Avoidant People: What Do You Wish Your Clingy Partner Would Say To You?

May 10, 2016

I have a question for people who have more of an avoidant attachment style, who want more space and independence in their relationships, and who often experience their partners as being needy and clingy.

If there was one things that your needy clingy partner could say to you that would be music to your ears, what would it be?

Would you want them to say that they had decided to give you more space? Or that they wanted you to do things without them? Or that they were going to encourage you to explore the world on your own, and they'd be waiting when you got back?

As an anxious person, the most magical thing my avoidant girlfriends could have said to me was that they thought I was handsome and that they wanted to spend more time snugging on the couch with me.

What is an equally magical thing than an anxious person could say to their avoidant partner?

May 10, 2016

Wave rider,

In my experience avoidant partners haven't known that they are avoidant, so the question is a bit wasted.

May 10, 2016

Wave rider,

In my experience avoidant partners haven't known that they are avoidant, so the question is a bit wasted.

Should I re-post as a question for "people who want space"?

May 10, 2016

I would want them to say much less to me in general and not have to micromanage every little conversation and tailor it to try to get on my good side in hopes they can get away with being clingy that way. I would want them to stop trying to get into my head space all the time. Talk about suffocating!

I would want for them to ask what is the ideal frequency, how many days a week and for how long, they would like to have company and I'd try to get used to that or if I couldn't, I'd move on and find someone more needy.

Why don't you take up a time consuming sport or hobby to keep you from centering around her.

May 10, 2016

I would want them to say much less to me in general and not have to micromanage every little conversation and tailor it to try to get on my good side in hopes they can get away with being clingy that way. I would want them to stop trying to get into my head space all the time. Talk about suffocating!

I would want for them to ask what is the ideal frequency, how many days a week and for how long, they would like to have company and I'd try to get used to that or if I couldn't, I'd move on and find someone more needy.

Why don't you take up a time consuming sport or hobby to keep you from centering around her.

This is valuable information. So you'd like to come to some agreement about how close your relationship would be, instead of them always pushing for more. And you feel like you'd want them to talk to you less in general, and you're tired of them always analyzing you and trying to find ways to penetrate your defenses and get closer to you. Is that right?

Is there something they could say to you that would validate your need for more independence?

I'll tell you what, when I was in relationships with women who wanted space, I did my best to give them that space. But no matter how much space I gave them, it was never enough. They always wanted more space. I got to the point where I was pretty much ignoring them, almost not texting or talking to them at all, and asking almost nothing from them, and they still acted like they felt I was being too clingy.

So I am wondering if there was something I could say to them that would validate their insatiable need for more space and independence.

May 10, 2016

person who doesnt want space says..so clingy or the dreaded neeedy...

I understand your need for space and I appreciate your space i know it doesnt mean you love me less at all

the person who needs space says..

.i appreciate you and all that you do and i respect that you want to spend time closer together so how about this weekend we go somewhere you and me......

im a a multiple personality so we have this conversation internally all the time...:0)..we have been having this exact dialogue regularly for years now and it always succeeds to nullify any ill willl.......cheers ...deb

May 10, 2016

This is valuable information. So you'd like to come to some agreement about how close your relationship would be, instead of them always pushing for more. And you feel like you'd want them to talk to you less in general, and you're tired of them always analyzing you and trying to find ways to penetrate your defenses and get closer to you. Is that right?

Is there something they could say to you that would validate your need for more independence?

I'll tell you what, when I was in relationships with women who wanted space, I did my best to give them that space. But no matter how much space I gave them, it was never enough. They always wanted more space. I got to the point where I was pretty much ignoring them, almost not texting or talking to them at all, and asking almost nothing from them, and they still acted like they felt I was being too clingy.

So I am wondering if there was something I could say to them that would validate their insatiable need for more space and independence.

Yes to the first paragraph.

For the rest, that's being clingy and pressuring them. The only validation that you understand they want space is to give them space and not analyze everything and not have to contact them all the time and not see them any more than they want to be seen and even then, to keep it short and leave them wanting more.

However, I get this does not fulfill your needs. But if this keeps happening, then you may have to adjust if you want to keep a girlfriend.

