Why is she still single? is there something wrong with her?

[Toodaloo]

It's easy for people to go through a lot of dating failures, or to reject nearly all prospects that come their way, on the basis that they "just haven't met the right person." I think it often takes a series of failed relationships, and perhaps a personal crisis, for most people to say, "Maybe the reason I'm still single is me."

 

The "I just haven't met the right person" excuse seems to be a pretty convenient way for people to avoid facing their own issues and to avoid making any changes in their behavior. And it also helps people avoid facing problems in the relationship by saying, "I wouldn't be having these problems if I was with the right person."

 

Actually I stopped having the problems when I became single. It took a heck of a lot of time and therapy to discover it really wasn't me. I beat myself up more than anyone else ever could. I exhausted myself emotionally and physically trying to be some sort of "perfect" person. Turns out I was just unlucky not to have met someone special to love.

 

Oh I thought I was terrible and awful and completely unlovable. I didn't think I was worth the dog poop on anyones shoe. Being single and remaining so for a prolonged period of time helped me to realise that actually that attitude was far from the truth. That I have many really great attributes and my only mistake was dating people for the sake of "not being single" or because if I were single then it clearly showed that there was something wrong with me. I realised that as a pretty special person I deserved someone equally as special and that for me to try and date down or date less... My successes have come when I have "dated up" and gone for the qualities in a man that I admire. OK so I have not been lucky enough to have found that special one but I have been lucky enough to start meeting the right sort of people for me and to have a much better time of it dating.

 

Look around you. The world is full of married people who are not perfect. Creating this illusion that you are not worthy of love or that you are a reject just because you are single is not only unhealthy but also probably why so many really great people struggle and find it so hard to find real sustainable love.

 

By the way my latest beau farts. He picks his nose when he thinks I am not looking and doesn't put the loo seat down very often. He is also a highly regarded, very talented man, who at the weekend won a succession of awards. He is fun, generous, caring, energetic, thoughtful, has an eye for detail. He works hard, is imaginative and thinks that the sun shines out of my back side... Why? because for the first time in a long time I am just being myself rather than getting all het up and worked up over trying to be someone elses vision of who I should be rather than just being who I am...

[truth_seeker]

 

Group 1: When you have a beautiful woman on a dating site for several years, there's something up. Red flag.

 

Group 2: When you have someone on a dating site in their late 30s, early 40s who broadcasts that they want kids and marriage, that's a red flag too.

 

 

1) YES! Man, oh, man... found two good-looking ladies on OLD. One when I first dipped my toe into it years ago and abruptly left, thinking it wasn't for me... then years later, I got curious and gave it a go and they were still there! Same pics, same profile. I spoke to both of them to see what was going on, if they were real. Both were crazy and unstable. Got my answer.

 

2) I'm half way with you on this one. Yea, it reeks of desperation but at that age, at least they're honest in what they want. You should know what you want out of life by a certain age.

[smackie9]

She may want a relationship, but damn she's probably enjoying herself too much with her independence/freedom, having a fulfilling busy life.....nothing wrong with that.

 

I would be more concerned if a woman was obsessed looking for a man to fill a void, complaining that all men are d$*&^%bags......

[sc0316]

OP: Since you've seen the same women on the same dating site for a few years, does it mean you're also the same, namely, you've been on the same dating site for a few years?

[Arieswoman]

Jabron22, post #22

 

Group 1: When you have a beautiful woman on a dating site for several years, there's something up. Red flag.

 

Group 2: When you have someone on a dating site in their late 30s, early 40s who broadcasts that they want kids and marriage, that's a red flag too.

 

Both are sensible things to consider.

 

 

Now I agree with you in part.

 

Group 1,

Are we sure that these women are real?

Guys have told me that some women on OLD are actually escorts/ prostitutes/hookers.

Guys have also told me that what bugged them off the most with OLD was that women didn't put recent photos on there and were at least 100lbs heavier than they said.

(Please don't flame me for this - just repeating what I was told)

 

Group 2.

Hmm, not sure what to make of this one but it makes no sense to me.

 

I don't think these women are desperate, but they are naiive or stupid (bracing myself for more flaming

 

If a woman wants a child nowadays, then if she is emotionally, psychologically and financially able to raise it herself then there aren't any constraints on that. She doesn't need to advertise.

 

I did use OLD years ago as one means of meeting people but IMO half the profiles were fake.

