cell2k15 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Hey all, Let me briefly explain the story. 14 months ago I started communicating with a girl based in the US (I'm in the UK). She's young at just 19 and entering college life and I'm 23 years old. We built up an amazingly close friendship through hours on FaceTime/Skype and so on, before I eventually decided to fly out and see her 4 months later. After meeting for the first time, we made things official and since then I have gone to see her another 4-5 times. I've been lucky enough to have a good job/career and be in the position to afford long trips. We spent almost 2 months together since January this year. Sadly over the last 2 or so months things have started to crumble. I started to be overcome with jealous tendencies and felt insecure about the people she was hanging out with. She is really into music and seeing local bands/hanging out with local bands and so on - she does photography for some bands and actually gets paid for it. She's always said she's been into the whole 'band guy' thing despite obviously being in a relationship with me. I didn't think much of it until more recently when she started hanging out more which is where the jealousy came in. She's a really attractive girl with a very extroverted personality so she clicks with pretty much anyone. We went on a 'break' since April but as we had a holiday planned together in just 2 weeks time from today (a dream trip to Europe for her that she's always wanted to do), we both decided that we'd work on keeping what we had alive and not do anything with anyone else until the holiday came around - and hopefully get things back to normal. Sadly we hit rock bottom with communication last week and she was pretty much 'done' with the way in which I was acting, and it was therefore cancelled. She felt I slowly became a different person with the jealousy aspect and how she felt she was always 'being watched'. Looking back some of my actions are regrettable, and I could have done a better job. I did feel insecure and I felt like the dream holiday that I had planned and paid for was for someone who might be messing with other guys whilst we were on a break - it made me feel awful in all honesty. That being said, I do feel I was justified with some of the things I said. I spoke about it with many of my friends and they feel they'd be in exactly the same boat. Hanging out with band guys in groups and 1 to 1 on a regular basis didn't exactly fill me with confidence. About 2 days ago we had 'the phone call' where she said enough was enough and she just wanted to put the whole situation behind her and move on. She said she was doing it for herself and 'for me', so I can focus on moving on from this situation. She hopes that we'll cross paths again in the future and 'try again' when we're at different stages and things are more possible. It turns out that she'd been going on dates with another guy for the last 2-3 weeks anyway, and they'd already made plans to go on a mini-break away from home together early next month. So I guess... she's moved on. Admittedly I'm pretty distraught by the situation. I know some of it was my fault, but I'm still completely in love with the girl. She's the only person I can say I flew 50,000+ miles for, did everything I could given the circumstances and was always there for her. I've been contemplating booking a flight and going to see her, but I'm not sure if it's a worthwhile endeavour right now, and it'll be a $1500 waste of time if she has no interest in talking. What should I do from here? Suggestions? Retain no contact and not reach out to her at all anymore? I'd rather not accept it's completely over, but I guess I might have no option here.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) No, really - it IS over. She's way too young to be considering a permanent, fixed, exclusive and committed relationship. She's barely out of her teens and in some States, is not even considered an adult until 21. As Judge Judy often says about kids of this age, "She's not fully-cooked yet!" and she's right - here's why. She is cerebrally incapable of settling down or making life-changing decisions, of the kind you wish she'd make. Essentially (and totally understandably) she's 'selfish' in the sense that she's doing what immediately gratifies her. And that's OK. At that age, it's as it should be. You two are at different stages, on different pages and different ages. leave well alone, because this is really neither practical nor sensible to pursue. NC all the way, for good. This lady's not for turning. Edited May 11, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 2
GR4 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I'll be blunt here. You've been incredibly naïve to think this would ever work. You're both living in different continents. My ex moved about three hours from me in England when we were dating and that didn't work so I have no idea what you were thinking here. Please tell me you didn't pay for her on this holiday you had planned... It's over. I don't think it was really anything to begin with to be honest. I'm guessing she never came over here to see you, it was always you shelling out cash to see her, right? And how close were you really? Did you sleep together? Kiss? Did she definitely see this as a relationship? Don't 'date' girls halfway round the world. It doesn't work.
Erik30 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Don't fly all the way over there! There's a pretty big chance she ended it to be with this other guy. She didn't do it for your sake. You might have made some mistakes but he probably already was in her life. She's still a young girl who might just want to have some fun, and realized she isn't looking for a serious LDR.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 You two are at different life stages. You are entering adulthood. She's still having fun at college. For you to expect her to pass that up is unrealistic. You had fun but it's over. Heal your wounds & when you are ready date a local girl your own age. Things will be much smoother.
Author cell2k15 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 I've made the decision that I won't fly over there to see her. I won't lie, this is especially hard at the moment. I've unfollowed/unfriended her on everything as she jumped to block me on everything within a matter of minutes after the 'final phone call' a couple of days ago. I still find myself checking her social media stuff every so often. Can't seem to make that stop for right now, and I know it's doing me no good. You're right guys, I need to let this go... 1
privategal Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Just wanted to say Im so sorry. Breakups are hard and leave a big void. Hope you can find some new things and interests while you heal. It will be ok. Stay nc all the way 100%
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I think there is a strong possibility she's now with the guy she'd gone on a few dates with. I'll agree with the others: you need to let this one go. It wasn't a very feasible option from the beginning, unfortunately. You're on opposite sides of the ocean and it wasn't as though you'd built up a strong foundation before going long-distance. You began long-distance, which is extremely hard to sustain especially at a young age. I'm sorry you're hurting. Take yourself on a nice holiday somewhere that's nowhere near her!
Author cell2k15 Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 Definitely easier said than done, but I know it's something I need to do. A part of me always knew there was a time limit on it all, but I just didn't think she'd be so cold and move on so quickly - that's the bit that's hitting me the most right now. It's like I never existed and this new guy is everything she talks about on social media - and yeah, I'm still stupidly checking... I guess it'll get better with time huh.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 It's hard, but it really does get better with time. You're still in the shock stage. It takes a while to process what's happened. But slowly you will come out of it.
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