My bf doesn't treat me right

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you d0nnivain, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Poor guy!!

[ana_maria]

Hey,

I accept the fact that this can be partially my fault since I have offered to pay in the past, which is why I thought I would stop offering to pay all the time, I would only offer when I mean it. Every man is different - I have been out with men before and I always offered to pay but most of the time they would not let me to... I accept everyone is different.

And I am not dumping him for this! Like I said - I will wait, observe and if he has a problem with me letting him pay - then I hope he would tell me...!

[Lois_Griffin]

He doesn't pay for his travel when he comes to see me, his company does.

OMG.

 

And this cheap ass has the NERVE to make you split the dinner bill when you're footing the entire FOOD bill at home and cooking for him too and it didn't cost him ONE RED CENT to come see you?

 

I'd so dump this loser in a New York minute.

 

What a cheap, stingy, selfish cretin.

[Emilia]

Ugh. This poor guy. He's about to fail an unfair test he doesn't even know he's taking.

 

Seriously? Most of this is your problem. You think a guy should pay but you're annoyed because when you beat him to the punch, whip out your credit card & fork over your money, he doesn't wrestle the check out of your hand. Now you are refusing to talk to him about it & you're going to dump him for not being able to read your mind. Over time, you behavior in always asking to pay taught him that he should not pay your way even though is failure to do so is exactly what you're mad about now. Your behavior has never matched your words.

 

If that is truly your plan, all I have to say is he's a lucky guy who is about to dodge a bullet because your attitude would make you hard to be in a LTR with. You say one thing but do the other then get angry with him. That is highly unfair to him.

 

If you can't stop jumping the gun then punishing him for it, just let him be. He deserves a GF who means what she says and acts accordingly.

 

Thank you d0nnivain, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Poor guy!!

Agree. The poor guy, I hate this indirect, passive aggressive behaviour. If I caught a man doing this sort of thing: setting me up and punishing me for it, I would dump his backside faster than you can say 'dysfunctional'.

[TaraMaiden2]

OMG.

 

And this cheap ass has the NERVE to make you split the dinner bill when you're footing the entire FOOD bill at home and cooking for him too and it didn't cost him ONE RED CENT to come see you?

 

I'd so dump this loser in a New York minute.

 

What a cheap, stingy, selfish cretin.

 

Yeah. And she's doing it willingly, every time, off her own back, without even waiting for his input - then she's complaining about it!

If she doesn't like it, she should open up and discuss it with him, not expect him to go all "Mr Amazebo, Mind-Reader extraordinaire" on her!!

[Els]

I dunno, OP. I mean, in an ordinary R I'd understand your gripe, but considering it's a LDR and he's the ONLY one traveling, things might be a bit different. Sure his company pays for the flights, but flying and taking extra time off is a cost in itself. I don't see it as terrible that you're buying the cooking ingredients while splitting the bill, given that he is doing ALL the traveling in your R and you don't need to do any.

 

But if you don't like it, just stop insisting on paying. You're saying one thing with your actions while seething inside and expecting something else. That's a bad habit in more ways than one.

[Leigh 87]

Umm are you dating my ex ?

 

 

I lost ALL sexual attraction for him after he started to use the " I like independent women " excuse for not paying my half.

 

Soon, his sexual advances started to repulse me.

 

He got in heated arguments with strangers when he overhead women that said that their partners paid for their coffees. He would say " omg, you are so outdated, real men like independent women who pay their share"

 

When out with friends, he would make me get my own drinks. While all my friends had bfs who would treat them to both food and the drinks.

 

I am no beauty queen but man, I knew I could do so much better. And I did. Actually, every guy since has treated me ( I do buy the snacks at the movies and small gestures after my bf treats me to dinner AND a movie. But he doesn't ask me. He offers to buy me movie snacks but I decline since he is on a very average wage and just treated me to a night out)

 

Aim higher.

 

Bottom feeders are " higher " here.

