Taurus1358 Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Anyone who has read this post lately knows my situation, more or less, I need to direct this question to any ladies who can answer, men will not be able to give me a response because I can't find a reason. This morning on my way to work I crossed paths with my ex-wife again ( last time was 1 1/2 weeks ago ) this time my car and hers were side to side, I looked at her, wave at her and she didn't even move, her face was fixed straight forward, not a single eye movement, nothing. For those who don't know, we were married 17 years and have been divorced for 16 months now. I have decided to let go, no more hoping to get back, no more day dreaming or any attempts of anything. Ladies, if we separated amicably, why this attitude?, my son said that she hasn't dated anyone since we separated and she hasn't even been going out at all. I thought that we could be friends, after all 17 years is a big chunk of anyone's life
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 men will not be able to give me a response because I can't find a reason. The wisdom of all manhood, encapsulated in one small body
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Ladies, if we separated amicably, why this attitude? Maybe its not attitude so much as indifference. It wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility that she simply doesn't want to be friends with you. Sometimes people can be married decades and not realize until after the divorce that besides loving their partner, they never really liked them - and had they not married them, they probably wouldn't be friends either. It could be that your wife loved you, but didn't genuinely like you toward the end - and once the marriage context was gone, there would be no reason to fake 'friends' where genuine friendship didn't exist by the time the divorce was final.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia besides loving their partner, they never really liked them - and had they not married them, they probably wouldn't be friends either. It could be that your wife loved you, but didn't genuinely like you toward the end Wanna expand on this a little, Lucrezia? For me "love" implies a certain degree of "like" too...
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Lucrezia; Thank you for the reply, but, how can you love someone that you can't be friends with? All communication channels would be non-existant, trust would be a foreign concept, respect, attraction. Please, clarifiy your statement because I am at a loss with your reply. We were friends, by the way, very, very good friends, lovers, partners, people use to be amazed at how well we got along. To the ones with the cute emoticons
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 how can you love someone that you can't be friends with? Exactly. To the ones with the cute emoticons
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Romeo; I feel I have to explain, we men have a way of seing things and take them at face value, women, on the other hand, are creatures so incredibly complex that no man can say that he can understand them. When I presented the same question to my male friends none of them could make heads or tails about this. I have decided to move on, as a matter of fact I am having a relationship with a lady 15 years younger than me, but, I love the woman, truly, honestly and deeply. Regardless of getting back together or not I would like to see what the rest of the ladies that read this post have to say about it.
Lil Honey Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I'm not sure how LB will answer your question, but I, too, think it's possible to love someone but not like them. How can I put it into words? ARGH! Loving someone comes from the heart. Liking someone comes from the brain. You can love someone, but not like their behavior. I have been divorced for a year from a 24 year marriage. The day that I told my husband that I wanted a divorce, I told him that I will always love him. I believe that is true. I vowed once to always love him, but my love has changed. He is more like a brother to me. BUT, I don't like a lot of the things that he does. Don't get me wrong . . . he's a nice guy, but there are things that he just doesn't "get" no matter how I word it or how many times I word it. Taurus: It's possible that she doesn't want to be friends with you. It's possible that being friends is difficult for her. She might think that being friends is your way of staying in her life.
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 LilHoney; Maybe, maybe she thinks that by keeping a friendship I will be part of her life, however, how can I not be?, mind this, years before our ordeal we were having a conversation at a friend's house, the topic was the possibility of being friends after a break up, our friend and herself thought that I was a caveman because I told them that it was not possible, she looked at me and said " well, if we divorce in the future I see no reason not to keep you as a friend", I looked at her and just said " time will tell ". Prophetic words it seems!!! I understand that she may not want a friendship, what puzzles me is the fact that she didn't even acknowledge that I was next to her, her eyes were faced forward, she looked tense, like a statue. People move inside their cars, look around, she looked like part of the car's body
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 as a matter of fact I am having a relationship with a lady 15 years younger than me, but, I love the woman, truly, honestly and deeply. Does the ex know about this? Women can be very sensitive about being replaced by a younger model...
quankanne Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I would imagine that divorce, just like when any other relationship dissolves, carries a lot of anger, resentment and hurt no matter how amicable the parting was. It's said that the opposite of love is hate, but to hate someone is to imply that a relationship is still there; apathy would be a more apt opposite of love, because nothing is there. my guess is that she's angry about the divorce, regardless of who initiated it or how she proposed that you'd still be friends. After all, you were together a very, very long time and y'all put in lot of energy into that marriage ...
