I broke up with her, new guy, no contact rule and long distance

[acetaminophen]

Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a unique situation that i really need help with.

 

The situation is unique because I'm the dumper, I haven't been home in 5 months and i'm the one that is doing NC.

 

Me and this girl were dating for 4 years, on and off. The last year things were going really great but i had to leave to Europe for several months. I left in the middle of December and things were especially hard for her. I had been anticipating the trip and preparing for it so it was different for me, especially because it was exciting the first few months. When I first got here I started to become a little distant and some things were bothering me so i was being very passive aggressive at times. Eventually we started to fight all the time and I started to do stupid things like lead her to believe I had girls around. She had been getting close to this guy at work who I knew liked her and it was bothering me and it made me act this way, I never talked to her about it though - I always acted like i didn't care. Anyways, the long distance started to become difficult for me and there were many things that were annoying me and made me feel that maybe I didn't want to be with her. I won't be home for another three months and i really didn't want to deal with the long distance and this other guy while I'm here. I broke up with her a month ago. After I broke up with her i found out she was hooking up with this guy. When I confronted her about it she told me that she had been having a really difficult time dealing with me being away, that she needed comfort and that she had been trying to fill the void. She told me that was a mess and that she missed me so much. At the time she told me she didn't think she had feelings for him, she was just really comfortable around him. I was really upset but I told her that I understood and that she didn't need to explain it to me. She begged me to skype her so that she could explain and because she had things she still needed to say. She told me that she really didn't want things to end and that she's never wanted anything more than me, that she really missed me. I told her that it was over and that it wouldn't serve any good to skype or talk about anything.

 

It's been 30 days of no contact on my part - she's tried to contact me at least 3 times now, including today by texting my sister and asking her if I've come back home. Since we broke up she's posted pictures of her and this guy and from what my friends have told me it seems that they're pretty much in a relationship. The thing with this guy is, he's a really nice guy, he was probably there for her throughout the last few months when she was upset over me, he works with her so she sees him almost everyday and I know that they get a long really well. I'm really confused right now, is this guy a rebound? How long should I continue no contact for and if i go too long, will I completely lose her to this guy? When it comes to comparisons, I'm better looking than this guy, i've been working out a lot since I've been here so i look better than when I left but this guy is everything that I'm not in the sense that he's really nice and that he's the type of guy that will eat out of her hand and do anything she wants. I really do love this girl and the time off has made me realize that the doubts I had were really because of issues I had going on that I hadn't dealt with. I'm going to be gone for the rest of the summer so I'm really not sure what I should do or what I should think. I was really hoping that by breaking up that she would take time to reflect and that i would as well and that we would be able to realize what was missing between us, I never expected her to get into a relationship.. What do I do?

[LD1990]

It sounds like you two have some serious issues. You've been playing games and using manipulation tactics (being passive aggressive, making you think you had girls, breaking up with her thinking she'd reflect on things) which blew up in your face. For her part, getting close to some guy at work isn't right and it's very possible she crossed the line with him before you two broke up.

 

Personally, I think you should go NC for now and really think about things. The fact that she hooked up with this other guy complicates things and might make it hard for you to trust her in the future. The fact that you had doubts about your relationship and only really regretted things after breaking up indicates that you might not really be in love with her.

 

Look her up when you get back if you still want to give things another shot. Trying to get her back now is pointless. How you compare to this guy doesn't matter right now - he's there, you're not, you're not gonna win that one.

[elaine567]

If I had a pound for every guy who says - I treated her bad, I was mean, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what I had, she loved me so much, she has now found someone else, I want her back - then today I would be buying a yacht.

I doubt she will come back, the bad times overrode the good; women have long memories and you hurt her with your uncaring, passive aggressive behaviour, she won't forget that in a hurry.

She has moved on, I suggest you do the same. Part of wanting her back is probably to get one over on this new guy, and a "what I cant have, I want" sort of idea and you miss the loving attention of a besotted female.

No doubt if you did get her back it wouldn't work out anyway, with her being a bit resentful over your past treatment of her, and you getting bored and annoyed again.

Learn from it, pick someone who is a good match for you, and treat her a lot better from the get go.

Don't get into any more LDRs, they rarely work out.

[Satu]

You should stop being manipulative and playing mind games.

 

You shot yourself in the foot.

 

View it as an example of what not to do.