 

From one of the p*ssed off posters who have delt with tight wadds first hand and would sooner become a nun than have to have sex with these ..... cretins.

[ana_maria]

Umm are you dating my ex ?

 

 

I lost ALL sexual attraction for him after he started to use the " I like independent women " excuse for not paying my half.

 

Soon, his sexual advances started to repulse me.

 

He got in heated arguments with strangers when he overhead women that said that their partners paid for their coffees. He would say " omg, you are so outdated, real men like independent women who pay their share"

 

When out with friends, he would make me get my own drinks. While all my friends had bfs who would treat them to both food and the drinks.

 

I am no beauty queen but man, I knew I could do so much better. And I did. Actually, every guy since has treated me ( I do buy the snacks at the movies and small gestures after my bf treats me to dinner AND a movie. But he doesn't ask me. He offers to buy me movie snacks but I decline since he is on a very average wage and just treated me to a night out)

 

Aim higher.

 

Bottom feeders are " higher " here.

 

From one of the p*ssed off posters who have delt with tight wadds first hand and would sooner become a nun than have to have sex with these ..... cretins.

 

 

On my Bday I asked 6 of my friends to dinner, I said I was going to pay for the food which I did. But the funny thing was - we all paid for the drinks ourselves and he didn't even mention he would like to pay for my drinks...

 

On the other hand - he took me to Prague and he paid for the whole trip...so it's not so simple for me to establish what is right and wrong...

[Gaeta]

The only one thing that can in a way explain his behaviour is that I always ask to pay

 

You want one thing but sending a different message. You need to stop that.

 

Now that you have sent him the wrong message for 7 months you will put him through a test? Really.

 

Ana Maria: Here is the next conversation you will have with your boyfriend. ''Honey, I know I have been insisting on paying in the past and it was lead by my desire for independence truth is for the moment I am incapable of being the independent woman I used to be. My pride was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am going through a phase where I need to lean on you for our outings and I also need you to help me with groceries when you are over.''

[Tribble]

And I am not dumping him for this! Like I said - I will wait, observe and if he has a problem with me letting him pay - then I hope he would tell me...!

 

 

Well okay, that's good. Thing is though, you're hoping he'll tell you if he has a problem, but you aren't willing to tell him. You're changing the goalposts you set. You insisted on paying before and now you don't want to. Which is fine, but you need to communicate that clearly and calmly. There is nothing wrong with someone who wants to pay their own way. There is nothing wrong with someone who wants to be cheated. Problems occur when people insist on paying their own way while secretly wanting to be treated. Can't do right for doing wrong!

[Leigh 87]

You want one thing but sending a different message. You need to stop that.

 

Now that you have sent him the wrong message for 7 months you will put him through a test? Really.

 

Ana Maria: Here is the next conversation you will have with your boyfriend. ''Honey, I know I have been insisting on paying in the past and it was lead by my desire for independence truth is for the moment I am incapable of being the independent woman I used to be. My pride was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am going through a phase where I need to lean on you for our outings and I also need you to help me with groceries when you are over.''

 

But the thing is, some women are traditionaand prefer men who do not want the woman to pay her own way. Women like me are disgusted and put off by such values that are held by men that aren't generous.

 

Then again, a few women posters on here have been firm in their desire to NOT let a man pay their share.

 

There is no better method.

 

Just find compatible partners!

 

I want very generous men who feel the desire to treat me. And in turn, I then feel compelled to give back and buy them just as expensive gifts as they buy for me. It has to be a two way street, a woman needs to also be generous if she needs her man to be generous with her.

 

These two aren't compatible.

 

Plain and simple.

 

No one is in the wrong. It is perfectly fine and dandy that this man prefers his girlfriend to oay her own way.

[Leigh 87]

On my Bday I asked 6 of my friends to dinner, I said I was going to pay for the food which I did. But the funny thing was - we all paid for the drinks ourselves and he didn't even mention he would like to pay for my drinks...

