StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 After my last relationship I think its safe to say I'm done for. At the age of 41, this gets exhausting. Met her online, like usual. Really intense at first. She was talking about marriage after the first month and moving in, etc. I was such a dummy and so in love I didn't see the red flags. I'm so smart with computers and art but I can't realize when I'm in trouble with women. It's awful. It went on for six months (I know, my fault for not running) and just got worse. She would end up having emotional breakdowns and would get mad at me for "not being there". I would be called unreliable for forgetting to set my alarm and selfish because I was stuck at work and couldn't leave when she was having another meltdown. I would be told one day how much I'm loved and the next day I'm a total jerk for not understanding. I didn't know what I was half the time. It's hard for me to do the walking away because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I figured she was just troubled and I would ride the storm. But nothing ever got better. She would blow me up when I'm driving 8 hours to get my kid (he lives in another state) with all of these love letters when feeling good but then insult me and complain about everything when she wasn't. I just wanted things to be calm and even. The day I brought my kid back, she was having a bad day. Met her that morning and she was upset that I didn't say hi and give her a kiss. Instead I asked for her keys because her headlights were on and I wanted to shut them off for her. On the way there she sent complaints about her life the entire day. I was 5 minutes away from saying bye to my kid (I only see him during the summer and xmas) and she dumps me and blocks me on FB because I told her that I couldn't get into anything dramatic at the moment because I'm with my kid. Hours later, I'm sitting in the hotel room and now her mother is texting me and telling me I should try understanding her daughter more. At this point I seriously don't even know what the hell is going on. Come to find out two days later, it was her pretending to be her mother. Long story short, it was done by then. But then she said sorry and pleaded and I figured deep down she is a good person. Once again, I suck at this. I was married for a long time. At this point, I'm just looking for something normal and peaceful. But this last one was the icing on the online cake. That was not normal. And there is so much more I could tell. Right now though, I am mad. I am very mad. Stupid me decided to go back on for whatever reason and her profile is back. It reminded me of the emotional strain she put on me. The pushing and cornering to the point where I was petrified to want to do something different or have a different opinion. I don't want to belittle those who really were, but I feel like I was mentally abused in some way - to the point where I'm so guarded and hateful against people online that I just want to vent. I want to scream in people's faces and ask them WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Or what is wrong with me?
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 It's not that it's "wrong" but you are rather trusting & perhaps give people too much of the benefit of the doubt. You know that blue screen you get when computer just fries & no longer works? Women who talk about marriage within the 1st month of knowing you are that blur screen. Time to recognize that it's time to get a new computer / woman. Equate some of the other classic red flags to worms, viruses & trojans. When you find them on your computer you weed them out immediately, right? Same thing here. Stop being nice. Treat this aberrant behavior just like a corruption in your system. Delete! 1
GemmaUK Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Listen to your instincts but learn to ACT upon them right then and right there. Life will get a lot easier and drama free 1
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 Listen to your instincts but learn to ACT upon them right then and right there. Life will get a lot easier and drama free I think that's definitely my problem.
bluefeather Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 wtf does this have to do with online dating? you think crazies are only on there? and a thing about boundaries: get some. 3
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 wtf does this have to do with online dating? you think crazies are only on there? and a thing about boundaries: get some. Every woman I have dated since I got divorced has been online.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Every woman I have dated since I got divorced has been online. So get off line. Try dating a person you met IRL. 1
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 So get off line. Try dating a person you met IRL. It's just hard to meet people, especially when you live in a state you're not from.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 What are you doing to meet people? You need to put yourself out there. I viewed it as a job search & made a point to do something social by myself at least 1 day a week to meet new people. (OK in lazy weeks I'd count something I did to network for my business as a social event) I recommend the following: * join a meet up group that does something you enjoy * join a co-ed sports team * attend an alumni event from your college * volunteer doing something you care about -- prevent disease; the arts; the environment; animal rescue etc. * attend a singles event There are all sorts of these things. Around here I went to beer tastings; wine dinners; attended something called Leashes & Lovers because I could bring my dog (believe me my dalmatian got more attention then every woman with a dog in her purse) and even was thinking about signing up for this thing where they match you with another single to play 9 holes of golf (I figured even if he was a bad guy it was still a lovely afternoon of golf, right?) * attend business functions in your industry or the local Chamber of Commerce meetings * go to a gallery opening * serve on a charitable board * join something like the Elks, the Masons, the Kiwanis, the volunteer fire department. 1
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Met her online, like usual. Really intense at first. She was talking about marriage after the first month and moving in, etc. Who's he craziest, her for moving in after 1 month or you for letting her move in after 1 month? It takes 2 to tango. Those crazies from online, as you like to call them, they can't be crazy on their own, it takes someone to go along with them in their craziness. If you are looking for a guilty then look in the mirror. You brought this upon yourself, no one helped you. Yes there are crazies online just as in real life, just don't date them. Period. I met my boyfriend online after meeting almost 200 men over the years. I met my boyfriend, who's the most normal loving man on earth, because I did not waste my time with the 200 crazies before him. Here is what you do: Recently out of relationship: do not pursue Addictions: do not pursue Mentally unstable: do not pursue Anger issues: do not pursue Immature: do not pursue Talks marriage after a couple of dates: do not pursue Wants to move in after 1 month: Do not pursue 3
