amy.a.9 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for six weeks. We typically see each other twice a week. It's going great. He's wonderful--funny, kind, doesn't push me, takes me on real dates, and generally treats me very well. I like him a lot and am very happy with how things are going. I may be moving across states in August for a year, which he knows. He said his feelings wouldn't change and he wouldn't go anywhere but he's scared about starting a LDR because they're hard. He's told me in general that he's committed and he deleted his OKC account (we met online). However, he does not want to define the relationship. He said one mistake he's made has been moving too fast and he's scared of making a mistake with me so he's trying to do things differently. He won't even use the term exclusive, even though we agreed we're not seeing other people. He said he'll definitely get there. Right now I'm seeing this as a yellow flag. I'd be a lot more worried if it were indefinite--me going away in August creates a clear timeline. He said from the beginning that he's coming off a hard breakup and wants to be casual. We haven't had sex. So, when do you typically DTR? I'm feeling like six weeks isn't that long and he's also so great that I shouldn't be concerned. However, I also KNOW I'd be concerned if I weren't going away and it were indefinite, so... idk. TLDR; I'm moving in three months, it's been six weeks, and he won't DTR out of fear. Should I be concerned? When did you define your relationship?
kztar Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for six weeks. We typically see each other twice a week. It's going great. He's wonderful--funny, kind, doesn't push me, takes me on real dates, and generally treats me very well. I like him a lot and am very happy with how things are going. I may be moving across states in August for a year, which he knows. He said his feelings wouldn't change and he wouldn't go anywhere but he's scared about starting a LDR because they're hard. He's told me in general that he's committed and he deleted his OKC account (we met online). However, he does not want to define the relationship. He said one mistake he's made has been moving too fast and he's scared of making a mistake with me so he's trying to do things differently. He won't even use the term exclusive, even though we agreed we're not seeing other people. He said he'll definitely get there. Right now I'm seeing this as a yellow flag. I'd be a lot more worried if it were indefinite--me going away in August creates a clear timeline. He said from the beginning that he's coming off a hard breakup and wants to be casual. We haven't had sex. So, when do you typically DTR? I'm feeling like six weeks isn't that long and he's also so great that I shouldn't be concerned. However, I also KNOW I'd be concerned if I weren't going away and it were indefinite, so... idk. TLDR; I'm moving in three months, it's been six weeks, and he won't DTR out of fear. Should I be concerned? When did you define your relationship? How old are you?. If you're moving In a few months I don't see the point in even establishing a relationship with this guy. Does he know you're leaving ? He might be hesitant about this too. I would not consider starting something serious with someone I just met who is leaving. Now if we have been through hell and back together and been together a while, clearly i'll consider. Honestly everyone works different but in my last relationship things moved wayyyy too fast. Official within 2 weeks, talking about marriage and children in two months, it all fell apart as fast as it started after the infatuation wore off. Now I would say three months is a good time to make it official. Anything before that is possible but you don't know this person much to really determine commitment to this person. It will become long distance and those rarely survive unless you have had an actual relationship with the person for maybe two years and up. Coming from a hard breakup myself I totally understand. He wants to actually see if you are a good match for him before committing. That takes much longer than just six weeks. If you are feeling so uncertain, voice how you feel to him and then he will tell you how he feels and you guys move on from there.
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 You are moving away so of course he has put on the brakes. Why would he even bother investing himself? It's a frivolous venture to be wanting a relationship when you will be relocating anyways. For now just date and keep yourself free to date others. Meet someone else at your new location.
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 What's DTR? The only important information in your post is he is recently coming out of a relationship. Do not touch those, not even with a 6'pole! All he says and does is typical of a man coming out of a relationship. He enjoys your company enough to delete his profile but he knows 100% that he is not ready for a new relationship.
Author amy.a.9 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 IMPORTANT DETAIL that I forgot to mention: I'm moving but it's temporary, around ten months, if that changes anything.
StormyEyes Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 In your situation, I'd keep seeing him until you move, but keep it friendly and casual, don't sleep with him. They say the best relationships start off as friends. If he is as great as you say he is, why not continue to build the friendship while you are away? Emails, phone calls, texts, and FaceTime make it easy to stay in contact and might help you two build something lasting. This happened to me once, although we both moved on romantically, he is now one of my very best friends. Making friends as an adult is hard.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Given that you only have a few months to work with and he is fresh out of a relationship and emotionally unavailable, you're not likely to build something lasting and strong enough to stand the test of a LDR, even a temporary one. I actually think the emotional unavailability is the most important part of your whole story. You should read up about it on the site Baggage Reclaim. It's best to keep your distance from him if he is still attached to his ex, as it will make it hard to develop any real feelings for you. Your best chance with him is to state your understanding of the circumstances (you moving, him newly single) and keep the relationship going as flirty friends now and while you are away. If you are still attracted to each other when you get back (and he's had time to heal), it could work.
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