fingerless_fisherman Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) hi everyone, thanks in advance for reading this. i'll try and be brief, here - my ex and i were dating for about a year and a half. things were going really well for most of that time, up until a couple months ago. she withdrew physically, and we weren't having sex that often. she was making less and less time for me and our relationship, and i felt like she was prioritizing her work over us and our time together. i eventually told her this was not acceptable, we tried to find a solution to no avail. this retreat happened pretty suddenly, and i was left very confused. we have had multiple talks where we decide to break up - during the talks, she would say that she loved me, and then held my hand, hugged me, kissed me, etc. a couple days later, confused by her behavior, i called her and said that i'd be willing to make it work and work with her for a solution, but she closed the door on that and said i wanted a kind of emotional commitment she couldn't give me. none of her relationships go past the year and a half point, which i guess is important to consider. fast forward to very recently: i went over to her place so we could exchange belongings, and we talked for a while (she cried a lot). we ended up having sex, and she said that she already misses me. she's going backpacking in central america for a month, so we won't talk for a while, but she said she'd be thinking about me the whole time. she also said that when she gets back she'll hit me up and hopefully we can get together, if i'm up for it. i've been seeing other people and going on dates in order to put myself back out there, and i have an amazing support system of friends, but still remain confused by her behavior. any insight on what's going on with her, since she's been pretty tight-lipped about her feelings/motivations? thanks so much. Edited May 11, 2016 by fingerless_fisherman 1
Miss99 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 From what you wrote she sounds confused of her feelings for you. I think this trip will do you and her some good, While she is gone go out and have fun. Maybe you need this time to see that you truly love each other and belong together. What is meant to be will happen ! 1
Satu Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 snip *i've been seeing other people and going on dates in order to put myself back out there, and i have an amazing support system of friends, but still remain confused by her behavior. any insight on what's going on with her, since she's been pretty tight-lipped about her feelings/motivations? thanks so much. *Bad idea. Spend some time alone healing your wounds, and doing self-reflection. You're trying to fill the void from outside, and that never works. Healing, not distraction. Take care. 2
drewbee30 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 snip *Bad idea. Spend some time alone healing your wounds, and doing self-reflection. You're trying to fill the void from outside, and that never works. Healing, not distraction. Take care. I agree. Mourn alone, you're only delaying the healing. I was maybe a month out of my 10 year relationship and my stepmom set me up with a girl. It was suppose to be just for "fun" and get back out there. Anyways, we'd hang out once a week and this lasted for about 4. The day after I would always feel 50x's worse. Once we cut the cord on it, I noticed a change. These people are just filling a void. You may feel happy in the moment, but trust me, deep down its doing nothing positive for you. 1
LD1990 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 she's going backpacking in central america for a month, so we won't talk for a while, but she said she'd be thinking about me the whole time. she also said that when she gets back she'll hit me up and hopefully we can get together, if i'm up for it. I hope you didn't buy that "I'll be thinking about you the whole time" nonsense. Sounds to me like she didn't feel as strongly towards you as you did towards her and dumped you so she could hook up with whoever she wanted on her backpacking trip. She's keeping you around as a backup plan for when she gets back. I don't necessarily agree that you should avoid dating. I wouldn't recommend jumping into a new relationship, but honestly, casual dating can be fun. You can have your solitary reflection time and still have time to date. Now, if you're the type to fast track a new relationship just to fill that void in your life, it's probably best to avoid dating. But there's nothing wrong with getting out there, flirting, having the occasional date or some NSA sex. It's different for everyone, but I started dating shortly after my breakup and I found it a fun diversion.
Author fingerless_fisherman Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 thank you for your responses. i guess if i look at the situation objectively, it just doesn't seem worth it to worry about her or what she's doing for the next month. when she gets back and tries to contact me (because she will), what is the best course of action for politely and firmly letting her know that i need to take friendship off the table (at least temporarily), go no contact and heal on my own terms?
LD1990 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Just tell her you've thought about it and you don't want to be friends. You can phrase it however you like, but keep it impersonal, and if you want to be extra-polite end it with some semblance of "wish you the best." She may not be took keen on this when you first tell her, but stick to your guns and she'll get the message.
ForeverAlone2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Break ups are difficult. I have only recently exited a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I found that it helps to adopt the idea of 'dating yourself'. I know it sounds strange, but for me it filled the void I was feeling. To a certain extent, it empowered me. There will be moments when you break down but overall you will be happier. Loving yourself is key through any break up. Make yourself a nice meal. Enjoy your own company. Work on your hobbies. Take up new classes Go on a date with yourself - I am planning to dress up and go to a funky little coffee shop. I hope it all works out for you.
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