I'm fed up!

[missnaive]

I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years. We are both in our late 20s. When we met we were like Velcro. We never went anywhere without the other. Then eventually the commute back and forth was too much on both of us so after 3 months we agreed that he should move into my apartment. It may seem a little too soon but i thought about how my parents met each other and got married in 4 months time and are still together 29 years later. And because he didn't have a car or his license due to legal issues i could not bear the drive to the next city 2 and 3 times a day. At the time he shared an apartment with his brother. He paid rent there still until the lease ended a year later. Afterwards he paid half of the bills at my apartment. In the beginning of our relationship he revealed his struggle with depression and anxiety. He talked about it everyday almost. Also when we met he was sober for over a year. It all started to go bad when he started to drink again and go to the club every weekend. His personality changed and he started to disrespect me. When I told him I would tolerate his behavior he always reacted as though I was talking down to him and he would get worse. We would break up for a day or so every few months but living together never made it final.

 

So 4 personalities and endless arguments later we finally seemed to be getting better. When my lease renewal came up i asked him was he sure he wanted to be with me and in the relationship. Because if not i was going to move to GA with my family. He promised me that he was in love with me and that he was going to make a change so we can get back to where we were. So I renewed my lease and agreed to stay. Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me because he said it was my fault that he was not in love with me anymore. He threatened to move on to someone else because he didn't liked my hair or the way I dressed or that I didn't like to go to the club. This was another one of his personalities because before that didn't matter to him and he complimented me all the time. I wanted to try to fix it because I felt that deep down inside he was a great person. Because I believe in unconditional love and staying loyal in a relationship I supported him the entire time we were together. I drove him everywhere he needed to go, help him plan his life goals, and always stayed hopeful that things would get better. Nothing worked and he moved out back to his brothers house. I took it hard and felt betrayed because I changed my life plans for him and he just blew me off. I was stuck here for another year. I hated my job and I didn't want to get a new job if I was moving anyway.

 

After a few weeks I felt relived of the stress and worked on myself. I finally felt happy again. Then one day he called and told me that he's been miserable without me and he hasn't gone out or talked to anyone else. He said he was in love with me still. I was skeptical but for some reason I wanted to believe him. In the short time that we were broken up I made plans to move to GA in a few months. When I told him this he said that he finally realized that he loved me and he would move if that's what it took to keep me. After a month of observing to see if he was serious I allowed him to move back (his still has no car or license). We planned to move to GA. When his grandmother passed I drive to NY so he could attend the funeral. I met his mother and his entire family. They all were super nice and a few of them I wanted to keep in touch with afterwards. He said driving to NY was an eye opener for him and really felt I loved him to do that for him. But the pain from her death and other things led him to drink again and he started to party every chance he could and he no longer wanted to go to GA with me. So I planned to move alone. I didn't even want to consider staying again for someone who didn't seem to care about his own life let alone mine. We have even had conversations where he has showed that he no longer has dreams and aspirations. He has no motivation to do better in life like go to school, get his license back, or even get a better job. All he wants to do s play his XBOX.

 

So with 6 months left on my lease we are now stuck in an apartment together. I wanted him to move but he has no family here anymore and his friends cannot take him in. I don't want him to be homeless again so i guess he will have to move out when I do. We both know he is selfish but he claims it is because of his upbringing. We don't see eye to eye on anything and I'm just tired of the roller coaster.

 

I want him to move out or at least agree to breaking up and living together nicely until we are completely out of each other's hair. I don't mind being his friend but I can't continue to be his actual girlfriend. What should I do? Am I being insensitive to his depression? Am I being selfish?

Edited May 9, 2016 by missnaive

[Zahara]

So, once the 6 months are up -- where is he going to stay? Homeless now versus homeless 6 months from now? I'm not following.

 

I think you are an enabler. He doesn't have to grow up and take any accountability for his behavior or his actions because you keep saving him, even when he treats you badly.

 

"Because I believe in unconditional love and staying loyal in a relationship I supported him the entire time we were together."

 

When someone treats you badly and you insist on being loyal -- it has nothing to do with love.