[acetaminophen]

That was a really good response. I know there were things on my part that I really shouldn't have done.. I wasn't dealing with the distance well. The no contact really gave me the time to think about how I was acting and all the things I need to work on. I really, really love this girl. There is so much between us and I know now that I really do want to be with her, I just needed the space to reflect on it. I wasn't being manipulative when I broke up with her, it was something I needed to do because the long distance was only going to drive us further apart. I would rather give each other the space to allow us to work on our selves separately than to allow months of growing conflict. She's the type that doesn't know how to deal with herself and that's why I think she jumped into this right away. I'm the opposite and I really want to take this time to face myself and confront the personal demons that were causing the harm in our relationship.

 

Not to further complicate this but coming here and having the space from the relationship has made me realize that I had carried things from another relationship that I never really dealt because of how fast I moved into a relationship with this girl and it's created a lot of tension and unresolved conflict in my life. Realizing this really has liberated me in many ways and I know that by the time I return home I'll be able to commit in a way that I wasn't able to before.

 

I will continue NC for now because it's far too early to be able to resolve anything and I need time to really gather my thoughts. I have no choice but to give her and this guy room. I have no idea where it will go because even though on the one hand he's providing her with all the things I can't right now, she jumped into it without dealing with really dealing with our breakup and I can only assume that it will create lots of issues down the line. I want to write a letter once I have gathered my thoughts explaining what led to the break up and acknowledging my downfalls during the relationship. I think it's important that I do this. I don't know however when I should break no contact to do this? I feel that 60 days no contact is too early but that 90 days NC could also be too long. Where do you think she will be mentally 90 days post break up?

[acetaminophen]

I do want to add that throughout our entire relationship, I've actually been really good to this girl. I've done a lot for her and i've always respected her and our relationship. The passive aggressive behaviour started happening after I came and we were fighting often - I didn't want to confront her so i distanced myself instead. I wish I didn't deal with it that way - but I did. It was immature, I know that.

[Buddhist]

Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a unique situation that i really need help with.

 

Okay I'll pick it apart for you. You won't like it but put it down to education.

 

When I first got here I started to become a little distant and some things were bothering me so i was being very passive aggressive at times. Eventually we started to fight all the time and I started to do stupid things like lead her to believe I had girls around.

 

Playing kids games instead of being present in your relationship always leads to bad outcomes. Basically you were burning the relationship right here, more so because it was LD and she needed to be able to trust the connection without having you around.

 

She had been getting close to this guy at work who I knew liked her and it was bothering me and it made me act this way, I never talked to her about it though - I always acted like i didn't care.

 

No, that won't do. Own your stuff here. You acted that way because you lack the maturity to have a conversation about it. The problem is not some other guy but your lack of ability to communicate your concerns. What did you imagine the outcome of ignoring your GF was going to be?

 

 

I broke up with her a month ago.

 

Okay fair enough your decision.

 

Since we broke up she's posted pictures of her and this guy and from what my friends have told me it seems that they're pretty much in a relationship. The thing with this guy is, he's a really nice guy, he was probably there for her throughout the last few months when she was upset over me, he works with her so she sees him almost everyday and I know that they get a long really well.

 

Well that happens when you trash your own relationship then set your GF free.

 

I'm really confused right now, is this guy a rebound? How long should I continue no contact for and if i go too long, will I completely lose her to this guy?

 

You lost her to that guy around about the time you started playing mind games with your GF. Making comparisons will not matter now because you've shown yourself to be selfish and unable to act like an adult in a relationship.

 

 

I really do love this girl and the time off has made me realize that the doubts I had were really because of issues I had going on that I hadn't dealt with.

 

Well there's a start with your personal development, follow through and make sure you don't lose the next girl to a better guy.

 

I was really hoping that by breaking up that she would take time to reflect and that i would as well and that we would be able to realize what was missing between us, I never expected her to get into a relationship.. What do I do?

 

You realise that when you 'break up' you are breaking the relationship, permanently. Not using it as a tool to manipulate your partner. What did she need to reflect on exactly? She had a BF who buggered off overseas then started ignoring her and then pretending he was sleeping with other women. Nothing about that says she needs to 'reflect' on anything except getting rid of you.

 

Unfortunately break ups usually just show the other person how much better life can be without you in their life. That appears to be the case here because she moved on with someone else. Now you need to move on too.

[acetaminophen]

That was a really good response. I know there were things on my part that I really shouldn't have done.. I wasn't dealing with the distance well. The no contact really gave me the time to think about how I was acting and all the things I need to work on. I really, really love this girl. There is so much between us and I know now that I really do want to be with her, I just needed the space to reflect on it. I wasn't being manipulative when I broke up with her, it was something I needed to do because the long distance was only going to drive us further apart. I would rather give each other the space to allow us to work on our selves separately than to allow months of growing conflict. She's the type that doesn't know how to deal with herself and that's why I think she jumped into this right away. I'm the opposite and I really want to take this time to face myself and confront the personal demons that were causing the harm in our relationship.

