kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Hi all. It's been a while since I've been on here. I posted about my boyfriend about a year ago when we first started dating. We've been fighting a lot lately and I could really use some advice. He has been going through a lot the past couple months: problems at work, serious illness with his brother and grandfather, and issues with his kids and their mom. He's also stressed financially because all of this falls on his shoulders. We have been fighting because I feel like our relationship has stalled. I feel like I've been set aside while he sorts things out without me. I don't feel like a partner. He didn't even tell me about anything he was going through until last week when I thought about ending things because he had been so distant and just wasn't there for me. I've been so sad over it. He finally opened up recently and we had a heart to heart. He knows I've been frustrated that our relationship isn't progressing, but that he doesn't know what to do because he needs to resolve everything first. He reassured me that he loves me and would give me everything I wanted if he could. That he didn't expect all these things to happen, but he doesn't want to lose me. We're both tired of the fighting so I asked him what he wants. He said he wants me to be more patient, stay with him and work through things together. He said he didn't mean to make me feel unimportant, but that he just didn't want me to worry, especially trouble me with issues regarding his ex-wife, of all people. But he also knows it's a lot to ask someone to just sit and wait. I feel torn. I know what he's going through isn't easy and I want be there for him. Not leave him when he needs my support. On the other hand, I worry that he may be using these problems as an excuse to slow us down, or that maybe this is his roundabout way of sending the message that he's just not ready but wants to keep me around. Is it not true that if a man really wants to step things up, nothing would stop him if it was truly what he wanted? Or am I naive for believing that? Would it be really stupid of me to stay and wait? What would you do?
basil67 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 It's not unreasonable to want someone who places you as a priority in their life. That said, I'm not sure what you mean by wanting the relationship to progress/for him to step things up. You've been together for a year - at this stage you'd probably expect to know his friends and family, be official, be monogamous and see each other for much of the weekend. Is this where you're at with him? If you're wanting more than this, it's probably a bit early - so perhaps chill out a bit 1
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 You're not a partner. Your his GF. His problems -- work, his family's illnesses etc. -- are not things you can fix. Unless your cash is going to address his financial needs you are not a partner & he is supposed to make these decisions independently. With so much going on -- some of which is life & death -- for you to push for more time, more commitment, more anything is going to push him right out the door. If you can't understand why you are not a priority in the face of those grave things, perhaps you should opt out. If you truly love him be supportive but not demanding. He doesn't need another "should" in his life right now. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 So basically, the guy comes with more baggage than the United Airlines terminal at Laguardia Airport. Just know that you'll always take a backseat to crazy ex-wives and a guy's kids. Always. That's why I never, EVER dated men with dependent kids. The constant drama and headaches just aren't worth it. I guess you need to weigh whether all this baggage is worth your while. 1
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 You're not a partner. Your his GF. His problems -- work, his family's illnesses etc. -- are not things you can fix. Unless your cash is going to address his financial needs you are not a partner & he is supposed to make these decisions independently. With so much going on -- some of which is life & death -- for you to push for more time, more commitment, more anything is going to push him right out the door. If you can't understand why you are not a priority in the face of those grave things, perhaps you should opt out. If you truly love him be supportive but not demanding. He doesn't need another "should" in his life right now. To be clear, I'm not pushing for more time/commitment with everything going on. I discussed how our relationship is not progressing before he even told me that anything was going on, when we were hitting the one year mark and he was becoming more elusive and distant. I'm not sure what you mean that I'm not a partner, I'm a GF. To me, anyone you're in a relationship is considered a partner and you don't keep things from them, but maybe others disagree. And I know I can't fix everything or make decisions for him. But if he had included me in his life and told me about what was going on, I never would have started getting frustrated. I would have forgone the relationship talk and we never would have been fighting.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I guess I draw those lines differently from where you draw them. At the mere one year mark I was never ready to commit & I would resent being drawn into somebody else's family drama. I don't see BF/GF as a partnership. I see it as temporary & easily broken off. There is no reliable commitment there for me. You want more then he can give. Because so much else is going on in his life you need to decide if you want to wait or walk. Personally if I felt like the relationship ought to be a partnership, I'd stick around & be a partner, the person who picks up the slack.
