Red Flags BW saw/see in men. Not for man to address

[Jersey born raised]

I have read several posts on topics that involve the male perspective. For example Red Flags to be aware of in a wife's behavior that MAY - AGAIN MAY indicate an EA or a PA. So for example a partial list

 

 

 

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

became more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

While some of these are applicable to either gender, the propose of this thread is to ask woman what they have notice about men who are involved with an EA or PA and how they rank them.

[big dog]

Good post.

[Midwestmissy]

Held the phone over his head and rated and told me to stay out of his business (he used a different word than business). After 25 yrs together this was a shock. The hair on my neck stood up.

 

Told me I was delusional and clearly needed to see a doctor.

 

When he mentioned the cow by name, I asked "who is that again?" And he lost it completely about how I didn't care about his business. So I need to stay out of his business or I need to show more interest? I genuinely didn't know who she was, but the rage that came out of him made the hair on my neck stand up. Totally out of character again - and I met him at age 19.

 

Basically, he was just plain mean and disgusted with me. He was getting accolades for the persona he presented to the married cow, and couldn't believe that when he came home, his family thought he was full of it. She loved his insincerity, why couldn't we fall into line too?!? He also whistled and smiled non stop - it was infuriating. But his eyes never smiled, and he didn't act gentle and happy, he just let us have that mask. It was like creepy clown smiling. He was horrible and I can't believe he didn't have a heart attack during those 6 months, because man, he was stressed. The 6mo long affair was supposed to be liberating and fantasy, but he didn't seem so hot. Too many masks I suppose.

[ShatteredLady]

My H started an affair (very EA. Denied PA!!) with a lady he worked with 12 years ago. In hindsight the actual A really wasn't a huge deal. His BEHAVIOR taught me many lessons I with I'd never learnt! It was brutal.

 

I used to roll my eyes when women who had been married to serial killers denied all knowledge. How can you share your life with a monster & never know? I believe you easily can.

 

If you asked friends, even family to list my H's characteristics they would all say "He's such a nice guy!". He is!! He's gentle & kind. 12 years ago I truly believed that he was having a nervous breakdown. He turned into Mr Alien. Most of the things listed above.

 

* Hippy geek became a gym, body obsessed vein thug! He even called himself "The Golden God". We used to laugh at less!

* Everything I did was wrong. I drove myself crazy trying to be 'better'.

* Withdrew from family. His Mum was so sick that they had to stop & restart her heart a couple of times. He never phoned her or checked how she was. He loved his Mum. She was a lovely lady.

* Stopped telling me if he was going to be late...& he was! A lot!!!

* His mobile phone became part of his anatomy!

* He constantly ridiculed me around friends & collegues. So awkward. People didn't know if he was joking.

 

I think mine was a very extreme reaction. Adultery was such a huge change in character for him. I honestly believed he'd lost his mind. Now I believe that kicking me in the gutter was the only way he could do it. At the worst point a complete stranger watched us in a shop & handed me a women's abuse rescue society card.

 

 

Last year I had emergency surgery. A couple of months later I asked my H if he was having an affair. I hadn't asked that, even thought that in 12 years. He convinced me that I was crazy but deep inside I knew!

 

He was so mean! For me that's the biggest sign. As a woman I would NEVER even associate with a man who could treat a woman like that!

 

That's the hardest thing to live with...the blindsided complete switch in character & behavior. If I hadn't been very sick, depressed & heavily medicated I would of known & left before my selfesteem was so damaged.

 

I now live in fear that he will do it again. I don't want to loose the love of my life, the man I've grown-up with, the man who knew me BEFORE my health changed me. I don't want my babies raised in a broken home. I don't know if I can stay married though. I've lost so very much of myself.

 

It would be different for me if he 'just' had very occasional affairs. It would destroy me but it's the lies, abuse, cruelty have changed me forever.

[wmacbride]

the ever popular ' i love you but I am not 'in love' with you' speech, or something similar.

 

When you hear that, you have a pretty safe bet that he's either cheating or about to.

[Arieswoman]

When my WS was cheating he seemed to turn into a completely disconnected @r$ehole.

 

He "forgot" my birthday, and when I mentioned it, said that "I didn't deserve anything".

 

When he came back home from weekend "sports practice" (he was actually seeing her, unbeknown to me) he would sit in the lounge and stare at the wall. If I spoke to him he ignored me.

 

When he came back at night after "working late" (he was in fact seeing her) he wanted sex instantly.

 

After a couple of months of this weird behaviour I asked him if he had any problems, because I thought he was having some kind of a breakdown. He told me I was imagining it.

 

He bought himself a new leather jacket and kept wanting to borrow my car ( I had the smarter car)

 

I could go on, but you get the picture.......

[seren]

My H told me about the A, I didn't find out, but I had noticed he had changed. I put it down to work stress (he was in the military and back and fro to Iraq). We had been together over 23 years, we were (still are) each other's best friend, we loved, laughed, had sex, but something was off. I am speaking in hindsight, after he told me my brian did a quick inventory of the previous 8 months (length of the A) and it all clicked into place. I was in a highly paid job, newly promoted.

 

I would also add that I was going through a really bad time healthwise, I have autoimmune problems, had numerous trips to the A&E department and had treatment for cancer. H lost a few friends in Iraq in a particularly bad attack. I knew he was stressed, I thought it was 'just' PTSD. So:

 

He kept telling me he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better.

He kept saying he was a bad person and didn't deserve me.

He began taking his mobile phone with him always.

He didn't object to me staying over at a friend's house when we had work to do.

He would pick fights for no reason.

He had me thinking I was going potty, imagining his off behaviour.

He kept insisting I had the best of everything (I usually made those decisions), he bought me a ballgown sent from NY to UK at a cost of over £2k for a ball we were going to. I said too expensive, he said nothing was good enough for me.

I had met the OW once, very briefly before the A. I am not being spiteful to say she wore very low cut tops, belittled her H in front of other's and was known for going with other men. I didn't like her. I once told him she had been caught giving a young lad BJ's in the club. He said he wasn't surprised, but something about the way he said it just had me thinking he knew her a lot better than I thought.

He would go for a 'walk' and come back and start talking about how he would spend his pension how he wanted. (I was flummoxed as I always said he should, seems she had been bending his ear about it).

 

Nothing hugely red flaggy, nothing that had me think anything other than how he was stressed. I asked if he wanted to stay, if there was anyone else and said if there was then he should go, should be happy. He begged (literally) for me to give him a chance and not leave. I said why would I. I loved him, warts, bad behaviour and all.

 

On D Day he told me and I asked if it was love, he said not, he asked me to stay. I stayed, we stayed and worked on us. 8 years later we are still here, in love despite the A.

Sometimes we believe them because we love and trust them, we are loved as we have always been loved, we believe they have our back's and we have theirs. The OW once said to me that she thought I was stopping him speaking to her, that she knew him and he wouldn't do that to her. I said, I had known him for over 23 years and never believed he would do that to me so what chance did she have. Sometimes we would hope for red flags for the awfulness to make sense and sometimes there are none because they work so hard to make sure we never find out.