sunking101 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 This is a strange one as most single fathers have trouble with the mother of their child being very inconsiderate to their feelings & needs. With my girlfriend it seems to be quite the opposite. She is exceptionally considerate and unselfish towards him, arguably more so than she is towards me and it bothers me a bit. They both made a child and I of course understand that he'll be a fixture in her life for years, however the consideration she shows him bothers me. I get that my girlfriend wants her son's father to be a big part of his life and for that she is to be commended, but certain things niggle and I wonder if I'm being out of order feeling this way? For instance, she allows her ex to come over to her house midweek to spend time with his son and read him a bedtime story whilst putting him to bed. I have always found this a bit strange but have kinda gone along with it. However, he used to come over and do this on a Wednesday evening and I used to see my girlfiend on Tuesday evenings and at the weekend. She asked me last week if she should ask her ex to come on Tuesdays or Thursdays instead, allowing us to have a proper 'midweek' get together and space our meetings out more evenly. Anyway, she asked him and he said no. Apparently Wednesdays fit in better with his social life. My girlfriend accepted this without question and got quite narky with me when I questioned her allowing her ex to call the shots. In my mind he should be grateful that she allows him into her house at all, let alone on any evening of *his* choice. Shouldn't my girlfriend be more concerned with her present relationship and not keeping her ex sweet? It isn't like he even pays her much money! She lets him off where maintenance is concerned too. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't want him back so that isn't the reason she seems to go out of her way to keep him sweet, it all seems to be fuelled by her wanting to allow him access to his child. I just question why she allows him to essentially dictate when I get to see my girlfriend.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I just question why she allows him to essentially dictate when I get to see my girlfriend. You aren't a parent. Your GF & the child's father have a system that works & is what is best for the child. The child's best interest has to be everyone's primary concern. It's in the child's interest to have both parents involved in the child's life. Your GF asked if the timing could be changed. When the baby daddy said no, she didn't start world war three just for you because that is not in the child's best interests. If you can't understand that the kid always comes 1st, don't date a woman with kids. 5
Author sunking101 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 You aren't a parent. Your GF & the child's father have a system that works & is what is best for the child. The child's best interest has to be everyone's primary concern. It's in the child's interest to have both parents involved in the child's life. Your GF asked if the timing could be changed. When the baby daddy said no, she didn't start world war three just for you because that is not in the child's best interests. If you can't understand that the kid always comes 1st, don't date a woman with kids. I do understand that the child comes first, believe me, and I have no problem with it. My question was her ex seemingly coming first. Whether he comes to visit on Tues, Weds or Thurs doesn't affect the child in the slightest and I was merely asking if I'm wrong to feel like she considers what's best for her ex too much? It's what fits best for him when I think she should hold the balance of power when it comes to decisions about when he visits.
sandylee1 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 QUOTE=sunking101;6897728]I do understand that the child comes first, believe me, and I have no problem with it. My question was her ex seemingly coming first. Whether he comes to visit on Tues, Weds or Thurs doesn't affect the child in the slightest and I was merely asking if I'm wrong to feel like she considers what's best for her ex too much? It's what fits best for him when I think she should hold the balance of power when it comes to decisions about when he visits. If he can't make it on Tuesday or Thursday.. and she tells him he can't come on Wednesdays. ... who misses out? Her son. That's who she's thinking about first and foremost. Not him or herself or you...... but she's making her son the top priority. This is the girl with lots of guy friends and who tends to be friendly with lots of exes though. Just keep yourself busy on Wednesdays. Don't let your life revolve around her and maintain a healthy social life outside of your relationship with her. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I do understand that the child comes first, believe me, and I have no problem with it. My question was her ex seemingly coming first. Whether he comes to visit on Tues, Weds or Thurs doesn't affect the child in the slightest and I was merely asking if I'm wrong to feel like she considers what's best for her ex too much? It's what fits best for him when I think she should hold the balance of power when it comes to decisions about when he visits. Yes you are wrong. While another arrangement would be better for you when her EX said no to rescheduling you took that as her putting the EX over you. She wasn't She was declining to get into a fight about it. She asked. He said no. To please you she is not obligated to start a fight with him because fighting & tension would be bad for the kid. 3
Author sunking101 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Yes you are wrong. While another arrangement would be better for you when her EX said no to rescheduling you took that as her putting the EX over you. She wasn't She was declining to get into a fight about it. She asked. He said no. To please you she is not obligated to start a fight with him because fighting & tension would be bad for the kid. That's a fair point. I wasn't making a big song and dance about it, I just know a fair few single dads who don't figure at all in their ex's considerations and they have to fight tooth & nail to be able to see their kids at all. I guess I've just never known a situation like this where the unmarried father is treated so amazingly well.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 So think of it as a blessing. Your GF is classy person who treats even her worst enemy with kindness 5
Author sunking101 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 So think of it as a blessing. Your GF is classy person who treats even her worst enemy with kindness They still get along really well, he isn't her worst enemy at all. I must admit that how she treats him does impress me but it also opposes how she treats me at times (not in this instance). My opinions hold scant consideration and she rarely explains any relationship decision she's made, I am always informed of the mere basics and in a 'take it or leave it' fashion.