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 It's not unreasonable to want someone who places you as a priority in their life. That said, I'm not sure what you mean by wanting the relationship to progress/for him to step things up. You've been together for a year - at this stage you'd probably expect to know his friends and family, be official, be monogamous and see each other for much of the weekend. Is this where you're at with him? If you're wanting more than this, it's probably a bit early - so perhaps chill out a bit That's the thing. Other than being official and monogamous, this is not where I'm at with him. I have met family and friends, but we're not as integrated into each other's lives as I would like. Just things that I'd expect after a year together just aren't there.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 . I have met family and friends, but we're not as integrated into each other's lives as I would like. Just things that I'd expect after a year together just aren't there. IMO that is too abstract. You have to tell him what you want in specifics. Tell him you want him to talk to you when he's stressed Tell him you'd be OK visiting his grandfather or brother in the hospital or that you are there if he needs an extra pair of hands to drive somebody to a doctor's appointment. Tell him you want to have special things you do with his kids. Whatever it is that you want / need to feel more integrated you need to spell those out & not in some generalized way. Get specific.
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 I guess I draw those lines differently from where you draw them. At the mere one year mark I was never ready to commit & I would resent being drawn into somebody else's family drama. I don't see BF/GF as a partnership. I see it as temporary & easily broken off. There is no reliable commitment there for me. You want more then he can give. Because so much else is going on in his life you need to decide if you want to wait or walk. Personally if I felt like the relationship ought to be a partnership, I'd stick around & be a partner, the person who picks up the slack. I see, yes we are very different in that respect. I take relationships very seriously. I don't see BF/GF as temporary and easily broken off. I'd never be in a relationship with someone who thought of it that way. I do want more than he can give. He reassures me he can give it to me, just not today. Yes, I'm currently deciding whether to wait or walk, hence why I'm asking for advice here.
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 IMO that is too abstract. You have to tell him what you want in specifics. Tell him you want him to talk to you when he's stressed Tell him you'd be OK visiting his grandfather or brother in the hospital or that you are there if he needs an extra pair of hands to drive somebody to a doctor's appointment. Tell him you want to have special things you do with his kids. Whatever it is that you want / need to feel more integrated you need to spell those out & not in some generalized way. Get specific. I agree. Not sure where you got that I'm not specific with him. He knows exactly what I want. I just put it in general terms here so I don't type out an entire essay.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I agree. Not sure where you got that I'm not specific with him. He knows exactly what I want. I just put it in general terms here so I don't type out an entire essay. All I had to go on was what you wrote. If he has specifics but can't or won't meet you at least 1/2 way then perhaps this doesn't have as much long term potential for you as you would like. 1
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 Okay, so I think maybe this thread has gone off on a tangent... I'm just wondering if you guys would stay or walk away and why. And if you guys think he's stalling or if he really does just need time.
Author kookie84 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 All I had to go on was what you wrote. If he has specifics but can't or won't meet you at least 1/2 way then perhaps this doesn't have as much long term potential for you as you would like. Thank you. He says he can and will, but needs time. Although I'm not in a rush, I don't know even know how long that would take.
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Hello Kookie, give us specific examples of things you'd want in your relationship that he is denying and why he is denying them. I think 1 year in a dating relationship It's serious. After 1 year usually we are in love and we want to take it to the next level. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months, I am 50 and he's 48. I will argue with anyone telling me my relationship is not important because we are just GF/BF and we don't live together yet. We usually hear things like this on here from people who've been married for a while and they forgot how it is dating.