 

Not to further complicate this but coming here and having the space from the relationship has made me realize that I had carried things from another relationship that I never really dealt because of how fast I moved into a relationship with this girl and it's created a lot of tension and unresolved conflict in my life. Realizing this really has liberated me in many ways and I know that by the time I return home I'll be able to commit in a way that I wasn't able to before.

 

I will continue NC for now because it's far too early to be able to resolve anything and I need time to really gather my thoughts. I have no choice but to give her and this guy room. I have no idea where it will go because even though on the one hand he's providing her with all the things I can't right now, she jumped into it without dealing with really dealing with our breakup and I can only assume that it will create lots of issues down the line. I want to write a letter once I have gathered my thoughts explaining what led to the break up and acknowledging my downfalls during the relationship. I think it's important that I do this. I don't know however when I should break no contact to do this? I feel that 60 days no contact is too early but that 90 days NC could also be too long. Where do you think she will be mentally 90 days post break up?

[Satu]

*I don't know however when I should break no contact to do this? I feel that 60 days no contact is too early but that 90 days NC could also be too long. Where do you think she will be mentally 90 days post break up?

 

30 days? 60 days? 90 days? 142.16 days?

 

This is all manipulation and mind games.

 

Can't you see that?

[elaine567]

I want to write a letter once I have gathered my thoughts explaining what led to the break up and acknowledging my downfalls during the relationship. I think it's important that I do this. I don't know however when I should break no contact to do this? I feel that 60 days no contact is too early but that 90 days NC could also be too long. Where do you think she will be mentally 90 days post break up?

 

Write the letter, save it on your hard drive, print it out and put it in a drawer or a folder, delete it, scrunch it up or burn it, do what ever you need to do, but do NOT give it to you ex.

She will either make a dramatic gesture and tear it up, or ignore it completely or laugh in your face, or read it and say "That's nice, thank you", BUT she will not be persuaded to return by any letter.

It is irrelevant to her as to WHY you did the things you did, what matters is that you DID do them and you could do them again, how could she trust you?

 

YOU weren't good to her, you dumped her and she moved on, she is not pining for you, you are most likely irrelevant now, just some ex that wasn't particular nice to her. Sorry but you need to get past this for your own good.

BYW NC is not designed to get your ex back, it is designed to allow you to heal and move on.

[acetaminophen]

I understand what you're all saying.. I really do get it.

 

I'm not trying to be manipulative. If I was home, I would have dealt with the situation right away but because I can't be, I need to be calculative. Everything about this isn't simply black and white. I made mistakes. I want to fix it and I know you guys are looking down on me, but I need help here.

[Satu]

112.97 days might work.

[acetaminophen]

Sigh, no she did not just move on. We dated for four years.. we only broke up a month ago. She's been trying to talk to me but I told her we needed space. She dealt with it her own way and I'm dealing with it another way. I know this girl loves me more than anything, she wanted to make it work but i really felt we needed time apart otherwise it would never be fixed. I know she's just jumping into it with this guy because thats how she deals with her problems, I just need to know what to do because this is a girl I really do love. But you need to understand, the pain of having to deal us being so far apart and this guy being around while we were together would have been much more difficult than dealing with us being broken up and her running to him. I know how these things work when you're in a relationship and they have that comfort of having you there but also having someone else who wants them and provides them with comfort and a constant physical presence. It's why relationships with mistresses can flourish, because the man has the best of both worlds. I did what i thought would be best to save us in the long run and i need help in trying to know how to act while I'm away.

[Buddhist]

Well, if you're convinced this is salvageable I don't think any of us here can help you. Sorry.

[basil67]

You're making far too many assumptions about what she's doing, why she's doing it and how she's feeling. For all you know, she could have been relieved to have the relationship end (she would certainly have good reason to feel this way) and didn't need much processing time. Thing is, if one is relieved that a relationship is over, the need to navel gaze afterwards is very much diminished. It's quite likely she's simply hit the ground running.

[elaine567]

I understand what you're all saying.. I really do get it.

 

I'm not trying to be manipulative. If I was home, I would have dealt with the situation right away but because I can't be, I need to be calculative. Everything about this isn't simply black and white. I made mistakes. I want to fix it and I know you guys are looking down on me, but I need help here.

No-one is looking down on you, just trying to give you some perspective on the situation you find yourself in.

YOU cannot treat people badly and expect them to just take it as they "love" you, love quickly goes out the door when the love of your life is making you miserable.

