wouldn't value it nor would it be the holy grail everyone seeks.

 

If you want to pick your self esteem up, then you need to find some intimacy with yourself first. Most people believe they know themselves, but they don't. What they are familiar with is the facade they call their personality which they believe to be who they are. It isn't. It's a facade. Very few people ever know the real person underneath all of that.

 

If you want someone to relate to your facade, by all means keep dating, keep believing that one day you will find the one person who will love it forever. But that road leads nowhere.

 

awesome feedback<3

[ydb_xo]

Love is an action verb, the emotion euphoria (oxytocin) at the receiving of those actions are what people often mistake for the word love. Love is what you do, not what you feel. Therefore when you accept that oxytocin is secreted in the hypothalamus you understand in order for you to receive it, the other person must show with deeds, kindness, thoughtfulness, passion and compassion their intent towards you.

Learning to reject those incapable of loving you by only acting on their own insecurities, former rejections, childhood neglect or abuse saves you many years of floundering around feeling as though you can't believe in deeds and positive intent being available to you. You just have to learn how to fix your internal struggles first to attract someone whose positive intent matches yours.

I love my wife everyday by being supportive, respectful, faithful, passionate about her, helpful, and kind. After all, I want her to secrete oxytocin when I am around her so she feels euphoric. It has worked for us both for twenty two years.

Best,

Grumps

 

great feedback<3

[Jabron1]

I tend to agree with the Smashing Pumpkins song:

 

 

"Love, it's who you know".

[ForeverAlone2016]

I thought my ex was my soul mate. We were best friends. He was so romantic. He organised the best dates and treated me like an absolute princess.

 

However, there was a dark side and it took me a while to see that. When he became angry, he would become very very abusive. He name called me, accused me of harassing him (I called a day after we broke up to talk, and he accused me of this) in front of everyone and dumped me in front of his family. I have had a few explosive episodes with him where he was yelling 'get the **** out of my car' on top of his lungs in the middle of a parking lot in a busy shopping complex.

 

I just don't understand how can someone be so perfect and abusive at the same time? I guess I am scared that I will never get the good aspects of him in any other guy. It makes me second guess my reason for walking away, but I know I don't deserve the way he treats me. He accuses me of leaving him and not fighting for our relationship. It kills me inside, but what should I be fighting for? I always thought respect was a pre-requisite in a relationship.

 

I am putting on a brave face, trying to focus on myself, but the moments when I am alone are the hardest. This forum is the only place I vent, because I don't like showing others my vulnerable side. But really I am breaking inside. I am trying to divert my mind and focus on other things, but it is so difficult. How does everyone do it? How do you get rid of the emptiness?

[Damaged217]

I thought my ex was my soul mate. We were best friends. He was so romantic. He organised the best dates and treated me like an absolute princess.

 

However, there was a dark side and it took me a while to see that. When he became angry, he would become very very abusive. He name called me, accused me of harassing him (I called a day after we broke up to talk, and he accused me of this) in front of everyone and dumped me in front of his family. I have had a few explosive episodes with him where he was yelling 'get the **** out of my car' on top of his lungs in the middle of a parking lot in a busy shopping complex.

 

I just don't understand how can someone be so perfect and abusive at the same time? I guess I am scared that I will never get the good aspects of him in any other guy. It makes me second guess my reason for walking away, but I know I don't deserve the way he treats me. He accuses me of leaving him and not fighting for our relationship. It kills me inside, but what should I be fighting for? I always thought respect was a pre-requisite in a relationship.

 

I am putting on a brave face, trying to focus on myself, but the moments when I am alone are the hardest. This forum is the only place I vent, because I don't like showing others my vulnerable side. But really I am breaking inside. I am trying to divert my mind and focus on other things, but it is so difficult. How does everyone do it? How do you get rid of the emptiness?

