Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 So me and my ex have been broken up for almost a month. He said he wanted to be be "friends" , we agreed ...had sex and then I freaked out and said we can't be anything and I needed to get over him. Ever since I said that total silence from him, I want to write him an email. Not to beg him back not to say I am lost without him. The letter will be for me, My peace of mind. ( we were friends 10 years before we had a relationship ) What do you think? I need some kind of closure for me, Don't we all? I feel this need to do it .... Opinions???? Please 1
fingerless_fisherman Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 my experience with "closure" is that there never really is any - it's something we tell ourselves to keep holding onto a relationship, because we don't want to let go. i think writing a letter (like you said, for YOU) could be helpful, but don't send it to him. it's a common suggestion in therapy that you write a letter to somebody to get what you have to say off your chest, and then burn/destroy it as a way to purge those feelings. i think if you take time to heal and be good to yourself right now, maybe you can return to being friends in the future? 10 years is a long time. emotions are high right now, so maybe NO CONTACT is best. 2
Satu Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Write the email, but don't send it. Closure only comes from inside and it comes out of acceptance. Just get on with your life. Take care. 4
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 He has a very bad incurable disease ...The letter would say I would always care and one day want to be friends. I do not hate him I wish him well, I would never regret that we loved although it did not work out. What if something happened to him....I would be devastated and I would always regret not sending the letter. 1
Tayla Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 op, write the letter. send it. that is "your closure". His is being dealt with thru moving on .. And living with the changes. I concede that most of my ex's and I are still friends.. And closure happens constantly as well as rebuilding on varying concerns. I wouldn't say closure was for myself.., sometimes It was for them to get the facts, re-access and regroup. So once you write it and send it, then what? Will it change the facts? 2
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 It will not change the facts but I will feel better, Like I said I need to do it for myself. Maybe it will help him too, We have been friends for a long, Maybe in the future we can be again, Plus his health issues, I just want him to know. I am not expecting anything back,. Thank you all !!!!
Giggles666 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I'm in a similar boat, only I knew this girl for 15 years. I have written about 40 letters, and not sent one. I'm no expert, but I would wait on it. Granted I do not know what disease it is and if he has long to live or what. If time is not of the essence, be patient. You knew him for 10 years, waiting is OK. Write it, let it sit for a couple days, rewrite it let it sit, repeat until you get it out of your system or feel like you don't need to ask others if you should send it. When we ask others if we should send letters, I feel part of us is questioning our thought process because we are emotional. 1
Laurenjade Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I got the closure you're seeking, I sent that final email, did it make me feel better? Not really. He did apologise (3 weeks late!) and tell me he couldn't deal with the time we spent apart. He then threw the standard 'I just want you to be happy and I don't think you will be with me' 'you'll always be special to me' and 'I've never felt about anyone the way I do about you' sh*t. It didn't help, I just was another nail in his coffin. If you think it would help you, write it, but don't send it. Trust me, it's just more painful 1
ALL OR NOTHING Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 So me and my ex have been broken up for almost a month. He said he wanted to be be "friends" , we agreed ...had sex and then I freaked out and said we can't be anything and I needed to get over him. Ever since I said that total silence from him, I want to write him an email. Not to beg him back not to say I am lost without him. The letter will be for me, My peace of mind. ( we were friends 10 years before we had a relationship ) What do you think? I need some kind of closure for me, Don't we all? I feel this need to do it .... Opinions???? Please If you chase it's over , instead stay strong don't contact him hel break and Youl end up knowing if he loves you. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 He has a very bad incurable disease ...The letter would say I would always care and one day want to be friends. I do not hate him I wish him well, I would never regret that we loved although it did not work out. What if something happened to him....I would be devastated and I would always regret not sending the letter. It sounds like you have good intentions in sending the letter. If nothing else, at least you know you left things on an amicable note with him. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Sending the letter will not help him. He probably won't read it. If he does he'll probably laugh at your pain. He may even publish it on the internet to humiliate you. Write the letter but never send it. My advice: find a safe space & burn it. As the smoke rises let it release your pain. Sending the letter accomplishes nothing but you are going to send it anyway because that is what you want to do no matter how ill-conceived that idea. 1
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 No idea what to do...he has MS I can't help but feel pain for him, Maybe I am too much of an empath. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Empathizing with him because he has MS is lovely. It makes you a nice person. The letter won't change anything. Send $20 to whatever group is out there working on a cure & be done with it. Do it in his name if you want but don't send the letter 1
privategal Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Do not write. Read the nc guide. He has alot of respect for you not chasing him and not reaching out. Leave it alone...what will be will be but now you are giving yourself false hope. Its over. Im so sorry but reaching out is bad. 1
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 I see yall's point and I know it's over ...I do not have false hope I don't want him back. I just hope one day we can be friends again. Not all relationships have to end badly I certainly do not hate him, I wish him the best. But maybe you are right , I need to let it go....I feel like he is in pain I know it sounds crazy but I can feel it. I will read the NC rules, I have never heard of that !
stillafool Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Sending the letter will not help him. He probably won't read it. If he does he'll probably laugh at your pain. He may even publish it on the internet to humiliate you. When I have received such letters they always go in the trash. I don't want to hurt myself by reading how F----d up I am.
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 I am sorry you have felt that way ! That is not my intention , i would never write a nasty letter we all have our faults and we all make mistakes. The letter would say I will always care and even if we did not work out we can always be friends. We said that to each other after the break up, He said it to me ...we were Ok until I opened my big mouth lol !!! IT IS MY FAULT WE didn't stay friends , but fck it guess I will just burn it and let go.
