mrgrum Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Met a girl back in November. There was this instant attraction/connection/bond whatever you want to call it. We spoke daily and met at least weekly... she said she felt so comfortable around me and that we could talk about anything.... our dates were always fun filled and amazing and I started to fall for her. One day she rang me up saying she was upset, her ex had called her wanting to know who she was seeing etc.... she became a bit distant after that. Anyway a few days later, she said she thought it best we just be friends... work commitments etc. I said I thought it was due to the ex really and she agreed saying she still had feelings for him. I had always played it quite cool, never telling her how much I liked her or I was falling for her. I asked if I could meet with her to get something I had left at hers and she said we could get a coffee. Anyway on the day I was supposed to meet her, she said to go to hers instead and we could get a takeaway (this is where the mixed signals began) I went and she made a move on me. I blew her off and told her the next day how I felt about her... she ended saying if it's meant to be it will be and she will regret her decision. She then proceeds for the next few weeks to send me Snapchats, messages me every few days. I asked if she wanted to go for a drink which turned into me spending the night with her. We messaged for a few days after and then she went silent. A few days later and she strikes up conversation again. At this point, I think she is confused and doesn't know what she wants... I met her 2 weeks ago and she was asking about my dating life and she said she had cut all men out of her life, she then becomes very touchy feely and flirty with me... once again mixed signals. She messaged me last week on a Saturday night when she was out drinking to see if I was out as well. I wasn't- I was in bed. We messaged most of Sunday. On Monday, she changes her relationship status on Facebook to in a relationship. I text her and she replied yeah, just a guy she has been seeing. I didn't reply. Part of me didn't want to believe it, it just didn't make sense. Anyway later on in the week, I messaged her saying how I felt and that there were mixed signals... she sort of agreed in text that she had been sending them. We met the day after just so I could get closure... The bond/connection was still there and it was strong. We ended up speaking for over 4 hours... she said she had met him the other week and it just went from there. She also became very flirty and brought up stuff we did on our dates and our sex life.... Anyway, I left with a bit of closure - I'm moving on, I have dates lined up and my head is a lot clearer.... these mixed signals went on for nearly 3 months. I still care for her, I just want her to be happy whether that is with or without me but I just get the feeling that this is just a chapter finished in the book. The bit I don't get, if she still has feeling for the ex and that is the reason for ending things with me, how could she move on so quickly and publicly define her relationship with someone she only met the other week? Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 She either really likes the thrill of the chase or more probably she simply hates being single so she jumps from relationship to relationship. The EX, you, this new guy. Who she dates is not as important to her screwed up psyche as the fact that she has a BF. Although you don't think this is over -- because you don't want to believe that -- for your sake I hope it is. This is not a stable person. Leave her be. 1
sowhynot Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 She sounds like a complete waste of time to me. As flaky as a flaky thing that has bits flaking off it. Go find someone whose a bit more sane. 1
Author mrgrum Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Yeah, I know I need to move on for my own sanity... the thing is she really is a good person and I have never fallen for someone so hard so quickly. When we met the other day she brought up she had been in abusive relationships before. I never have or ever will be like that with someone. Just a complete head**** really!! But I do really want her in my life! 1
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Why do you want her in your life? She doesn't have her head on straight. The past abuses probably did a number on her. She may not have the capacity to love in a healthy manner. Where does that leave you? 1
Zahara Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 The bit I don't get, if she still has feeling for the ex and that is the reason for ending things with me, how could she move on so quickly and publicly define her relationship with someone she only met the other week? This isn't about her feelings -- more so her need to attach to someone because she cannot be alone. For as long as she has options, she'll keep bouncing until one sticks. This new guy has stuck and she's moved on to him to fill whatever void her ex left. It's probably not the end because she'll likely swing around again when she needs a soft spot to land. 2
sowhynot Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 But I do really want her in my life! It'll end in tears - yours, my friend. 1
Satu Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 She's emotionally chaotic. Not sorted out enough for a real relationship.
bummer Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 It isn't the end, but the rest of the journey will likely be rough. Let her bounce her flaky self from rebound to rebound, keep distance and see if she recovers in a few years. By then, you'll find someone stable. Why are the best ones the abused confused and lost girls we meet? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Why are the best ones the abused confused and lost girls we meet? They aren't the best ones. The problem lies with the people who think they are. If you want a fixer-upper buy a broken down house or a used car. Do not try to fix the other person in a relationship. They both need to come into the union from a healthy place or it won't work.