 

Please do NOT second guess your decision! He was not perfect if he was being abusive. No one is perfect. With guys like this, things only get worse. Be glad you got out when you did. Imagine being married and having kids with this guy and THEN discovering this dark side to him. There are plenty of guys out there still that know how to treat women right. You just have to treat yourself right and have some standards and weed the guys out based on those standards. I am proud of you for leaving this verbally abusive guy. You are absolutely right in saying that you do not deserve any of that.

 

You get rid of the emptiness by filling those voids with things that make you happy. What works for me is putting myself in situations where I get some great laughs in whether that be watching my favorite comedies or hanging out with my hilarious friends. You will heal in time. Just focus on you and do whatever you did that made you happy before you entered a relationship. And if you find yourself missing your ex, do NOT think of the good times. Only focus on all of the wrongs this guy made. Imagine a lifetime of him screaming at you and putting you down. I truly believe that everyone enters your life for a reason and also exits it for a reason. Use this experience to learn and to grow. You'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but give it time.

[PrettyEmily77]

I just don't understand how can someone be so perfect and abusive at the same time?

 

Because he wasn't perfect?

 

I mean no one is perfect anyway but in this case, the abuse part kind of seals the deal without any ambiguity, I think. Love and abuse don't mix together well long-term, in my experience.

 

Next guy will hopefully be a step up, OP.

[Cherryz]

Trow everything away. And start again with being single for a year or as much as you need.

Work on your self esteem.(its a lifetime thing)but start so it can keep growing.

 

Read self help books, do your hobbys and practice and improve in them helps alot

also for ones self esteem.

Read christian books about what love is and about dating etc.

 

Learn to love yourself first before looking for others to love you.

Find out your worth as a person and what are your norms and values and live by them.

 

And you been true sadly enough abuse . Use this as a knowledge that you have now and be smarter in choosing people you date.

Know to recognize the signs early.

Abusers like girls with low self esteem or with no friends. Or if you have they will try to isolate you

I understand the introvert thing. But some behavior are just to be learn/practice.

And not healthy to keep them.

Learn to speak up, and to say no! and to stand your ground.also to walk away from

people or things that are bad for you.

True love do exist!!!!!!!!!

I seen married people that are soulmates and that really love each other.

 

While you single, get to know yourself and work on your self esteem, do charity work,travel, educate yourself etc.

Make enjoying life more important then looking for a bf all the time.

Before you know the right guy will find you.

 

Ps: Stop looking at exes profiles on the internet and start moving on!

[ForeverAlone2016]

Please do NOT second guess your decision! He was not perfect if he was being abusive. No one is perfect. With guys like this, things only get worse. Be glad you got out when you did. Imagine being married and having kids with this guy and THEN discovering this dark side to him. There are plenty of guys out there still that know how to treat women right. You just have to treat yourself right and have some standards and weed the guys out based on those standards. I am proud of you for leaving this verbally abusive guy. You are absolutely right in saying that you do not deserve any of that.

 

You get rid of the emptiness by filling those voids with things that make you happy. What works for me is putting myself in situations where I get some great laughs in whether that be watching my favorite comedies or hanging out with my hilarious friends. You will heal in time. Just focus on you and do whatever you did that made you happy before you entered a relationship. And if you find yourself missing your ex, do NOT think of the good times. Only focus on all of the wrongs this guy made. Imagine a lifetime of him screaming at you and putting you down. I truly believe that everyone enters your life for a reason and also exits it for a reason. Use this experience to learn and to grow. You'll be okay. Maybe not right now, but give it time.

 

I got told this multiple times. During my relationship after an explosive brawl, I would take time out and try to make it work. He would promise and we would be fine and happy. He always said that it was because of me that he became so abusive - that I pushed him to the edge. Our fights were not even about important things. Sometimes it got so bad, that I actually became physically sick. I worried constantly what it would be like if we had to share finances or kids. A few weeks or maybe months later, it would happen again. The frequency of the explosive arguments were closer when we lived in the same city. I am taking a stand now and doing what is best for myself. It seems selfish to him and his family, but I can't keep doing this anymore.

 

I miss him so much. It hurts because he was my best friend. A part of me will always love him. I have never had a relationship where I wasn't either cheated on or abused. I still cry everyday, but I know it will heal. But I am planning to stay single for a very long time now.

