flowerchild88 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 ok guys, i got it bad for this dude. sister needs all the help she can get. gonna try condense this down as much as possible. so, I met this guy last year and from the moment I met him, I knew that I felt something for him. We were both dating people at the time, so it was always just friendly chatting, subtle flirting but nothing major. our mutual friends can tell there is something there and notice how flirty he is with me. I eventually broke up with the guy I was seeing, and he also "broke up" with his girlfriend. bit of backstory on their relationship: they dated for a few years, it was not a very good relationship, she has major emotional issues that cause her to be jealous, controlling, possessive etc. It’s a very on-off thing as well, constant making up and breaking up. after a few months of knowing each other, he began to ask me out and because I am an IDIOT when it comes to relationships, i brushed him off a good few times (maybe 5 times??) I really liked him and was so scared of my feelings because I’m so guarded. He’s also not “my type” whatever that means, so I think I was in a bit of denial as well. He pursued me for six months before I finally agreed to go out with him. (I should also mention that during this six months he got back with his ex a few times) Anyway, we had an amazing date, and were in constant contact for the following week, until I got a call saying that he felt guilty, he wasn’t ready to move on, but that he liked me a lot. i took this to mean that he needed time, which was understandable because it was a pretty damaging relationship that was barely over. i didn’t say i would wait around for him, but essentially i was. there was still a lot of flirting after this. then about 2 months later I hear he has gotten back with her, but surprise surprise it ends supposedly “for good” this time. i was really hurt by this, but because i’m a fool in lust, i still hope that he still wants me. after that, he didn’t make ay attempt to start anything with me and I don’t wanna force myself on him if he’s not ready. about 2 months after that “final breakup” we were at a party and we hooked up. i made the stupid mistake of pretending like it never happened, and we never spoke about it. that was back in march, and i hear that he’s now on tinder, so I guess he is ready to move on, just not with me, i guess. and here i am still holding on to the hope that he may still like me. my problem is that i play it way too cool and just don’t know how to act around him. i get so awkward and have no flirting skills whatsoever. my friends tell me that he probably thinks i am uninterested and that i should be grateful he’s still so nice to me after all the rejection i have shown him in the past, and that its my turn to make the next move, but the thought of doing that make my brain shut down completely. massive double standard, i know. anyway, have i completely blown it? if someone really likes someone, do those feelings just go away completely? am i a complete *******? what do i gotta dooooo?
preraph Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 i think your friends are misguiding you. This guy has gotten back together with his ex repeatedly since he met you! He can't care THAT much. He's either sure they'll get back together like they always do OR they were never broken up and he's just a cheater OR they're finally apart and he is ready to have his freedom and has joined Tinder to hook up. This guy doesn't sound like a good bet to me. If there's anything there, he will come back all on his own. Even then, you should proceed with caution. He can't possibly expect any self-respecting woman to stick with him through him going back to his supposed ex over and over again. That's not an ex. That's an ongoing relationship in trouble, probably because he has roaming eyes. 1
Author flowerchild88 Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it. so much truth in a lot of what you're saying,and i completely agree, especially with the fact that he can't care THAT much if he still went back to her. but the relationship has messed him up, he wanted to protect her, which i get because he loved her, but she has deep issues, drinking, depression and anxiety being amongst them. one of the friends that I mention is his sister, which is how i met him in the first place, they are very close, so she knows him even better than I do. he told her early on that he liked me, but she never said anything to me until afterwards, because she didn't want to get involved. now its a really awkward subject between me and her, because I know she wants us to end up together, but she knows how I am, so she isnt pressing about it. at the end of the day, he is a genuinely good guy, not a player type at all...thats what they all say, right? but i honestly do think his heart is in the right place, and that's not just me making excuses for him.
preraph Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 I get there may be more to him than meets the eye, but he's all up on Tinder. What IS that if not the most notorious hookup site in the world? I think you already have on your rose-colored glasses.
Author flowerchild88 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 sure, a lot of people on tinder are in it for a quick wham bam thank you ma'am, but that's not all it's for. all of my pals that are on it are looking for something real, i've been on a few tinder dates, none of them were hook up situations. i know people who are married with children who met on tinder.
