The end of LDR ..... He wants me to be happy?

[Laurenjade]

I was in a long distance relationship with someone I was heads over heels with. The beginning of this week I had a message on Twitter from a girl telling me that she'd spent the whole evening messaging my boyfriend, he'd been asking her for photos, her number, was she on what's app. He'd been odd with me all that night, so I decided to call him the day after to ask about it. He denied all of it saying she'd messaged him. Then the girl sent me screenshots of the conversation last night.

 

I called him up on it, he refused to answer his phone or texts. I was obviously heartbroken. I sent him a message basically laying my heart on the line, telling him I was hurt, but I wanted to work through it.

 

This morning I called him, no answer so text him saying 'can we talk this through please?' His reply 'no. I don't want to hurt you ever and that's already happened'. I said it was hurting me more not speaking to him. He ignored that, and the please answer your phone text. I tried to call him twice and he declined both times.

 

I text and said 'is this us done then?' After 2 hours I saw he was online on what's app, so pressed call, he text immediately saying 'if you want me to tell you it's over you're going the right way about it!' So I put 'I want to speak to you as 2 adults, if you're not prepared to answer the phone I'm going to drive down to see you to talk it over'.

 

He replied immediately with 'it's not happening, don't waste your time, if you do we are definitely over'. 20 minutes later sent 'I need some space. I hate confrontation and I won't appreciate you turning up. I have work to do this afternoon and this isn't helping'.

 

I've not sent anything since. What I don't understand is how has he turned this into him being about him? I'm sitting here, at 35 heartbroken!! Any advice would be gratefully received!

Edited April 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[TaraMaiden2]

It's over.

He's lied and cheated on you, and is holding you at arm's length.

Trust me when I tell you, 'space' means 'break up'.

 

Your best bet is to drop off his radar, 'ghost' him and to go Complete No Contact (see my signature, 'NC Guide').

He doesn't have the courage or respect to break up with you as a mature adult - which means he's not a mature adult.

 

It's long-distance, and he told you he would break up with you if you went over.

That's an idle threat, because (1) he is cheating on you, without a doubt, and doesn't want you walking in on him and discovering him with another lady, and (2) he's breaking up with you already, if he can make nasty defensive threats like that.

 

This - is - NOT - your - fault. But he's projecting his anger and guilt onto you, by poking you with nasty comments.

 

Please, I know you're hurt and sad, but consider this over.

Honestly, walk away.

Leave this alone, ditch him, go absent, and do not even give him the time of day.

[Zahara]

It's called gaslighting. See how he turned everything around and now you're the one that's feeling like you did something wrong? It's when the manipulator tries to make you doubt your truth or perception of a situation and before you know it, you're the one doing everything you can to gain their acceptance. Along with his passive aggressive nature in which he is punishing you by forcing a boundary -- he's teaching you a lesson for the future, to never question his actions because if you ever do, he will punish you with the silent treatment. So you sit there and wait until he is ready to receive you.

 

Been there and done that.

 

Sounds like an ahole.

[portwine]

It's called gaslighting. See how he turned everything around and now you're the one that's feeling like you did something wrong? It's when the manipulator tries to make you doubt your truth or perception of a situation and before you know it, you're the one doing everything you can to gain their acceptance. Along with his passive aggressive nature in which he is punishing you by forcing a boundary -- he's teaching you a lesson for the future, to never question his actions because if you ever do, he will punish you with the silent treatment. So you sit there and wait until he is ready to receive you.

 

Been there and done that.

 

Sounds like an ahole.

 

Correct. This is a good example of how gaslighting works. Think about it for a second; you two are in a relationship and when you confront him about his philandering ways he makes you look the villain for wanting to talk to him and work things out.

 

Does that make any sense? Of course not, but keep in mind that you are dealing with someone who is devoid of empathy and guilt. Your level of emotional maturity and conflict resolution skills are alien to his character, so he shuts down. The result? You're pining and demanding an explanation because you have real feelings, like any normal person. He doesn't have these feelings. Everything "special" that he mentioned about your relationship with him was a big lie - he never felt it to begin with.

 

You need to cut things off and run far away. Remember, if you take him back he'll know that you have weak boundaries and that you're a perfect candidate for manipulation. ****Do not ever take him back and don't believe his explanation when he comes back all lovey dovey in about a month because he needs sex or adoration from someone*** He's playing a lot of women.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody needs more space in an LDR. What he wants is the other woman who is presumably close to him & more available.

