Emilia Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 This sort of situation is a very good way to screen people for relationships - I find.
sunking101 Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I actively keep in touch with exes including an ex husband and I am VERY upfront about it. Everyone that knows me knows that I speak to him, see him on a regular basis. I also know his girlfriend, I helped her out financially recently (not that she is in trouble, just saying). I have known my exH since I was 20, now I am 43, that's 23 years, all my adult life, basically. Another ex of mine is facing life changing dilemmas and has asked my advice on aspects of that. Others are on facebook or LinkedIn, two of them live in Australia. I do not have sex with any of them. I think you need to be careful not to project your own values, some of us have strong boundaries. I wouldn't give up my connections with people that I had been through a lot with for a budding relationship that may not work out. As I am up front about it straight away, the men can make a decision very early on whether they want to stick around based on the above. I am yet to be asked to cut contact with any of my exes. It doesn't necessarily make it ok just because you don't have sex with them. I think most guys understand that their girlfriend isn't having sex with her exes, it's the fact they're exes and the emotional bond that frustrates. As for saying that you won't cut contact with people you had failed relationships with because what you have with your current guy might not work out...that makes no sense to me. Why bring stress and baggage into a new relationship which is only EVER going to cause friction at best, even if your new bloke keeps his displeasure to himself?
dichotomy Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 It is one thing to say "I don't want you seeing them"...its another to say "I would find it hard to be exlusive/.committed relationship and you spending time with ex's by yourself"
Got it Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I am in contact with my ex husband and my husband doesn't see it as an issue. There is ZERO ZILCH NADA sexual interest whatsoever. He is like a brother and is fun to talk to but there is no desire to get back together. I think you should discuss it with your girlfriend. You two may be able to find a happy medium on it. I would have an issue with a new relationship telling me not to talk to exes as I don't have an issue if they are until/unless I see something that should be worried about. I think people project past issues, their own behavior, etc. onto others and assume x=y when that isn't necessarily the case. But we all set up our relationship differently. I do not shut my husband down if he discusses concerns (in general this has not ever come up) and would amend the friendship to degrees to accommodate his feelings, i.e. would limit/get rid of alone time, etc. I am transparent with my husband on everything, my ex and I include our spouses on interactions, etc. and I still make sure my husband knows that he is number one and his opinion/feels matter. Talk it out and see what you two can come to. It may be a "hill you want to die on" or it may not be. See what the landscape is and go from there. Put it in "I" statements, and discuss your feelings, how it makes you feel. Ask her to see if both can compromise to have you both satisfied with the situation.
Author Iotome Posted May 11, 2016 Author Posted May 11, 2016 I am in contact with my ex husband and my husband doesn't see it as an issue. There is ZERO ZILCH NADA sexual interest whatsoever. He is like a brother and is fun to talk to but there is no desire to get back together. I think you should discuss it with your girlfriend. You two may be able to find a happy medium on it. I would have an issue with a new relationship telling me not to talk to exes as I don't have an issue if they are until/unless I see something that should be worried about. I think people project past issues, their own behavior, etc. onto others and assume x=y when that isn't necessarily the case. But we all set up our relationship differently. I do not shut my husband down if he discusses concerns (in general this has not ever come up) and would amend the friendship to degrees to accommodate his feelings, i.e. would limit/get rid of alone time, etc. I am transparent with my husband on everything, my ex and I include our spouses on interactions, etc. and I still make sure my husband knows that he is number one and his opinion/feels matter. Talk it out and see what you two can come to. It may be a "hill you want to die on" or it may not be. See what the landscape is and go from there. Put it in "I" statements, and discuss your feelings, how it makes you feel. Ask her to see if both can compromise to have you both satisfied with the situation. I don't mean this in a mean way at all. But your husband is fine with you spending time alone with your ex in a one on one situation? Just trying to get more perspective as there are a lot of different opinions.
big dog Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 You say you haven't established a relationship yet..... then don't. She's obviously not ready for that and sounds like she's still emotionally attached to the ex hubby. you don't want to get involved in anything like that. You'll just be setting yourself up for heartaches.... and headaches.
Emilia Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 (edited) It doesn't necessarily make it ok just because you don't have sex with them. I think most guys understand that their girlfriend isn't having sex with her exes, it's the fact they're exes and the emotional bond that frustrates. As for saying that you won't cut contact with people you had failed relationships with because what you have with your current guy might not work out...that makes no sense to me. Why bring stress and baggage into a new relationship which is only EVER going to cause friction at best, even if your new bloke keeps his displeasure to himself? Of course it makes it ok when people have moved on. I think it's very much about the sort of connection you build with people you are in a relationship with and about the kind of temperament you have. You see failed relationships, I see people I got close to and bonded with, I know and understand why things didn't work out and I'm ok with that. It doesn't take away the fact that they are cool people. It's called emotional maturity. If someone is frustrated by the fact that I have been able to build bonds long term that aren't just based on sex then that's his problem. I think that makes him the one with baggage, not me and I think that also says a lot about how he sees other people. "As for saying that you won't cut contact with people you had failed relationships with because what you have with your current guy might not work out...that makes no sense to me." - Huh? Where did I say that? Edited May 12, 2016 by Emilia
Author Iotome Posted May 12, 2016 Author Posted May 12, 2016 So an update to the situation. We talked about it and I feel pretty dumb about the whole thing now. She doesn't see them nearly as often as I thought. She said that as far as dating goes she was going to still be getting together with them but as far as something solid like a relationship goes she has no problem even phasing them out completely. Which I wouldn't ask but yeah. Anyways thanks a lot for all of the replies and thank you for helping me bring it up. 1
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