gimlynick Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 It isn't the end, but the rest of the journey will likely be rough. Let her bounce her flaky self from rebound to rebound, keep distance and see if she recovers in a few years. By then, you'll find someone stable. Why are the best ones the abused confused and lost girls we meet? I think some guys, like us, are attracted to the fact that we can be that guy who can change the girl. And we do change them, a little bit. But once they feel like the big love is over, they move on, desperately hoping that there is someone else who can cure them. Those girls all have GIG's, and they all think that the next boyfriend will be their knight on a white horse.
Author mrgrum Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 I think some guys, like us, are attracted to the fact that we can be that guy who can change the girl. And we do change them, a little bit. But once they feel like the big love is over, they move on, desperately hoping that there is someone else who can cure them. For me, it's not about changing her, I only found this out about her the last time we met, having said that, looking back she did broadly hint about it when we dated. Looking through all your posts, I can sort of understand her behaviour now. I was at a loss as to what I had done wrong.... I thought hard about it and know that I treated her well, the time we spent together was enjoyable and I know she had a good time with me. And when she ended things, she left it open ended almost (I know - the back up) but thought once she had got her emotions over her ex sorted things would work themselves out. We went out the other week for a drink and she was saying that there are no men in her life and was quite flirty... one week later in a fb official relationship with someone she had only met 2 weeks earlier... I mean, now I can see with what she said the ex put her through, that she self esteem issues and she needs to work on them. I'm not a therapist and I have no intention of becoming one. As I said I am dating other people, I will move on but if I'm being honest, the connection I had with her is unlike anything I have experienced before. I don't know how to describe it!
Author mrgrum Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 So, after I met her... I had a feeling it wasn't over. I know she is keeping tabs on me, watching me online. She has posted pictures with the new guy saying how happy she is etc (putting stuff to get a reaction) I haven't bit but I also think they are aimed more towards the ex. I posted something on facebook the other week about goals that I have been working towards for months are coming together etc and it was quote an inspiring post - it got a lot of attention. My friend text me saying she had posted something very similar minutes later - almost like a jealous reaction. Part of me wants to just cut her out - forget about her - this has been going on too long and it hurts too much - but I also have this gut feeling she is regretting her decision and I am tempted to reach out to her. She has messaged me once or twice, asking for my opinion on stuff and I have replied but it became quite flirty with our little jokes and stuff mentioned.
keiji Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Then why doesn't she make a firm move and ask you to get back together? Wouldn't that be the reasonable course of action? I think you're reading way too much into trifles. 1
Author mrgrum Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 Then why doesn't she make a firm move and ask you to get back together? Wouldn't that be the reasonable course of action? I think you're reading way too much into trifles. Yeah, I know that! I do over think things a lot..... but it all just doesn't make sense! Why would she want to meet up with me at night 2 days before becoming officially in a relationship! Why would she reminisce about our dates, why would she still flirt with me! If the roles were reversed, and I was truly in a happy relationship- I wouldn't do that!
privategal Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 She's dating other people. It is hard not to hold onto hope but it delays healing and wont allow you to move forward. If you want to look desperate, keep reaching out but she gave you closure and you just dont want to believe its done. Have you even read the nc guide? Your keeping yourself stuck. If she wanted you she would have said so. Shes moving on and you need to accept that its over. Stop chasing her...it makes her head so big that you are stroking her ego by continuing contact. Stop and have self respect.
LostOnes05 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 She's not a healthy, stable woman. From your posts it seems like she craves attention, drama, and playing with people. Cut contact with her...for your own good.
hoping2heal Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 You say you have a feeling its not over yet. You may well be right. Things were not over yet with her ex either, and that put the skids on things for the two of you. There seems to be a repeated pattern here where she weaves in and out of relationships that she's never truly in OR out of. You later say she's a great person. Perhaps so, but not in the relationship department at this time. For that reason, she's going to bring you only heartache and dissapointment.
Beckywiththegoodhair Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 It kind of sounds like you think there's a connection only because she's not showing you all of the signals you would have wanted from her by now. If I were you, I'd completely stay clear. Do you really want to start a real relationship with someone who's clearly flighty and has no idea what she wants? You seem like a decent level-headed person, don't let someone like this change it.
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