Avoidant People: What Do You Wish Your Clingy Partner Would Say To You?

[Kamille]

My personality style is secure-avoidant.

 

When I want to be alone, I want to be alone. I also don't want anyone to micro-manage me or fix my problems for me, nor do I want to have to micro-manage or fix anyone else. There's nothing wrong with my personality style.

 

In past relationships, my avoidant side has made partners insecure. It usually turns into a vicious circle: I need alone space, they feel insecure, make more demands on my time and I need more alone space to cope. I would love to meet a man who simply understood that I need a lot of time alone and that it isn't a reflection of what I feel for him.

 

In dating, I might fall outside the norm. I feel like I date a lot of men who think all women are in a rush to get in a relationship. Men generally push for a relationship too quickly for me. I also don't want to text back and forth, I don't want to rush into a relationship, I don't want to spend every single moment with men. Basically, don't expect a lot of contact upfront.

 

I'm attracted to men who show up, flirt a little and then don't come on too strong to quickly. Slow. So if you're going to flirt with these women, do so with confidence but don't expect validation from them.

[preraph]

For all we know, the woman isn't clinically avoidant at all and this may just be something he has assigned to her so as not to face his own issues.

[pteromom]

My definition of avoidant is different than yours. To me, an "avoidant" is someone who sticks their head into the sand to not deal with issues. This is the person who won't speak up when something is bothering them. The person who takes out their frustrations on Ben and Jerry or a shopping spree rather than dealing with their issues. The person who puts on their rose colored glasses and ignores problems.

 

What you are describing is someone who is INDEPENDENT.

 

As someone who is independent, the most important thing to me isn't space. It's respect and acceptance of who I am and what I like to do. So the worst thing would be to try to talk me out of doing something I want to do, or lay guilt on me for choosing something else "over" my partner.

 

The best things to say are supportive kind things. No moping. No sitting around like a dog just waiting for me to return. Have a healthy independent life yourself.

 

BUT -

 

You need to think about what you want in a relationship.

 

What does your perfect relationship look like? How much time would you spend together? How much time apart? How romantic? How physical? Then you need to find a girl who wants the same things! Because that will make you much happier than learning to bend yourself to another person's will.

[MrDuck]

I don't think i'm avoidant. I do think I'm pretty independent. I'm more used to only having myself to rely on than having other people around.

 

 

In the situation you describe I'd want them to be super authentic with me, NOT feed me some sentence they think I want to hear (that's needy) but speak because they've got something they want to say.

 

 

Id want her to simply be her. I wouldn't be there if I didn't like her.

[Wave Rider]

Well, I appreciate the responses. But it seems from the discussion that nobody really knows the answer, or that people believe that there isn't an answer, or that I'm asking the wrong question or taking the wrong approach.

 

Most of what you've said, I've heard before. Yeah, I get it that I ought to be ditching the avoidant partners in favor of the secure partners. If that would have worked, I wouldn't be on this forum. Every time I feel chemistry with a woman I meet, she turns out to be avoidant, just as sure as the sun will rise. I've even tried pursuing women that I didn't feel chemistry for, but in those cases, she ended things because she didn't feel the chemistry.

 

I get it that I'm supposed to work out issues of why I am attracted to avoidant women. I believe I know the answer to this question, which is that I am re-creating my childhood environment by seeking a woman who is like my avoidant father, and and trying to get this avoidant woman to love me and to be available to me the way that my father never did. This insight does not change the fact that I continue to be attracted to these women.

 

I get it that I'm supposed heal these wounds on my own and develop secure attachment on my own so that I can be attracted to secure women. But there is currently no evidence that secure attachment can be developed in adulthood through psychotherapy. There is some evidence that it can be developed in a relationship with a secure partner. But this presents a catch-22: I can't have secure attachment until I am in a relationship with a secure partner, but I can't have a relationship with a secure partner until I have secure attachment (because there is no chemistry.)

 

The only therapy method I see that works within the allowable situation is Imago therapy, where I find an Imago match, who will be an avoidant woman, and go through the process of change with her, where I allow her to be more independent and she allows herself to be more affectionate with me.

 

It would be much easier if I could just find a secure partner, but I can't because neither of us feel the necessary chemistry. And secure attachment can only be developed within a relationship; there is no current method for single people to develop secure attachment through psychotherapy.

 

I am currently seeing the 17th therapist I have been to in my life, so I feel I know enough about therapy to know what hasn't worked for me.

 

So if there isn't an answer to my original question, then perhaps I am stuck being single and I will somehow have to come to terms with that.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Wave Rider

[mikeylo]

I don't have anything views on your questions but I would say that you are apparently thinking too much. Strange things happen in life. When you least except ? Don't give up on finding the right girl. You never know , you would come across someone tomorrow and click like pieces of a puzzle and forget about your issues. Happens all the time !

 

It doesn't mean that you stop working on yourself !

[Wave Rider]

Here is the link for no evidence.

[preraph]

I think you keep trying to make what sounds like a normal woman to me sound like she is insecure and has some big problem when it's you that has the problem. But you let us know how this goes down when you try to convince her that not wanting to be around you and having you pry inside her head all the time is all her problem.

[xxoo]

There is some evidence that it can be developed in a relationship with a secure partner. But this presents a catch-22: I can't have secure attachment until I am in a relationship with a secure partner, but I can't have a relationship with a secure partner until I have secure attachment (because there is no chemistry.) .

 

There is evidence that a secure attachment can be developed in a relationship with a secure partner because it has happened. How has it happened for others?

