TunaCat Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 As a woman who just turned 30, this topic really bugs me because it sounds like the OP thinks there has to be something wrong with a woman who's single. I'm single and have been for over a year. Is there something wrong with me just because I don't feel that immediate rush to get into a relationship? Is there something wrong with me that I can't get dates at all? I'm content being single. I'm certainly not going to date someone I'm not into because I don't want to waste their time. Sure, you could say I'm being picky, but I'd rather be picky and never get into a relationship again than just settle for the next guy who comes along and end up being miserable. 6
Aniela Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Who said anything about living with them? I'm just talking about meeting up to see what they are like face-to-face as you can't tell much about a person online. In your post, you sounded like you thought they should be desperate for a relationship. Living with someone is usually what happens when people are together for a long period of time, or are desperate for that company. I'm sure these women have been meeting men, and nothing has clicked, just as Imajerk talked about, in regards to the women he's met, and dated. I wonder how long the OP has been on the dating site. I wonder how long you have been on dating sites. Would you like people assuming that there's something wrong with you, because you're still there? 4
mortensorchid Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I really don't like these questions. Not that you in particular have asked them, because they are general questions that we have been lead to believe is the problem at hand - that there is something wrong with a person who has never been married / had children by a certain age. And I don't just say this because I myself am 41 and never been married / had children by this age, this is not a lash out. I would like to point out that sometimes life does not work out the way we want it to. Sometimes decisions are made for you. As an adult I have been in 3 LTRs, and 2 semi-LTRs. Of the three men I was in the 3 LTRs with, all 3 of them dumped me and said "I'm going to get another gf". One of them, as far as I know, did not and will never marry me or anyone else (as a matter of fact, he will probably never go out on another date or have sex with another woman for the rest of his life, but that's another story and I could be wrong about that, but I digress). The other two rebounded, married the next woman who came along not even a year later, and are both divorced from those women today. Of the 2 semi-LTRs, one married the next woman barely a year later and as far as I know they are still married today - he was a sniveling coward and got the woman he deserved. The other took up with a trash woman who ruined his relationships with his family and friends and he is just starting to rebuild it now. There is a part of me that has hope that maybe someday, somehow it will happen for me, but it's getting dimmer and dimmer. So with that in mind, I try to be open to all aspects of meeting people and avenues to try, I'm not sitting at home just talking to people online all day. Remember, there are women (and men) out there who are not single by choice, they are single because every other man out there is married, attached, or attracted to the same men she is, or is, as I have encountered, simple not interested in her. One recently said to me "I am not interested in you romantically." That's keeping it real, isn't it? Keep moving forward. That's what you do. 2
Toodaloo Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 Dating someone for a hook-up or a month or three wouldn't put them in the "awesome" category. But I'm sure the term is contextual, like "She was 'awesome' in the sack'.", but was only good enough for a hook-up or one month fling. Then probably that's where the term would be appropriate. lol A person can be absolutely fantastic and totally awesome but also not a great match for you. Relationships are not just about how great a person is... its also about how well you match together and work together. To immediately assume that a man or woman is only considered "awesome" because (s)he may or may not be good in bed is really crass. It may be something totally random that means they would not be a good match. I went out with a great guy but his idea of "normal" good times was going out every Friday and Saturday night and sleeping in to gone noon because he wouldn't get in until after 3am... My idea of "normal" good times was going to the theatre or getting up first thing to take the dogs for a walk. While we both enjoyed what the other did for "normal" fun actually day to day it caused problems... Hence we were incompatible. Nothing wrong with either of us just our lifestyles, while seemingly compatible were not in reality. People should be picky and if they have to wait a bit longer for that special person then that is fine by me. Just asked my new beau about this and what he would think. And his view was that perhaps older single people had been in a relationship that wasn't working and that they had been trying everything they could before giving up. Perhaps they are single through bereavement. He said it was refreshing to meet new people and people who were only single because they had been trying to work things through but hadn't been able to. Showed a sense of loyalty and sensibility that he hadn't encountered in his previous relationship... 3