Buddhist Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 but the relationship has messed him up, he wanted to protect her, which i get because he loved her, but she has deep issues, drinking, depression and anxiety being amongst them. Okay, life lesson #1 here. Please listen. Relationships don't 'mess people up', people are in the relationships that match how messed up they are. I know, I have a string of failed messed up relationships behind me and can hand on my heart attest that yes they matched the mess I already was. It's not a popular thought by any means, people would much rather believe that failed relationships happen because you're just not meeting the 'right person'. Life will teach you, that's just not true. If she has 'deep issues' then so does he. He's not Prince Charming, he's a conflicted messed up person with deep issues himself. Him trying to rescue her is a sign of being messed up, furthermore not even being able to stick to his decision to leave. Yeah....not good signs at all. Now, if you want to go there anyway no-one will stop you. Enjoy, just don't be believing that you are the game changer that will suddenly fix all his issues. 3
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 This is one reason why I am currently single. So you like the guy A LOT but you rejected many times and play it cool to show you have no interest in him after giving him a chance. I wonder why this guy is not chasing you anymore and is on Tinder. You have to step up and be straight with him. Contact him and ask him to go out.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 For what is worth, you made the right decision not rushing into anything back then so soon after the breakup. It never would have worked, as you found out later because after you hooked up he told you he felt guilt and wasn't ready. That was always going to happen. You already know he is physically attracted to you so that isn't the issue. His relationship with this other woman has been messy (and may not be fully over yet, only time will tell) so if you are looking for a relationship there is no point in rushing things just yet. My advice would be to let him know that you are still in the picture subtly. An occational playful message to allow him an opening to contact you if he likes might be a good start. Believe me if he is interested at all it will take virtually no encouragement, so don't worry about putting much effort in to flirting. If he wants you, he will turn it into flirting, trust me. For your own sake though, don't get stuck on one guy if you are single and want a relationship. It is ok to keep him in a "maybe" catagory, but don't waste all your energy on one possibility. Keep your options open for now and enjoy yourself.
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 My advice would be to let him know that you are still in the picture subtly. An occational playful message to allow him an opening to contact you if he likes might be a good start. Believe me if he is interested at all it will take virtually no encouragement, so don't worry about putting much effort in to flirting. If he wants you, he will turn it into flirting, trust me. Why subtly? What's the catch? Saving face? Embarrassment? Why not just be straight with the guy and express that she's interested, and if he's ready, they should go for it. Too many games lead people astray.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Why subtly? What's the catch? Saving face? Embarrassment? Why not just be straight with the guy and express that she's interested, and if he's ready, they should go for it. Too many games lead people astray. I'm not suggesting she play games at all. Just keeping the door open without pushing him into a situation that he may or may not be ready for. There is possibly still issues going on with the ex. She doesn't need to involve herself in that, but there is no harm in letting him know that there is other options. If and when he is ready he will start to pursue her. She doesn't have to make the next "move" which she has already stated doesn't feel comfortable for her. I'm just trying to give advice in relation to the information provided. It not necessarily the same advice I would give someone else.
mikeylo Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Don't play games. They can backfire terribly ! You've gotta suck up your ego and go for him or live in regrets. Life is strange. You never know. On / off relationships are tricky. They either end once for all or become toxic or glues together forever. People move mountains for love ! 1
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm not suggesting she play games at all. Just keeping the door open without pushing him into a situation that he may or may not be ready for. There is possibly still issues going on with the ex. She doesn't need to involve herself in that, but there is no harm in letting him know that there is other options. If and when he is ready he will start to pursue her. She doesn't have to make the next "move" which she has already stated doesn't feel comfortable for her. I'm just trying to give advice in relation to the information provided. It not necessarily the same advice I would give someone else. I think it would be better not to be subtle but straight forward. She tells him where she stands, how she feels and if and when he's ready he seeks her out. In the meantime, she goes on and lives her life. The way it is right now, there's too much drama. In my experiences (not directed to the OP) when women lie, cover up their feelings, it's a sign of immaturity, lack of character. If a woman is upfront with me it sends a jolt through my body. It tells me she knows what she wants and isn't some silly girl. She's a woman and it just makes me respect her more.
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Don't play games. They can backfire terribly ! You've gotta suck up your ego and go for him or live in regrets. Life is strange. You never know. On / off relationships are tricky. They either end once for all or become toxic or glues together forever. People move mountains for love ! The ones who play games are immature... and I've grown to realize not worth the time of day. I'm willing to put my ego aside for a shot a love but not with a girl who is young and stupid.
introverted1 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 So you hooked up in March with a guy who has an on/off dysfunctional relationship with his gf, and he's now on Tinder after not having reached out to you in the ensuing 2 months? Sorry, but I see nothing to here to suggest that he's interested in you. My advice would be to find someone who can actually be in a relationship with you.
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