Dated a Friend of 15 Years...3 Dates and a Trainwreck

[Giggles666]

3 dates should not be a big deal, and quite frankly I would usually agree. The problem is she was a friend of 15 years, and we no longer speak. Kind of a long story as we have history, and it plays into what I feel. I got a second chance with the one girl who got away.

 

Some background, I was 27 and this gorgeous woman who was 34 at the time asked me out. We dated for a month, and were never intimate. To be honest with you I had that feeling this girl was out of my league. I broke up with her after a month, I was afraid she could hurt me and at that age I was a bit immature and did not understand the old chemical reaction we call falling in love.

 

She and I remained friends over the years. Right after the break-up she would come see me play and come to parties at my house. I was always friendly with her, but kept my distance as I liked her. It sucked. Then 2 years later she got pregnant with a guy I actually introduced her to, they were total opposites.

 

About 3 years ago her and the friend got divorced, apparently the shotgun wedding was not paradise, and for 8 of the 10 years was bad. I would run into her over the years and talk with her, and realized my feelings were still there so I would remove myself from her company and never said a word to her about my feelings, she was married.

 

Recently she contacted me on Facebook, we were casual friends. But I got a PM that basically went like this. "Did you hear my ex is having a baby with his new girlfriend?". "How come no one I like ever asks me out?". I waited a couple of weeks, and we chatted the whole time. Finally, I let the genie out of the bottle told her I liked her all those years. Couple weeks later she asked why I had not contacted her for weeks. I said, I have feelings for you, as hard as I try this being friends thing is not going to work.

 

Her reply "then ask me out, stupid". I was quite shocked, because weeks before when I told her I liked her she said "wow, I had no idea you felt that way". I took that as a "you're nice and I am shocked but I do not like you". So I asked her out, she said yes. Leading up to the date we spoke on the phone, I could tell she was excited and nervous.

 

We meet for our first date, and she looked amazing, more amazing at 48 than she did at 34. So we went out, within a half hour she got real forward with me and asked if we should leave the bar get a pizza and just hang out. On the ride home she spilled her guts to me about what she wanted in a man, mainly passion and pursuit, then as I was driving told me to kiss her on the spot. I pulled over and did just that. Finally, after 15 years I had my second chance with the one who got away. We had a great night, we talked she trusted me and told me some serious stuff about her being unfaithful to her husband. I already knew this, as I said we were acquaintances me and him. Regardless, I'm 42 and know this happens, so no huge red flag. We talked, made out all night, laughed, she fell asleep in my lap and then asked me to hold her when she went to bed. The comfort of 15 years, and the trust were there. Next night she invited me over again.

 

We talked some more, made out some more, and lied to me about who she cheated with. I also knew this from talks with her ex, red flag went up. I said nothing, we got pretty aggressive and she told me she was sorry but no sex, she had some insecurities and vulnerabilities. I said that is fine and did not ask what they were, just said "no problem we all have them". She asked me to lay with her while she slept again.

 

Then the third date happened, once again we had a great time. After 15 years we finally did the deed, it was quite passionate and intense. Well worth the wait. Afterward we lay there and she said "I would like to tell you something but it's too early to tell someone you might love them, isn't it?", so I said "yeah, cause I feel the same way". I was happier than a pig in ****. She seemed to be also, however that red flag was hanging around in my head.

 

Why did she tell me she cheated but then lie about who with?

 

The following days seemed normal, lots of texts about how exciting this was for her, how I put a smile on her face, etc.

 

Then out of nowhere I get a text "I can't do this right now. I am in dark place and overwhelmed. We need to just be friends". I told her thanks for your time but I can't just be your friend again, it was torture. She said she understood. LOL so I melted down, starting asking questions "was it the sex, did I do something wrong, what do you mean dark place, you can talk to me, etc". All I got was a simple "it's me not you". So she was breaking it off but being vague. The next day I get a text "I think I have feelings and panicked". So I renigged and said, ok I will be a friend if that is how you feel. The following week I got a bunch of "I miss you texts" some nice phone calls but she was very evasive about questions I asked. Inevitably I got a text "I can't do this anymore, I'm out".