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 Lucrezia; Thank you for the reply, but, how can you love someone that you can't be friends with? All communication channels would be non-existant, trust would be a foreign concept, respect, attraction. Please, clarifiy your statement because I am at a loss with your reply. We were friends, by the way, very, very good friends, lovers, partners, people use to be amazed at how well we got along. Maybe her love and like for you only extended as far as your context as a husband, and did not extend to you as a person outside of that context. It could be that you love her as the wife she was to you, and the person she is to you outside of that context. That doesn't mean that she feels the same way - her like for you as a person could have evolved only from within your context as a husband. As her emotional investment in you as a husband began dropping, the like and friendship that was an outgrowth of that investment dropped too. What she was left with was the type of love you feel as part of your obligation to the relationship - you love someone simply because you know you are supposed to because of the relationship that defines you. It doesn't mean you like them as a person outside of that relationship. By the time you divorced, it could be that the only thing she was left with was that obligation and once that was gone, there was no friendship or 'like' left in the aftermath. So many people are baffled to see someone go cold and distant on them after the fact - but what you are seeing is the end product of a relationship and closeness with them that existed for them only contextually. Remove the context, and you are left with someone who is a stranger to you. Someone who looks through you or away from you when you wave and smile...
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia So many people are baffled to see someone go cold and distant on them after the fact - but what you are seeing is the end product of a relationship and closeness with them that existed for them only contextually. Remove the context, and you are left with someone who is a stranger to you. Someone who looks through you or away from you when you wave and smile... Depressing. Doesn't that mean that the relationship was unhealthy though? If it's functional, not personal, that's more like a working relationship. And even ex-bosses, I say hello when our paths cross...
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Lucrezia; You might be right, however, after we departed from each other we communicated very well for over 4 months. This attitude of total and absolute denial of my existence happened all of the sudden and after that period of time. I accept that hate is the opposite of love, but there is a very fine line that divides both emotions, indiference is a total lack of emotion for anyone or anything but, when someone is indifferent to you there is no need to ignore if you are greeted a casual nod or a simple "hi" will suffice, this morning my ex looked like made out of stone, not even a blink, for a second I believe that I was looking at a cardboard image of herself
miss-gonewest Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 This morning on my way to work I crossed paths with my ex-wife again ( last time was 1 1/2 weeks ago ) this time my car and hers were side to side, I looked at her, wave at her and she didn't even move, her face was fixed straight forward, not a single eye movement, nothing. Ladies, if we separated amicably, why this attitude?, my son said that she hasn't dated anyone since we separated and she hasn't even been going out at all. I thought that we could be friends, after all 17 years is a big chunk of anyone's life Taurus, are you sure she saw you? I've been standing right next to people, lost in a world of my own, not wearing my glasses... and I wouldn't have noticed if the easter bunny was standing next to me! And esp first thing in the morning, I am still half asleep! And I too believe that you can love someone, but not like them.... I was sooo in love with a chap a few years ago - I would have done anything for him, but I didn't like him as a person, or how he sometimes treated me. I know that sounds so stupid - why love someone that you don't like? But it was true... I guess if I saw him now, I'd still get weak at the knees! As someone else said, maybe she too is a little resentful of the new woman in your life... especially if she's a spring chicken! I'd be a bit miffed - regardless of how things ended. But that feeling too will pass... maybe just give your ex some time. I know its hurtful and hard for you to watch and to understand, but your ex is probably still processing her own feelings to all this. On top of that, not to pry, but perhaps she is going through some hormonal changes...? I don't know how old she is, but that can really affect a woman too. Let us know the outcome... take care.