 

What are the specific behaviors that create chemistry for you? Is it the pulling away that draws you in?

 

While I would NOT practice with exes (again, you can not practice giving space by initiating contact), you can practice giving space with new dating partners. Simply take a breath and give some time when you hear something that sets off your anxiety. Take time to reply. This will have 2 positive results: your reply will be more measure and less anxious, and you will literally give them space between communications.

 

Take enough time to make some plans of your own.

 

When you reply, mention your own plans. You're busy, too. It's all good.

 

If every time your gf is wanting space you use that as an opportunity to do something for yourself on your own, you should have lots of opportunity for personal development

[PrettyEmily77]

Honestly, when it gets to an unhealthy level of clingyness, I'd hope any 'clingy' partner would wake up, smell the coffee and say 'I'm done'. And leave it there.

 

These relationships are not good to be in on either side of the fence so if you're unhappy and you know you're unhappy because your needs aren't met, don't make her meet your needs; just go and find someone who will. Realising the dynamics of a relationship are doomed is a good thing; forcing things when you already know that is a recipe for distaster (from experience).

[Emilia]

I'll elaborate more on what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to do relationship therapy even though I'm not in a relationship, which is admittedly tricky. I am trying to work on ways that I would give an avoidant woman space if I were in a relationship with her.

 

I have a few avoidant women that I have been involved with - some former girlfriends and some women I've just been on dates with - that I want to practice giving more space to. Or perhaps relate to them in a way that would indicate that I would give them more space. Or just deal with them differently than before.

 

So I was hoping to have some things to say to them that would encourage their independence, like things that I could post in comments on their facebook posts, or in a message I might send to them. Since I'm not in a relationship with them any of them, and I only rarely talk to any of them directly, I am looking for ways to "give them space" and show them that I now encourage their need for independence, whereas before I was always trying to get closer to them.

 

So that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for things I can say to them in facebook comments or messages that show that I encourage their need for space and independence, rather what I did before, which was try various strategies for getting closer to them. I believe that this might also help to heal me and reduce my clinginess. Simply ignoring these women won't help. I need something that I can say to them that shows that I encourage their independence.

You are trying to fix the problem by trying to fix the symptom rather than the underlying issue.

 

The problem is that you are attracted to women that participate in the push-pull dynamic rather than to those that don't.

 

This is usually a boundary issue: those women and yourself have leaky boundaries, there is probably a lot of flirting and obvious attraction in the beginning, only for it to cool later and have the push/pull begin.

 

The way to tackle this is by setting and enforcing boundaries, learning how to select people that are securely attached, NOT by suppressing your needs.

[katiegrl]

To the OP -- you say you become attracted to women who are *avoidant*.

 

But how do you know they are avoidant when you first meet and become attracted?

 

You said earlier that when you begin dating these so-called avoidant women, things are awesome and you feel secure and great!

 

It is only later in the relationship when they start showing signs of being avoidant.

 

This leads me to suspect you are not attracted because they are avoidant, but despite that they are avoidant. Or become avoidant later.

 

One has to also wonder if they are even avoidant at all. Perhaps they just get turned off after awhile and want to pull back because of that.

 

I have been accused of being avoidant or commitment phobe or whatevs, when the fact is I found their needy behavior suffocating and got turned off.

 

Big difference.

 

The issue I am seeing is not that you get attracted to these women.

 

The issue is once they start exhibiting avoidant behavior, you choose to stay! Twist yourself into a pretzel in an attempt to be what "they" want you to be.

 

Asking for opinions as to what to say or how to act ...to convey the message you accept their desire to avoid you.

 

What do YOU want? Do you want to be with a woman who wishes to avoid you? That is what it looks like to me. If so... Why?

 

THAT is what you need to explore within yourself. Through introspection. Therapy or both.

 

Also you might be surprised to learn that this same woman who is wanting to avoid you, may become the anxious one with another guy who wishes to avoid HER!

 

People can go back and forth, between active avoider (the one running away), and anxious avoider (the one pushing for more).

 

One thing they both have in common though is that they are both avoiding closeness and intimacy! Different sides of the SAME coin.

 

One passively and the other actively.

 

You should read "He's Scared , She's Scared - Hidden Fears That Sabotage Our Relationships".

 

It discusses in great detail passive (anxious) avoidance vs. active avoidance.

 

Toss whatever you are reading out! It is obviously not helping!

Edited May 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

One more thing to the OP.

 

I understand the link between what you experienced as a child with one parent or both.... and the desire to project that experience on to your romantic relationships. In an attempt to resolve the underlying issue you had with the dysfunctional parent via your current (also dysfunctional partner or RL).

 

That often doesn't work though, as evidenced by the many RLs you have had but NOTHING has been resolved.

 

All your are doing is repeating a pattern that is familiar to you.

 

IMO the only way to resolve these issues is through the help of a qualified therapist or even psycho-therapist.

 

The issues you had with your dysfunctional parent(s) need to be brought to the surface so that all that pain can be RELEASED. Right now it's hidden below, festering.... only to be repeated by attracting the same types of women to you (as your dysfunctional parent).

 

Nothing will be resolved this way.... just repeated.

 

If your parent was distant and didn't give you attention or love, that is the type of woman you will be drawn to.

 

It's familiar to you.

 

You need to break the dysfunctional cycle, not find ways to continue it!

 

I hope one day you will understand this and get the help you need.

 

Otherwise, you are seriously doomed to be drawn into these dysfunctional RLs which will never bring you true peace and happiness, within YOURSELF.

Edited May 12, 2016 by katiegrl