staceyyjjeann Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) My longterm boyfriend and I have been dating for six years. Were both in out 20s. I love him dearly, but for most of our relationship we have been long distance due to our college locations. We've made it work and have visited each other frequently. However, over the last year I've joined a college sport that requires constant attention and he has become so busy with getting his PhD. He has proven his love to me time and time again even when I was terrible years ago and kissed someone else (WHICH I COMPLETELY REGRET and haven't done since) and had forgiven me. I have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry this man and he has said the same to me several times. Unfortunately, things in my life took a left turn and I had severe parental illnesses which caused me to be distraught and fall into a depression. He was there for me through all that as well, but there have been things and times he's messed up severely or has needed me - I returned the favor. For the sake of keeping things short, he began to become busier trying to find a graduate school, get a job, and help out his family. In the mix of it all I felt like we were being lost. In a phone call,l I wanted him to express his feelings and concerns and I told him that I felt as if our relationship had taken a major backseat. He agreed and we decided that we loved each other deeply, but needed a break so he could become more stable in his current situations stated above. Neither of us have been on a break before so we started out still saying I love you and still acting like we were together. We still text everyday, several texts a day - but the I love yous stopped and the I miss yous were gone. I feel now as if I'm talking to someone who is an acquaintance. Maybe thats what being on a break is? Im not sure. Its been almost a month and he agreed its taking longer to get back on his feet than he thought.. At this point, I don't know what to assume. At first I believed for certain it was only a break, but now I'm getting nervous. I don't want to put more on his plate, but I simply do not know what to do. Any advice? Edited May 9, 2016 by staceyyjjeann
Poutrew Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Unfortunately, this story sounds all too familiar - your ex is concentrating on his future, his education, and his career. These things are normal for college age people to do - and it is also what you must concentrate on for yourself. Relationship wise, it doesn't sound to me as if he is cheating or anything else like that - yet. But you are now out of his reality. The longer things go like this, well, eventually, there will be a new GF in his life. It really sounds to me as if your relationship is over... sorry, but you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable. 1
basil67 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately, taking a break most often happens when the relationship has passed it's use by date. My guess is that he's enjoying the break and really doesn't want to get back together. One of you needs to be brave enough to end it.
sowhynot Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Agreed. Sounds unfortunately more like a breakup than a break. And a pretty weaselly way to go about it - the ''slow fade'. Dunno. I would be tempted in your shoes for a burning bridges letter or e-maill. Keep it very brief, put him on the spot and if he still 'wants space' then assume it's over, go NC and keep telling yourself the fool's blown it and it's his loss. What do others think ??
Author staceyyjjeann Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Agreed. Sounds unfortunately more like a breakup than a break. And a pretty weaselly way to go about it - the ''slow fade'. Dunno. I would be tempted in your shoes for a burning bridges letter or e-maill. Keep it very brief, put him on the spot and if he still 'wants space' then assume it's over, go NC and keep telling yourself the fool's blown it and it's his loss. What do others think ?? To clarify a little, we took the break so he didn't have the stressor of feeling as if he needed to talk to me or to take the guilt off of him from being too busy to constantly tend to my emotional needs. Im not naive and I agree with what everyone is saying, but as ignorant as it seems I KNOW he cares for me deeply. However, he is busy a lot (which is why this whole ball got rolling) and rarely has time to call when I ask. Do you think it would be forward of me (after i convince him to call me) to basically just say that this is what I know I want and ask him if he's on the same page and just needs space or will that push him further away? Because we dated for so long I'm out of it when it comes to protocol in the dating realm on these types of things.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 A break is a break up with training wheels. It teaches people that they can in fact live without their long term SO. That is exactly what he has figured out. If you want to fix your relationship you have to work together. Time off just shows you that you will be just fine if you break up.
sowhynot Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I fear d0nnivain is right. It's not as though he's called after a few days into the break saying what a fool he's been and how much he's missed you. Unfortunately for this relationship - he appears to have got on just fine. And being really brutal, - and I really hate to say this - if he did care for you, he'd be with you right now. I think you're going to have to try and accept that this one has bit the dust and you'll need to move on.
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