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 A person can be absolutely fantastic and totally awesome but also not a great match for you. Relationships are not just about how great a person is... its also about how well you match together and work together. To immediately assume that a man or woman is only considered "awesome" because (s)he may or may not be good in bed is really crass. It may be something totally random that means they would not be a good match. I went out with a great guy but his idea of "normal" good times was going out every Friday and Saturday night and sleeping in to gone noon because he wouldn't get in until after 3am... My idea of "normal" good times was going to the theatre or getting up first thing to take the dogs for a walk. While we both enjoyed what the other did for "normal" fun actually day to day it caused problems... Hence we were incompatible. Nothing wrong with either of us just our lifestyles, while seemingly compatible were not in reality. People should be picky and if they have to wait a bit longer for that special person then that is fine by me. Just asked my new beau about this and what he would think. And his view was that perhaps older single people had been in a relationship that wasn't working and that they had been trying everything they could before giving up. Perhaps they are single through bereavement. He said it was refreshing to meet new people and people who were only single because they had been trying to work things through but hadn't been able to. Showed a sense of loyalty and sensibility that he hadn't encountered in his previous relationship... I think the word "awesome" is being misused in this case. I have never been on a date with someone that I considered "awesome." For instance, I had a date with a woman that was quite unengaging. Poor conversationalist. She wasn't an "awesome" date. At the very most I would say, "Meh, she was okay or nice" but not "awesome". Usually I do associate the word "awesome" with having had a great date and other dates soon to follow! :-)
xxoo Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I've known a lot of awesome people who are just not right for me as a partner. That's most of the awesome people I know, in fact. Very few people are right for a relationship with me, but lots of people are really awesome. 4
selinaluv Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 (edited) I've been single for a few years now. I've dated, but nothing serious ever came off it. Is it my fault? Not really. The guys I had interest in had no interest in me and I have no interest in being in a relationship just for the sake of it. I do want to have kids though, and know the clock is ticking, but that's not gonna make me jump on to the next relationship that might present itself. This is so wise. I have a friend who did just that... met a man and they quickly had two kids. She was close to 40 and was so scared she would never get her chance. A few years later and two small kids, she is essentially a single parent, she does not get along with his teenage children, he keeps reminding her he didn't want the two little ones in the first place, and they can barely be together without arguing. She loves her kids but says often that she would not be with him if it weren't for them. She would rather be alone at this point. Edited May 13, 2016 by selinaluv
Miss Peach Posted May 13, 2016 Posted May 13, 2016 I divorced and spent about 5 years on OLD. I had already been in a crappy marriage and had built so much for myself while being single. I also really like flirting and attention. I enjoy single life. It was going to take a special man who treated me really well to get me to settle down for the long term. I had a number of guys ask to be that guy but they didn't meet MY standards. I did meet one about a year ago so has been meeting them so far and seems to match me well. I do believe a lot of people in general look at the most ridiculous things. I hear women complain about height. Men complain about weight. I was listening to a podcast where someone said she won't date geminis. I made a list of values I was looking for and kept the 'package' they came in pretty open. In some cases I didn't meet the guy's list or it was bad timing. In some cases they didn't meet mine.
tayriley Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 this is such an odd thing to ask. how about you turn the question on yourself and ask, "why am i single? is there something wrong with ME"??? it's really bizarre that you judge someone else for being single so harshly when you yourself are in the same boat. why are you single? what was 'wrong' with all the eligible women you dated? you probably weren't all that into them, so you moved on. what's wrong with that? 1
dobielover Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 This is, unfortunately, a question that seems imperative when meeting most any single woman, because the alternative situation is clear: if a woman is intelligent, attractive, and is a good relationship partner, she will mostly likely already be in a relationship. No, it doesn't mean that is clear - at all. It merely assumes that not she did want to be in a relationship up to that point, but also that she was able to find someone she was compatible with while she was wanting a relationship. If she either didn't want to be in a relationship prior to you encountering her online, or was unable to find someone she was compatible with (and trust me, you're not all peaches), she'll be single. Same with men. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 this is such an odd thing to ask. how about you turn the question on yourself and ask, "why am i single? is there something wrong with ME"??? it's really bizarre that you judge someone else for being single so harshly when you yourself are in the same boat. why are you single? what was 'wrong' with all the eligible women you dated? you probably weren't all that into them, so you moved on. what's wrong with that? Yeah, I had a woman look at me strangely as to why I've never been married...and this is coming from a woman who has been divorced twice.
