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Here we go again

WhirlwindGuy

By WhirlwindGuy
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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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If you are sexually active with someone forget about letting things develop organically. You first need to be safe. If you and her are having sex with 2 other partner and those are also having sex with 2 other partners at the end having sex with this 1 woman is like having sex with 36 people.

 

 

 

This is part of my concern. We had sex Saturday and the condom broke. I didn't notice it right away, but when I did I grabbed a new one.

 

 

Afterward we talked about going to get tested together just for piece of mind. Her idea. I had recently been tested about a month ago, I can pull up my clean results in my app...lol...not so much worried if I have anything, but she could of course...

 

 

To me, a conversation like that would indicate she already sees us as exclusive. Once again, I always hate to assume.

sc0316 Established Member

sc0316

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I guess this is where things get muddy for us. I kind of had the same idea, but we've done a lot of "multi day" type dates.

 

 

For instance...

 

 

I came over Friday this weekend and just left this morning. We have plans to hang out again Wednesday. Friday through Monday...1 date? 4? We went out twice, stayed in all day Saturday and watched movies in bed...

 

 

I guess when you do things a little unorthodox, it confuses things a bit maybe.

 

Is it a great idea to have such a marathon date so early on??

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Mikau Established Member

Mikau

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I think you should bring up exclusivity when you want to. Considering you posted on LoveShack about it, it would appear you do.

 

I can't understand all these people trying to tiptoe around issues because they're affraid it'll scare their partner off. If you can't have an open, honest conversation about this you're probably not going to last anyway. Might as well find out now.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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Is it a great idea to have such a marathon date so early on??

 

 

 

Judging by my propensity to make mistakes in dating...probably not at all.

 

 

Did we enjoy it and have a great time...yes.

 

 

Went out Friday and went to bed early, stayed in most of the day Saturday, I had to leave and coach my sons Bball game that afternoon, came back and went out for dinner and drinks, went on a mini road trip Sunday to a vineyard and lunch in the country. Woke up this morning and went to work.

 

 

We had a blast and I feel like we really got a good chance to know each other better. I would say it was a win...but then again, im usually wrong and there is probably some major reason why I shouldn't have done it.

gimlynick Established Member

gimlynick

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Judging by my propensity to make mistakes in dating...probably not at all.

 

 

Did we enjoy it and have a great time...yes.

 

 

Went out Friday and went to bed early, stayed in most of the day Saturday, I had to leave and coach my sons Bball game that afternoon, came back and went out for dinner and drinks, went on a mini road trip Sunday to a vineyard and lunch in the country. Woke up this morning and went to work.

 

 

We had a blast and I feel like we really got a good chance to know each other better. I would say it was a win...but then again, im usually wrong and there is probably some major reason why I shouldn't have done it.

 

It's perfect!

If you both are comfortable together, then why not!?

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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My second serious bf and I became exclusive after about one month.

 

My third serious bf and I became exclusive on the second date.

 

It all depends on the type of connection you share....

 

Every relationship is different depending on the particular connection you have established with each person you embark on a RL with.

 

At least that is how it is for me.

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Larryville Established Member

Larryville

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Should you bring it up, or just let things develop naturally?

 

We have spent multiple nights together, had sex a handful of times, been on about 4 real dates and a few other "hang out" type dates. Do you think im out of line for considering bringing up exclusivity at this point?

 

Hang out dates vs "real" dates... I don't get that line...

 

If someone is really into you it should be pretty obvious. In terms of body language, the type of conversations, the inquiry into each other’s lives because someone who really is not looking long term is not going to inquire about the intricacies of your life, your hopes, dreams, future plans, goals.

 

I approach exclusivity between 3 to 5 dates. Never any longer especially if we are intimate.

 

Yes and after the sex do you/he/she still talk, return calls, texts, keep plans?

 

I usually fall quickly and move fast.

 

You already know this but still engaging in the same behaviors that would ultimately destroy this relationship before it starts....

 

We have been seeing each other for about 2.5 weeks, spending a ton of time together.

 

If you care about this developing in any meaningful way, back off or your next post will be about how she is fading on you.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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I usually fall quickly and move fast.

 

You already know this but still engaging in the same behaviors that would ultimately destroy this relationship before it starts....

 

 

 

If you care about this developing in any meaningful way, back off or your next post will be about how she is fading on you.

 

 

 

I guess ultimately I don't believe that moving fast is necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be a bad thing with the wrong person. I think with the right person it can be good, or at the very least, neutral.

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Larryville Established Member

Larryville

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I guess ultimately I don't believe that moving fast is necessarily a bad thing.

 

Really? Find one relationship expert who would concur with you.

 

People who are alcoholics, or substance abusers, chronic relationship addicts don’t think they have a problem either.

 

I say this all the time, if you did not deep down think there was an issue then why post here about it?

 

People don’t post here when all is cool or going well. Either there is an issue OR you believe there WILL be an issue at some point.

 

WWG, I did not go back and review prior stuff, I’ve been away for a couple of weeks but if I remember you have mentioned this being an issue many times before and it never ends up well. You can’t change a problem when you refuse to acknowledge there is one.

 

If you don’t see a problem then keep doing what you are doing and see how that works out for ya.

