ladyluck777 Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 If you have ever been in this situation, please answer. You went NC and the "dumper" didn't seem to notice or care How did it make you feel? Did it make you mad at him/her?Did it make you feel bad about yourself because you realized the entire time you had been worthless to that person?Did it reveal to you that you were much better off and that person was never worth your time?Did it make you miss them more?Did it make you dislike them?Did it make you feel relief because you wanted nothing to do with them ever again? How did that affect you and the way you felt about the "dumper" going forward?
gimlynick Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 If you have ever been in this situation, please answer. You went NC and the "dumper" didn't seem to notice or care How did it make you feel? Did it make you mad at him/her?Did it make you feel bad about yourself because you realized the entire time you had been worthless to that person?Did it reveal to you that you were much better off and that person was never worth your time?Did it make you miss them more?Did it make you dislike them?Did it make you feel relief because you wanted nothing to do with them ever again? How did that affect you and the way you felt about the "dumper" going forward? 1) No Contact is not for hoping that the other person will have a reaction towards it. Then your points: *mad at her: yeah, but this feeling is normal * you haven't been worthless all the time... They have just moved and you are no part of that moving, they don't need you anymore but once they did * No, all the time together was amazing. **** happens * Yes, it made me miss her more, but again... Normal in that stage * Dislike them? Yes, because after a while you see all the massive red flags... But somewhere you still like/love the person* * No, but only because I have not had enough time healing yet, but I'm 100% sure that No Contact is the only way to go further in life About that last sentence about No Contact... I didn't believe this myself when I first came to this site 2 months ago, I thought it was for 'weak people'. I've never been more wrong
Author ladyluck777 Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 It makes me mad!!! And I don't know why! I am so glad that you pointed out that it was normal, that makes me feel a little better but I still don't understand it. How much sense does it make? I want NC for me because I know it is the best thing. But when the "dumper" who hurt me so badly and caused me all of this grief treats me like I am invisible I get mad. I also feel a sense of worthlessness. I truly want to break away and be free of him. I know he is talking to someone else and I was replaced. If he ever tried to pursue me again, I would have no interest. Makes no sense.
gimlynick Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 It makes me mad!!! And I don't know why! I am so glad that you pointed out that it was normal, that makes me feel a little better but I still don't understand it. How much sense does it make? I want NC for me because I know it is the best thing. But when the "dumper" who hurt me so badly and caused me all of this grief treats me like I am invisible I get mad. I also feel a sense of worthlessness. I truly want to break away and be free of him. I know he is talking to someone else and I was replaced. If he ever tried to pursue me again, I would have no interest. Makes no sense. Are you sure that right now you should not have interest in him? Are you strong enough to do this allready? That's very positive! I'm in the exact same situation ( alldough I'm a guy ), and I think if she stood at my door that I welcome her with open arms... Which is weak. So if you can manage to say 'no', that's amazing! He still thinks about you, he stays NC himself to get as soon as possible over your relation. Or maybe he is No Contact because he felt like he has hurt you. Anyway, it's a good thing that he is NC and that you want the same. This way you will not have breadcrumbs. Time will heal your deep wounds. Take care 1
Author ladyluck777 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 Are you sure that right now you should not have interest in him? Are you strong enough to do this allready? That's very positive! I'm in the exact same situation ( alldough I'm a guy ), and I think if she stood at my door that I welcome her with open arms... Which is weak. So if you can manage to say 'no', that's amazing! He still thinks about you, he stays NC himself to get as soon as possible over your relation. Or maybe he is No Contact because he felt like he has hurt you. Anyway, it's a good thing that he is NC and that you want the same. This way you will not have breadcrumbs. Time will heal your deep wounds. Take care Yes, I feel strong because he has made me angry since he dumped me. He gave me false hope that we would be together again, making a fool of me. If that had never happened I would be like you, ready to let him back in. The decision to put distance between us has been a hard one to make. The pain I felt when he dumped me was nothing compared to the pain I felt when he gave me false hope. Distancing myself prevents that from ever happening again. As hard as it is, that is what is best for me. I will get burned so bad if I go near that fire again.