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 What are you doing to meet people? You need to put yourself out there. I viewed it as a job search & made a point to do something social by myself at least 1 day a week to meet new people. (OK in lazy weeks I'd count something I did to network for my business as a social event) I recommend the following: * join a meet up group that does something you enjoy * join a co-ed sports team * attend an alumni event from your college * volunteer doing something you care about -- prevent disease; the arts; the environment; animal rescue etc. * attend a singles event There are all sorts of these things. Around here I went to beer tastings; wine dinners; attended something called Leashes & Lovers because I could bring my dog (believe me my dalmatian got more attention then every woman with a dog in her purse) and even was thinking about signing up for this thing where they match you with another single to play 9 holes of golf (I figured even if he was a bad guy it was still a lovely afternoon of golf, right?) * attend business functions in your industry or the local Chamber of Commerce meetings * go to a gallery opening * serve on a charitable board * join something like the Elks, the Masons, the Kiwanis, the volunteer fire department. You're right. I need to get out. I work out of my apartment (IT) so it's like I never go anywhere. But yeah, you are right.
ChocolateRain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) I was married for a long time. At this point, I'm just looking for something normal and peaceful. But this last one was the icing on the online cake. That was not normal. And there is so much more I could tell. Right now though, I am mad. I am very mad. Stupid me decided to go back on for whatever reason and her profile is back. It reminded me of the emotional strain she put on me. The pushing and cornering to the point where I was petrified to want to do something different or have a different opinion. I don't want to belittle those who really were, but I feel like I was mentally abused in some way - to the point where I'm so guarded and hateful against people online that I just want to vent. I want to scream in people's faces and ask them WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Or what is wrong with me? Today i have read a great Article here on this site posted by another member about OLD fatique ... sorry to say , but she sounds like a psychopath ... i did OLD for about a year , i gave up ... i had asked myself the same question '' what is wrong with me '' and i dont want to shift the blame on others but i expected a good world out there hhhhhh ... OLD is just not for me ... it's a world of pain out there but there are still good normal people they just need to be found .... good luck to you Edited May 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6 1
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) Today i have read a great Article here on this site posted by another member about OLD fatique ... sorry to say , but she sounds like a psychopath ... i did OLD for about a year , i gave up ... i had asked myself the same question '' what is wrong with me '' and i dont want to shift the blame on others but i expected a good world out there hhhhhh ... OLD is just not for me ... it's a world of pain out there but there are still good normal people they just need to be found .... good luck to you That's why I made the topic title the way I did. I either end up with overly aggressive people or those who just want to keep the revolving door revolving. No middle ground. Edited May 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 There is hope. I was divorced at 42, after a seventeen year marriage. I jumped right into OLD. Not going to blame it on my dating failures, I could have met the same crazies IRL, just not as many of them. Gave up on it after seven years, and decided to just live life for ME. And then, met someone, IRL. Did what I said I'd never do - remarried. At 51. I'm now 54, with a blended family of five furry children. You've got time, don't rush things. Do things you enjoy, wherever you are, and you'll find like minded people. Good luck! 5
GemmaUK Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I think that's definitely my problem. If you don't learn to follow your instincts then online or IRL will both be tricky. Good news is that you found LS so you can garner other's thoughts on situations. Just remember not to believe all the responses you like the sound of. Keep an open mind and keep your eyes and ears open too. 2
funnyman7878 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) I would be told one day how much I'm loved and the next day I'm a total jerk for not understanding. Did you date the same woman I am dating by any chance? Sounds exactly like my GF! Exhausting it is! I ask everyday why am I dealing with this *****, better to leave and be in peace. I think this diagnosis is borderline personality disorder, look it up. Just like you I try my best to "fix" relationships and compromise on everything in hopes that it will get better but one has to realize that not all things are fixable. My current GF has had a string of dysfunctional relationships in her past, I should've taken that as a sign that she has no relationship building skills whatsoever. Edited May 11, 2016 by funnyman7878
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 Did you date the same woman I am dating by any chance? Sounds exactly like my GF! Exhausting it is! I ask everyday why am I dealing with this *****, better to leave and be in peace. I think this diagnosis is borderline personality disorder, look it up. Just like you I try my best to "fix" relationships and compromise on everything in hopes that it will get better but one has to realize that not all things are fixable. It was unreal. One Saturday morning I was really excited to see her. No issues. She was fighting on FB and was in a bad mood. When I said forget FB lets go do have a good day, I got a "F&&K off". The Friday before V-Day. I wanted to surprise her so I got her a Red Bull and a little cup with chocolates in it. I show up where she goes to day class and text her. I get "I'm not in a good mood". I'm thinking well now you can be because I'm here and I got some cool things to give you. Nope. She told me to go away. I was really sad after that. Again, this coming from the exact same person who supposedly loved me and wanted me around all the time.
