kismetkismet Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Obviously there is no clear-cut formula and every relationship is different, but I’m wondering around what amount of time you consider to be healthy or ‘normal’? I’m 30 and my bf is 29, we’ve both been in multiple serious relationships previously, know what we want from our lives and want the same things, have 5-10 yr plans (outlines really), etc. etc. We’ve only been together 8 months and have been living together for two, but things are going almost freakishly well and we want to get married (eventually). He wants to get engaged soon and has asked me how long he should wait. Originally I said we should wait a year at least and I think that would be enough for US, but to me the wedding itself is to celebrate the relationship with the people in our lives and I want them to actually be celebrating, not scoffing. So.. what would you say is an average/healthy amount of time to wait? I'm not in a rush, but i also still want it to be exciting for us when it happens. Edited May 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
carhill Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 IMO, unless there's some overriding reason for a brief engagement, I'd shoot for an engagement in the next six months to a year and a wedding a year or so after that. Back when I did this, we got engaged about a year or so after starting to date and married about nine months after that. However, we were 41 when we got married and wanted to have children and both agreed regarding being married when having them. Hence, the engagement was fairly brief. While the M lasted only a decade, looking back, there were no surprises on my side after getting M. IOW, I didn't discover anything after getting M that I didn't know prior. Anything I willfully chose to ignore, that was on me. OTOH, my parents eloped to Yuma, AZ in the early 50's after dating for a year, got married with the JOP and were married for life. IMO go with what you feel, accept the risks and rewards and it works out like it works out. No guarantees. 2
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 How long should you date before getting married? Forever. 4
Tis Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I would go for at least a year so it won't seem so weird to people like you are marrying someone you've known less than a year. 2
CarrieT Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 A year to 18-months is generally agreed upon by scientists when the honeymoon period wears off. Best to know someone through at least all four seasons before deciding if you can handle a lifetime with them. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'd say date for at least a year to get to know someone before getting engaged. Depending on what kind of wedding you want, outside forces may dictate how long your engagement will be. Weddings are expensive; do you need time to save? Some dresses take 9 months to make. Halls & churches book up 1-2 years in advance. 1
smackie9 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I say date a year then live together for a year before figuring it out.
mikeylo Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 It depends upon each couple and their relationship. I married my wife after one year of knowing her. Still going strong after 20 years. Dragging for too long can sometimes lead to getting set in the routine and the idea of getting married becomes obsolete.So decide according to your situation. 2
smackie9 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Everyone is different in their expectations. Some people take their time and plan out their future, some are spontaneous and feel the time is right. Some will even have a set deadline, some like myself don't care and never bothered with it.
carhill Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 OP, I missed that you moved in together after six months of dating..... in that vein, living together can easily become defacto marriage, whether emotionally or via common law or both, and it's easy to never get married officially. In that instance, I'd consider, at minimum, living together to be an engagement of sorts. You're cohabiting, mingling expenses and assets and essentially living like you are married except for the license. Personally, I've never lived with anyone without being married to them but can envision that becoming the day to day normal, especially in mid-30's. Have either of you been married before? On the positive side, it appears your BF is being assertive about being married. Does that have support in his family? How do things go with them? Family tells one a lot about a person, if only their history. Since marriage is on the table, how often do your and his families get together? Marriage is a lifetime of that 2
Author kismetkismet Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 I'd say date for at least a year to get to know someone before getting engaged. Depending on what kind of wedding you want, outside forces may dictate how long your engagement will be. Weddings are expensive; do you need time to save? Some dresses take 9 months to make. Halls & churches book up 1-2 years in advance. It won't be a very fancy wedding, I'm not really a gown sort of girl and I'll probably do my own hair and makeup, get a relative to do the photography and make a lot of the decorations and invitations and stuff (i'm a graphic designer/artist) and his dad will probably take care of and organize a lot of the food because he's a retired world renowned chef. And we'll get married on my parent's property. I haven't been 'planning this day since i was a little girl' or anything so i'll be pretty easy going with the details! It will still be time consuming though most likely..
Author kismetkismet Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 OP, I missed that you moved in together after six months of dating..... in that vein, living together can easily become defacto marriage, whether emotionally or via common law or both, and it's easy to never get married officially. In that instance, I'd consider, at minimum, living together to be an engagement of sorts. You're cohabiting, mingling expenses and assets and essentially living like you are married except for the license. Personally, I've never lived with anyone without being married to them but can envision that becoming the day to day normal, especially in mid-30's. Have either of you been married before? On the positive side, it appears your BF is being assertive about being married. Does that have support in his family? How do things go with them? Family tells one a lot about a person, if only their history. Since marriage is on the table, how often do your and his families get together? Marriage is a lifetime of that Yup he is the one that is more anxious to get married than I! I think he may actually have the ring already. I definitely want to be married to him, I've just always been more concerned with the partnership and marriage than the wedding itself. I consider that part more the 'public' side of it, whereas we basically function as though we're married already. He's a huge romantic though which I love about him. Our families are super supportive of it, and they all pretty much already know we're going to get married. we are both really close with our families and with each others' families. We spend full weekends with them on a regular basis and I adore them! Our families are already acquainted/friends as well.