ChickiePops Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 If this is the married man you were having an affair with then he's probably focusing on fixing his own marriage. If this is your husband then you should probably consider following through with a divorce.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) If you have ever been in this situation, please answer. You went NC and the "dumper" didn't seem to notice or care ...Which is exactly what you should be getting, and you on the other hand, shouldn't even be thinking about his attitude... Did it make you mad at him/her?Why are you mad at his acting in exactly the way he should be acting? Did it make you feel bad about yourself because you realized the entire time you had been worthless to that person?If that's how it makes you feel, that's on you, not him. The Lies you tell yourself are way more damaging than anything he's thinking.... Did it reveal to you that you were much better off and that person was never worth your time?So isn't that a good thing? Did it make you miss them more? Missing them is one thing. Being mad at them is quite another. YOU implemented NC for precisely the reasons you should have....right? Did it make you dislike them?This dislike is founded on an ego which is saying "Notice me! I'm ignoring you! You should be devastated, but apparently you're not! How dare you!?" Did it make you feel relief because you wanted nothing to do with them ever again?Exactly as it should! Focus on this!! How did that affect you and the way you felt about the "dumper" going forward?For 'Dumper' read 'ex'. If he's your ex, he is no longer in the picture, in your field of vision, and unimportant. NC is not about how it affects them. NC is about how you make it work for you. Edited May 9, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 1
ALL OR NOTHING Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 If you have ever been in this situation, please answer. You went NC and the "dumper" didn't seem to notice or care How did it make you feel? Did it make you mad at him/her?Did it make you feel bad about yourself because you realized the entire time you had been worthless to that person?Did it reveal to you that you were much better off and that person was never worth your time?Did it make you miss them more?Did it make you dislike them?Did it make you feel relief because you wanted nothing to do with them ever again? How did that affect you and the way you felt about the "dumper" going forward? Try to remember even if he acts like he doesn't care it's most likely he does , he's probably crying him self to sleep every other night like you are , delete his number if you contact him you lose , block him and don't contact him and Youl win.
Author ladyluck777 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 ...Which is exactly what you should be getting, and you on the other hand, shouldn't even be thinking about his attitude... I should have been more specific. I didn't mean that I felt ALL of those things. That was a list of different possibilities of how a person could feel. But thanks.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 My point is that NC is not to be implemented to have an effect - any effect - on him. It's all for the benefit of the person who's been dumped, and it's a tool for absolutely getting over the other person, without any form of agenda. At all. 3
bummer Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm just starting NC this week for the first time in my life: Did it make you mad at him/her? Yes Did it make you feel bad about yourself because you realized the entire time you had been worthless to that person? No, our time was awesome still! Did it reveal to you that you were much better off and that person was never worth your time? Nope. Still worth every minute we had together. Did it make you miss them more? Yes, but the breadcrumbs were going to be more torture in the long run. Did it make you dislike them? Momentarily. Yeah, I hate her guts, but I can accept some blame for the failure and need to make those things better in me. Did it make you feel relief because you wanted nothing to do with them ever again? No. Not at all. I think of her constantly and I'm exhausted with my brain running pointless scenarios and timeframes when NC will end and she'll take me back. It's over NC is all about you getting better. Not worse. Hopefully, after the initial pain and pinning, NC helps you find an indifference where the absolutes like "worthless", "never", "nothing to do with them ever" fade away and you can be a whole person again without anger and false hopes as the only driver for your thoughts.
Author ladyluck777 Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 If this is the married man you were having an affair with then he's probably focusing on fixing his own marriage. If this is your husband then you should probably consider following through with a divorce. I know that my questions sound very stupid. I visited this board to ask questions and try to understand myself. I read for a while without posting first and it seemed to help others. I had the idea that if I had a better understanding of myself and some guidance, I could do better. I thought I was taking steps in the right direction by doing that. I felt enlightened and I thought I had gained some strength to be a better person, to live a better life and do things right. I am realizing now that opening discussions about my inner thoughts is hurting me more than it is helping me. Maybe this wasn't the answer. I find myself feeling embarrassed that I even came here to try to talk it though and I am now second guessing every thought I have had over the past few days. I am going to move on from this site and try to find a different approach to deal with all of the conflict that is going on inside of me.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I don't think that your approach helped. I think - if you have deeper feelings than you actually imagined - it would now be time to face those head-on, be honest with yourself, and thrash everything out. You're smarting, and it hurts. But let's start there then: WHY does it smart and hurt? Answer? Because it touched a nerve. You realise now, that the methodology you've been following has been too superficial, and you've been addressing the crust, while the pie filling has remained untouched, or barely scraped.... It's courageous in and of itself to come onto a forum, confess an affair, and discuss the machinations and the aftermath. There is already a pain existing. To then expose yourself to a plethora of different opinions on those, has the supplemented effect of adding to that pain, particularly as some of the responses have seemed insensitive. But that's not to say they have not been true. And therein lies the problem. The truth is not always as gentle as we would like. Compassion does not wear a frilly pink tutu and golden curls surrounding a blue-eyed cherubic countenance. Compassion sometimes wears a steel toe-capped, hobnail size 11 boot, and when that thing kicks it is damned painful. Stop and consider the things you have read, in response to your posts. brush away any unnecessary extraneous gut-smacking punches and LOOK at what people are trying to help you with. Then start scraping that filling.
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