Zahara Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I am sorry you have felt that way ! That is not my intention , i would never write a nasty letter we all have our faults and we all make mistakes. The letter would say I will always care and even if we did not work out we can always be friends. We said that to each other after the break up, He said it to me ...we were Ok until I opened my big mouth lol !!! IT IS MY FAULT WE didn't stay friends , but fck it guess I will just burn it and let go. The truth is, you can't be friends. Not now. And I am sure your ex is smart enough to know that you freaked out because you were getting caught up emotionally and that is why you had to go NC. He's not ignorant to the fact that it was a difficult thing for you to do -- to be intimate with him knowing that it could not go any further. So, give him a little credit and find some consolation that he knows you love him and he knows that you would do anything for him. He knows this. You will be able to be friends one day. When you have reached a level of indifference, I am sure if you ever revisited this, he would be there to embrace it. I'm sure you both would have forgotten about this episode by then. I am sure he has friends and family to lean on so don't bear the responsibility of his wellbeing on your shoulders. If he chose to let you go, then it means that he believes he will be fine without you, regardless of his illness. So, let him be and focus on your own healing. 2
Author Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 The truth is, you can't be friends. Not now. And I am sure your ex is smart enough to know that you freaked out because you were getting caught up emotionally and that is why you had to go NC. He's not ignorant to the fact that it was a difficult thing for you to do -- to be intimate with him knowing that it could not go any further. So, give him a little credit and find some consolation that he knows you love him and he knows that you would do anything for him. He knows this. You will be able to be friends one day. When you have reached a level of indifference, I am sure if you ever revisited this, he would be there to embrace it. I'm sure you both would have forgotten about this episode by then. I am sure he has friends and family to lean on so don't bear the responsibility of his wellbeing on your shoulders. If he chose to let you go, then it means that he believes he will be fine without you, regardless of his illness. So, let him be and focus on your own healing. You are right - We can't be friends right now. Him more so than me... I agree he has friends and family , I just get over crap easily and he holds on to it. Remember I have known him over 10 years. It is not the first time. I still have a friend that says to write it and send even if he does not respond, I did what I felt what right and will have no regrets and peace of mind no matter the outcome.
Giggles666 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 In my personal opinion if you wait and do not contact you have a greater chance of being friends. I recently dated a friend of 15 years, she lied to me. Lied about something serious that created trust issues. My first urge was to save the friendship at all costs. I contacted her a couple of times, blamed me for everything...she still has no idea I know she lied to me. Ripped me to shreds, so then my next concern was trying to explain to her I got weird cause she lied to me, but at this point contacting her would just be silly. We're all different I suppose, but as of now 15 years of friendship was lost due her lying and then me trying to fix the friend thing. As I mentioned I have written numerous letters, never sent them. They vary from day to day, and at this point if he holds onto things even a good letter might make it harder for him to move on and/or heal. Unfortunately, romantic relationships can ruin friendships, and they often do. I feel for you I do but emotions can rule our rational thoughts. I don;t think anyone is implying to be nasty or to send a note would be nasty, but it opens a can of worms for the person holding on. It's hard to let go. 15 years for me, I took a gamble and now I learned the price...to be honest I struggle with sending her a letter also, but know now I can not send anything to her at all costs if I truly do hope to one day be friends.
ConfusedCloud Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 (edited) I have also learned that closure doesn't really exist. I would not send the email if I were you - because if HE wanted to reach out, then HE would. To be honest, I think the fact that he had sex with you after you broke up and he said he just wanted to be friends, sounds like he used you a little bit. I tried to get closure on my last relationship, and it made things even worse. I think you're just using the idea of sending an email as a last ditch-effort to provoke a response from him since you said he hasn't said anything since your last conversation, which by the way, he should have. I think his silence is closure enough. By the way, whenever ex's say they want to be friends, its a cop-out. Its never true. Its simply impossible because once you have a sexual romantic relationship with someone, you can never just go back to "being friends". There will always be feelings or other motives lurking just under the surface. Some people might disagree with me, but I think if someone is really honest with themselves, they'll agree with me. Edited May 12, 2016 by ConfusedCloud 2
Author Miss99 Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 Thank you for your response , To be honest I initiated the sex after we said we were just friends, Not gonna lie I wanted to do it. There def was love there that night the next morning we hugged like never before and all was good. Then days later I said no to being friends I freaked out and told him I wanted to move and get over him..So we could not be friends. No contact after that...But you know what maybe it is best this way. We can't be friends...not now at least. And you guys are right , I feel really bad but writing him may make him feel worse. Maybe we were meant to have this relationship to learn , and we are just not for eachother? My tummy turns because I still care for him but I think I gotta let go. I feel torn but I am leaning towards NC at all ........
Simon Phoenix Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 The letter will not go the way you want it to go. He's not going to have some new appreciation for you that he didn't have before. At best, you're telling him something he already knows (that you like him and that you're on the hook). At worst you're either a) being pushy with your feelings or b) giving him pity that he does not want in his life. Write whatever you need to write, but do not send. 1
Author Miss99 Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 Maybe ...maybe not !!!!! lol Thanks for the advice.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Maybe ...maybe not !!!!! lol Thanks for the advice. It's a bad idea to send. Sorry. 1
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