Anyone have difficulty dating bartenders or night club workers?

[Beachguy]

Well then you two need to sit down and discuss expectations and boundaries so it's fair for both of you.

 

 

**Gosh I just can't imagine telling my husband he can't go to a stag, or go away for a weekend with his buddies, can't go out for a beer or stop playing in a band at night because there's alcohol and women there too. Or expect him to call me every second he's going to be late. I don't freak out if he doesn't call....I know he will get home eventually. We have been together for over 26 years ........I don't think either of you are ready for marriage.

 

Maybe your right. Then again if my buddies wanted to hit a strip club. (Clients. ). She would be welcome to go and she would..she has. I deal with too much stress to worry about her well being at midnight. She's in love and doesn't want me to have some other woman try for me at all. Generally we are both so attractive people

[Emilia]

Thanks for your opinion. She's younger and intelligent very hard working. I'M sure she will be successful.

Surely the idea is to marry someone based on who they are today rather than on who they MIGHT become tomorrow? You asked so that's my view.

[Emilia]

She's in love and doesn't want me to have some other woman try for me at all. Generally we are both so attractive people

Jealousy is not an indicator of love, merely of insecurity and possessiveness.

[frus69]

Funny you say that. Real est is her career. It's slow and unsteady pay. But as time goes on that becomes a lucrative career. I'm even entertaining the idea of her phasing out the bar thing. But i know she likes to do it. May I ask why you wouldn't date a bartender

 

 

Am a girl so our prospective may be different.

 

 

A bartender is just not an attractive job because of the long hours, odd shifts, unsteady and probably low pay and most importantly, no where to go career wise. I respect all bartenders but I wouldn't want them to be my life partners.

 

 

Guys probably don't care if a girl has a career or not.

[Beachguy]

Jealousy is not an indicator of love, merely of insecurity and possessiveness.

 

 

 

We are best friends and maybe that has something to do with it. Like we are way into each other ..guess I'll see how it goes. She said she's going to stop the night shifts.

[tayriley]

 

As a husband I just won't allow it.

 

 

Advice criticism is welcome

 

I've read all your responses on this post so far. If you really want advice (and not just reiterating your opinion)--- You have serious trust and control issues. Your problem is not your gf working a night shift. You will find that even if she quit the night shift, there will be other things that bother you. Did that guy at the grocery store smile at her too long? Why does she know his name? Did the guy at Starbucks chat her up in line because he's been watching her for weeks? Why did her ex text her 'happy birthday'? Why didn't she tell you her ex texted?

 

I've seen a friend of mine have a relationship like this. He would call her repeatedly because he was so insecure that anytime she wasnt with him, she might be cheating. If she didnt answer the phone, she might be cheating.

 

It only keeps escalating. One day, I went over to his apartment for the first time, and she made pizza. I sat down on the couch and started eating when the two of them went into the bedroom. She came out and said, "we're leaving." What happened? He got mad at her for not fixing him a plate of food before sitting down and eating with me. That's not the end of it.

 

I follow my friend and her kid outside to the car. He follows us out, and rips her purse away from her (to get her keys to stop her from leaving), almost causing her to drop her kid. I got in his face and stared him down. Had I not been there, I do not now what violent thing could've happened.

 

I know what you are thinking- "that is not me"...and here is what I am saying- that is you if you keep up this controlling behavior- it only escalates. it never subsides. today it is urging her to quit her job, tomorrow it is telling her to stop hanging out with her single friends or any male friends, next year it'll be getting mad at her spending any time outside of the house...it never is enough because the hole you are trying to fill is endless. please speak to a therapist about this. do not keep paving the road to abuse without taking a good look at what you are asking of another person. if you truly loved and respected this person, you would not automatically believe that her staying for a drink after work equates to having sex with coworkers.

 

your suggestion that your job should pay for her would only make her more dependent on you- giving you even more control. this isn't a good thing.

 

also, may i remind you- you dating her and you marrying her are the same- nothing changes after marriage. the idea that you somehow 'own' her or 'allow' her to do or not do things after marriage is preposterous.

 

if you are a smart person, you'll take this piece of advice seriously. if you are an idiot, i suppose you can go on to beat your wife into submission. end up in jail, and still no more in control. your choice.

[Beachguy]

Am a girl so our prospective may be different.

 

 

A bartender is just not an attractive job because of the long hours, odd shifts, unsteady and probably low pay and most importantly, no where to go career wise. I respect all bartenders but I wouldn't want them to be my life partners.

 

 

Guys probably don't care if a girl has a career or not.