May 11, 2016

I wish that they wouldn't say anything to me...

Why?

Cuz if they have friends, hobbies, interests, etc outside of "us", they'd be too busy enjoying life instead of talking to me 24/7.

But "if" there was something I would like them to say to me?

Answer: It would be them telling me how their time was at work, with friends, at the gym, etc over dinner/breakfast/a few min chat with them.

May 11, 2016

Yes to the first paragraph.

For the rest, that's being clingy and pressuring them. The only validation that you understand they want space is to give them space and not analyze everything and not have to contact them all the time and not see them any more than they want to be seen and even then, to keep it short and leave them wanting more.

However, I get this does not fulfill your needs. But if this keeps happening, then you may have to adjust if you want to keep a girlfriend.

But wait...ignoring her is still being clingy?

May 11, 2016

Were you recontacting them back before they contacted you back? If so, that is still being pushy.

But now, if someone doesn't want to hear from you at all, that is not a relationship. That is getting away.

May 11, 2016

Is there something they could say to you that would validate your need for more independence?

I'll tell you what, when I was in relationships with women who wanted space, I did my best to give them that space. But no matter how much space I gave them, it was never enough. They always wanted more space. I got to the point where I was pretty much ignoring them, almost not texting or talking to them at all, and asking almost nothing from them, and they still acted like they felt I was being too clingy.

So I am wondering if there was something I could say to them that would validate their insatiable need for more space and independence.

You're looking for words that will make one or both of you feel better about this situation?

Space validates their need for space. Not words.

But since they are drawn to you (and you to them), the better question might be--how are they validated by your need, and how are you validated by their distance?

May 11, 2016

OT: Does anyone else else see this "avoidant" etc. stuff and read "divergent/insurgent/allegiant?"

May 11, 2016

Hmmm.....all of this isn't very encouraging so far.

But since they are drawn to you (and you to them), the better question might be--how are they validated by your need, and how are you validated by their distance?

Yeah, this is the problem. I'm drawn to them like bugs to a porch light, and they are similarly drawn to me. There just isn't any getting away from it, so I've decided to try to work within that. I've gone through all the theory of how we validate each other, as explained by Imago therapy, which is what I'm working with.

One of the Imago ideas is that one of the childhood wounds of an avoidant - at least the ones I'm attracted to - is that they had a clingy parent who wouldn't let them explore the world. So they're stuck in this unmet need of wanting freedom and independence, and they seek out a needy person to re-enact the scenario of escaping from a clingy parent, so they can finally get it right this time. I am looking for ways to validate that need for independence beyond simply living by her rules.

So far I'm hearing from people that I'm just going to have to live by her rules and there's nothing more I can do about it, other than end the relationship. But if I do leave, I'll invariably wind up being attracted to another avoidant.

So I'm looking for some ways to solve this.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Wave Rider

May 11, 2016

One of the Imago ideas is that one of the childhood wounds of an avoidant - at least the ones I'm attracted to - is that they had a clingy parent who wouldn't let them explore the world. So they're stuck in this unmet need of wanting freedom and independence, and they seek out a needy person to re-enact the scenario of escaping from a clingy parent, so they can finally get it right this time. I am looking for ways to validate that need for independence beyond simply living by her rules.

Basically, you want to "fix" them so that they will better meet your needs and demand less space.

You'd have far better luck "fixing" yourself so that you are no longer clingy. The only person you can control is you, and if you fix you, you will be attracted to and attract less avoidant people. You'll be happier.

May 11, 2016

Hmmm.....all of this isn't very encouraging so far.

Yeah, this is the problem. I'm drawn to them like bugs to a porch light, and they are similarly drawn to me. There just isn't any getting away from it, so I've decided to try to work within that. I've gone through all the theory of how we validate each other, as explained by Imago therapy, which is what I'm working with.

One of the Imago ideas is that one of the childhood wounds of an avoidant - at least the ones I'm attracted to - is that they had a clingy parent who wouldn't let them explore the world. So they're stuck in this unmet need of wanting freedom and independence, and they seek out a needy person to re-enact the scenario of escaping from a clingy parent, so they can finally get it right this time. I am looking for ways to validate that need for independence beyond simply living by her rules.