 

On the other hand - he took me to Prague and he paid for the whole trip...so it's not so simple for me to establish what is right and wrong...

 

Cos he has a full time job!

 

 

He knows an unemployed person cannot afford trips!

 

 

But he figures u can afford to feed him since you actually buy the groceries. He then assumes you are comfortable paying your way at dinners.

 

Look. Men who split are just un generous tight wadds. They aren't kind or decent people.

 

Men who go " I'll get this one and you can get the next" are not generous but they aren't tigut either.

 

Splitting is just yuck. And it is 100% indicative that they are VERY TIGHT with money. No doubt about it.

 

A certain breed ofmen split the bill.

 

Decent men at least take turns to pay in full.

 

It irks me when I split with friends; I would truthfully prefer to treat them andthen they get it the next time. College students are an exception but full time working adults with no kids and decent income shours to b3 " splitting "

[Shining One]

But the thing is, some women are traditionaand prefer men who do not want the woman to pay her own way. Women like me are disgusted and put off by such values that are held by men that aren't generous.

 

Then again, a few women posters on here have been firm in their desire to NOT let a man pay their share.

 

There is no better method.

 

Just find compatible partners!

 

I want very generous men who feel the desire to treat me. And in turn, I then feel compelled to give back and buy them just as expensive gifts as they buy for me. It has to be a two way street, a woman needs to also be generous if she needs her man to be generous with her.

 

These two aren't compatible.

 

Plain and simple.

 

No one is in the wrong. It is perfectly fine and dandy that this man prefers his girlfriend to oay her own way.

You're missing the point entirely. The OP is offering to pay. She is expecting her boyfriend to read her mind to determine that she wants him to decline her offer to pay. This is where she is being unreasonable.

[Leigh 87]

The types of people who have full time jobs and split bills are also the types of people who will make u pay back tiny amounts owing. Such as 7 dollars.

 

People with full time jobs and disposable income have no excuse to split small dinner bills. Ot shows they are very protective and have the " I earnt the money and need to keep track of every last penny, even 7 dollars a friend borrowed as a once off"

 

If your guy had kids or more than one mortgage or alimony or 2 or 3 of those variables then yeah......fair enough.

 

If a person HAS to penny pinch and actually count then fair enough.

 

YOUR bf Doesn't need to count EVERY cent. You do. You're unemployed. Yet you go without to afford to treat him. You would have to actually go without things in order to buy his half.

 

He would be going without ...... nothing. If he were to treat you once a week.

 

My bf is on an average wage. He treats me to the equivalent of one date a week ( but in other ways not so much dates on a weekly basis. He spends thr equivalent money on me and always treats when we do dine out).

 

If my average wage bf can afford to treat me once a week then so can your bf. My bf works hard for his money too and CHOOSES to spend it on BOTH OF US not just on HIMSELF.

 

Ny bf, you see, is GENEROUS.

 

Your bf, is NOT generous.

 

This cannot be altered. He is who he is. He isn't a young child that can be moulded into shape! He is set in his ways! He is a grown man now with an ingrained set of values!

[Leigh 87]

You're missing the point entirely. The OP is offering to pay. She is expecting her boyfriend to read her mind to determine that she wants him to decline her offer to pay. This is where she is being unreasonable.

 

Generous men with full time jobs and no alimony or second mortgage to pay, DON'T ACCEPT a woman's half of a meal!

 

Real men don't go halves on dates unless they are broke!

 

Sheesh.

 

Low standards#

[Shining One]

Generous men with full time jobs and no alimony or second mortgage to pay, DON'T ACCEPT a woman's half of a meal!

 

Real men don't go halves on dates unless they are broke!

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to decline an offer. If you don't want an offer accepted, you shouldn't make the offer in the first place. I think it's also unreasonable to blame the man for splitting the checks when the OP started that trend herself.