Bee4Shine Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Usually in a marriage, there are these ups and downs. When my husband is going through struggles, things sort of get put on hold, we hang in there together knowing that in a few days/weeks things will get back to normal. We talk about the changes, we seek to be intentional about working through our feelings and how we are making each other feel (like your BF is now). But in the long run, we know that it will work out. We have committed for the long haul...it is part of our understanding of marriage. Are you looking for the commitment? For your BF to say - he is here for the long haul? He sounds like a great guy.
frus69 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Okay, so I think maybe this thread has gone off on a tangent... I'm just wondering if you guys would stay or walk away and why. And if you guys think he's stalling or if he really does just need time. Purely from what you wrote here, I don't think he is stalling. He just comes with lots of baggage, some of them are life-long baggage. I would walk away( I wouldn't even start the relationship because I know I can't take so much baggage.) so if you can't Handle it you should stop wasting both of your time. If you entered the relationship because you can handle it, then you should stay and stop asking for more and more because it's just not fair for him. And he can't give you much at all at this stage.
Buddhist Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 He has been going through a lot the past couple months: problems at work, serious illness with his brother and grandfather, and issues with his kids and their mom. He's also stressed financially because all of this falls on his shoulders. We have been fighting because I feel like our relationship has stalled. I feel like I've been set aside while he sorts things out without me. I don't feel like a partner. He didn't even tell me about anything he was going through until last week when I thought about ending things because he had been so distant and just wasn't there for me. Not to come off rude here, but what about this situation makes you think you should be involved? Sure you can be pissed he hasn't been there for you, but cut the guy some slack, he's dealing with serious family issues and quite rightly doesn't want to include someone in his personal issues. Sorry but the bolded, paints you in an extremely unsympathetic and demanding light. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders and you're worried about things not progressing according to your schedule between the two of you. He said he wants me to be more patient, stay with him and work through things together. He said he didn't mean to make me feel unimportant, but that he just didn't want me to worry, especially trouble me with issues regarding his ex-wife, of all people. Which sounds completely reasonable. I want be there for him. Not leave him when he needs my support. Really? Because the next bit doesn't sound like it. I worry that he may be using these problems as an excuse to slow us down, or that maybe this is his roundabout way of sending the message that he's just not ready but wants to keep me around. Is it not true that if a man really wants to step things up, nothing would stop him if it was truly what he wanted? Or am I naive for believing that? This sounds completely self-involved if I'm being honest. He's dealing with a family crisis and all you can think about is how little attention you're getting these days and whether or not he's going to pop the question soon. Let me tell you, you've probably postponed your own engagement indefinitely by failing to have some perspective in this situation. Ideally he would have told you he was dealing with stuff instead of just being silent about it. But even after you knew about it all you could think about is your own needs. It doesn't sound very supportive at all and I'm sure he hasn't overlooked the fact. 2
Zapbasket Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Sorry I don't' think you're getting great advice so far on here at all. I've been on both sides of this situation--the person dealing with some stuff in the present that caused me to be unable to give to the relationship as I should have, and the person with someone who claimed to be in that situation. I'm with you: I take relationships very seriously, as soon as we have mutually acknowledged that we are officially in a relationship. I'm fiercely loyal and will fight for the relationship even when it hurts. However, at no time, and especially in the building stages (where you are at one year together), should the relationship be allowed by either partner to just stall. It's not like your bf is physically ill or otherwise incapacitated and can't continue to put effort into the relationship. His sound like problems that are going to be around for a while, and it's unrealistic for him to expect that you're just going to stand on the back burner and wait. If you guys were married ten years, say, then this might be appropriate, but not at this stage, not at all. At this stage, for a relationship to remain healthy and viable, it must be fed by both partners and must keep growing. Because you're right: how do you know that some ambivalence about the value of this relationship to him and his love for you doesn't play into this to some extent? You don't know. Which is why it's unfair for you to be expected to just stick around until...what? He suddenly decides to give a relationship his 100% after not being in it for a major part of its development? Relationships aren't bears; they can't go into hibernation. Also, at this point, letting him go is actually the most loving thing you can do--for you as well as for him. Free him to deal with this situation that is taking up everything he has to give. Free you to be first in your life. Save this obviously caring and giving nature of yours for when you are firmly in a committed relationship a.k.a. marriage or some acceptable (for you) equivalent (such as shared finances, living arrangements, etc.) with someone. So, yes, I vote go, not stay.
Recommended Posts