Rosalind Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Taurus1358 I need to direct this question to any ladies who can answer Hi Taurus!...I'm a lady. But before I can give you any kind of response, I'd like if you would please answer the other poster's question.... Does your ex know that : "I have decided to move on, as a matter of fact I am having a relationship with a lady 15 years younger than me, but, I love the woman, truly, honestly and deeply." Well?
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Rosalind Hi Taurus!...I'm a lady. But before I can give you any kind of response, I'd like if you would please answer the other poster's question.... Does your ex know that : "I have decided to move on, as a matter of fact I am having a relationship with a lady 15 years younger than me, but, I love the woman, truly, honestly and deeply." See? We guys *can* ask relevant questions sometimes
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Miss Gonewest & Rosalind; Thank you for replying, in response to both your questions, I am certain that she saw me, what surprises me is the way she handled it, I wouldn't have a problem in greeting her if we meet by accident. As far as loving someone without liking them, this concept is totally alien to me, in order to love someone you must like everything on that person providing that the good outweights the bad, I can imagine being with someone who can't maintain a conversation or that stops me from being myself for fearing a scene or an outburst of any kind, much less someone who doesn't treat me right. I don't know for sure if my ex knows about the younger woman, I was the first one surprised at the fact that this new lady showed interest in me, a much older man but I have noticed that, lately, young women have been showing some interest in me, one is 24 and gave me her number, another one is 23 and wants to go out dancing with me, yesterday I was having coffee and met a third lady who sat next to me and started a conversation, I left with a phone number and the age, 27. I am 47 years young, don't look my age because I have been exercising 5 times a week for the last 17 years and that is the real fountain of youth. My ex is 48. I have decided to move on because I feel that there is no chance for me to express to my ex what I feel for her, to show her how much I regret what happen and the fact that I would do anything in my power to correct the errors, since there is NC, and no sign of it I have to go on with my life and see this as a beautiful experience that didn't work quite as expected
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Just a quick update to those who responded to this post: I just found out that my ex requested that her Yahoo personal profile is not allowed to be seen by me, no e mails or messages can be forwarded if they come from me. I didn't know that she felt so much hatred for me, I would have never done anything to eliminate her so drastically from my life. Oh, well, life goes on!!!
Rosalind Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Hey Taurus....thanks for answering the question, and being honest...quite a bit more than just a 15 year age-gap, huh? Okay, two things : 1) - If I ignored you, it's because I no longer like you as a person, and I have no desire to be friends with you. 2) - If you're dating a 23 year girl, who is 25 years my junior, I would view you as a disgusting pig-dog. But that's just me...and hey! you asked remember
Author Taurus1358 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 Rosalind; Thank you for your sincerity but the fact is that this girl is divorced, has a daughter and told me her real age way after we starting seing each other, I thought she was 34, besides I mean it when I say that no one, absolutely no one can guess my real age, as a matter of fact most of the times I have to show my Driver's license for people to believe me. I wish that I could find someone more according to my age group but, for reasons that I can't explain, it doesn't happen, the ones I have met have been too weird to deal with. As far as my ex I decided not to even try, to go to the extremes she has gone in order to avoid me shows that she has not gotten over it as yet, we live 3 blocks away from each other, so, chances are we will meet more often than she or I would want. In reference to the pig comment, it is your opinion and I respect it, but you should go out a bit more, you will be surprised, by the way, this girl is not 25 that was a typo, she is 28. I honestly wish that I would have never done what I did to end up my marriage but there is nothing I can do but to learn from it and not make the same mistake ever again, I would have neverimagined that my ex could carry so much anger, hatred and resentment, I was wrong. It takes two people to break a relationship, I don't remember whatever she could have done
darhma Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 She blams you for the divorce and has alot of anger about it. Simple as that. In her mind why would she want to be friends with you when you destroyed your marraige. Not saying she is right...just that this is how she feels.
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