 

It's definitely over. Don't waste your time or you gas on such a rude man. take some time. Lick your wounds. Then move forward without him. Anybody who would behave as immaturely as he has here is not worth too many of your tears.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Has some self respect and walk away. If you choose to stay with a liar and a cheater and someone who clearly doesn't respect you...then you are essentially saying you don't deserve better.

 

By staying with him, chasing him you are telling him that you are ok with his behavior.

 

He cheated on you. He lied to you. Yet you're the one chasing after him.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU. If he cared, he would be begging for forgiveness and asking YOU for another chance.

 

Wake up.

Edited April 22, 2016 by seekingpeaceinlove

[LostOnes05]

Let's say we are friends. As a friend my first question to you is, why would you waste your time on someone who proved that they were willing to cheat and not talk to you about it? Then to play the if you keep it up, we are definitely thru game??? Lol...be glad you found out and hurt him in the worst possible way...silence.

 

From a man's perspective I never understand why women will try desperately to talk it through with a cheater and allow themselves to be manipulated again. He showed you what he was about. And apparently, it wasn't worth talking to you about it. Discontinue ALL contact and let him wonder what you're up to...he will. But don't fall for the "I made a mistake/LET'S move past this/I was scared/stressed etc." routine. Best of luck in finding a better guy, who won't cheat...we do exist.

[Laurenjade]

I found out on Friday that my boyfriend had been cheating on me, maybe numerous times. I got a message on social media telling me. Obviously, after almost 5 years, I'm heartbroken. I initiated NC immediately, blocked him on my phone, ALL social media (even the ones he's never used!) and am putting a brave face on it. He acted like a child when we split, not answering his phone or texts and when I tried to call to talk it over (the screenshots will haunt me forever) he kept declining. I asked him if that was us dome to which he replied 'if you keep ringing, we are done, that's serious!'

But man, today hurts. This is the longest we've ever not spoken for. He asked for space, so I've given it him. By blocking him! There's a part of me that when I see I have a message prays it's from him. I think more than anything I'm devastated that he hasn't put up a fight for me. Last week he told me the last thing in the world he ever wanted to do was cause me pain, this week he's the root of all of it.

How do I get through the hardest days - today for example? Torn is getting a hell of a lot of play!! I'd booked this week off work as he's got 3 days of presentations until tomorrow, then we were going to head away for the weekend so he could De-stress from it all. Instead I'm rattling around the apartment feeling stupid & majorly let down. I'm still making excuses to my friends why he's not bothered fighting for me ('he's REALLY stressed with work, all of his bosses are there'.) but I know in my heart he could of done more, but that hurts even more! Help please!

Edited April 26, 2016 by Laurenjade

[hippychick3]

As hard as it is to believe right now, it is a blessing that he is not fighting for you. You know that deep down inside if he fought hard enough, you would succumb and you would be living an emotional roller coaster. NC is a way for you to heal which can't be done when there is still contact of any kind.

 

As much as it hurts now, you will eventually move on and find someone better...someone who you would not have found if you had gotten back together with this cheater.

[Laurenjade]

That's why I decided on NC immediately. I knew if I didn't block him I would be easily swayed by him because I genuinely loved him that much.

Thank you for your words though and I know you're right. Doesn't help that the girl who he cheated with kept messaging to ask how I was?! Had to block her too!!

[hippychick3]

That's why I decided on NC immediately. I knew if I didn't block him I would be easily swayed by him because I genuinely loved him that much.

Thank you for your words though and I know you're right. Doesn't help that the girl who he cheated with kept messaging to ask how I was?! Had to block her too!!

 

Good for you. Keep them both blocked!

[ashley1992]

you did the right thing by nc.. ive experianced something similar just a month ago. its very hard and knowing that he doesnt put up a fight is tough. just remember this has nothing to do with u. i rekon ur boyfriend was selfish, disrespectful and wasnt a man enough.. i dont know what is worse than cheating.. and hes done the worse to u.. u didnt deserve it. like most people told me on this forum that its a blessing that i found out now and same goes on for u.. imagine if u were married with kids.. it would be worse to leave the situation and not to forget the emotional blackmail! you will fnd someone who is respectful of you and on the same level as you and not this jerk who cheated!

[Laurenjade]

you did the right thing by nc.. ive experianced something similar just a month ago. its very hard and knowing that he doesnt put up a fight is tough. just remember this has nothing to do with u. i rekon ur boyfriend was selfish, disrespectful and wasnt a man enough.. i dont know what is worse than cheating.. and hes done the worse to u.. u didnt deserve it. like most people told me on this forum that its a blessing that i found out now and same goes on for u.. imagine if u were married with kids.. it would be worse to leave the situation and not to forget the emotional blackmail! you will fnd someone who is respectful of you and on the same level as you and not this jerk who cheated!