 

 

I agree ...guys don't look at that aspect as heavily. Maybe because I'm established and successful she's willing to work with me

[Beachguy]

I've read all your responses on this post so far. If you really want advice (and not just reiterating your opinion)--- You have serious trust and control issues. Your problem is not your gf working a night shift. You will find that even if she quit the night shift, there will be other things that bother you. Did that guy at the grocery store smile at her too long? Why does she know his name? Did the guy at Starbucks chat her up in line because he's been watching her for weeks? Why did her ex text her 'happy birthday'? Why didn't she tell you her ex texted?

 

I've seen a friend of mine have a relationship like this. He would call her repeatedly because he was so insecure that anytime she wasnt with him, she might be cheating. If she didnt answer the phone, she might be cheating.

 

It only keeps escalating. One day, I went over to his apartment for the first time, and she made pizza. I sat down on the couch and started eating when the two of them went into the bedroom. She came out and said, "we're leaving." What happened? He got mad at her for not fixing him a plate of food before sitting down and eating with me. That's not the end of it.

 

I follow my friend and her kid outside to the car. He follows us out, and rips her purse away from her (to get her keys to stop her from leaving), almost causing her to drop her kid. I got in his face and stared him down. Had I not been there, I do not now what violent thing could've happened.

 

I know what you are thinking- "that is not me"...and here is what I am saying- that is you if you keep up this controlling behavior- it only escalates. it never subsides. today it is urging her to quit her job, tomorrow it is telling her to stop hanging out with her single friends or any male friends, next year it'll be getting mad at her spending any time outside of the house...it never is enough because the hole you are trying to fill is endless. please speak to a therapist about this. do not keep paving the road to abuse without taking a good look at what you are asking of another person. if you truly loved and respected this person, you would not automatically believe that her staying for a drink after work equates to having sex with coworkers.

 

your suggestion that your job should pay for her would only make her more dependent on you- giving you even more control. this isn't a good thing.

 

also, may i remind you- you dating her and you marrying her are the same- nothing changes after marriage. the idea that you somehow 'own' her or 'allow' her to do or not do things after marriage is preposterous.

 

if you are a smart person, you'll take this piece of advice seriously. if you are an idiot, i suppose you can go on to beat your wife into submission. end up in jail, and still no more in control. your choice.

 

 

I haven't said a word to her about her job until last night. That's the first time . Usually she tells me when she's about to leave ...and the course of the night says Hello. Watcha doing ? She been there since we've met. Now that she and I have discussed marriage I told her I don't want my wife working til midnight at a bar. Almost a year and this is the first request. Mostly because she was much later than ever before. I get flattered when guys look at her....but overt sexual harassment is disrespectful.

 

Sorry we disagree. Thanks for the input. I'll make sure I don't turn into that guy

[jen1447]

I've been more than fair and helped her more than anyone ever has. I simply realized that last night without a call for 6 hours and she's an hour past normal quitting time I just assumed to hear from the police. She's sorry she didn't call and I accepted her apology. If I took my clients out some who happen to be attractive women with some men etc....til 1145. Without any calls for 5 hours. How would she feel.? She said bluntly that she would blow my phone up and be insanely jealous.

 

My request I thought was fair. I get invited out three times a week. Even to cruises or the islands...she asks I don't go....so I stay.

 

Two irrationals don't equal a rational.

 

Your 'problem' here sounds like it's all about you - you can't handle not knowing what she's doing, you don't like not hearing from her regularly, you can't tolerate her working evenings in an environment where men are present, etc. If there were some actual danger here you were concerned for her about that'd be one thing but it's all just your own insecurity. That's a silly and selfish thing to make demands over.

[truth_seeker]

I don't trust anyone in the nightlife scene. All the guys who work at bars and nightclubs... I'm talking, male bartenders, managers, security... all of them are trying to f-ck the girls who work there. I don't blame OP for being concerned... especially if your girlfriend is very hot.

 

Smackie makes a good point about girls being hit on everywhere... but it's 100x worse in the nightlife industry. All the guys are scheming to get laid.

 

Demanding is a no-no, OP. Telling her in a calm way that it bothers you greatly, and if she truly loves you, she will not work the night shift, look for a daytime shift or different job, that's much better.

[d0nnivain]

No offense to anyone in that line of work, it's good money and a fun job at times. As a husband I just won't allow it.

 

While a bar can be a hot bed of temptation, fact is you have no trust in the person you are dating.

 

The fact that you think you have the power to allow a grown woman to do anything is the crux of the real problem. You want to be her husband. That does not make you her father or her jailer.