 

I have very little time to myself between work and studies, but I need to put myself first. Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely look into some of those things. I love watching comedies as well, they are so much better than series. I will be okay with time - at least that is what I keep telling myself.

[ForeverAlone2016]

There was no love there from his side for the past 3 years. Just found out that he is already out there flirting with new girls.

 

I can't even fathom talking to anyone else and he has already moved on. We were close to the marriage stage and I meant absolutely nothing!!!!!!

 

I can never trust another man again. Not after this experience.

[gemini6]

I hate Disney..Look, we have been taught since we were born that there is a great "love" out there for us, a "soulmate", "the one", another half, a happy ending..blah blah blah - the movies, the fairytales, Disney..they never show you what the marriage looks like 20 years down the road. why do think that is? There is no "happily ever after" -people think, and it's not really your fault because we have all been taught this our whole lives, that "love" is something you find, something that you can find and keep and forever be blessed with it in your life - it's not like that. It's constantly changing - it's there and it's gone, it comes and it goes...you can't grip it with both hands and hang on to it forever. - and love does NOT grow stronger with time - we all seem to think that if we are with someone for many years that "we made it" - no, I've seen 20 year, 30 year marriages go straight down the drain - because people wonder where the "love" went?? and search out something new in order to "find" that "love" again - the truth is, love feels so fabulous in the beginning and after about 2 years it fades - it will never feel as good as it did in the beginning - it's the chemicals of attraction. That's it. They fade. Love is action not magic, love is a way not a thing, it is a verb not a noun - you can't put your happiness on someone else's shoulders and expect them to keep you happily in love for the rest of your life - happiness and love is inside you - nowhere else, and it is your responsibility to keep love and happiness in your life - the sooner you figure this out, the happier you will be and the less you will be disappointed in others - see, it's not fair to put your happiness on someone else - it's an impossible task that you are giving them. It's on you and in you to keep yourself happy, don't look for it - it's there all the time.

[ForeverAlone2016]

I hate Disney..Look, we have been taught since we were born that there is a great "love" out there for us, a "soulmate", "the one", another half, a happy ending..blah blah blah - the movies, the fairytales, Disney..they never show you what the marriage looks like 20 years down the road. why do think that is? There is no "happily ever after" -people think, and it's not really your fault because we have all been taught this our whole lives, that "love" is something you find, something that you can find and keep and forever be blessed with it in your life - it's not like that. It's constantly changing - it's there and it's gone, it comes and it goes...you can't grip it with both hands and hang on to it forever. - and love does NOT grow stronger with time - we all seem to think that if we are with someone for many years that "we made it" - no, I've seen 20 year, 30 year marriages go straight down the drain - because people wonder where the "love" went?? and search out something new in order to "find" that "love" again - the truth is, love feels so fabulous in the beginning and after about 2 years it fades - it will never feel as good as it did in the beginning - it's the chemicals of attraction. That's it. They fade. Love is action not magic, love is a way not a thing, it is a verb not a noun - you can't put your happiness on someone else's shoulders and expect them to keep you happily in love for the rest of your life - happiness and love is inside you - nowhere else, and it is your responsibility to keep love and happiness in your life - the sooner you figure this out, the happier you will be and the less you will be disappointed in others - see, it's not fair to put your happiness on someone else - it's an impossible task that you are giving them. It's on you and in you to keep yourself happy, don't look for it - it's there all the time.

 

I do agree with this. I remember growing up playing with my dolls and the happily ever after was always prince charming. There was this perception that he would come and sweep me of my feet and we would live happily ever after. Reality is completely the opposite. Unfortunately, I fell for the facade in real life. My ex was exactly like prince charming with respect to the romance, compliments, dates and generally just being there for me. Thinking back on it, it may have been a facade. Real love (if it exists) is based on mutual respect, understanding and trust. Love will come and go throughout the relationship but if those foundations are lacking then there is no future for the relationship.