My Break Up

[lincolnx]

I'm 28M and my ex is 29F.

 

We've been in the same circle of friends since we were in college. We eventually lost contact for years and worked our jobs in separate areas. She moved back into the city about a year ago. We met at a mutual party and hit it off. Been inseparable, in love, and it was perfect. We hardly ever argued and when we had disagreements. We were mature and admit our wrongs.

 

Eventually things were going too good. I was good to her. First time in my life I've ever been good to someone. I always dated around brought new girls into the same circle and had them leave. Nope not this one. I treated her like my queen. Surprised her constantly and never stopped loving her.

 

About 4 months ago. She was a victim of a sexual crime while walking home. As her boyfriend I took her in. I tried my best to cheer her up. So we decided to live together at my home.

 

As we lived together. I was the happiest man alive. I saw myself actually being able to give my love to this woman for the rest of my life. We laughed, cooked dinner, and every night was special. We made each other forget the problems of our worlds. However, I eventually shut my emotions out. The crime that happened to her affected me as well. I thought I was doing my best not to cause her any more stress. I decided to stop talking to her about my problems (when we started dating. I expressed every emotion, feeling, problems I had).

 

The break up. One weekend. We binged on drugs and alcohol. Now it's rare when I do drugs and when I binged my brain was on a fritz the morning after. I remember this day for the rest of my life. It was 7 am and something woke me up. I woke up and all the anger, sexual frustration (cause I haven't had sex with her since her incident), hate at the world, came gushing out. My come down off of drugs was real. I had no reason for it.

 

I came back home after work. No chance to apologize. She packed up her stuff and left.

 

A week later, we eventually talked. (She is a very independent girl. Very sensitive to things and she has always been raised to do things on her own.) When I came into her life. She said she lost her independence. I was too nice. She always felt she owed me something because I always provided with gifts, paid for stuff and treated her so nicely (I responded it was because she deserved them and she provided me the ability to love her). She said she never wanted a serious relationship but she had one with me. I told her how sorry I was and that I didn't mean anything I said. I told her I rarely do drugs and my emotions were off the roof. She asked me about why I closed her off emotionally. I told her what I said above and how I was just trying to protect her and not bombard her with my problems. She said she can't find a way to forgive me but she will in time and it's best we don't talk.

 

I am overwhelmed with guilt, I am overwhelmed with depression how I just threw the best damn thing I had in my life away. I want to start breathing again and living. I feel like a monster, as I should and I can't forgive myself; the things I said replays constantly in my mind. Obviously I want her back but I would rather have her be happy. And if I can't make her happy then I don't deserve to be in her life. The guilt is sickening me. Can someone give me advice on dealing with this guilt of knowing the break up was my fault? I've been in grief for almost 3 weeks. I cry every morning and every night (I hardly ever cry over something.) But I just lost a friend and a lover.

 

I am in my own home that doesn't feel like home anymore. I am guilty and I am just in utter depression. Any advice?

 

I am handling this break up maturely. I am giving her space. Not contacting her and just trying to deal with this problem on my own.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[d0nnivain]

1. Stop doing drugs.

 

 

2. don't think that you can love somebody through a sexual assault. Crime victims need honest to goodness therapy from licensed professionals not just love from well meaning friends & family. Yes that support helps but it's more than you can handle. The fact that you were walking on egg shells should have been your 1st clue that she needed more.

 

 

3. Understand that as the support person for a victim you needed professional help to get through it too. The entire time you were suppressing your emotions & your physical needs, it was all going to eventually explode eventually & it did

 

 

4. Accept that this happened & it's one of those things that is so awful & dramatic that there is no coming back from it. Apologize if you like but don't think it will fix anything or heal the rift.

 

 

5. Realize that since the attack she's too broken to move forward. She should have been helping herself through a support group & therapy. She didn't. But until she does, she is stuck too & you can't fix it.

 

 

6. For now, rearrange your living space to remove reminders of her. It will help with your healing.

[B345T]

I agree don't do drugs and limit the drinking to a minimum. She was honest and upfront with you she didn't want something serious and happened to be in one with you. She has become a victim of something that's very scarring and difficult to overcome unless she gets therapy. It seems like you really enjoyed the company more than anything and so did she but she needs time to heal and bring herself her own happiness. The problem with independent people is once they start getting everything handed to them it becomes overwhelming and they aren't used to it, I'm sure you believe you did something wrong but I honestly think she was looking for a way out. Respect her for not leading you on and move on with your life and do great things and make yourself happy it's the only thing you can do.

[lincolnx]

It just sucks. I am utterly lost as I was ready to give her everything. It sucks knowing she wants nothing to do with me and how much she can care less of me. I am going to respect her and give her space to figure out what she needs to do in life. As of right now. Looks like I lost a great partner and a friend in the process. Double whammy. F me.

[Satu]

It just sucks. I am utterly lost as I was ready to give her everything. It sucks knowing she wants nothing to do with me and how much she can care less of me. *I am going to respect her and give her space to figure out what she needs to do in life. As of right now. Looks like I lost a great partner and a friend in the process. Double whammy. F me.

 

*Give the same things to yourself.

 

 

1. Spend some time alone, doing deep self-reflection. Make this a time of getting to know yourself in a more meaningful way.

 

2. Have a complete rethink of what you need to do in your own life.

 

 

Also, begin the process of forgiving yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Miss99]

Don't get that level of messed up again. And she prob needs more help than you can give her. I know women who have been through that , It is tough. You prob scared her a little too. Give it time, I know it is hard. If it is meant to be she will come back.

[lincolnx]

Yeah I learned my lesson. Live and let go. Learn and move on. I know what to do and it's very hard atm to forgive myself. I know eventually I will and I just need to give it time. I'm happy we glad we ended on good terms. It's just hard. /sorry just need to vent.

[bummer]

Sorry for your misery.

 

You don't express it explicitly but the lack of intimacy and possible other warnings since the incident probably suggest she wanted to be alone for awhile. I hope for you she gets help and reaches out to you in the future.

 

I similarly, for different reasons, had a girl start pulling away months ago. At the end, the smallest trigger ended our relationship in flames but the warnings of failure were there all along. I'm suffering the guilt and pain of my true love lost but accept timing and circumstance took the fulfillment of our relationship away. Time to move on and fix yourself for the next perfect girl.