So far I'm hearing from people that I'm just going to have to live by her rules and there's nothing more I can do about it, other than end the relationship. But if I do leave, I'll invariably wind up being attracted to another avoidant.

So I'm looking for some ways to solve this.

You solve it by looking within YOURSELF through introspection, therapy whatever it takes to resolve your own issues and need to involve yourself in relationships that are clearly not healthy for YOU, and vice versa.

I don't care how intoxicating the chemistry, when someone or a rel is bad for you and hurts you, not meeting your needs, you walk away from it. Period .

You don't twist yourself into a pretzel in an attempt to make your partner want you more or love you more. Or attempt to make a dysfunctional relationship work. Which is clearly what anxious/avoidant relationships are.

Doing so will only result in pushing an avoidant personality away further.

If you are constantly anxious in your relationships, then you are either in the wrong relationship or you have an anxiety disorder that YOU need to resolve before you will be able to have a healthy functional relationship with anyone.

BTDT, speaking from experience.

May 11, 2016

You'd have far better luck "fixing" yourself so that you are no longer clingy.

Which is why I asked for ways to validate her need for space and independence beyond simply letting her make the rules for the relationship.

May 11, 2016

Which is why I asked for ways to validate her need for space and independence beyond simply letting her make the rules for the relationship.

What do you mean by her making the rules for the relationship?

You have no power to force her to be in the relationship you want, just as she has no power to force you to be in the relationship you want. You are choosing a power struggle.

May 11, 2016

Which is why I asked for ways to validate her need for space and independence beyond simply letting her make the rules for the relationship.

You're not getting it, if you fixed yourself and resolved your own issues, you wouldn't even need to validate her need for space or anything else for that matter.

You would walk away and look for someone non avoidant because attempting to have a healthy functional relationship with an avoidant is an exercise in futility!

For anyone! Including another avoidant.

May 11, 2016

I'll elaborate more on what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to do relationship therapy even though I'm not in a relationship, which is admittedly tricky. I am trying to work on ways that I would give an avoidant woman space if I were in a relationship with her.

I have a few avoidant women that I have been involved with - some former girlfriends and some women I've just been on dates with - that I want to practice giving more space to. Or perhaps relate to them in a way that would indicate that I would give them more space. Or just deal with them differently than before.

So I was hoping to have some things to say to them that would encourage their independence, like things that I could post in comments on their facebook posts, or in a message I might send to them. Since I'm not in a relationship with them any of them, and I only rarely talk to any of them directly, I am looking for ways to "give them space" and show them that I now encourage their need for independence, whereas before I was always trying to get closer to them.

So that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for things I can say to them in facebook comments or messages that show that I encourage their need for space and independence, rather what I did before, which was try various strategies for getting closer to them. I believe that this might also help to heal me and reduce my clinginess. Simply ignoring these women won't help. I need something that I can say to them that shows that I encourage their independence.

May 11, 2016

Guidelines yes...rules minimal.

One thing about a free bird.. Balanced in social interaction and independent allowances... Is to freely extend the support and encourage that lifestyle. The partner in turn can be willing to acknowledge some down time is healthy as well.

The foundation to most relationships is trust, encourage and dern gunnet, enjoy your differences!! laugh more, live more.

Build up, work with, and accept that you each have traits that can accentuate each other's dispositions...

Balance it.

What do you think are some positive traits about being clingy? What can the free bird teach you?

May 11, 2016

So I was hoping to have some things to say to them that would encourage their independence, like things that I could post in comments on their facebook posts, or in a message I might send to them. Since I'm not in a relationship with them any of them, and I only rarely talk to any of them directly, I am looking for ways to "give them space" and show them that I now encourage their need for independence, whereas before I was always trying to get closer to them.

So that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for things I can say to them in facebook comments or messages that show that I encourage their need for space and independence, rather what I did before, which was try various strategies for getting closer to them. I believe that this might also help to heal me and reduce my clinginess. Simply ignoring these women won't help. I need something that I can say to them that shows that I encourage their independence.