 

We had one last exchange where I said "I feel like a piece of garbage you are just tossing away, we been friends for 15 years talk to me". She replied back, "we ruined a friendship, I will never date a friend again".

 

That was it until two weeks later where I got a phone call. In the 15 years I knew this girl I never heard her yell. She yelled at me for 10 minutes straight. She basically told me that if I had not acted the way I did we still be dating, apparently asking me to be friends and being overwhelmed was now canceling one date. So finally after 10 minutes of yelling I raised my voice and told her "this is bull****, you give me vague excuses, explain nothing to me and I'm confused". She called me angry, said she does not like angry men and then hangs up on me.

 

I have not heard from her since, that was two months ago, I also have tried once to contact her to talk and she said yes call me later. I waited a week called her and no response back.

 

I know it's only 3 dates, I'm 42 and been around the block and normally would just move on. In fact, I have a bit, had sex with a couple women. But god damn, I have feelings for her and feel like I am a kid again. I can't sleep well, think about her all the time. Both good and bad, have written a bunch of letters and ripped them up. I have no idea what happened at all, and lost a friend of 15 years...

 

People say time, maybe time will work this out. But I don;t know if I got used, gaslighted, or what the hell happened. As I said she was pretty aggressive and forward and comfortable with me, then bam...I waited 15 years for a second chance, only got 3 dates, and have never had a woman confuse me more than she has.

 

Anyways, I said it would be a long story, and I apologize for it. I have no idea what to do, part of me wants this fixed right away so we are at least friendly again, part of me continues to follow the NC. Chemical reactions and confusing women still confound me apparently.

 

Thanks for listening, and this is my first post...

 

I have no idea which way is up some days or what the future holds. Some days I feel like I blew it, just not sure how. Some days I feel like I got used by a long time friend who was lonely and wanted passion and pursuit but did not want to pay a price for it.

 

It does not get easier as we get older, that's for sure.

[carhill]

Pretty amazing the power we give women, eh?

 

Basically, from my experience with MW's, she was setting you up with the early and clear disclosure of infidelity. Throw in a bit of push/pull, not bad in my estimation, and the plot was complete. Yeah, you knew her ex so that part was a variable but she was invested in her narrative and providing the disclaimer upfront, couched in 'honesty'. One thing I learned over the decades is, when a MW, or any woman I've known personally, is sincerely hot for a particular guy, she'll walk on hot coals barefoot before she'll disclose anything that could remotely turn him off to her, at the beginning. More stuff comes out as greater emotional attachment occurs. Most women know that infidelity is a huge issue for most men in any mate. Very few are casual about it, in general.

 

Personally, I don't think it was deliberate and vindictive towards you, rather simply operating on emotion with the skillset that has been honed through a lifetime of interaction. You just happened to be 'the one'.

 

When the meltdown occurred, there was nothing, absolutely zero, that you could say or do right, ever. That's when it's better IMO to politely end the conversation and disengage. Doing forensics just inspires, well, death by a thousand cuts.

 

The few times this happened to me, including once with someone who did the meltdown while disclosing she was married, currently , taught me that meaningful conversation or interaction would never occur so just move on.

 

In this case, probably healthier for you that you got it, meaning your romantic interest, out there, worked it, it ended up where it did and now it's done. I wouldn't hang on to any hope for any change. Consider it a valuable friendship in the past, some good dating experience and onward.

 

You're right, it doesn't generally get easier and the only consolation is that, depending on your physiology, your desire for female companionship may lessen to the point where constant desire isn't on the menu anymore. It's easier to pass on by or disengage without care.

[MsJayne]

....yep, Drama Queen. Likes all the fun of the chase, gets bored the moment the chase is over, so creates confusion and uncertainty so it seems like the chase is still on. All this "dark place" stuff is just her way of keeping it all on the level of a bad soap opera and stringing you along, because she really likes that you're smitten by her, it's great for her 48 year old probably-menopausal ego. Frankly, she sounds like a nutjob, and it's been two months now, so she's probably lost interest altogether and found someone new to play juvenile love games with. Going by the way you describe her she just sounds like trouble.

[Giggles666]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I agree, she was looking for the chase, she talked about it for months. I think I got sucked in and thought it would be fun myself, plus knowing her so long.