Raena Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 They still get along really well, he isn't her worst enemy at all. I must admit that how she treats him does impress me but it also opposes how she treats me at times (not in this instance). My opinions hold scant consideration and she rarely explains any relationship decision she's made, I am always informed of the mere basics and in a 'take it or leave it' fashion. What do you mean by relationship decision? I don't understand. Do you feel like she isn't paying you enough attention or isn't considering your needs? Do your needs conflict with the needs of the child? Dating a single mother is difficult and if you are going to be involved with her, you'll have to be flexible, trusting and understanding. 2
sandylee1 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 They still get along really well, he isn't her worst enemy at all. I must admit that how she treats him does impress me but it also opposes how she treats me at times (not in this instance). My opinions hold scant consideration and she rarely explains any relationship decision she's made, I am always informed of the mere basics and in a 'take it or leave it' fashion. You've made a few threads about your GF and it's clear that you're more into her, than she is into you. It doesn't come over as a happy relationship for the most part. She has lots of guy friends .... hangs out with them one on one.....doesn't care how you feel about it....... yet you don't think you can get better so you accept it......but deep down you aren't thrilled about it. This R will end when she's done with you. Nothing will change in your relationship .... as hurtful and difficult as it is to hear.... she doesn't really seem to have a lot of respect or consideration for you. It does come over as being one sided to a large degree. Having said all that... in this situation... she just doesn't want to cause any drama and is thinking of her son. You are very low /at the bottom of her list.... which is why I said you should have an active social life, so that when the relationship ends..... you'll have friends there for you and won't be all alone. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Sounds like Father of the Year is a not really a father at all. I guess everyone should feel SO grateful that he ekes out an hour or two of his OH SO PRECIOUS time on Wednesday nights to spend an hour or two with his kid. And your girlfriend is willing to bend over backwards for this ass because she knows one wrong move and this loser will quit coming altogether. What a pitiful situation. I hope she's got a good child support order in place. That's about all he's worth. 1
iServe Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Your relationship is being tested for sure. In the long run where do you see this relationship going? Here are some questions to consider as you process your concerns and feelings, and determine the destination of your relationship long term. What are the issues in the relationship that must be resolved to conduct a healthy relationship? What is the relationship being built on? What are the boundaries in the relationship? What are the challenges that must be faced in the relationship? How will you face them with her? I don’t have an easy answer, and your struggles are real, and worth facing. Please consider sharing your heart concerns with her as you feel led.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Probably best to find a woman with no kids....You aint winning this... TFY 1
pteromom Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 For instance, she allows her ex to come over to her house midweek to spend time with his son and read him a bedtime story whilst putting him to bed. I love this. It shows she is a good mom. It's good for her CHILD to allow this. Nothing to do with the ex (unless she is hanging out with him after the bedtime story.) She is going to treat him kindly. 1 - it is for her child 2 - it costs her nothing to be kind to him, as he doesn't have any bearing on her day-to-day life (other than where their lives intersect for co-parenting.) It's like being nice to a person on a subway. Costs you nothing. There is very little risk, and no emotional energy necessary to do it. Being in a RELATIONSHIP is different. There are arguments and issues. You impact each other's lives in a big way. So sometimes you can't just put on a smile and be sweet to each other because you are working through things. The fact that she can be nicer to him doesn't mean anything. 1
Tayla Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 op? What does the court order say? How well do you get along with the child? With the child's' father? I am not going to glorify this lady, something is off about this arrangement. Unless the courts ordered supervised visits, this really isn't about the child.
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