 

It's lovely that you make good money & are willing to foot her bills but she probably would prefer to keep part of her independence & that means earning her own money. There is very little money to be made during the day shift. If you don't like the way she earns her money you are free to express that and walk away if you two can't agree on a compromise.

 

For heaven's sake she works at a restaurant until 11:30 which as you said is early for bars. I know plenty of people who are 100% faithful & not alcoholics even though they earn a living this way. While the perception is all people in the hospitality industry are party animals who have no concept of fidelity or loyalty, that is exaggerated. Yes, there is a lot of turn over & the employees tend to be younger but the party hearty thing is not universal for everyone.

 

If you can't accept that, you can't. But understand the problem lies with you. Learn to trust & stop being so totalitarian. It won't serve you well.

 

However, it would have been more polite to tell you that she was spending time after work with colleagues so you didn't worry. Common courtesy goes a long way

Edited May 12, 2016 by d0nnivain

[smackie9]

Women get sexually propositioned, harassed, touched groped, etc in public on a regular basis as well as in an office setting or whatever. It doesn't matter whether we are in a bar setting or going to the store it will always happen, and you can't control that. This is the life of a woman, this is what we all have had to deal with. She can handle it on her own.

Edited May 12, 2016 by smackie9

[truth_seeker]

Am a girl so our prospective may be different.

 

 

A bartender is just not an attractive job because of the long hours, odd shifts, unsteady and probably low pay and most importantly, no where to go career wise. I respect all bartenders but I wouldn't want them to be my life partners.

 

 

Guys probably don't care if a girl has a career or not.

 

For me, as a guy, I want the girl to have a good heart and strong back bone and a sharp head on her shoulders. So you are right to an extent about not caring about her career choice... but if she's been working at a cruddy bar most of her life or has bounced around from one dead-end job to another, I wouldn't want anything to do with the person.

 

Some of these bartenders are forced to wear outfits that make them look like low class escorts. If a woman is willing to dress like that to make a living... that's not far from stripping and hooking. So, count me as a guy who learned his lesson long ago - stay away from night workers.

 

Depending what bar you work at, some bartenders can make lots of money but it's not an ideal career.

[smackie9]

I worked in a club, and I resent your generalization of people who work in the industry. There were more sexual indiscretions going on in the corporation I am working in now (people screwing on their desk, wives/husbands cheating, etc than the 4 years of me working at a night club.

[jen1447]

Demanding is a no-no, OP. Telling her in a calm way that it bothers you greatly, and if she truly loves you, she will not work the night shift, look for a daytime shift or different job, that's much better.

 

Haha - so trade in bullying for emotional blackmail? That's only slightly less bad.

 

Is this whole female autonomy thing really such a cry moment for many guys? Kinda surprising.

[d0nnivain]

For me, as a guy, I want the girl to have a good heart and strong back bone and a sharp head on her shoulders. So you are right to an extent about not caring about her career choice... but if she's been working at a cruddy bar most of her life or has bounced around from one dead-end job to another, I wouldn't want anything to do with the person.

 

Some of these bartenders are forced to wear outfits that make them look like low class escorts. If a woman is willing to dress like that to make a living... that's not far from stripping and hooking. So, count me as a guy who learned his lesson long ago - stay away from night workers.

 

Depending what bar you work at, some bartenders can make lots of money but it's not an ideal career.

 

I'll give you that the bar itself can be a factor but here, the OP's GF works in a classy steakhouse until 11:30 pm I bet she wears black pants, a white button down & a tie, hardly selling sex here.

 

Also the GF has her real estate license but given the sporadic & unpredictable nature of that industry she supplements her income by doing this. When I was in the industry it was to put myself through college & grad school. The bar business enabled me to go to school during the day plus it wasn't 5 days per week . . .maybe 3 nights.

 

So you have to look at the big picture & not condemn a whole industry.

[Toodaloo]

I'm pretty lucky with my job. She doesn't need to work . I own a successful business. She's a full time real estate agent and is making that her career . I've paid for ALL of her costs. Thousands and thousands of costs. Bought her a very nice car for her profession. The bar thing was a cash job a year ago to bring in a few hundred a week which I respect tremendously even though she knows I don't need the help. Truly I respect that .

 

Maybe my situation is different than most. If I feel uncomfortable not having her company 2/3 nights a week, how would she feel if roles were reversed?

 

Sorry I'm a guy,, I know guys hit on hot bartenders both sexes...I've seen everything. If I'm gonna marry someone I would prefer at least that nighttime is a time she should be home. If she had a real estate deal at 8pm great. There's no alcohol there.