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Yeah, I had a woman look at me strangely as to why I've never been married...and this is coming from a woman who has been divorced twice. Yeah her justification would be "well at least I got two guys to marry me.". As if that is some great accomplishment . They could be complete losers, doesn't matter, she's a winner cuz two guys wanted to marry her! Big whoop. In her warped mind, it's what's *your* excuse, as if there is something wrong with you for choosing to remain single. Ya know, years ago I had a few guys ask me why I wasn't in a relationship. The implication being "what's wrong with you"? For me, just asking was such a turn off, dealbreaker turnoff actually. Just that one question but it said so much about the type of man he is and how he thinks. My response was always "same reason YOU are not." Then I politely excused myself and left. I have no time for such hypocrisy and arrogance. Next! Edited May 14, 2016 by katiegrl
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Yeah her justification would be "well at least I got two guys to marry me.". As if that is some great accomplishment . They could be complete losers, doesn't matter, she's a winner cuz two guys wanted to marry her! Big whoop... Could be this. Could also be said that at least the twice-divorced person has tried. Could also be that the twice-divorced person actually learned some things from the *failures* and so now knows the things that don't work. In any event, if people think that someone they're dating/about to date has been single "too long" (and therefore it's a red flag), they should stop dating / not date that person. Likewise, if someone thinks a person who's never married is a red flag, they should pass on that person, too. The world - including the dating world - provides many opportunities for us to get what we want; it's what allowed Goldilocks to find just the right chair, porridge, and bed to suit her individual tastes. The moral of the story wasn't to sit around around and complain about what one doesn't like, but rather to get up off one's duff and go try other ones, 'til one does find what one wants. 2
Jabron1 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) I really don't like these questions. Not that you in particular have asked them, because they are general questions that we have been lead to believe is the problem at hand - that there is something wrong with a person who has never been married / had children by a certain age. And I don't just say this because I myself am 41 and never been married / had children by this age, this is not a lash out. I struggle to understand why anyone would care or let it bother them? I have been asked so many times (mostly by women) 'when are you going to get married?', and all sorts of similar questions. I don't take that as 'you aren't worth anything unless you're married'; I take it as 'you are worth so damn much that I'm surprised you are single'. Then when I answer the question honestly people get upset, which has happened on here too. Which is why most of the time I just say 'I don't believe in it' (like ghosts, or Santa Claus lol). I don't need marriage; marriage needs me. this is such an odd thing to ask. how about you turn the question on yourself and ask, "why am i single? is there something wrong with ME"??? Because he isn't considering whether or not he should try and date himself. The OP is just trying to be discerning. He's entitled to that. I don't think his intention is to put down anybody at all (intent is everything in my opinion), and I'm surprised at the backlash that he's getting. I think he's just trying to understand online dating or dating in general. I do think people are taking the name of this thread too seriously. He wasn't saying that everyone who is single has issues or whatever (we all have issues anyway ). He quite clearly defined things in his opening post. Edited May 14, 2016 by Jabron1
katiegrl Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Jabron, those few times when I was flat out asked, usually on a first date, "so why are you *still* single" .... I knew by how they asked the question... that what they really wanted to know was "what's wrong with you"? Guess you had to be there but that was definitely the implication, no doubt about that at all. Sure there have been other times when it just came up spontaneously during a conversation ..... but that was different. And perfectly fine I didn't take offense to it at all. It's all in how the question is presented..... 4
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Jabron, those few times when I was flat out asked, usually on a first date, "so why are you *still* single" .... I knew by how they asked the question... that what they really wanted to know was "what's wrong with you"? Guess you had to be there but that was definitely the implication, no doubt about that at all. Sure there have been other times when it just came up spontaneously during a conversation ..... but that was different. And perfectly fine I didn't take offense to it at all. It's all in how the question is presented..... There's a world of difference between "Why are you still single...is there something wrong with you?" and "When are you going to get married?" The difference is so obvious, even a blind man utilizing an online discussion board would *see* the difference. 3