You don't give space by initiating contact. You give space by taking space yourself.

Practice taking space, for your own wellbeing. Maybe block their profiles or their posts. Whether they notice or not is irrelevant.

May 11, 2016

Hmmm.....all of this isn't very encouraging so far.

Yeah, this is the problem. I'm drawn to them like bugs to a porch light, and they are similarly drawn to me. There just isn't any getting away from it, so I've decided to try to work within that. I've gone through all the theory of how we validate each other, as explained by Imago therapy, which is what I'm working with.

One of the Imago ideas is that one of the childhood wounds of an avoidant - at least the ones I'm attracted to - is that they had a clingy parent who wouldn't let them explore the world. So they're stuck in this unmet need of wanting freedom and independence, and they seek out a needy person to re-enact the scenario of escaping from a clingy parent, so they can finally get it right this time. I am looking for ways to validate that need for independence beyond simply living by her rules.

So far I'm hearing from people that I'm just going to have to live by her rules and there's nothing more I can do about it, other than end the relationship. But if I do leave, I'll invariably wind up being attracted to another avoidant.

So I'm looking for some ways to solve this.

You don't solve it with them. You solve it within yourself through therapy or at least learning everything you can through reading. But I hesitate to say "reading" these days, since you can find anything you want to hear on the internet, so please realize that I am talking about reading something by a real licensed psychologist on the subject, an actual book. You need to find out why you're so clingy it runs women off and fix that, not find some loophole to make you accept them or try to convince them there's something wrong with them because not liking clingy is more normal than being clingy.

May 11, 2016

You solve it by looking within YOURSELF through introspection, therapy whatever it takes to resolve your own issues and need to involve yourself in relationships that are clearly not healthy for YOU, and vice versa.

I don't care how intoxicating the chemistry, when someone or a rel is bad for you and hurts you, not meeting your needs, you walk away from it. Period .

You don't twist yourself into a pretzel in an attempt to make your partner want you more or love you more. Or attempt to make a dysfunctional relationship work. Which is clearly what anxious/avoidant relationships are.

Doing so will only result in pushing an avoidant personality away further.

If you are constantly anxious in your relationships, then you are either in the wrong relationship or you have an anxiety disorder that YOU need to resolve before you will be able to have a healthy functional relationship with anyone.

BTDT, speaking from experience.

100% agree with what preraph just wrote, and my earlier post ^^ is repeated again here for emphasis.

WV, fix yourself.... resolve your own anxieties and issues, once you do you will run from avoidant people, not stay and try to *work it out* with them.

Can't be done anyway, as they have their own issues, which are causing them to be avoidant in the first place.

Best of luck.

May 11, 2016

I have a question for people who have more of an avoidant attachment style, who want more space and independence in their relationships, and who often experience their partners as being needy and clingy.

If there was one things that your needy clingy partner could say to you that would be music to your ears, what would it be?

Would you want them to say that they had decided to give you more space? Or that they wanted you to do things without them? Or that they were going to encourage you to explore the world on your own, and they'd be waiting when you got back?

As an anxious person, the most magical thing my avoidant girlfriends could have said to me was that they thought I was handsome and that they wanted to spend more time snugging on the couch with me.

What is an equally magical thing than an anxious person could say to their avoidant partner?

If you wanna keep her I suggest you become more like her , clearly avoiding things isn't that great of a life choice. The key to this situation is what do you want from life and once you figure that out truly nothing else will matter. Be careful thinking that all you want is her and to avoid things as this is not really deep down what you want.

May 11, 2016

WV, pls know that every time you try to *work it out* with an avoidant, you push them further away.

That's cuz working it out involves more closeness and intimacy, the exact things they are trying to avoid!

You would be far better off simply avoiding those types yourself!

Too many issues that you will never be able to fix so don't even try.

Again, work on fixing yourself ..... your own anxieties and why you become so enthralled with these types in the first place.

Could it be possible that you are passively and subconsciously avoiding intimacy yourself? I mean why else would you stay?

Someone who truly wants closeness and intimacy in their relationships would just leave.

Something to think about.

Best.

Edited May 11, 2016 by katiegrl

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