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my feelings for my boyfriend suddenly disappeared

dontwannagiveup123

By dontwannagiveup123
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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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We dated for 8 months and our relationship was great the whole time.

We met in Australia, I am still in Australia but my boyfriend went back to the states. I am planning to go to the states in July and live with him.

Because we were both very committed, I thought being apart for two months was not a big deal, but it seems like my feelings are disappearing. AND THE FUNNY THING IS it has only been four days since my bf went back to the states...

I just feel like I can live without him and I don't love him anymore.

I don't know why I have these weird feelings and I don't know what to do.

but I also do not want to give up on him because I feel like he is the one.

I really want to keep this relationship and marry him eventually.

My boyfriend texts me like "love you , miss you " and stuff.. but I don't even feel like saying those sweet words.. I want to stop having these weird feelings..

can anybody help??///

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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It's very simple.

You're not as into him as he is into you.

 

Absence is to LOve, what wind is to fire;

It enflames the great, but extinguishes the small."

 

All this mare's droppings about 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is Romantic balderdash.

 

If you really love someone, the heart stays strong.

If the affection is superficial then the heart wavers and the flame dies.

 

It's easy.

This is not going to be the wonderful 'happy ever after' you initially thought it would be.

 

And if you feel like this, I very, very much doubt seeing him again will bring it back up to anywhere near the level it was before.

 

The kindest thing would be to be upfront with him, honest and gentle.

And end this.

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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But I have had this feeling before once when he was in Australia,

and this feeling just went away as soon as I saw my boyfriend's face and gave each other hugs.

I really do not want to give up on him.. I love him..

Could It be I am just frustrated by time difference? like we only talk at night and in the morning..

He has been a little busy with his family but I was okay with it..

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Whatever you do, don't move there in July. Have you already initiated the paperwork?

 

How was your relationship leading up to his departure? I'll echo what TaraMaiden is saying, that this perhaps was more superficial love on your side. In other words, you enjoyed his company and affection but there wasn't a deeper connection.

 

How old are you both?

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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If the feeling is not a constant, it does not bode well for the longevity of the relationship.

 

You're blowing 'hot' and 'cold' depending on together/ apart.

 

If you cannot sustain this feeling of love for him when you separate, you have to step back and wonder whether the love you feel is dependent on your togetherness, or the mere stimulus of his presence.

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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our relationship has always been great, except for one week where we were arguing about something. I just feel weird because when I was spending time with him, I always thought to myself "I love him a lot and I can't live without him , I just love him the way he is" and I tried so hard to make a good girlfriend.. I put lots of efforts. like when my bf texts me, I dont really wanna talk to him so I just reply like "ok, k,nothing" and stuff...

we are both 22 I cry a lot generally, I am very emotional but I haven't cried once since my boyfriend left.

like in the past, when my ex-boyfriend went abroad for two weeks I cried so much missing him but I dont feel that way towards my bf

Edited by dontwannagiveup123
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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You do realise you're merely confirming what we've told you, don't you?

 

I think part of it is that you WANT to love him, because you feel guilty for not feeling the way he does.

 

Guilt is not a good point to project from.

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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or could it be because my bf has been busy settling down things and spending time with his family whom he hasn't seen in a year. One of the reasons I want to keep my relationship because I feel like he is the one for me and I will regret if I break up with him. I am very scared.

Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

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Do you think you might be feeling this way because you are afraid of moving and making such a big commitment?

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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I am not afraid of making a big commitment.

I decided I am going to marry him after dating him for 3 months.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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I am not afraid of making a big commitment.

I decided I am going to marry him after dating him for 3 months.

This in my view was hasty, and probably coloured by your being in what is known as 'the Honeymoon Period' of a relationship.

All butterflies, elfins and pretty rainbows... :D

 

or could it be because my bf has been busy settling down things and spending time with his family whom he hasn't seen in a year. One of the reasons I want to keep my relationship because I feel like he is the one for me and I will regret if I break up with him. I am very scared.

 

What of?

Why 'scared'?

Honestly, don't over~dramatise it.

It's not an unusual thing, after all.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I am not afraid of making a big commitment.

I decided I am going to marry him after dating him for 3 months.

 

This doesn't mean you're not afraid of committing.

 

At three months, you're still getting to know each other. People get caught up in the honeymoon phase and their hormones do the talking. Now reality is setting in and you're realizing you don't feel the same. I personally don't think it's wise at all to commit to marry someone after just 90 days of dating.

 

Honestly, I think you're just not that into him. Don't make a transcontinental move for this. I've moved abroad and it's a huge change, not to be taken lightly. Add in a relationship you're unsure of, and you're setting yourself up for disaster.

Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

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I am not afraid of making a big commitment.

 

I mean the commitment to move so far away, leaving your family and friends behind. I'm not saying this to put you off, I just wonder if that might be a factor? Sometimes stress can have impact on our feelings for someone.

 

If you are still attracted to him and want to stay together then it has to be another reason. If you can figure out the cause it might help you feel better about it.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I just feel like I can live without him and I don't love him anymore.

 

It happens all the time, love is often not "forever" like in the movies, it ebbs and flows and sometimes it disappears all together.

Listen to your gut here, it is telling you that all this hearts and flowers stuff is nonsense and that the reality is you couldn't care less that he is gone.

 

Yes, you can put in lots of effort to keep this going; yes, you can go to the States; yes, you can live together - but if your heart isn't in it...

YOU will blow hot and cold in an attempt to save the relationship - one day you will be determined to make a go of it, the next day you will want to be free, and it will cause your bf lot of pain and he doesn't deserve that.