[ana_maria]

Just talk to him! Tell him how you feel and what you expect from him!

 

How can he know when he doesn't know? And you have sent mixed signals. If you don't like they way it feels then speak up! He is t a mind reader.

 

ANY relationship you have requires you to say out loud how you feel - IF you expect that relationship to be healthy.

 

For what it's worth - a man's love is not determined by the money he spends on a woman - it does not equate to how much he cares.

 

And he makes good money but lives on weekends with his parents as a 30 something year old boy? What's that about? Why doesn't he have his own place to live? Are you positive he's not married? Have you ever been to his parents place to see where he lives?

 

Why does it look like he lives like a little boy? When does he plan to grow up?

 

And it looks like you're willing to overlook what you don't like about him being cheap for now because he's taking you on a free vacation again. Don't go if you don't plan to stay with him - that's just using him.

 

When do you think you'll work full time again?

 

 

Ok - I agree that in general communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. It becomes wrong to me when I have to say "Oh babes, you see I am unemployed, you earn well but you still let me pay for the bills whilst I am cooking for you, etc..." I think this is wrong! For example - if I had a job and he didn't and I go to visit him, I would gladly pay for dinner and I will not need to think about it.

I just agree with some of the people here who said - it's just the way he is - either accept it or walk away... Now walking away is not easy since I do care about him a lot.

 

He stays in hotels during the week since he travels to different cities on business and his company pays for it. He is now looking to buy his own house.

The trip was planned before we had the issue last weekend and we are going with friends so it will be wrong to just dump everything last minute... Plus I am still not sure if it's the right thing to do. There are things I like and don't like about him but overall I enjoy spending time with him and we are getting closer with time. We even spoke about moving closer to each other. The problem is in a LDR it is very very difficult to get to know someone properly. I only see him twice a month for couple of days so clearly we would have a nice time just because there is no time for anything else...

I am looking for a job now, very intensively, so I am hoping it will be soon.

[ana_maria]

But the thing is, some women are traditionaand prefer men who do not want the woman to pay her own way. Women like me are disgusted and put off by such values that are held by men that aren't generous.

 

Then again, a few women posters on here have been firm in their desire to NOT let a man pay their share.

 

There is no better method.

 

Just find compatible partners!

 

I want very generous men who feel the desire to treat me. And in turn, I then feel compelled to give back and buy them just as expensive gifts as they buy for me. It has to be a two way street, a woman needs to also be generous if she needs her man to be generous with her.

 

These two aren't compatible.

 

Plain and simple.

 

No one is in the wrong. It is perfectly fine and dandy that this man prefers his girlfriend to oay her own way.

 

 

Leigh 87,

 

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and support. I could not have expressed myself better and I am glad I have someone there to understand me. It helps me establish that at the end of the day I am not so unreasonable as some have implied...

Thank you!

[DevotedBaker54]

Maybe you can just get right to the heart of the matter. Maybe start by saying, "Something has been on my mind and I want to discuss with you about my current money situation and our spending." The only way to find a solution is to communicate with each other. Maybe he will understand and admit that he didn't even notice you were struggling and paying for everything.

[joseb]

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to decline an offer. If you don't want an offer accepted, you shouldn't make the offer in the first place. I think it's also unreasonable to blame the man for splitting the checks when the OP started that trend herself.

 

For every woman like Leigh who expects and wants a guy to ignore her request to pay, there is one who will call such a guy controlling, or sexist for just assuming he has the right to dictate who pays and ignores her request to pay just because she is a woman. So to avoid this, dont try to pay if you don't want to.

 

OP, just explain that although you have been paying half for meals out, you would be more than happy to let him pay when you go out, especially while you are unemployed. It shouldn't be more complicated than that.

[Els]

On the other hand - he took me to Prague and he paid for the whole trip...so it's not so simple for me to establish what is right and wrong...