Jabron1 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) There's a world of difference between "Why are you still single...is there something wrong with you?" and "When are you going to get married?" The difference is so obvious, even a blind man utilizing an online discussion board would *see* the difference. I was talking to Mortensorchid re. marriage, or lack of. Jabron, those few times when I was flat out asked, usually on a first date, "so why are you *still* single" .... I knew by how they asked the question... that what they really wanted to know was "what's wrong with you"? Guess you had to be there but that was definitely the implication, no doubt about that at all. Sure there have been other times when it just came up spontaneously during a conversation ..... but that was different. And perfectly fine I didn't take offense to it at all. It's all in how the question is presented..... I know what you mean. If he came here saying that he was going ask that to someone on a date, I'd have a very different response for him. Isn't that what a forum like this is for? To question these things. He didn't ask 'is there something wrong with a single woman?' (once again, I'd have a very different response for him ). He asked: 1. Is there something wrong with an attractive single woman that is active on the same dating site for several years. and 2. Is there something wrong with a woman that is in her 30s or 40s that is single and childless, but now openly advertises wanting children and marriage on her dating profile. Both of these are things to seriously consider. He could have couched the question better, egos would be less bruised. But the debate has been more about that and semantics, then what the actual topic is. The feedback, and impression given, is that he was wrong to even ask the question, on a forum that should be inviting such discussion. Edited May 14, 2016 by Jabron1
xxoo Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 I don't need marriage; marriage needs me. Marriage is MUCH better off if people who don't want to be married don't marry. It's all good. 2
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 I was talking to Mortensorchid re. marriage, or lack of. I was typing to katiegirl; that's why I quoted her, in my reply.
Jabron1 Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Marriage is MUCH better off if people who don't want to be married don't marry. Marriage is much worse off when valuable people see it as worthless. It's all good. Agreed. It all works out in the end.
mrldii Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Marriage is much worse off when valuable people see it as worthless... Interesting concept. I guess you - and I - and everyone else posting here - are the "worthless" end-products of eons' worth of invaluable people's couplings. Suppose it does address why the world is in the shape it's in; only the value-less people mated throughout the history of mankind.
xxoo Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Marriage is much worse off when valuable people see it as worthless. . Not really, as long as other valuable people happily marry. It's not Like we all need to want the same things. 2
Toodaloo Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I think the word "awesome" is being misused in this case. I have never been on a date with someone that I considered "awesome." For instance, I had a date with a woman that was quite unengaging. Poor conversationalist. She wasn't an "awesome" date. At the very most I would say, "Meh, she was okay or nice" but not "awesome". Usually I do associate the word "awesome" with having had a great date and other dates soon to follow! :-) If went on a date with a guy who was (I quote) "quite unengaging. Poor conversationalist"... that is not an OK date for me. They are not "nice". They are as boring as hell and dull as f***. That is a BAD date for me. Most of my dates at the beginning were like that. Now they are rarely like that. Its called learning to find people who suit you and dating those rather than trying to beet your head against a wall. There are loads of single people out there of all ages who are single through circumstance and NOT because there is something "wrong" with them. Is it a persons fault if they are single because their partner ran off with someone else and they have spent time picking up the pieces and getting their life back on track before trying to date again? Is there something "wrong" with the person who's partner was killed in a car accident and they took time to mourn before moving on to find someone else? You just can not judge others like this and if you do then you are likely to miss out on some cracking opportunities.
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 If went on a date with a guy who was (I quote) "quite unengaging. Poor conversationalist"... that is not an OK date for me. They are not "nice". They are as boring as hell and dull as f***. That is a BAD date for me. Most of my dates at the beginning were like that. Now they are rarely like that. Its called learning to find people who suit you and dating those rather than trying to beet your head against a wall. There are loads of single people out there of all ages who are single through circumstance and NOT because there is something "wrong" with them. Is it a persons fault if they are single because their partner ran off with someone else and they have spent time picking up the pieces and getting their life back on track before trying to date again? Is there something "wrong" with the person who's partner was killed in a car accident and they took time to mourn before moving on to find someone else? You just can not judge others like this and if you do then you are likely to miss out on some cracking opportunities. Yeah, an unengaging conversationalist will be a bad date for me as well. Been running into a lot of those, but usually its in online responses where their responses are quite unengaginig.
Toodaloo Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Yeah, an unengaging conversationalist will be a bad date for me as well. Been running into a lot of those, but usually its in online responses where their responses are quite unengaginig. Hang on - one minute you say they are OK or "nice". Then you say its a bad date? Why are you even bothering? If the responses are not engaging or interesting to you why bother at all? Why waste your time?
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