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 My parents moved in together / got married 5 months after meeting; over 40 years on, they still only have eyes for each other. My brother was engaged to my now-SIL for 4 years before they got married (they'd known each other a while before that). Been with my SO for over a year, living together less than a month, I've never married and don't intend to. Bottom line - there are no rules or guarantees so do what's right for you both, whenever you both feel like it. 2
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I dated my ex-husband for 3 years before we got married. The first year of our marriage I knew I had made a mistake. Even though we had dated for 3 years we had never lived together, which was a huge mistake. If you live together a full year without ripping each others head off , you're good to go. Also, you are 30, not 18. You're not new at life and relationship. 1
GR4 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 What's the rush? Do you really need to get married? Just think, what actually changes when you marry someone? Absolutely nothing. All you're doing by getting married is signing a bit of paper and paying through the nose for the privilege. Plus when you decide you can't stand the sight of each other (a statistical probability) you'll pay through the nose yet again getting a divorce. If things are great as they are now save the hassle, save the grief and save the money and enjoy yourself with it.
Author kismetkismet Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 If you live together a full year without ripping each others head off , you're good to go. Also, you are 30, not 18. You're not new at life and relationship. hahahah, love it
abby_tx Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 IMO, unless there's some overriding reason for a brief engagement, I'd shoot for an engagement in the next six months to a year and a wedding a year or so after that. Back when I did this, we got engaged about a year or so after starting to date and married about nine months after that. However, we were 41 when we got married and wanted to have children and both agreed regarding being married when having them. Hence, the engagement was fairly brief. While the M lasted only a decade, looking back, there were no surprises on my side after getting M. IOW, I didn't discover anything after getting M that I didn't know prior. Anything I willfully chose to ignore, that was on me. OTOH, my parents eloped to Yuma, AZ in the early 50's after dating for a year, got married with the JOP and were married for life. IMO go with what you feel, accept the risks and rewards and it works out like it works out. No guarantees. You both were 41 when you married and were not in a rush? How did you manage not to go full speed ahead knowing you wanted kids? Don't get me wrong. I think this is awesome. I'm just surprised at the patience.
todreaminblue Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 considering that i am celibate till marriage....i am not wanting to drag out dating and engagement all that long...if i find the right guy we have the same core values and beliefs .....the purpose of dating is marriage...i only plan to marry once......so it really doesnt need me to be waiting for a year it really does depend on the couple and what feels natural..... living together personally in my own experience prolongs and sometimes diminishes the getting married part and i wont live with my future bf before hand....and i dont want to be celibate for seven years or even two years while dating either...it would send me insane and....jittery..deb
carhill Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 You both were 41 when you married and were not in a rush? How did you manage not to go full speed ahead knowing you wanted kids? Don't get me wrong. I think this is awesome. I'm just surprised at the patience. Actually, we were pretty well matched. I had a substantial amount of negative experiences, though had never been married, so was careful. My exW had been married twice and professed to want to be similar so, if going by disclosures, we were well-matched in that regard. That was balanced by an expressed desire to have children within a marriage. Had children not been on the menu, I doubt we would have gotten married in the timeframe we did, rather had more of a long-term association. At my age now, the latter would likely be the path. No reason to get married and I kinda like my space. If the OP and her BF match up similarly, whatever their desires and parameters are, then that addresses one aspect of compatibility. It appears the OP is more reticent, currently, and her BF is more gung-ho about the marriage thing. My bet is they'll find a middle ground and work through it. So far, everything I've read indicates that. 1
Phoenician Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Did you make sure that you are compatible ? Are you sharing the same bed ? did you know each other deep fantasies . have you been together when he was drunk talking nonsense and have you farted in his face ... are financial issues well defined , If you have done all things up and still love him ; no harm , get engaged tommorow... 1
Popsicle Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I think it's fine to get engaged now and get married in a year.
salparadise Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 At the point when you realize that enduring love, respect and reliability are established, and before the infatuation fades. Based on my experience that would mean engagement in ten to fifteen months, marriage within six months or so after that. I would go for it while enthusiasm and intrigue are still quite high. I think enough information will be known at one year to understand a person's character and compatibility. Waiting much longer doesn't buy you a guarantee. 2
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