 

As for your last line that is just simple rationalization, but hey… Good Luck.

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candie13 Established Member

candie13

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everyone makes mistakes, OP. You will have to learn to trust yourself and your instinct. Irrelevant of if she is seeing other people or not, to me, it's all about peace of mind.

 

If you feel the moment is right, open your mouth and talk. Worse comes to worst, she will assume you are not serious about her and start seeing other people, to prevent herself from developing feelings - since you're not bringing up the exclusivity talk.

 

Do what seems right to you. F*ck rules, you're already sleeping together, seeing eachtother for over 3 weeks and have plans together. I think it'll be more like a quick check to make it formal. If it's on your mind, confront it.

 

cheers

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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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You can bring up exclusitivty whenever you want. Or you can bring it up when you feel she wants the same thing. Or you don't bring it up at all, show it in your actions instead. Some people need the talk to feel safe/secure or whatever, some don't need verbal validation

 

I never had relationship talks with any of my (ex) boyfriends. With my current bf we didn't talk about it either. After two months of seeing him I could just tell he likes me too much to see anyone else. He probably thinks the same. After 2 months he started calling himself my borfriend. After 3 months he started to invite me to family events. Everything has flown organically without any discussion. I personally like things this way

Dis Established Member

Dis

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You can bring up exclusitivty whenever you want. Or you can bring it up when you feel she wants the same thing. Or you don't bring it up at all, show it in your actions instead. Some people need the talk to feel safe/secure or whatever, some don't need verbal validation

 

I never had relationship talks with any of my (ex) boyfriends. With my current bf we didn't talk about it either. After two months of seeing him I could just tell he likes me too much to see anyone else. He probably thinks the same. After 2 months he started calling himself my borfriend. After 3 months he started to invite me to family events. Everything has flown organically without any discussion. I personally like things this way

 

Maybe your ex's are your ex's because you didnt have the exclusivity talk...and perhaps you should consider talking to your current man about it now so he doesnt become another ex.

 

Exclusivity cannot be assumed it needs to be agreed upon....assumptions lead to confusion, blurry lines, unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

 

If there is no formal discussion and agreement of both parties...there is no exclusivity.

 

OP, I dont think its ever too early to have that talk. All exclusivity means is an agreement to focus solely on each other...it doesnt mean your proposing marriage. If it feels right go for it.

 

If you dont have the talk she is free to date whomever she wishes...someone else could scoop her up.

frus69 Established Member

frus69

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Maybe your ex's are your ex's because you didnt have the exclusivity talk...and perhaps you should consider talking to your current man about it now so he doesnt become another ex.

 

Exclusivity cannot be assumed it needs to be agreed upon....assumptions lead to confusion, blurry lines, unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

 

Funny you said that and I wholeheartedly disagree.

I broke up with two of my ex because 1.i was moving away for my career and 2. He was not good enough for me. Neither had anything to do with "exclusitivty"

 

Also while exclusitivty cannot be assumed, when you know , you just know. I don't blindly assume someone is exclusive with me after just one date. But I know he is exclusive when I've met his family and friends, when he keeps all his promises,when he's consistent , when he does everything to make me happy , for example.

 

Different strokes for different blokes I guess.i don't see the point talking about exclusitivty because even she agrees to be exclusive doesn't mean her feelings will never change, or she will never fall for someone else. But if it's necessary for you, you sure should do it. I never said you shouldn't discuss.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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I don't get the impression she is a multi dating type. There have just been too many comments and actions that suggest she is focusing on this only. Just like those above have mentioned "knowing", I just kind of feel like all signs point to the fact that she is treating it as exclusive.

 

 

Of course I dont know that for sure, I deleted OKC and Tinder from my phone about a week in, so I haven't checked to see if she has been back online on OKC. I've been tempted to load it back and check, but that is silly and what would I do with that information, should I get it?

 

 

I think I am just going to let things go for now. I may bring it up in a couple of weeks, but for now I think its probably best to just go with the flow and enjoy myself. If she is dating someone else, ultimately its going to be her loss.

 

 

My only big concern is we are sexually active, and I would really prefer her not to sleep with someone else if she is sleeping with me. We use protection, but there are still chances something breaks or fails...and that is not really a risk I want to take.

ses Established Member

ses

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Good luck, WG! :) Be easy on yourself, and have fun.

 

I would discuss other contraceptive options (IUD, the pill, the patch, etc) with her if you're worried about the condom breaking again in the future. All options are easily reversible if/when children become an option. There are also non-hormonal options available if she's wary of side effects. Communication is key and this should be an important discussion between y'all. STDs and an unplanned pregnancy are no fun.

Edited by ses
SomethingToSay Established Member

SomethingToSay

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There is nothing wrong with moving fast if there arent red flags and if you arent doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

I say if you wanna bring up exclusivity then bring it up. Its not like you are asking her to marry you. I bet she will be very releived since she obviously likes you a lot.

 

This relationship sounds exactly like how my current R started. Met online and just clicked. 3rd date stayed the night and pretty much every night we were available since then. We just got married in Nov.

 

Sometimes its just right. THE most important thing is watch out for red flags and keep communication open.

 

But my question is how old is your son and where does he fit in with all this??

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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