 

Just my take on this....

[selinaluv]

I am a divorced, single woman for 7 years and could probably fit the mold you describe. I have had a few men ask me the same thing.

 

I have been on and off the sites. My breaks can be for a year or more. Usually it is because I am dating someone or too busy. When this happens, I never check the sites. So just cause her profile is "active" doesn't mean she is.

 

My pics are taken within the last year and I look younger then my age. I have a great job, my own place, and I am extremely independent. I was married for 8 years, with ex for 12, and one day my he just decided he was done. That could do a lot to damage someone's trust and willingness to commit.

 

During this time I was also raising a daughter on my own. Many men do not want the responsibility of a small child and a single mother.

 

I still have my daughter full time and works 40+ hours and it gives me very little time. I have to prioritize my free time, which is hardly any. I am online to find someone fun to hang out with and enjoy my time with, not necessarily for commitment. Some men are okay with this, some are not.

 

I love to travel and my daughter and I have traveled globally. I have had some men bristle at this independence and sometimes I feel it can be too much for them. That is what comes from doing it on your on for so long, I am steadfast about being who I am and finding a man who can compliment that, not support me.

 

On top of that, the two men I did truly care for... one went back to his wife, the other decided he wanted to leave me and marry a 20 year old Thai prostitute instead (not joking). One was cheaper to keep her, the other wants someone to dote on him (his own words). I think the problem there was more them than me.

 

The point of all this is I do take some offense if people think there is something "wrong" with me because I am single. OLD is hard enough for the young people, with no baggage like divorce and children, imagine how it would be for someone with even less time and resources and isn't as desirable due to circumstances?

 

I have pretty much given up on it, but my profile is still active. Just because it is active on a free site doesn't mean anything.

Edited May 10, 2016 by selinaluv

[mortensorchid]

I am tired of people asking these questions of me and others. Why don't I have a bf when I have so much that would attract someone (looks, body, etc.)? Well, the answer is that because no one wants me. They say they do but they don't follow through. Of the ones I have been in an LTR with? They didn't want to commit to me because they don't deserve to be happy but to be miserable. Not true? They all met and married the next woman who came along who is/was a sub par woman who uses, abuses and takes advantage of them, divorced them. One left one of my old bfs for another woman she was cheating on him with for the last two or three years they were married. Another left another by simply moving to another state one day - she got him to support her, her kids, have him buy her a trailer in NC and pay for her daughter's education and she divorced him, married husband #4, then divorced husband #4 after the last of the checks cleared.

 

Even when I go out on an internet date, I know that if I haven't heard from him within the first 24/48 hours, it's over and done with. Even if I have, none of them just says "I want to see you again." That's all they have to do. They seemed to have accused me of being mysterious, but it is good communication, after all.

[meeji]

She definitely shouldn't be dating a guy like you. You don't know this woman and suddenly you know everything about her love life?

 

There are 100 attracted men for every 1 attractive moman. Did you ever think that the guys who take her our happen to be dicks?

 

That's my issue. When I mentioned boyfriend material I will know. She's probably waiting for mr. Right and not mr. Right now.

 

My advice is to worry about your own love life. What's wrong with you? You're single too!

[ASG]

I've been single for a few years now. I've dated, but nothing serious ever came off it.

 

Is it my fault? Not really. The guys I had interest in had no interest in me and I have no interest in being in a relationship just for the sake of it. I do want to have kids though, and know the clock is ticking, but that's not gonna make me jump on to the next relationship that might present itself.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Group 1

There are several girls I have had crushed on from OLD site one in particular.

I would argue she is a head turner, quite attractive quite hot, fit body, dresses sexy, acts younger than her age. Yet For several years now she has been on same OLD site and still active. She's hot, she gets a lot of attention online ( and offline according to her messages to me) but years now she's still single still searching

According to our past interactions she gets asked out a lot... but still single but she says she wants a LTR

 

You argue maybe she doesn't want to settle?

 

But Until what point? she is in her 40's, divorced with kids, looks younger, There has to be a point where you say okay I can't be THIS picky anymore right?

 

Hey forget about me, there are way better men out there than me ( so you dont think i'm a bitter reject) There are at least a few thousand eligible men in the Metro area to choose from, and still no one?

 

There are a few others I have seen online for years as well,

 

Fairly women who seem like they are perpetually single. There are several of these cases ( women in my cases... cuz that what i search for) That i have seen have been on OLD for just years and years, I live in a fairly sizable metro area so certainly they should have been able to find Someone in all this time right?

 

( I am sure there are dudes like this too, I just dont check their profiles)

 

question 1: Is there something wrong with her that she just keeps remaining single?

 

Group 2

 

women either in late 30's and early 40's who have never been married and don't have kids but they say they want both now

 

While I understand putting education and career first I feel as if both should be fairly accomplished by early 30's even phd level

 

at least if a person married and divorced, it just didn't work and that happens.

 

question 2: Is there something wrong with a man or a woman who by their 40's still hasn't been married or had kids? Should these types be avoided?

 

Thank you

 

Yeah, I took about a year long break from online dating...came back, still see the same women, though moderately attractive...on the site. And I've already emailed them back then and thought, "Crap, why did I come back? The same picky women back then are still here."

 

And in these smaller towns, someone can't really afford not to give someone a shot...esp. when they're in their 40s. I would suggest they relocate if that's the case, otherwise, they may have to make due with whoever is available in the area.

 

I mentioned in another post sometime back that a woman in her 40s, attractive, never married no kids...wanted to have the same kind of loving and lasting relationship like her parents currently have (40+ years). So her life rather mirrored mine. Pretty good match on paper. *shrug*

 

She was a stickler for not going outside her backwater town's city limits though.

 

Yeah, she's pretty much S.O.L. if she's that picky and online dating seems to perpetuate this as they become permanent fixtures of the site.

[d0nnivain]

There will be people in both categories who are worth dating and people who aren't. You can't make generalizations about this stuff.

 

I was in my 40s when I married, no kids. I had been in an LTR for 12 years from my early 20s to mid thirties. I wasn't defective although I know people may have wondered. DH was 35 when we met, also never married no kids. Frankly I felt like I found a unicorn & was thrilled.

 

Especially with OLD, if you like the look of a person, keep reading. If you like both the loook & the profile, send a message. Meet sooner rather than later. If you see real red flags, based on things they actually do or say, run. Other than that try not to over analyze, jump to conclusions or self sabotage.

[elaine567]

Everyone has their own story especially when we are talking about people who are 30+.

To try to generalise, place people in boxes and make "avoiding rules" before even getting to know them or their particular story is madness.

Everybody has "baggage", married people have baggage, single people have baggage, older people have baggage, young people have baggage, no-one is baggage free.

Everyone has their own personal limits as to who they will and won't date, it is individual to them, there is therefore no need to generalise or attempt to demean any particular group on the dating scene.

[Toodaloo]

And in these smaller towns, someone can't really afford not to give someone a shot...esp. when they're in their 40s. I would suggest they relocate if that's the case, otherwise, they may have to make due with whoever is available in the area.

 

I beg to differ.

 

Its fine to "make do" with a sedan when you really want a sports car after all the car doesn't have feelings.

 

But to go out with and get married to a man just because "he will do"... What happens a few years down the line when you realise that actually he will not do, he is not the one for you and Mr Right has just hello in the super market or invited you out for drinks after a business lunch...? You break his heart and crush his dreams... Its living a lie.

 

Being with someone because they will do is highly disrespectful to both them and yourself. Its a terrible way to treat people.

 

I still see nothing wrong with being single when you are 30+

[LookAtThisPOst]

I beg to differ.

 

Its fine to "make do" with a sedan when you really want a sports car after all the car doesn't have feelings.

 

But to go out with and get married to a man just because "he will do"... What happens a few years down the line when you realise that actually he will not do, he is not the one for you and Mr Right has just hello in the super market or invited you out for drinks after a business lunch...? You break his heart and crush his dreams... Its living a lie.

 

Being with someone because they will do is highly disrespectful to both them and yourself. Its a terrible way to treat people.

 

I still see nothing wrong with being single when you are 30+

 

Well, maybe the words "make do" is not the right words? I kind of equate it to that of, "Well, he's attractive and compatible, but there's the feeling of , "But can I do better."

 

Just Google "The Husband Store" as it portrays an accurate analogy of what I'm referring. They are looking for that unicorn.

[elaine567]

Well, maybe the words "make do" is not the right words? I kind of equate it to that of, "Well, he's attractive and compatible, but there's the feeling of , "But can I do better."

 

Just Google "The Husband Store" as it portrays an accurate analogy of what I'm referring. They are looking for that unicorn.

But men do the same surely?

[stillafool]

I don't see anything odd about a good looking woman in her 40's who is not married. Especially if she is divorced and has kids why would she need to marry again.

[Toodaloo]

And if they are looking for that unicorn surely there is no point is stressing yourself over it because do you want to date someone who is delusional or just going to use you to keep the bills paid and the bed warm ready for someone else?

 

It cuts both ways for both genders. So let the unicorn hunters go find each other.

 

Personally I think the unicorns are the guys who are sound, reasonable and good fun with no hang ups... Sound familiar?

 

Funny that.

 

But those people are sometimes available into their 40's etc and there really is nothing "wrong" with them. Yes they take time to find and you encounter so strange folk along the way but ho hum, thats life for you!

[Aniela]

Yeah, I took about a year long break from online dating...came back, still see the same women, though moderately attractive...on the site. And I've already emailed them back then and thought, "Crap, why did I come back? The same picky women back then are still here."

 

And in these smaller towns, someone can't really afford not to give someone a shot...esp. when they're in their 40s. I would suggest they relocate if that's the case, otherwise, they may have to make due with whoever is available in the area.

 

 

I am now just over 40, and I can afford to not give someone a shot. I'm not going to go out with someone, or live with them, because some men now think that I'm over the hill, and should just go with whoever's available.

[Aniela]

But men do the same surely?

 

Yes, they do.

 

I've just checked OKCupid, and several men I spoke to five years ago are still there. All of them 40 or over, one still lying about his age, in the hopes of landing a much younger woman.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Aniela

[Imajerk17]

The more I think of it, the more bizarre this question seems to me.

 

I am a guy who has been on Match for several years. I met several women who are awesome but there wasn't enough to go beyond a few dates, a hookup, or dating for a month or three (either they came to that conclusion first or I did). I'd say I am attractive enough. So someone eligible who hasn't settled down despite being past some preordained age--this is hardly a gender-specific situation.

 

What am I supposed to do--the next girl I meet, say to myself 'Oh she's good enough' and get into a serious relationship that I'm not feeling that strongly about? That sounds horrible, for both myself AND the girl.

 

We're talking about someone who could be the very one person you spend the rest of your life with. You're SUPPOSED to be picky.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Imajerk17

[losangelena]

question 1: Is there something wrong with her that she just keeps remaining single?

 

question 2: Is there something wrong with a man or a woman who by their 40's still hasn't been married or had kids? Should these types be avoided?

 

I don't have the patience to read through this entire judgmental thread, so sorry if this has been brought up before, but ...

 

The direct answer to your question is that no, there is nothing inherently "wrong" with someone staying single, even later in life.

 

Is it possible that someone in their late 30s/early 40s has some kind of commitment or intimacy issues? Yeah, sure, maybe.

 

But in 2016, when women especially don't "need" to settle down or marry for any particular reason (stability, financial security, etc.), then it's just as likely that they're OK with being single, or they want to hold out for someone who really does it for them.

 

I agree with Imajerk and others who say that a potential long-term partner is worth being picky about. I myself have been in mediocre relationships, and let me tell you, I am just as happy, if not happier, being on my own. Again, there's nothing "wrong" with a single person of a certain age, and nothing wrong with someone's choice to stay single (or to change their minds and want a relationship).

[truth_seeker]

The direct answer to your question is that no, there is nothing inherently "wrong" with someone staying single, even later in life.

 

I sometimes think it's the other way around: there's something wrong with people who NEED to be in a relationship.

[losangelena]

I sometimes think it's the other way around: there's something wrong with people who NEED to be in a relationship.

 

This too, yes.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I am now just over 40, and I can afford to not give someone a shot. I'm not going to go out with someone, or live with them, because some men now think that I'm over the hill, and should just go with whoever's available.

 

Who said anything about living with them? I'm just talking about meeting up to see what they are like face-to-face as you can't tell much about a person online.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I met several women who are awesome but there wasn't enough to go beyond a few dates, a hookup, or dating for a month or three

 

Dating someone for a hook-up or a month or three wouldn't put them in the "awesome" category.

 

But I'm sure the term is contextual, like "She was 'awesome' in the sack'.", but was only good enough for a hook-up or one month fling. Then probably that's where the term would be appropriate. lol