 

I also agree she's trouble, I think she's super lonely. She's definitely not who I remember and the gaslighting pissed me off to be honest, the whole "we need to just be friends" then claiming she only canceled one date made me angry. I also have this need to discuss it, but have learned you just move on from that. I'll see her again soon enough, we have the same circle of friends and live close by. I figure I'll just be myself and not even engage her.

 

I did find the cheating on her husband convo a bit weird, hey I cheated, but am going to lie about who with. It was odd.

 

Live and learn, as you said a friendship of the past. I don't truly regret losing the friendship, no one wants to have feelings for a friend. So I took the gamble.

 

I also now know of another red flag I missed. At one point she was telling me she had a bunch of stalkers. when she explained some of their actions I said "how is that stalking". In hindsight I assume she did the same to them because frankly them liking your pics on FB is not stalking lol.

 

I also see why she has problems finding dates, when we get to a certain age we tend to avoid games and she seems to enjoy them.

 

Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.

[kodi32]

3 dates should not be a big deal, and quite frankly I would usually agree. The problem is she was a friend of 15 years, and we no longer speak. Kind of a long story as we have history, and it plays into what I feel. I got a second chance with the one girl who got away.

 

Some background, I was 27 and this gorgeous woman who was 34 at the time asked me out. We dated for a month, and were never intimate. To be honest with you I had that feeling this girl was out of my league. I broke up with her after a month, I was afraid she could hurt me and at that age I was a bit immature and did not understand the old chemical reaction we call falling in love.

 

She and I remained friends over the years. Right after the break-up she would come see me play and come to parties at my house. I was always friendly with her, but kept my distance as I liked her. It sucked. Then 2 years later she got pregnant with a guy I actually introduced her to, they were total opposites.

 

About 3 years ago her and the friend got divorced, apparently the shotgun wedding was not paradise, and for 8 of the 10 years was bad. I would run into her over the years and talk with her, and realized my feelings were still there so I would remove myself from her company and never said a word to her about my feelings, she was married.

 

Recently she contacted me on Facebook, we were casual friends. But I got a PM that basically went like this. "Did you hear my ex is having a baby with his new girlfriend?". "How come no one I like ever asks me out?". I waited a couple of weeks, and we chatted the whole time. Finally, I let the genie out of the bottle told her I liked her all those years. Couple weeks later she asked why I had not contacted her for weeks. I said, I have feelings for you, as hard as I try this being friends thing is not going to work.

 

Her reply "then ask me out, stupid". I was quite shocked, because weeks before when I told her I liked her she said "wow, I had no idea you felt that way". I took that as a "you're nice and I am shocked but I do not like you". So I asked her out, she said yes. Leading up to the date we spoke on the phone, I could tell she was excited and nervous.

 

We meet for our first date, and she looked amazing, more amazing at 48 than she did at 34. So we went out, within a half hour she got real forward with me and asked if we should leave the bar get a pizza and just hang out. On the ride home she spilled her guts to me about what she wanted in a man, mainly passion and pursuit, then as I was driving told me to kiss her on the spot. I pulled over and did just that. Finally, after 15 years I had my second chance with the one who got away. We had a great night, we talked she trusted me and told me some serious stuff about her being unfaithful to her husband. I already knew this, as I said we were acquaintances me and him. Regardless, I'm 42 and know this happens, so no huge red flag. We talked, made out all night, laughed, she fell asleep in my lap and then asked me to hold her when she went to bed. The comfort of 15 years, and the trust were there. Next night she invited me over again.

 

We talked some more, made out some more, and lied to me about who she cheated with. I also knew this from talks with her ex, red flag went up. I said nothing, we got pretty aggressive and she told me she was sorry but no sex, she had some insecurities and vulnerabilities. I said that is fine and did not ask what they were, just said "no problem we all have them". She asked me to lay with her while she slept again.

 

Then the third date happened, once again we had a great time. After 15 years we finally did the deed, it was quite passionate and intense. Well worth the wait. Afterward we lay there and she said "I would like to tell you something but it's too early to tell someone you might love them, isn't it?", so I said "yeah, cause I feel the same way". I was happier than a pig in ****. She seemed to be also, however that red flag was hanging around in my head.

 

Why did she tell me she cheated but then lie about who with?