 

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry it happened to you too, it really does suck! I genuinely feel more broken than I ever have before.

[Laurenjade]

I found out a week ago my LD bf of 5 years had been messaging other women behind my back.

 

Basically when I asked him about it, he became defensive - started off as 'I've hurt you, I said I never would and I can't deal with it' then 2 hours later after I'd text asking if that was it between us & called him 3 times I received 'seriously with the calls?! If you want me to tell you we're done you're going the right way about it!' I told him I wanted to speak to him about it & would drive the 5 hours to see him he basically told me that if I did that we were definitely over & he was serious! Then I got 'I need space'. (Space?! We're 400KM apart, how much space does he need?!) So I initiated NC - now on day 6. He's blocked on all social media & my phone.

 

My main issue is today. We were supposed to be going on a 5 day break as he's just done 3 major presentations for promotion at work and we thought he could do with a come down from the stress. I'm now sitting by myself in my apartment having just received an email from the place we were going telling me to have a safe trip & they would see me soon! I cancelled it last weekend.

 

I physically cannot get him out of my head, I'd been counting down to this weekend for the last few months, knowing we'd get some 'proper' time together. We saw each other every other weekend, but I loved him. Massively.

 

I was doing really well until that email this morning. Now I'm broken again. I keep expecting a big declaration from him, but actually know none is coming. If anyone can give me tips on getting through today, I'd be really grateful.

Edited April 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[Kelsy]

It`s so common that people who do wrong to us (cheating, flirting with others etc) act like it`s our fault and treat us badly after that. Why they do that? Dont want to admit that they are not honest people? And they think disappearing is the easy way out and dont want to take responsibility of their actions? It seems like they even dont feel sorry.

The sad part is that we are the ones that feel quilty and blame ourselves.

 

I know it`s hurting you a lot. Iam going through something similar.

You are bigger person than him.

Stay strong and dont contact him for a while (2 weeks or so). And if he is the kind of person who prefers disappearing than If I were you I would like to let him know that this kind of behaviour is not honest etc. And you never thought he is that kind of person etc.

And then leave it be.

 

Try to distract yourself by focusing on some other thought, interest, or activity that holds and redirects your attention. You deserve better than being with someone who thinks they're so special while treating you in a less than manner.

 

 

Sry for my english.

[Tayla]

I can tell you what not to do:

1: Ruminating. Regurgitating everything you could have done different.

2: Assuming things.

3: Expecting a miracle.

 

Now here is what you can do.

1: Delete the email

2: Start journaling

3: Find your social circle of friends who can listen to your sorrows.

4: Get active, go for a walk, listen to upbeat music

5: Take time to accept the decision to move on in life.

then do it!

[Laurenjade]

Now here is what you can do.

1: Delete the email

2: Start journaling

3: Find your social circle of friends who can listen to your sorrows.

4: Get active, go for a walk, listen to upbeat music

5: Take time to accept the decision to move on in life.

then do it!

 

Done 1,2,4&5 already! I'm just struggling with everything, but I've had some horrible news today too, and I know once I've dealt with this by myself then I can deal with anything.

Sadly, the vast majority of my friends are happily in relationships and spent last Friday making soothing noises, since then the rest is all up to me. I just needed to vent today, just wanted to know I wasn't alone

Edited April 28, 2016 by Laurenjade
Spelling!

[Laurenjade]

Day 7 of NC. I've almost broken it about 12 times today. I don't even know what I would say to him if I did and I think that's the main reason I haven't text him. He asked for space, when he was the one who cheated. I've finally accepted there's going to not be any big gesture coming. I'm just sad that I was taken in by him.

[Laurenjade]

This morning I woke up to a Facebook message from the woman he was chatting too. She appears to have started a new profile just to message me?! Not sure how I'm supposed to move on when this is still happening. I checked I'd blocked her on Twitter and noticed she'd been tweeting him telling him she hopes he's apologised to me and is begging for forgiveness. I managed to resist all temptation to check his profile, instead played candy crush. First thing I see is his picture on a level ahead. Something else to delete! Fingers crossed day 8 of NC goes better than day 7!

[Tayla]

Sounds like you are going at a healthy pace!

 

Here's wishing you much support for resistance and maintaining nc.

 

Keep journaling here! Best to you and for you.

[Laurenjade]

Thanks for your support Tayla! Today I start my first kickboxing class!