Relationships have a beginning a middle and an end, sounds like this one needs to end.

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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I tried all kinds of things like watching our movies alone, our pictures, thinking of our memories together, and etc.. because I am really hoping this weird feeling goes away as if it never existed like you know temporary thing.. :(

I really do not know what to do.... I felt this way before with my boyfriend like months ago but that feeling just went away as soon as I saw my boyfriend's face and held his hands :(.. I really do love him........

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

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There's no way on God's green earth I'd move continents at the tender young age of 22 for a relationship with another 22 year old.. Oh HELL no.

 

He's still a boy. Neither one of you are even fully mentally developed yet - the brain continues to develop until you're 25. That means you won't even be the same people in a few years that you are NOW.

 

I wouldn't do it.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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End it.

 

 

Long distance stuff is for people who have actually been together for a while and KNOW they are CRAZY about each other years in.....

 

 

There is one poster on here who is in a long distance thing, but her bf and her are madly in love and totally miss each other and long for one another.

 

 

If you are not absolutely daydreaming about the next time your lips will meet, END IT.

 

 

Even the most passionate of relationships ends up lukewarm at times - It is a BAAAD sign that such a NEW relationship has resulted in you feeling lukewarm = ESPECIALLY with the distance!

 

 

Sure, chemistry fades over time but less than a year in it SHOULDN'T.

 

 

With the distance you SHOULD absolutely be feeling head over heels in love with him and missing him like crazy - distance makes you fall for people 10 times harder as you usually envision and anticipate times together over and over in their absence...

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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There's no way on God's green earth I'd move continents at the tender young age of 22 for a relationship with another 22 year old.. Oh HELL no.

 

He's still a boy. Neither one of you are even fully mentally developed yet - the brain continues to develop until you're 25. That means you won't even be the same people in a few years that you are NOW.

 

I wouldn't do it.

 

 

 

Especially when she does not even feel the hots for him anymore!

 

 

At 22, hormones should be raging and she should be overcome with lovey dovey feelings, especially since they are apart!

 

 

Gosh, the US has a lot sh*tter systems than Australia - you loose your job? No worries! AUS has social security that lasts years as long as you need it! The states? Too bad if you cannot find a job within 6 months, you are out on your @ss despite how bad the employment market is!

 

 

Not to mention their 100K degrees. Yuck.

 

 

DO NOT leave Australia, OP....... We enjoy a lot more security and prosperity than the US. Ever wondered why so man AUssies travel the world, and minimal Americans can afford to ever leave their own country?

 

 

I hope they don't give up their fantastic way of life in AUS for another 22 yr old kid. They will likely break up in a year. Prob less. Sigh - young relationships lol.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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I tried all kinds of things like watching our movies alone, our pictures, thinking of our memories together, and etc.. because I am really hoping this weird feeling goes away as if it never existed like you know temporary thing.. :(

I really do not know what to do.... I felt this way before with my boyfriend like months ago but that feeling just went away as soon as I saw my boyfriend's face and held his hands :(.. I really do love him........

 

Sorry to be harsh here but this is what I think. You probably don't love him what you love is the idea of being married. You said it yourself you decided to marry him after knowing him for 3 months. It's the idea of the wedding you are in love with, that's why you don't want to give up on him, your chance for a big dress and a wedding.

 

But the heart doesn't lie. You just can't be bothered sustaining the relationship and you need him physically there telling you lovely stories about your future so your wedding dream doesn't die. My guess is, that's what this is really about.

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contel3 Established Member

contel3

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I think there's one thing that hasnt been a bit forgotten....OP and her boyfriend have been appart for four days.....thats not a lot of time to miss someone. I know I wouldnt be too phased after four days. What about waiting a few more weeks and see how you feel then? You'll probably have a lot clearer head by then.

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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Thank you everyone.

 

I appreciate a lot..

 

I think I will either wait for more weeks or just end it soon :(

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dontwannagiveup123 Member

dontwannagiveup123

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Sorry to be harsh here but this is what I think. You probably don't love him what you love is the idea of being married. You said it yourself you decided to marry him after knowing him for 3 months. It's the idea of the wedding you are in love with, that's why you don't want to give up on him, your chance for a big dress and a wedding.

 

But the heart doesn't lie. You just can't be bothered sustaining the relationship and you need him physically there telling you lovely stories about your future so your wedding dream doesn't die. My guess is, that's what this is really about.

 

I think you are right.. :( because I've been wanting to get married for so long.. but I was not lucky with the boys! but with him, getting married is a realistic thing to get ...

kztar Established Member

kztar

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END it. you're young and so is he. You will grow into different people and you'll look back and say wow I did the right thing for me and for him too. Let him find someone who's head over heels with him. That is not you.

Cinnamonstix Established Member

Cinnamonstix

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I would give it more time than four days and see if the feeling passes. Your feelings might return on their own or when you see your bf again. If they do, you know it has more to do with YOU than with the relationship. Separations can do funny things to people that have nothing to do with your actual feelings for each other.

 

That said, long distance relationships are really hard, especially when you're so young. You may have realized it's not what you want. It's also too soon to be thinking about marriage at three months in and at your age (in my opinion). You will change and grow exponentially in your 20's. There's no rush!

 

Bottom line: give yourself a little more time to see if your feelings return and slow down the relationship plans.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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You are quick to conclude your feelings have died. He has only been gone 4 days.

 

We are all different, some people miss others a great deal and others are not the missing type. It's possible you are not the missing type. Are you in the habit of missing family, friends? Did you miss your ex-boyfriends? etc.

 

Before jumping the gun just give it more time.

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