 

When I was working bars etc for extra cash I didn't sleep with anyone at all...

 

I think you should be proud to have a woman who wants to be earning for herself and contributing financially to the relationship.

 

Perhaps she didn't have time to text during the night if it was particularly busy hence the drink after to wind down and come home to you in a good mood rather than be bitching about what a stressful evening it was...

 

If she is driving she can't get drunk anyway so will be in full control of herself.

[veggirl]

If she actually becomes a successful RE agent she will be doing showings and paperwork in the evenings, she won't have time to work in a bar. Then again something like 90% of RE agents quit within the first 2 years because they aren't devoting enough time to become successful....if she is serious about being an agent she should quit the bar and focus on building her business since she doesn't actually need the cash from that job according to you.

[truth_seeker]

I worked in a club, and I resent your generalization of people who work in the industry. There were more sexual indiscretions going on in the corporation I am working in now (people screwing on their desk, wives/husbands cheating, etc than the 4 years of me working at a night club.

 

Corporate jobs can be just as worse with cheating... the thread though asks about bartenders and night club workers. That is why I focused on the nightlife industry.

 

I can't remember a night spot where the male workers weren't trying to to get into the pants of the female employees.

 

BTW, where do you work that people are screwing on the desk?

[truth_seeker]

Haha - so trade in bullying for emotional blackmail? That's only slightly less bad.

 

Is this whole female autonomy thing really such a cry moment for many guys? Kinda surprising.

 

No. I'm trying to help the guy out and point out that being angry and demanding is not going to get him anywhere.

 

Hey, the bar/nightclub scene is full of sleaze. I don't blame him for being concerned.

[truth_seeker]

I'll give you that the bar itself can be a factor but here, the OP's GF works in a classy steakhouse until 11:30 pm I bet she wears black pants, a white button down & a tie, hardly selling sex here.

 

Also the GF has her real estate license but given the sporadic & unpredictable nature of that industry she supplements her income by doing this. When I was in the industry it was to put myself through college & grad school. The bar business enabled me to go to school during the day plus it wasn't 5 days per week . . .maybe 3 nights.

 

So you have to look at the big picture & not condemn a whole industry.

 

Fair. I am looking at the places I've frequented over the years (dive bars, high-end lounges) and knowing people who worked at these places, people are hooking up big time. I wouldn't trust anyone in the nightlife scene. They're all out for themselves.

 

Today if you don't have a set and steady career, it's be a real estate agent, personal trainer, bartender, sales person... USA needs to get back to vocational skills.

[Tis]

Here's from a woman's point of view.

 

I date a bartender.

 

People who work in bartending will never care about your opinion. They will never care that they are out late and you don't know where they are and if they are okay because they are out far later than they said they would be.

They all have coworkers that will invite them out for a drink and keep them out until 1am and tell them that you are unreasonable to request a call letting you know they won't be home.

 

People act like its controlling to want to know where your significant other is late at night but it really isn't.

When you know the person you love is out late and probably has had a couple or drinks its normal to worry about them and wonder if they need a ride home. The request for a call letting you know what's going on isn't too much.

[Methodical]

Independent women don't want or need a man, or anyone else for that matter, to take care of them. They are self-sufficient and self-reliant. Quitting her job bc you are successful would put her at your mercy. Thanks, but no thanks on the handout. I don't want to be beholding to anyone and I'm sure your gf feels the same.

 

I have a question. Since you are so successful and make plenty of money to handle the bills and whatnot, why did she feel compelled to take a bartending job to bring in a few hundred extra dollars to begin with?

[smackie9]

Corporate jobs can be just as worse with cheating... the thread though asks about bartenders and night club workers. That is why I focused on the nightlife industry.

 

I can't remember a night spot where the male workers weren't trying to to get into the pants of the female employees.

 

BTW, where do you work that people are screwing on the desk?

 

LOL obviously I can't say....all that kind of behavior is under wraps now. As the company grew so did the video surveillance, and people want to hang onto their jobs. But boy I could tell you stories.

 

I read an article recently about a survey they did about office workers....there are quite a few people out there that masturbate at their desk during work hours lol.

[losangelena]

LOL obviously I can't say....all that kind of behavior is under wraps now. As the company grew so did the video surveillance, and people want to hang onto their jobs. But boy I could tell you stories.

 

I read an article recently about a survey they did about office workers....there are quite a few people out there that masturbate at their desk during work hours lol.

 

I'm friends with a guy who used to work at the SEC. He said that coworkers would leave porn open on public computers there ALL THE TIME.

 

Sexual deviancy exists everywhere you go. There is nothing new under the sun.