You therefore cannot bank on this girl "coming to her senses" and taking you back here, no matter what you say or do, no matter how sorry you are and no matter how "fit" you look.

She, after 4 years of dating you and being dumped by you, took the huge step of dating someone else, that fact cannot be minimised.

Breaking up is not really about giving anyone "space", it is about saying you are not the one for me and I want to be free to investigate other possibilities..

People in rocky relationships who want to work things out do not break up and risk losing the person they love, they stay in the relationship and work within the relationship to sort things out.

If you honestly thought breaking up was going to solve anything then you were sadly mistaken.

As you are now finding out, it solved nothing. It merely sent her into the arms of another.

[Miss Clavel]

Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a unique situation that i really need help with.

 

The situation is unique because I'm the dumper, I haven't been home in 5 months and i'm the one that is doing NC.

 

Me and this girl were dating for 4 years, on and off. The last year things were going really great but i had to leave to Europe for several months. I left in the middle of December and things were especially hard for her. I had been anticipating the trip and preparing for it so it was different for me, especially because it was exciting the first few months. When I first got here I started to become a little distant and some things were bothering me so i was being very passive aggressive at times. Eventually we started to fight all the time and I started to do stupid things like lead her to believe I had girls around. She had been getting close to this guy at work who I knew liked her and it was bothering me and it made me act this way, I never talked to her about it though - I always acted like i didn't care.

 

you have a very exciting job. congrats. and i have another one for you. work on yourself. grow up, grow a pair and get some insight into why you do this, well i want to say, ****, but i risk gettin a mod.

 

hello? are you enjoying this? even a little?

 

talk to her. explain that you are getting help. that you will contact her again the day you touch home field.

 

good luck. to her as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sigh, no she did not just move on. We dated for four years.. we only broke up a month ago. She's been trying to talk to me but I told her we needed space. She dealt with it her own way and I'm dealing with it another way. I know this girl loves me more than anything, she wanted to make it work but i really felt we needed time apart otherwise it would never be fixed. I know she's just jumping into it with this guy because thats how she deals with her problems, I just need to know what to do because this is a girl I really do love. But you need to understand, the pain of having to deal us being so far apart and this guy being around while we were together would have been much more difficult than dealing with us being broken up and her running to him. I know how these things work when you're in a relationship and they have that comfort of having you there but also having someone else who wants them and provides them with comfort and a constant physical presence. It's why relationships with mistresses can flourish, because the man has the best of both worlds. I did what i thought would be best to save us in the long run and i need help in trying to know how to act while I'm away.

 

And yet...how do you think she felt when you were passive-aggressive, hinting you had other girls around? That the man who had supposedly loved her for 4 years was dropping hints that he was misbehaving? You don't seem to grasp the gravity of that. I have been on the receiving end and believe me when I say it changes the way you see someone. You intentionally planted a huge seed of doubt and set your own relationship on fire. She is now demonstrating that she doesn't want to get burnt. Again.

 

OP, pardon my bluntness, but you seriously lack perspective. Sure, distance is challenging but you showed her you aren't yet mature enough to communicate like an adult about it. You don't solve relationship problems by adding fuel to the fire.

 

You cannot claim to know why she's doing what she's doing now. Your line of thinking up until this point regarding the relationship has been faulty anyway, so you can't simply state "but I know her better than all of you!" Clearly, that hasn't worked for you in the past. All you know now is that she is moving on. She hasn't contacted you and she is spending time with someone else.

 

There's not a lot you can do now. Going No Contact is meant to help you move on, not to get her back. So it doesn't make a lick of a difference how long you stay silent.

[LD1990]

I wasn't being manipulative when I broke up with her, it was something I needed to do because the long distance was only going to drive us further apart.

 

OK come on man, cut the BS.

 

Number one, if you broke up with her to get her to do something, like "take time to reflect," then you were trying to manipulate her, that's the definition of psychological manipulation.

 

Number two, you can't create new reasons for your breakup now and try to paint yourself as some heroic figure just doing what was necessary as poor you and her were driven apart by the distance. Maybe the distance wouldn't have driven you apart had you actually communicated instead of acting like a child.

 

You treated her like trash and dumped her so you could party overseas without dealing with a girlfriend, then got worried when you realized she wasn't going to wait around to be your backup plan when you got home. You're full of **** when you say it took this to realize how much you love her, just like everyone else who says that is full of **** - when you love someone, you know, and it doesn't take a damn breakup to figure it out.

 

Just leave her alone, from the sounds of it she deserves better. Write a letter if you want, she won't care, letters are one of many ridiculous "get your ex back" strategies that never work.