[kidm]

I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years. We are both in our late 20s. When we met we were like Velcro. We never went anywhere without the other. Then eventually the commute back and forth was too much on both of us so after 3 months we agreed that he should move into my apartment. It may seem a little too soon but i thought about how my parents met each other and got married in 4 months time and are still together 29 years later. And because he didn't have a car or his license due to legal issues i could not bear the drive to the next city 2 and 3 times a day. At the time he shared an apartment with his brother. He paid rent there still until the lease ended a year later. Afterwards he paid half of the bills at my apartment. In the beginning of our relationship he revealed his struggle with depression and anxiety. He talked about it everyday almost. Also when we met he was sober for over a year. It all started to go bad when he started to drink again and go to the club every weekend. His personality changed and he started to disrespect me. When I told him I would tolerate his behavior he always reacted as though I was talking down to him and he would get worse. We would break up for a day or so every few months but living together never made it final.

 

So 4 personalities and endless arguments later we finally seemed to be getting better. When my lease renewal came up i asked him was he sure he wanted to be with me and in the relationship. Because if not i was going to move to GA with my family. He promised me that he was in love with me and that he was going to make a change so we can get back to where we were. So I renewed my lease and agreed to stay. Less than 3 weeks later he broke up with me because he said it was my fault that he was not in love with me anymore. He threatened to move on to someone else because he didn't liked my hair or the way I dressed or that I didn't like to go to the club. This was another one of his personalities because before that didn't matter to him and he complimented me all the time. I wanted to try to fix it because I felt that deep down inside he was a great person. Because I believe in unconditional love and staying loyal in a relationship I supported him the entire time we were together. I drove him everywhere he needed to go, help him plan his life goals, and always stayed hopeful that things would get better. Nothing worked and he moved out back to his brothers house. I took it hard and felt betrayed because I changed my life plans for him and he just blew me off. I was stuck here for another year. I hated my job and I didn't want to get a new job if I was moving anyway.

 

After a few weeks I felt relived of the stress and worked on myself. I finally felt happy again. Then one day he called and told me that he's been miserable without me and he hasn't gone out or talked to anyone else. He said he was in love with me still. I was skeptical but for some reason I wanted to believe him. In the short time that we were broken up I made plans to move to GA in a few months. When I told him this he said that he finally realized that he loved me and he would move if that's what it took to keep me. After a month of observing to see if he was serious I allowed him to move back (his still has no car or license). We planned to move to GA. When his grandmother passed I drive to NY so he could attend the funeral. I met his mother and his entire family. They all were super nice and a few of them I wanted to keep in touch with afterwards. He said driving to NY was an eye opener for him and really felt I loved him to do that for him. But the pain from her death and other things led him to drink again and he started to party every chance he could and he no longer wanted to go to GA with me. So I planned to move alone. I didn't even want to consider staying again for someone who didn't seem to care about his own life let alone mine. We have even had conversations where he has showed that he no longer has dreams and aspirations. He has no motivation to do better in life like go to school, get his license back, or even get a better job. All he wants to do s play his XBOX.

 

So with 6 months left on my lease we are now stuck in an apartment together. I wanted him to move but he has no family here anymore and his friends cannot take him in. I don't want him to be homeless again so i guess he will have to move out when I do. We both know he is selfish but he claims it is because of his upbringing. We don't see eye to eye on anything and I'm just tired of the roller coaster.

 

I want him to move out or at least agree to breaking up and living together nicely until we are completely out of each other's hair. I don't mind being his friend but I can't continue to be his actual girlfriend. What should I do? Am I being insensitive to his depression? Am I being selfish?

 

Where can't he move back in with his brother or family members in other other states (mom)? He shouldn't be your problem. Are you splitting rent and other bills 50-50?

[LD1990]

Kick his ass out. This guy has shown you his true colors multiple times - he is a loser. Legal issues, no license, no car, no place to live, drinking problems, that'd be bad enough if he was 19, the fact that he's in his late 20s and has all these problems is pathetic. As far as where he's gonna go? Who cares, maybe having a fire under his ass will be the motivation he needs to get his act together, because your method of babying him isn't working.

 

If he has been paying his share of the rent and bills, give him 30 days notice to leave. If he hasn't, I'd give him until the end of the week. He's not gonna be homeless, if worse comes to worse he can sell his Xbox and buy himself a train ticket to go live with his family.

[missnaive]

Yes, he pays half of all the bills. I planned to save most of the money he pays for his half to help fund my move to GA. I'm glad to hear other opinions. You all make really good points. Thank you!