GemmaUK Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 When will men learn that turning up is mostly not appreciated and is damned inconsiderate of her time??!! Her time is her own..so is yours..respect it guys!!!
lilmissjava Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 That sucks :/ I am in IT as well and can read people through the ones and zeroes. I can weed the jerks out pretty quick just based on my own instinct and the conversations I have. OLD isn't the be all end all of dating. You can do IRL as well as OLD and just enjoy being single. Summer is around the corner and being single in summer is by far the best thing going for you now. That girl you are writing about, try to forget about her. She wasn't the one because she would be both understanding and considerate of not causing a scene around your child. Not throw a tantrum. Just goes to show the maturity level of this woman, she sounds like a selfish diva. You deserve better. Take a break on OLD, sometimes you just need to. Good luck! 1
Author StillSingle Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 When will men learn that turning up is mostly not appreciated and is damned inconsiderate of her time??!! Her time is her own..so is yours..respect it guys!!! But she said she liked surprises...
bluefeather Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Every woman I have dated since I got divorced has been online. Your logic is... illogical! Improve your woman radar. Improve self-respect.
Dis Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 The people on OLD are the same people you see/meet in everyday life. Pls dont associate unstable/unhealthy people with OLD. I think you just picked one of the worst options on OLD (I've done it myself too). With that said, I really think you need to heal from this relationship before begin to date again. I would feel traumatized too! From the sounds of it, it looks like you were love bombed only to be emotionally abused later. I bet youre realing from this ordeal. Give yourself some time. If you jump into the dating scene now you'll have a hard time not bringing baggage from this last relationship. You'll have a hard time trusting that the next girl isnt crazy, you'll project your worries onto the next girl....it'll mess up anything your likley to build with someone else. Pls know that most women are NOT like this. You just happened to pick a bad apple. And like I said, there are plenty of stable/professional/sweet women on OLD. Next time take things slower, dont ignore red flags, and chose more wisely. For now....take a break. OLD takes alot of time and paitence, I dont think youre in the right state of mind to handle it right now. But dont despair hun, I'm sure you'll heal from this horrible experience and move on to find an awesome women Take care
tayriley Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 who's he craziest, her for moving in after 1 month or you for letting her move in after 1 month? It takes 2 to tango. Those crazies from online, as you like to call them, they can't be crazy on their own, it takes someone to go along with them in their craziness. If you are looking for a guilty then look in the mirror. You brought this upon yourself, no one helped you. Yes there are crazies online just as in real life, just don't date them. Period. I met my boyfriend online after meeting almost 200 men over the years. I met my boyfriend, who's the most normal loving man on earth, because i did not waste my time with the 200 crazies before him. Here is what you do: Recently out of relationship: Do not pursue addictions: Do not pursue mentally unstable: Do not pursue anger issues: Do not pursue immature: Do not pursue talks marriage after a couple of dates: Do not pursue wants to move in after 1 month: Do not pursue amen!!!! Hallelujah!!!! 1
Toodaloo Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 You're right. I need to get out. I work out of my apartment (IT) so it's like I never go anywhere. But yeah, you are right. Take up dance lessons. Seriously. There tend to be more women than men at the sessions so you get to socialise. When you get a bit better there will be dance evenings and outings and weekend dance sessions etc. You will still meet some crazies but you will also meet other great people and also get out more, learn a new skill that is always admired by women etc... Go and dance. Also learn how to spot the crazies so you do not get involved with them. Take this as a lesson in how to pick a better quality of woman. The pretty ones sometimes just look pretty. Give yourself time to see if there is also some substance behind the looks... Same goes for women too... 1
Author StillSingle Posted May 13, 2016 Author Posted May 13, 2016 Who's he craziest, her for moving in after 1 month or you for letting her move in after 1 month? It takes 2 to tango. Those crazies from online, as you like to call them, they can't be crazy on their own, it takes someone to go along with them in their craziness. If you are looking for a guilty then look in the mirror. You brought this upon yourself, no one helped you. Yes there are crazies online just as in real life, just don't date them. Period. I met my boyfriend online after meeting almost 200 men over the years. I met my boyfriend, who's the most normal loving man on earth, because I did not waste my time with the 200 crazies before him. Here is what you do: Recently out of relationship: do not pursue Addictions: do not pursue Mentally unstable: do not pursue Anger issues: do not pursue Immature: do not pursue Talks marriage after a couple of dates: do not pursue Wants to move in after 1 month: Do not pursue Nobody moved in with anyone. But I hear you.
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