 

Yesterday was an odd day. I went onto what's app for the first time since NC. I decided to delete the years worth of messages (30,000 of them!!!) started to feel sad about it all so decided to read the last message he'd sent again knowing that would make me angry rather than sad! It worked, (seriously! Rude!! 'I need space, I hate confrontation and if you turn up we're DEFINITELY over!' I'm not a child!) as I was angrily clicking off, I accidentally hit call. (Fat thumbs!) Ended it immediately, felt sick, then deleted what's app fully!

 

Last night I found out the 2 women he'd be messaging we're actually the same person. Her sister face booked messaged my best friend - the girl and my friend were chatting as my friend asked for proof. Turns out she's had a crush on him for a few years, saw us speaking on Twitter and got jealous. I feel slightly better knowing it was only one girl rather than 2. But for me the messages aren't the important thing anymore. His attitude upon finding out I knew was far worse than anything else, he's definitely not the person I knew and its that person I'm Focusing on - The rude, belittling man.

 

I don't know if my accidental call broke NC, but I do know that having him blocked on everything is exactly what I need. Plus I'm using the last message he sent as a screensaver. If I ever feel the urge to pick up my phone to call/text I see that & think why would I want to be with someone who speaks to me like a child?!

Edited May 1, 2016 by Laurenjade
Spelling

[Laurenjade]

I'm not going to lie, yesterday was horrendous. I picked my phone up and typed a message out to him about 20 times. Didn't send any of them. It's not even seeing his name, as I deleted him out my phone.

Turns out that the girl he was messaging had a crush on him for years and decided to do everything in her power to split us up. She thought we had the beginning of this year, as we stopped communicating on social media. Then apparently she tried to pick him up in a bar a few months ago. The messages don't bother me anymore to a certain point, I'm sad he did it but I just miss him massively. This is the longest in 6 years we've not spoken for. I have finally accepted that he isn't going to get in touch.

I spoke to a good male friend of mine last night, who said he thinks my ex is feeling horrendously guilty. Give him space. He's had 10 days. I don't know what I'm expecting, because I'm pretty sure that I don't want him back. I just want this constant pain in the bottom of my chest to go. I just want him to acknowledge what he did, and maybe apologise for throwing 5 years away for a bit of attention from a woman he always called 'weird'. I get he didn't know who it was, but, a bit of attention and he's gone! I know I'm asking for too much there.

I guess I'm lucky that we were LD and I don't have the worry of bumping into him. Even living in a city, it wouldn't be hard to bump into him.

I'm still writing in my journal, but this is also helping.

Today my favourite jeans are out, my make up is perfect and I'm going to smile. I'm going to focus on me and not on how sad I feel.

Fingers crossed for a better day!

[Laurenjade]

Today I've realised he's no longer my every thought. Every other thought granted, but not my every thought.

I miss him massively, my heart is broken. I've never felt this low before, but I've finally accepted he isn't going to get in touch or make any gestures. 12 days late maybe!

My mom has been really ill over the last few days, and I've been desperate to speak to him about it. He was really good at talking me round from a negative spin when it comes to my mom (she had cancer 2 years ago, everytime she's ill that's what I think of). But I haven't. I've deleted Twitter and he's blocked on Facebook and my phone.

I've made an appointment for my nails to be done tomorrow and my hair Friday. NC is giving me a chance to do things for myself and to make me a better person. I've applied for a new position at work with more hours, and although I'm still broken, I'm finally liking myself a bit more. I'm no longer expecting his name when I get a text because I know it's not him. When there's a knock on the door I'm not expecting it to be someone with a delivery for me from him.

[Laurenjade]

I've been NC with my 'ex' for the last 17 days. To cut a long story short - I found out that he had been messaging another woman behind my back, when I pulled him up on it, he started off with saying 'I can't talk to you, I've hurt you and I can't deal with that', then after 3 rejected calls, I said 'I take it that's us done then' he replied 'if you want me to tell you we're done, you're going the right way about it', so I told him I'd drive over to talk face to face & he put 'don't waste your time. If you do that, then we're definitely over' after I ignored that he put 'I just need space. I'm working and this isn't helping'. I've heard nothing from him since apart from him sending me candy crush lives?! I'm tempted to text him the end of the week when it will be 3 weeks since he never officially ended it! I'm treating it as a break up and was thinking of putting something like 'I never wanted our relationship to end in such a negative way, as I don't feel the time we had together warranted that. Clearly your silence shows me where we stand and I don't need to go over it but I'm too old for enemies'

 

What do people think??

[Zahara]

Your junkie mind is suffering withdrawals and you can't stand the silence so you want to poke him for a reaction. You don't need for him to officially end it. It's ended because you don't desire being treated poorly.

 

Stop looking for excuses to make contact. And stop chasing someone that dismissed you so quickly and didn't care to protect your feelings.