SoDarnConfusing Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Ok.. so I'm new here and obviously, I'm beating my brains out on this one. I've been in a TERRIBLE relationship for four years with a demeaning, controlling, mental and verbally abusive twit from hades. Unfortuntately, as the door opened and I was about to make my escape back into the world of "I don't take this chit", I got extremely ill and handed a hard core diagnosis ( and yes, I have almost beat it by now, but it is personal) To top that off, and make matter a bit more interesting, I have three kids. Granted, although this man treated me like sheer rubbage, he took care of those kids and over the course of 3 years, only once "snapped" and said something mean to me about him handling all the stress. I feel indebted to him and he KNOWS this. Five months ago, while deciding that A.) I was definately better, back at work, and trying to get on with my life - that I was going to do just that, get on with my life and TAKE IT BACK. In the interim, me and my "twit" basically agreed on a few things: We dont love each other, this isnt working out, there IS no working out- we just clash. Heck, we dont even sleep in the same bed. There is absolutely, nothing there. What is there- is him , and h im saying that at this point, he KNOWS i need him and he stays to help until I am in remission. Back to five months ago- I met someone else. I have never, in my entire life, met someone like this person ( and I've met or talked to alot of people). Over the course of the months, something felt uniquely odd to me : It felt like I knew this guy, or that I had met him before. NO matter what I said, or what I did- he never judged me. In fact, in the five months knowing him- he NEVER said ANYTHING that made me go "HUH?" even inside my own head. Everything about us just clicked. And whatever didn't , balance. For example, Im n ot a very patient or calm person. He is, and I drew from that. We're both happy, upbeat, boisterous positive people. Thats a stretch different from my ex twit, now coined live in roomate. This guy and I could look at each other- and know what we were each thinking. I could nod a particular way,a dn he would know what it meant. Just really, nothing about us DIDNT click. There was not one vice in his personality that made me think I needed to run EXCEPT As stated- I have three kids. I know where Im going, I know where I have been, I know what I want out of life AND I AM WORKING ON IT. I MUST , for my kids. Even through my illness, I have battled, and i have WON. Thats just me, thats who I am. Things just simply cannot be up in the air when I have 3 kids looking at me. I gotta KNOW that this is where the food comes from, this is when the food comes, this is when the clothes come, etc. The exception of new guy? He doesn't work. He's 4 years younger than me. And, when I first met him, he told me that he owned a computer business that he JUST started and did out of his home. Im a very college educated woman. Did it bother me? Of course not- not in the beginning, because I didnt think him and I would click SO much and I didnt know I would be blindsided by lovin the ever living hell out of this guy. I did ask him though, in the beginning things such as "Hey, you're 24, young, single- why arent you OUT in college, why arent you OUT working?" I did learn, that, as me, he also suffered a terrible illness 3 years ago that pretty much stripped his ability to work. I also know that his ability to work NOW has inclined steeply and that he COULD be out doing something. He told me that he himself, knows where he is been, knows where he is going, and knows how to get there. And he is quite a bit of an intellect. I hope Im right on that, and he's not blinding me with his psychoticness. But, to make a long thing short? ( yeah right, its alreay long, huh)? his take on it is this: he tells me that obviously, before me- it was just him and he was doing what he wanted, taking his time at it and only had HIM to feed and HIIM to take care of He said when I came into his life, he KNEW he would have to stand up, he KNEW he would haev to do something and that me and three kids equals more to take care of. And my take on it? As I told him? Look, im 28- I have three kids. I suffered a great and terrible illness and I STILL worked through it. I need something concrete in my life, something solid, something secure. Your fickleness about work/career at the age of 24 doesn't nor will it pay the bills and feed my kids. Not like i NEED him to do that, but I will be go to hell if I am going to have a freeloader on my hands. UH UH So... what do I do? I recently cut off communication with this guy. Instead of him calling me names, or hating me, or being psychotic and sending me weird crap, he sent me an email telling me that he understood and that he loved me. He's very very I don't know- he's me. I feel like I chopped the better part of my soul off and threw it in the ocean. Im heartbroken. Im scared. What if I DO kick twit face out ? ( Please, trust me, he EARNED that name.. lied to me, stolen money from me, stolen MEDICINE from me, just a total waste of a person). What if I DO let new guy into my life? And it ends up terrible? Then what? OR, do I just stay with twit face and ride this thing out until I am in complete remission and fully able to make my own way and having no more down time in bed, vomitting or having a severe headache or whatnot... or am I paranoid and asking all the wrong questions? I love this guy. I really do. But I also don't want used. And there are people out there that do that kind of stuff. He claims he will work. Yeah- how do I know that? or am I just a chicken chit? He did tell me once that people have to MERGE their lives. I thikn I have a thing against merging my life with anything unknown- but then again, anyone new would be unknown. Im too old for this. I have kids to take care of, ya know? Uh.. help?
lindya Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I'm not sure what to make of Twit Face in all of this. The two of you have agreed that you don't love eachother, yet he's decided that he wants to hang on and help you through all this (in between lying to and stealing from you) - and, in some ways it sounds as if he's been a tower of strength. Albeit, a tower you obviously feel like taking a demolition ball to. Is there some sort of financial benefit for him in staying with you? How do your kids get on with him? How did you get together in the first place - and did it ever feel like love? If you get together with the young guy, then you're probably in for trouble of a different kind. It sounds as if part of what attracts you is his gentleness and freedom from responsibility. He sounds a very different kettle of fish from Twit Face. Is that why you were drawn to him?
Author SoDarnConfusing Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Hi Linda, You're right, he is my tower of strength ( twit face aka Jon) and furthermore, I WOULD like to take a wrecking ball to him. At this moment, he is working, and contributing entire paychecks to the house and my kids do get along with him. Him and I met through a mutual friend- a mutual friend that warned me from the get go. Jon also has drug abuse problems. Just not my cup of tea. At all. I'm not sure I was ever in love with Jon, no. All we ever did and all we ever continue to do, is fight. He is a very abusive person with words. I wish not to live a life like that. I think what attracted me to this young guy is that except for the job issue ( HUGE ISSUE THOUGH! ) he met absolutely every thing I wanted in a guy. Though I wasn't seeking a guy, I had mental notes on what I wanted: must not drink, must have good morals, must be NORMAL, honest, no drugs, like kids, etc. There was not ONE thing he didn't match in what I wanted. And by just talking with him, and listening to him talk, and of course, him not knowing I was looking for those particular things, he just fit in SO well with what I wanted. ..... right up until..... ya look at him and want to say "Hello? You're 24... and your life is going WHERE?" I think I know, in my heart of hearts, that he simply just isn't for me. That perhaps if his situation was a bit different and he was a very responsible guy, I wouldn't have backed away from it. I still feel terrible for backing away from him, but not as bad as I did yesterday I don't want to feel as if I am wrong in any way, by letting go of someone who doesn't work. Thats just lazy, no matter what he says. ugh.
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