 

The following days seemed normal, lots of texts about how exciting this was for her, how I put a smile on her face, etc.

 

Then out of nowhere I get a text "I can't do this right now. I am in dark place and overwhelmed. We need to just be friends". I told her thanks for your time but I can't just be your friend again, it was torture. She said she understood. LOL so I melted down, starting asking questions "was it the sex, did I do something wrong, what do you mean dark place, you can talk to me, etc". All I got was a simple "it's me not you". So she was breaking it off but being vague. The next day I get a text "I think I have feelings and panicked". So I renigged and said, ok I will be a friend if that is how you feel. The following week I got a bunch of "I miss you texts" some nice phone calls but she was very evasive about questions I asked. Inevitably I got a text "I can't do this anymore, I'm out".

 

We had one last exchange where I said "I feel like a piece of garbage you are just tossing away, we been friends for 15 years talk to me". She replied back, "we ruined a friendship, I will never date a friend again".

 

That was it until two weeks later where I got a phone call. In the 15 years I knew this girl I never heard her yell. She yelled at me for 10 minutes straight. She basically told me that if I had not acted the way I did we still be dating, apparently asking me to be friends and being overwhelmed was now canceling one date. So finally after 10 minutes of yelling I raised my voice and told her "this is bull****, you give me vague excuses, explain nothing to me and I'm confused". She called me angry, said she does not like angry men and then hangs up on me.

 

I have not heard from her since, that was two months ago, I also have tried once to contact her to talk and she said yes call me later. I waited a week called her and no response back.

 

I know it's only 3 dates, I'm 42 and been around the block and normally would just move on. In fact, I have a bit, had sex with a couple women. But god damn, I have feelings for her and feel like I am a kid again. I can't sleep well, think about her all the time. Both good and bad, have written a bunch of letters and ripped them up. I have no idea what happened at all, and lost a friend of 15 years...

 

People say time, maybe time will work this out. But I don;t know if I got used, gaslighted, or what the hell happened. As I said she was pretty aggressive and forward and comfortable with me, then bam...I waited 15 years for a second chance, only got 3 dates, and have never had a woman confuse me more than she has.

 

Anyways, I said it would be a long story, and I apologize for it. I have no idea what to do, part of me wants this fixed right away so we are at least friendly again, part of me continues to follow the NC. Chemical reactions and confusing women still confound me apparently.

 

Thanks for listening, and this is my first post...

 

I have no idea which way is up some days or what the future holds. Some days I feel like I blew it, just not sure how. Some days I feel like I got used by a long time friend who was lonely and wanted passion and pursuit but did not want to pay a price for it.

 

It does not get easier as we get older, that's for sure.

 

Bro hugs bud.

 

Women are the most powerful force in the universe, and 15 years of feelings are not easy to put to one side.

 

I think all you can do is just become a ghost and do your best to move on.

 

I hate it when women say "i'm scared of my feelings for you" what kind of f*cked up i've got daddy issues sh*t is that?

 

As you say, plenty of red flags so probably best you got out of dodge when you did. A cheater and a liar, not exactly an ideal candidate for a life partner.

 

I hope you feel better real soon and at least you can walk away knowing that you tried and did your best.

[Standard-Fare]

She sounds like major drama all around, very unstable, and I'm sure she's always been that way, with each and every man she's dated. So she WAS correct in telling you "It's me, not you."

 

Know that if you continue trying to interact with her, you'll only ensure yourself a never-ending emotional rollercoaster. And at some point you'll have no one to blame but yourself for going through the pain and confusion of that.

[Giggles666]

Thanks for the replies. I have decided it does not matter that she ever know why I got upset. She lied to me and I never told her that is what led to me not dealing well. I won;t get closure and would only be trying to save my own ego. It was hard to be a friend for all that time, and to be honest in those years I had relationships and did not dwell on her, I just had feelings when I saw her.

 

MY ego will recover and soon enough I will not feel the need to tell her what upset me, she doesn't care.

 

I'll be fine and if we do cross paths I can just avoid any talk, be civil with a wave if I have to and a simple hello. I think she's chasing some "magic" that quite frankly will always involve some work and a person with feelings on the other end. I wish her the best with that.