 

Then I reeaaaalllly think you're splitting hairs here. I mean, how much does a trip to Prague cost vs the groceries you're buying to cook for him? I get that the cooking takes time, but so does him traveling to you. It doesn't sound to me like he's not putting in his fair share, considering that he does all the traveling and pays for the vacations that you take together.

[d0nnivain]

Ana_Maria (& Leigh)

 

 

You are not unreasonable for wanting a traditional situation where the man pays. You are also not unreasonable for expecting the person with the FT job to absorb the lion's share while the other is unemployed. I prefer generous types myself but I don't go around passively accepting behavior I don't like. I talk to my partner about it.

 

 

You are both missing the very important point where for all this time Ana_Maria insisted on paying and still does. Even when unemployed she opens her mouth & offers or opens her wallet & offers. That is the crux of the problem -- not the BF. Even the thing in the grocery store, where the BF had his card out to pay, Ana_Maria beat him to the punch and handed her card to the cashier. Now she's mad about that which is wholly unfair. She has never given this guy the chance to pay. At the very least because you both seem to want him to decline Ana_Maria's offers to split various checks, she had an affirmative obligation to turn around, put her card away and say thank you for paying honey, you know times are a bit lean for me right now. Instead she paid the bill & seethed. Her BF probably didn't even know why she was mad because she is not telling him. She's being secretive which is divisive

 

 

There is where the flaw lies and why it's Ana_Maria's fault. She does something & then complains that her BF lets her!!!!!! Ridiculous.

[elaine567]

There is where the flaw lies and why it's Ana_Maria's fault. She does something & then complains that her BF lets her!!!!!! Ridiculous.

It's a function of poverty.

The "poor" person doesn't want to be seen as "less than" so feels obliged to contribute, even "over-contribute", in the heat of the moment.

BUT in the cold light of day, she is annoyed as she cannot afford to be so generous, so blames the richer person for not stopping her and for not taking pity on her by paying the whole bill.

The problem is that had he taken the initiative and paid the whole bill she would have gone back to feeling "less than".

It is a bit of a catch 22.

[ana_maria]

The continuation of this story is long but I will try to summarize it as much as possible.

We went on the 3-day trip, things were perfect except for the times when my bf asked me if I got money... Then I thought we had to talk. I said I wanted to clarify how we deal with who pays what and when since I was confused. We came to the conclusion that whoever earns more pays more. Currently he said since I am not working I can pay for a coffee sometimes or something small. So far so good!

 

At the end of the trip however he asked me if he should pay for the stay for both of us (It was about 150EUR all together). I was shocked by his question after the conversation we had. I said he should pay whatever he feels right to pay and let me know how much I owe him at the end. He said I can just take him to lunch twice it would be fine. Then I hanged up, we exchanged a few messages, I was completely mad and emotional for the fact that after the conversation we had, he still expected me to pay for my bit.

So at the end I broke up with him, I sent him a long email, explained myself and how I felt and I thought he would be fine with it so was prepared to just move on. It didn't happen...

 

He called me immediately after the letter, was the most apologetic person in the world, said I mean a lot to him, etc so we decided to talk more after he finishes work.

In the evening, after two hours of talking we decided to try again... I told him what I expect and how I would like things to be, he told me what he thinks too. What worries me is that we have very different stand on the matter of how we handle money, for example he believes that if I don't have money I should tell him whereas I believe that if he wants to treat me to something I should not ask for that!

 

So I am not sure if all this is going to work between us... but even if it doesn't at least I will know that we have tried.

 

He wants me to meet his family. I know he cares a lot about me and so do I. The thought of losing him makes me very sad! But what's the point of loving someone when you wouldn't feel entirely happy in this relationship...?!

 

I know relationships are not easy, I know I have a lot to learn (I've only had one relationship before), so let's see how things develop. Maybe it will be better than I think...!

 

Thank you everyone for taking some minutes of your precious time to share your thoughts and opinions.

Edited May 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator