Matthew1211 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 My Ex broke up with me almost a month ago. We were together around 2.5 years. I never expected this as she was my first love, I'm 25 and very late to the dating game. We talked about marriage and everything. Anyway, since we split I put myself on dating apps, which honestly has frustrated me just realizing I've had to be on there as I never thought I would be. A cute girl liked me on one app and based on her description she sounds amazing. I know I still have feelings for my Ex as she was my first, but if I can turn my attention to someone else I believe I'll be able to move on easier. My Ex and I didn't end negatively and we are still friends although we haven't spoken since. I have been healing and made a ton of positive changes in my life since. I'd like to talk to this girl and see where it goes but I'm afraid of it being a rebound? I don't want to hurt her as that's not fair and I'd never want that done to me. So my question is would this be considered a rebound relationship or a regular relationship? As I said dating is still very new to me, I just want to do the right thing than hurt someone in the process. Your input is appreciated, thanks! 1
kztar Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 My Ex broke up with me almost a month ago. We were together around 2.5 years. I never expected this as she was my first love, I'm 25 and very late to the dating game. We talked about marriage and everything. Anyway, since we split I put myself on dating apps, which honestly has frustrated me just realizing I've had to be on there as I never thought I would be. A cute girl liked me on one app and based on her description she sounds amazing. I know I still have feelings for my Ex as she was my first, but if I can turn my attention to someone else I believe I'll be able to move on easier. My Ex and I didn't end negatively and we are still friends although we haven't spoken since. I have been healing and made a ton of positive changes in my life since. I'd like to talk to this girl and see where it goes but I'm afraid of it being a rebound? I don't want to hurt her as that's not fair and I'd never want that done to me. So my question is would this be considered a rebound relationship or a regular relationship? As I said dating is still very new to me, I just want to do the right thing than hurt someone in the process. Your input is appreciated, thanks! So it all depends but from the description you're providing it may be a rebound. Usually the dumper doesn't rebound but rather engage in a new relationship because they've been detaching for a long time, that by the time they actually break up with you they've been long over you. You in this case you sound like the dumpee, meaning you still have feelings for your ex and you are still in the process of detaching. With that being said, as pretty as this girl is you will most likely compare her to your ex because let's face it, you still have feelings for your ex but this new person is not the ex. It may seem exciting at the beginning but eventually you'll notice something and be like "ughhh but she's missing this". It happened to me, I had a rebound guy who seemed great until I realized that this guy and I really had nothing in common and I wouldn't even see myself as his girlfriend. He's a great guy but just not for me. I completely lost interest. Then I met this other guy who if things go well, he would not be a rebound. I do not compare him to my ex, I look at all other qualities that he has that my ex lacked and all that good stuff. If I was you I would take some additional time to myself because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Also believe me, don't jump into the first girl you see out there. Date, get to know these girls and pick and choose what is best for you. You're still in the process of detaching so the first person to give you attention will give you an ego boost but with time youll realize that was all it really was. Hope this helps and whatever you do, good luck! 2
GunslingerRoland Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 You can go a decade without dating someone, start dating someone and have it crash and burn after a couple of weeks. You can also go from a decades long marriage to meeting someone within a couple of months, and have it last the rest of your life. Really the only thing that makes it a rebound, is if you aren't over the other person. If you're still in love with your GF, then any relationship you try to have, you won't be able to put your heart into. 4
Author Matthew1211 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 So it all depends but from the description you're providing it may be a rebound. Usually the dumper doesn't rebound but rather engage in a new relationship because they've been detaching for a long time, that by the time they actually break up with you they've been long over you. You in this case you sound like the dumpee, meaning you still have feelings for your ex and you are still in the process of detaching. With that being said, as pretty as this girl is you will most likely compare her to your ex because let's face it, you still have feelings for your ex but this new person is not the ex. It may seem exciting at the beginning but eventually you'll notice something and be like "ughhh but she's missing this". It happened to me, I had a rebound guy who seemed great until I realized that this guy and I really had nothing in common and I wouldn't even see myself as his girlfriend. He's a great guy but just not for me. I completely lost interest. Then I met this other guy who if things go well, he would not be a rebound. I do not compare him to my ex, I look at all other qualities that he has that my ex lacked and all that good stuff. If I was you I would take some additional time to myself because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Also believe me, don't jump into the first girl you see out there. Date, get to know these girls and pick and choose what is best for you. You're still in the process of detaching so the first person to give you attention will give you an ego boost but with time youll realize that was all it really was. Hope this helps and whatever you do, good luck! Thank you for that reply. It was very insightful. Yes I was the dumpee. Yeah my Ex parting with me caught me off guard. It kind of came out of nowhere. Granted there were times I could tell she wasn't as affectionate anymore as she wouldn't say the things she used to. When I was with her last, we are long distance now as we met in school and are from different states, she seemed great. She said she missed me after I left and stuff. But a few weeks later is when she split. And apparently she was detaching over a period of time as when we split she said it was a matter of time. I had become depressed as a lot of negativity came into my personal life and I wasn't sure how to handle it. She tried to be as supportive as she could but ultimately bailed when I was at my lowest. I drained her and I get it to an extent. I've had a few girls, who aren't attractive, reach out to me, as shallow as that may sound. The cute girl has a great description that matches with a lot of what I'm looking for, I'm just scared of reaching out too soon as like you said it may be an ego boost. I would like to think I would look for the qualities she has that my ex didn't but I've honestly never been in this situation before to know how I would act. It's a tough situation as I read up on what a rebound is, etc. I don't want her to be a rebound but she sounds like a catch. I'm just kinda torn. I am of course still healing. That will take time as you said.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 When a relationship ends there is a hole in your life & your heart due to the other person's departure. If you run out & start a new relationship simply because you don't want to be alone so you can plug up the hole with anything or anybody with little to no regard for them as a person just happy that there is someone, anyone in your life, it's a rebound. 2
smackie9 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 If you are on a dating site, just put in your profile that you are only interested in casual dating. This will clear up any confusion about expectations. 2
lolablue17 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Come on man! With that attitude you won't get anywhere. Stop being so calculative and start listening to your feelings. Do you like this girl? Go for it. I've know (and also had one) cases which started as an ONS and ended up as a a long term relationship \ marriage. Relax, do what ever you want to do and have fun! 1
Author Matthew1211 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Come on man! With that attitude you won't get anywhere. Stop being so calculative and start listening to your feelings. Do you like this girl? Go for it. I've know (and also had one) cases which started as an ONS and ended up as a a long term relationship \ marriage. Relax, do what ever you want to do and have fun! Well I don't know her yet, just see what she's like based on how she described herself on the site. She looks cute and sounds like a really good girl. I know I'm still healing as my breakup was almost a month ago. I'm just confused emotionally I guess. I appreciate what you said as you don't know til you try. In a way it is to fill the void of having someone in my life but I know I would treat them well. I just don't know how I'll be being so fresh out of a relationship, that's where the fear comes from.
Author Matthew1211 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 When a relationship ends there is a hole in your life & your heart due to the other person's departure. If you run out & start a new relationship simply because you don't want to be alone so you can plug up the hole with anything or anybody with little to no regard for them as a person just happy that there is someone, anyone in your life, it's a rebound. I personally don't think I would disregard them as a person as I'm not just looking for anyone, that would be desperate. I'm not looking for sex or anything. I'm not like that. I just happened to come across someone who sounds great. She genuinely sounds like a great girl and I think she's cute, too. My fear really is just being fresh out of a relationship.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 You seem sensitive and caring, and I see it as a positive that you want to make sure you don't hurt anyone. I would take some time for yourself to heal from the breakup. Focus on yourself - go to the gym, hang out with friends, take up a hobby you didn't have time for before. You'll create a much fuller life, build confidence and be more attractive to women. You will know when you are ready to date again, and it will feel good to get there on your own without requiring someone else to be your crutch. You are also more likely to end up in a relationship with the right person. I respect men/women more who are okay being alone and take time out to deal with their **** before hopping back into a relationship. I think many others feel the same way. 3
Author Matthew1211 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 You seem sensitive and caring, and I see it as a positive that you want to make sure you don't hurt anyone. I would take some time for yourself to heal from the breakup. Focus on yourself - go to the gym, hang out with friends, take up a hobby you didn't have time for before. You'll create a much fuller life, build confidence and be more attractive to women. You will know when you are ready to date again, and it will feel good to get there on your own without requiring someone else to be your crutch. You are also more likely to end up in a relationship with the right person. I respect men/women more who are okay being alone and take time out to deal with their **** before hopping back into a relationship. I think many others feel the same way. Thank you! I am very caring and became a lot more sensitive through my relationship. It would be stupid to say I'm more aware of people's emotions as I clearly was oblivious to my sudden anxiety/depression hurting my Ex. I do try to tend to others, especially those I love. But my emotions are very sensitive right now as my Ex broke my heart. I just don't want to hurt someone else who doesn't deserve it. I have been focusing on myself. My old hobbies were a bit toxic due to me overdoing them - I liked collecting toys and I bought a lot so often, which in a way was an addiction for a temporary fix of being happy. This bothered my Ex and my family as the toys built up and I didn't even open half of them. So I cut that hobby off 100% once my Ex broke up with me. I started losing weight and exercising as well as changed my diet. I'm feeling better physically but I still long for my Ex mentally. She was my crutch as you said. She was my main support system and I feel urges to tell her stuff so much. It really hurts as I considered her my best friend. We did everything together like a married couple. My confidence right now is very low. It has been since my depression/anxiety kicked in a year ago as we both graduated from college, me grad school, and the fact I lost my dog and haven't had one for almost 6 months and haven't been able to land a job in my field in almost a year has crushed me emotionally, which strained our relationship. So I'm finally seeing a therapist to help me tackle this, something I should've done forever ago, to get my confidence back where it was. I lost a lot of my confidence too when my Ex split with me. I have a lot of rebuilding to do and agree this will attract women again. Right now mentally I'm not prepared even though this girl I encountered sounds like a great fit for me. My friends and family said I just need to work on myself right now and they're right, I'm just stubborn. I really appreciate your input. I'm the guy who needs to be told the same thing by many people for it to click sometimes.
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